I spent the night participating in home movies of myself. The scenes, characters, and situations all suffocated me with negativity. My ex played a huge role in patronizing and embarrassing me in front of others. My family turned things upside down to make a point of my “reckless-risky behaviors and decisions.” Friends came out of nowhere to humiliate me and tell me “their truths” about how they felt in regards of my actions and choices. These are the small gatherings of traumas leftover from some other time in my life. Every so often sleep takes me to the subconscious house of pain. While I am awake I rarely go to those rooms of anguish and agony.
Carl Jung would have a field day with the symbols and archetypes decomposing the brokenness from the collective unconsciousness. Years ago mornings like this would leave me in tears, mangled and confused. I would be paralyzed in making a decision without overly analyzing for days. I would ask continuously, “What’s my purpose here? I can’t contribute to this or that. They are right.” I would find myself spinning out of self-doubt, self-control while lacking self-worth. Once in that space of inflicted hostility everything seemed worthless of my attention and magnified by inexplicable amount of fears.
Recently I was watching a show with Mark Nepo. He was being interviewed by Oprah on Super Soul Sunday. These words echoed this morning when I woke, “To be broke is not a reason to see all things broken.” I know the past is a wilderness forest. Once you pass the corner you can only see forward. You can see shadows of those bad things in the far distance. Nothing can hurt you any longer from back there. I have spiritually evolved enough to know these dreams happen when a huge change is about to take place in my life. They replicate and feed off the little scared girl in me. Their presence is a reminder of how much light I’ve acquired.
We have the inexplicable habit of seeing the world as broken when we are down feeling broken as well. We justify the negativity as part of our community – the pity-party group. In darkness all you see is dark unless you allow the spirit to find a switch to turn on the light. It only takes an instance to do this. This is what I’ve realized: we are never broken anymore than we are fixed. It is a shift in our egos that allows us to choose which side we serve. In being broken we minister to the dark side of our soul. In accepting our imperfections as perfections we support the light of spirit. Which do you choose to serve? Which side will you be: the victim or the survivor?
As I am sipping on my java looking at yet another gray day I smile in contentment. I am reminded of the great things in my life…right now this instance: The dog lies near my feet; the cat is stretched out purring on a chair; the man I love is sound asleep down the hall; the smell of incense fills the room; and candles flicker in an erratic dance. This is Divinity signing to my essence of the great shift in perception. There is no more darkness. I won’t go there in waking moments feeding the negativity from the night.
Stop counting your cracks, the imperfections, the shattered insecurities and begin to see what each scar has brought to you in strength. There…in there…lies a loving spirit dedicated to live in harmony. You are whole…not a hole of pity. Don’t let the sunshine frighten you more than the big black shadows. Stop being afraid to live! Each breath is a gift. Don’t take it lightly! God bless….