I spent the night participating in home movies of myself. The scenes, characters, and situations all suffocated me with negativity. My ex played a huge role in patronizing and embarrassing me in front of others. My family turned things upside down to make a point of my “reckless-risky behaviors and decisions.” Friends came out of nowhere to humiliate me and tell me “their truths” about how they felt in regards of my actions and choices. These are the small gatherings of traumas leftover from some other time in my life. Every so often sleep takes me to the subconscious house of pain. While I am awake I rarely go to those rooms of anguish and agony.
Carl Jung would have a field day with the symbols and archetypes decomposing the brokenness from the collective unconsciousness. Years ago mornings like this would leave me in tears, mangled and confused. I would be paralyzed in making a decision without overly analyzing for days. I would ask continuously, “What’s my purpose here? I can’t contribute to this or that. They are right.” I would find myself spinning out of self-doubt, self-control while lacking self-worth. Once in that space of inflicted hostility everything seemed worthless of my attention and magnified by inexplicable amount of fears.
Recently I was watching a show with Mark Nepo. He was being interviewed by Oprah on Super Soul Sunday. These words echoed this morning when I woke, “To be broke is not a reason to see all things broken.” I know the past is a wilderness forest. Once you pass the corner you can only see forward. You can see shadows of those bad things in the far distance. Nothing can hurt you any longer from back there. I have spiritually evolved enough to know these dreams happen when a huge change is about to take place in my life. They replicate and feed off the little scared girl in me. Their presence is a reminder of how much light I’ve acquired.
We have the inexplicable habit of seeing the world as broken when we are down feeling broken as well. We justify the negativity as part of our community – the pity-party group. In darkness all you see is dark unless you allow the spirit to find a switch to turn on the light. It only takes an instance to do this. This is what I’ve realized: we are never broken anymore than we are fixed. It is a shift in our egos that allows us to choose which side we serve. In being broken we minister to the dark side of our soul. In accepting our imperfections as perfections we support the light of spirit. Which do you choose to serve? Which side will you be: the victim or the survivor?
As I am sipping on my java looking at yet another gray day I smile in contentment. I am reminded of the great things in my life…right now this instance: The dog lies near my feet; the cat is stretched out purring on a chair; the man I love is sound asleep down the hall; the smell of incense fills the room; and candles flicker in an erratic dance. This is Divinity signing to my essence of the great shift in perception. There is no more darkness. I won’t go there in waking moments feeding the negativity from the night.
Stop counting your cracks, the imperfections, the shattered insecurities and begin to see what each scar has brought to you in strength. There…in there…lies a loving spirit dedicated to live in harmony. You are whole…not a hole of pity. Don’t let the sunshine frighten you more than the big black shadows. Stop being afraid to live! Each breath is a gift. Don’t take it lightly! God bless….
Moments with Millie 
I tend to think we can be thoroughly broken, as there was a time in my life that lasted for many years in which I was broken in every way, physically, financially, emotionally and spiritually. I barely made it out alive many times. I climbed out of it by the “skin of my teeth”. But in that, lies the lesson that we can be repaired. If I can be repaired, I believe anyone can.
I LOVE your comment about “stop counting your cracks”. Amen to that sista! And I have finally evolved to the point now that you know what? I love my cracks!! They make me who I am and add to my patina. 😉
After 50 years….I finally love myself, cracks and all. There is a tremendous lesson in that. And I have learned sooooo much from you, my dear friend. You have been a wonderful piece of my journey. Thank you for sharing your gifts with us all. xoxo
Oh sweetie, it is when we embrace our cracks, scars, and imperfections that we can let go of the past. Until then we carry everything and replay it. I just love your comment. Thank you so very much. I love you and the amazing wisdom!
Every word is precious, they speak to my heart, I hear your pain and your growth,the beauty and the light, the shadows, the storms and the rainbows…
You have a unique way of expressing clearly your past and present. This is just a beautiful piece of writing, thanks!
Have a lovely weekend 🙂
Darling, you have a way with such beautiful and delicate words. Thank you so very much for your support. Have a wonderful weekend as well. We are all traveling together learning from each other. Mucho love!
Beautifully written. This struck a cord in me. Thanks.
Dear sweetness…I believe everyone has a little bit of this understanding. It is part of our humanness. These things allow us to push forward. Thank you so much!
I love this, if for no other reason than the depth of truth it holds. We all tend to take part in far too many “pity parties” — some even seem to enjoy the drama of the moment — but all it does is drag us down even further. I have always been, at heart, a survivor. Yes, I’ve gone through periods of self-pity, self-doubt, etc., but when all was said and done, I picked myself up, brushed myself off, and moved on. Just like my dogs do. I prefer sunshine, but if we didn’t have rain once in a while, all of Nature’s beauty would dry up, turn to dust, and fly away.
Those are the beautiful choices in life: sunshine or rain. There is nothing wrong with embracing either of them…I just prefer to move to light. We can’t really learn without the falls, the hurt, the brokenness. They become part of our strength. Thank you for the wisdom, dear friend. Have a wonderful day!
You too, Millie! Love you bunches!!!
kisses!
How very often i used to lay in bed and count all those moments when others broke me piece by piece, while i was trying to glue things back together. Its soothing and hurtful at the same time to look back at things and dwell on them. But thats what makes us who we are.
Smile x
I love your raw-insightful comments. That is what makes us for sure! Thank you sweetness. Wishing you a delightful weekend. Mucho love.
Well, whats the point of leaving a comment that doesnt show one’s personality, right? 🙂 x
abso-freaking-lutely! hugs!!!!!!!! smiling here!
Mille, you describe the human revisionist so well. My movies sometimes start in mid-sentence with someone. I start immediately reviewing, questioning and rewriting the exchange b/c I’ve been trained to think I’ve messed it up… when it’s probably all good. All good. You have amazing insights.
Thank you dear friend. Learning to find insights in everything….That’s something your site provides for me as well. Mucho love. Thanks for the sharing. I love it.
Thinkers and tender souls find themselves always… touched by something and wondering, ‘WHY!”
ALWAYS! We travel the same roads.