There were times after I left my ex that I was lost. I was completely and indescribably rattled by the unknown future. I had a bleeding ulcer, and other serious health issues. My doctor told me that if I didn’t change the problems that were causing the stress that I would end up in a hospital. I was emotionally, physically, psychologically and spiritually ill. I chose to leave everything behind. I walked away from all that caused me damage. If it wasn’t for my friends and family I don’t know how I would have survived. Those days now seem like another lifetime trapped inside of a fog. God has a way of guiding us through everything once we relinquish and surrender to Him.
I know what it is to fall into the deep hole of desperation and depression. I read a lot of books, blogs, hear stories from so many, and I see how hopelessness pays us a visit every so often. It’s part of our human nature. It’s the process of our evolution and life experiences. Even after three years I still have days when I feel like my life is slipping away from me. Last week there was such a day when the life force outside of me seemed to suck the inside force. I felt the grip of desperation trying to claw at me. Each time I return to my hometown I go through these emotions. On these days I question myself: What am I doing in this life? What’s my purpose? Am I really living authentically or pretending?
Then I sit quietly for a moment, grab my thoughts, tighten my faith, and visualize exactly how much I’m loving my new life (absolutely authentically!). At times guilt comes in and tries to take over. Yes, guilt…that inexpressible emotion that cuts slowly but deeply like a paper cut from a manila envelope. You know that cut that bleeds just for a second but stings for days when you go near something hot or with alcohol. It lingers to remind you of pain. That’s how guilt is. It lingers even when you try to put on a happy face. This guilt only arrives through ego when all is perfectly aligned in harmony. It basically says, “You don’t deserve this. You need to go find a job and make more money. You are a ridiculous dreamer. How long do you think you can run a place in the mountains? Who’s going to come? And, why?…” Ego has these fantastic conversations with me. I have to hike, meditate, and remind myself that Ego is not in charged. It is in those moments that I step outside of me and be as gentle as I can with my spirit.
I return to the present. I focus on this moment. Last night I watched the movie The Wolfman again. I heard a quote that stuck with me (again), “Don’t bother looking back. The past is a wilderness forest.” And it is. It is a wilderness forest that one cannot see once it’s past a certain point. What’s the point? When do we pass that point? I like to believe we can all live by taking giant leaps of faith; by surrendering to the impossible and then being surprised for every miracle that appears in our way. It is then that we can lessen the days of guilt, desperation, depression, anxiety and fear. There are choices in how we live our lives. Don’t let Ego decide for you!