Mind-tripping Panic

Every few months I have a night full of nightmares.  As rational as I am, I wake up several times during the night sweating, in destitution, heart racing and with uncontrollable shakes.  I get lost in past violence where my body is taken from me and discarded as a rag doll.  Once I am awake I can gather my thoughts and try to go back to sleep to then (what seems ridiculously impossible) continue with the same dreams.  Last night was such a night.

My ex of 18 years used to wake up, a few times a year, in a panic thinking he was still in a Cuban prison from when he was in his early twenties.  The dreams would replay as if he was at the present time stuck in Cuba and couldn’t leave.  In complete disorientation he would wake up with severe muffles of terror.  He spent three years in a third-world-country prison for trying to flee the island on a tire tube.  He was found ten miles of shore.  This event would forever change him and detach his personality from truly allowing love, especially to himself.  Each time he had these horrific violent dreams I would try and soothe him.  Unfortunately when it was my turn to have my nightmares he would chuckle them up to, “Ay, mija (Spanish slang for dudette or along those lines) don’t worry!  It was only a dream.  It’s not real.”   I never once shared with him what the dreams were about but he never really asked.  He was too self-absorbed with his own head and his double life.

But, nightmares are not okay.  They aren’t supposed to be casted to the side immediately when we wake to terror.  I don’t mean relive them, but don’t discard them.  They serve their purpose.  Sometimes the subconscious is desperately trying to reach a place of rewiring.  Your spirit is working the kinks out so the fears of waking moments can find a place in peace.  We fear those things that terrorize us with reasons.  They become scars for life.  They permeate into the voice of paralysis in moments of letting go…such as in dreamland.

It takes me some time during the morning to ground myself from such violence and turmoil.  I breathe in.  I say prayers.  I ask God to protect me, and then immediately ask protection for my children.  There are monsters in this world.  There are horrendous events that can either turn us into victims or create us as survivors.  I am a survivor.  I tell myself this when the terror comes to morning light.  I am a better person for having gone through such events.  I am not going to chuckle them to, “It was only a dream.”  I have chosen to better myself because of that past.  We all have choices.  We survive via coping, allowing and faith.

We all carry some form of mind trip piggy-backing from the past.  Those are the events that show you how powerfully strong you are.  Surviving anything that forces you to touch the gateways of death pushes you to embrace life…to never take breathing for granted.   Those nightmares serve as a reminder that you are here.  You weathered the storms.  You overcame the inconceivable monstrous and dreadful events. Your spirit soars higher because of your perseverance.  Here you are!  Bravo to you, my friend, bravo!!!

13 thoughts on “Mind-tripping Panic

  1. Nightmares are odd sometimes. I have had ones that seem so random, but then others that help me realize something that’s been going on in my subconscious. I’m sure they all come from somewhere, but I just don’t have the insight to know where sometimes.

    1. Our psyche is amazing. It will create scenarios at times with archetypes. That’s why I’ve always loved Jungian Psychology. Have a wonderful evening. Love your stories. Keep sharing, David. You are such an insightful and beautiful writer. Thank you for stopping by and giving me feedback. I love it.

      1. I appreciate your visits as well 🙂 I should study dream psychology more. I have woken up amazed at dreams I’ve had that have been just like stories, with internal structure and logic, all made up (presumably) on the spot and not by me consciously. ‘Tis a marvel.

  2. Dreams are definetly our mind trying to work out things. I think that is why, for the first time in my life, during my divorce I couldn’t sleep. My mind wasn’t ready to start dealing with what was going on. Good for you for trying to not push them away as soon as you wake up, but try to continue the process of healing.

  3. Did you ever consider searching on the internet or you tube about balancing, what they call in the Psych-k method, your core beliefs?
    I did and it totally changed all my outlook on life and brought out my creativity, but I’m not going to lengthen on the subject, it’ll be too long, I go with the principal that I have nothing to loose by getting information and then seeing for myself if it’s worth taking the risk of spending time and a bit of money to give a chance to improve the quality of my life.
    We only live once, so we might as well make the trip worthwhile don’t you think? 🙂

  4. you write in such a sincere manner Millie! indeed these things have some effect in our life and have some connection.and till the time we overcome such issues,there’s always a sense of fear or depression following us,that leads to insecurity… just a way out is to have faith in a particular path,god,person,belief,which will instill in you the trust that nothing wrong can ever happen…and whatever happens is always for our best..

  5. I can’t remember the last time a nightmare woke me up in the middle of the night. Or even just a neutral dream. Usually, when I’m having a bad dream, or one that could end badly, I wake up just before the bad thing can happen. Is there some meaning to this? I don’t know. Most times, by the time I’m awake enough to record what I dreamed, I can’t remember the dream well enough to make any sense of it. Does that mean that everything is “copesthetic” in my life these days? I guess, but I wouldn’t swear to it. I try to be happy with what Sam & I have — most times I am –but those times when he says “I wish we could win the lottery so I could tell Metromont to go to hell…”, I sometimes find myself yearning for more than what we have. I keep telling him that until he learns to be happy with what he/we has/have, he’s not going to be happy with more. It goes in one ear and out the other. So, I have to let his complaints go in one ear of mine and out the other. But even those nights, even though I probably do dream, I rarely remember the dreams when I wake up.

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