No more superficial…

At the beginning of the year I decided to strip a lot of superficial depthless behavior.  I needed to take my own advice about letting things go. This included the constant dying of my hair.  Since I was in my early 20’s I have had premature gray.  I hid it like if it was something shameful.  I covered it up like a dirty secret.  As it was growing out I cut my long hair to make the transition quicker.  It was a tough few months.  I wanted to hide the roots and everything else.  I felt exposed.   I was constantly second guessing myself.  Thank goodness for wonderful friends who supported the process.

Now, after so many months, I get to admire the real color of my hair.  I also get to be me.  I stopped worrying about what others would think.  I earned each gray hair.  And, yes, some people did not care for this process.  They think I am still too young to “let it all hang out like that.”  But, I’ve learned a few things about myself this year: The color of my hair doesn’t determine who I am.  It is the colors I carry in my heart.

At 44 years young I am finally happy with the person staring back from the mirror.  It was exhausting to be coloring my hair every two weeks because the gray was so prominent.  I truly did not want to know who I was behind that mask.  That’s the thing about superficial outward appearances: we use them to hide the traumas, low self-esteem, and so many other secrets.  Shedding the dark hair also allowed weight to come off.  Things started to diminish and fade away in the background.  It is funny how letting go of pretenses helps shed the many things we hang on to for security.

So many times we keep upholding a totally different extension of ourselves to fit in society.  We want to make others happy by looking a certain way, acting a certain manner, while all along being exhausted from the façade.  I am learning to never take myself serious.  I am finally loving myself in a way I never imagined.

This is a recent picture of my son, Patrick, and I hiking last month.  I also believe that people approach me now with some gentleness.  Is it that I look old?  I don’t think it’s that.  I believe it is the lack of pretentiousness.  Oh, who knows!  I am finally able to dance in the rain and sing out loud and have little filtering.  Life is too short to be battling with what people think.  Life is all about loving the journey and yourself in the process!

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22 thoughts on “No more superficial…

  1. unfetteredbs

    Lordy this made me smile!! I love that you let it all go. I let my hairdresser talk me into coloring my hair once when I was 36– ONCE. I could not do it again. Too much damn work. It drove her crazy that I was so young and going gray. I have a full head of salt and pepper– more salt unfortunately. It drives me crazy but I am what I am– no hiding it. I hear oh you have such a young face for so much gray. People want to touch it?? WHY? I think old ladies want to high five me for coming to the other side!
    I love the picture– nice to see you 🙂 and your boy is handsome!

    1. The funny thing is that I’ve always admired women with gray hair. I was the one to always make a lovely comment. I just couldn’t do it. It is so much better. I feel real. My kids were my cheerleaders. If my boys thought it was good, then nothing else matters. Thank you, sweetie. God, we put ourselves through so much unnecessary stress, right? Crazy. Much love…!

      1. Audra, it does. I think it is getting easier because I am allowing myself to come out completely. Being authentic with yourself is the hardest thing to learn. Much love, sweetie. have a great day. You are gorgeous inside and out!

  2. Tom

    And one can find oneself surrounded by men who dye their hair. But I’m sure there are always reasons which might include trying to minimize “dis-qualifiers” as one hunts for work or seeks a better job within the organization.. For me, I can’t help but be curious about what is in store for me physically as my life continues to unfold. Some things? OK. Others? Not always so good. In the meantime …

  3. Attagirl!!! You’ve “wised-up” (as my brother would say) about the color of your hair! Or maybe, like me, you just got fed-up with having to “touch up” all the time. Either way, what difference does it make whether someone else likes your grey hair or not?! You’re the one who has to live with it, not them. I stopped caring a LONG time ago what other people thought of my grey hair. The ones who care don’t matter and the people who matter don’t care. And, YES, you HAVE earned every single one of those grey hairs! Take it from someone who knows! I’m proud of you!

  4. I love it (and I love that picture of you and your boy)! I’m not quite there yet. I’m living proof that trauma can make you go grey – it started growing in within days of the tsunami divorce. It’s still scattered enough that I color it, but I’m sure I’ll let it go one of these days. Thanks for the encouragement:)

  5. That’s about the age I was when I thought I was too young to be gray. I colored my hair a couple of times and decided it was way more work than I was willing to do. I’ve got better things to do with my time…like read blogs! 😉 soM

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