I’ve heard myself say on many occasions, “I’m not good at relationships.” I know better than to put out into the Universe negative words of intention. I get the whole thing about how thoughts have power. For so many years of my life I was told “I was difficult to deal with in a relationship.” These words came out only when I wasn’t conforming to what I was told (not asked) to do. Being passive aggressive and submissive was all I knew. The times when I refused to “do things” made me very difficult. Unfortunately, the mind set of being difficult is still somewhere in the root of my being. After 3-1/2 years I can still see myself at times as being totally “difficult.”
Looking at my life at this particular moment I still have that “belief system” that I am not good at intimate relationships. I don’t want to give all of me anymore. I am not willing to get lost in another (as I know how unhealthy this is for both parties). I am selfish with my time. I love to get up and have no agenda. I enjoy my friends and family time. I cannot be someone else’s everything. This does make me impossible in terms of having to share all of me with another. Any man who enters my life has to fit into my life and my world.
I am a believer in that love, and relationships, should fall easily. It has never occurred to me that I’ve yet to be in one of those easy relationships. So when I say things like that to someone who knows me they always get this puzzled look on their faces like “how would you know?” I have witnessed enough relationships in our retreat center in the past few years. I know the couples who truly fit and the ones who are desperately trying to make a circle fit in a square space. It is heart-wrenching to watch. There are no excuses for staying with someone who makes you miserable. This I know for certain! Why be with someone who brings out the worst in you? But, we do. We remain stagnate and create a million excuses for victimizing our spirits.
When the right partner enters your life your soul lets you know. How? I am still uncertain of this simple one-word question. I have to believe that relationships are created to fit in absolute certainty with comfort. They should flow with contentment, respect, and joy. There should be no pushing or pulling. There just is…everything that brings out the best in each other. Loving relationships have no ego struggles or difficulties. Life just happens around them and they move to the same beat. If you can’t be with someone who makes you laugh and understands the pain in silence then there is no reason to be in a relationship. I require very few things from a man, but laughter is a must. Respect and trust are right up there as well.
The “I’m-not-good-at-relationships” belief has to be put to rest. Finally! It needs to just disappear from me. I am not afraid of getting hurt. I am more afraid of having to invest my time and energy with someone and them taking a part of me that I can never have back. Silly as that sounds it is the truth. I am afraid of the life I now have turning upside down for another. I love my peace, the moments of solitude, and the space I’ve created for me. Is that too selfish? Am I putting out into the Universe that I am difficult? I figure if the Divine wants me to have a man in my life I would have the easiest man on the earth.
Fear is paralyzing when a new person enters my life. What starts out as a fun friendship turns into a serious chess game waiting for someone to make the next move. What I know is that “difficulties” in my relationships get pronounced quickly. What happens when the right guy shows up at the wrong time? And, how do I get through the days before saying goodbye? It is always a gamble to feel confident enough to admit feelings. I have to find the way to change the mind set. But, change is the hardest lesson in life to letting go and allowing another to come in. I read a quote the other day, “Never force yourself to have a space in anyone’s life because if they really know your worth, they’ll surely create one for you.” I guess it’s time for me to make that space and allow another into it….