Honoring the Rawness and Ugliness

mom and daughter holding hands

I woke this morning and hit a wall (literally and figuratively).  I was half asleep walking out of my room when out of nowhere the wall socked me on the forehead.  I stood back and looked at it is dismayed.  What the hell?  I continued walking down the hall rubbing the spot like a magical lamp, waiting for a genie to pop out and grant me a wish.  It was there and then I broke down.  I sat at the kitchen table sobbing.  My daughter returns today from seeing her father.  She has been gone a whole week.  The last time she visited him was last Christmas with her brother.  When they returned my son decided he couldn’t live with me any longer.  Things were promised to him that were beyond my reach.  Now, I wonder how her behavior will be when I pick her up at the airport this evening.  Will she find the grass is greener in Miami?  She’s my last child, the baby of the family.  I cannot give her the material things her father can.  All I can give her is love and time.  He has a way of facilitating love with money and substituting it for the absence of time.

I sat down holding my head between my hands.  I can’t do this again!  This is not something I do easily.  I can’t fight the emotions that come up when I think of my children and how two of them have chosen to keep me out of their lives.  I understand that they arrived later in age and never adjusted to having a structured family. Regardless of their choices I love them and hope one day they can accept my unconditional love as a guiding light.  No matter what I do or say it will never be of their acceptance.  The only thing I can do is remain distance and send prayers every day.

There are moments in our lives that require a good head knock.  We are constantly going and going and going while avoiding the emotions.  I spent the entire week of Thanksgiving avoiding emotions.  Yesterday I got up, bundled tightly with warm clothes and trekked up a mountain.  I walked the 3-1/2 miles with such speed that when I got to the top my hips ached with strain.  Each movement required me to suck in the tears.  I didn’t know how I was going to come back down another hour and a half.  Something happened while I was on top of the world.  I sat down on a boulder and stared at the view.  I was closer to God.  It was there that I realized what was bothering me so deeply, why I had been so moody for days, and why I was so overly sensitive.  Heading back down, knees giving out every so often, pain on my hips causing a huge discomfort with the descending steps, I allowed myself the gift of meditating.  Walking meditation has always been a powerful tool for me.  I put my instrumental music on my IPOD and I don’t know how I made it back down.  Before I knew it I was walking into my house.

This morning’s head smack allowed the pent up emotions to subside.  This season of giving is not fun when the finances aren’t there.  My daughter will return with an abundance of “things” that I can’t provide at the moment.  Now with my head throbbing, my body aching from yesterday’s hike, I can’t fight the inevitable: I have to honor the rawness and ugliness of events from this past year.  I sit with tears trailing down my face.  All I have are prayers and faith that whatever happens is meant to happen.  Love is a powerful emotion.  It is strong in binding and letting go.  Love requires the soul to surrender. Its only expectation is that you listen attentively to yourself.  My ego has been non-stop bickering and all I can do now is sit patiently and allow whatever is meant to happen.

You, reading this, perhaps have gone through similar experiences.  You are not alone in disappointments, hurt, betrayal, ugliness, judgment, bigotry and distrust.  You aren’t alone on your walk.  There is a point that we require peace with our mental stability.  I have avoided going to see a therapist for almost a year.  Today, the head banging knocked some clarity into my stubbornness.  I am too far inside my own emotions to see the light.  It is time. With the holidays upon us it is not the best time to go solo in testing my strength.  My hippie-unicorn mentality can’t fix this imbalance alone.  My wish for you is that if you are in a similar space that you accept someone to help you.  It isn’t failure.  It is about self awareness, surrendering and love.  The hardest thing to do for most of us is ask for help.  You are not alone…ever!  Mucho love to you.


20 thoughts on “Honoring the Rawness and Ugliness

  1. Melanie

    I don’t even consider a therapist as “going for help”. I consider it a gift of just being able to talk to a person who you know will listen and sometimes that’s enough. Never consider it a back step, a loss, a weakness. We all need someone to talk to and with a therapist, you can say things that you may not say or want to say to someone who is close in your “circle” and they are far enough removed to offer some good advice or at least another perspective. It’s a gift. Do what you feel you have to do with no regret. Our society has created this holiday in which many need someone to talk to and think some things through. Love you my friend. ❤

  2. I am so sorry. Children are not pawns to use in a material game of life. Kids don’t understand; they just see things they want.
    Intrinsic love is so much more deeper, mature, and unconditional. They will learn that from you in time. I sympathize with your heartache.

    ~ Darling

  3. Deeanna

    Millie, through all of life’s lessons but best wishes are with you. I am thankful for the life you share, the life that we have all experienced or avoided at any cost. I use to teach want to be parents when my daughters were young and at one of the sessions for some reason, I asked why do we have children? And then I said, to create independent adults. I am not sure where that came from but it has made me rethink my role and decisions as a mother. If we truly want them to be independent adults we have to let them fly alone from the nest. It does not make our connection with them any less, and deep within they know that and that is what is truly important. Those lessons with the ex can be very valuable…. as long as they know you are there with love and acceptance. Hugs and much love to you.

    1. Dee, your words always reach me profoundly. Thank you for the wisdom. What an amazing way of looking at things. She came home okay. Unfortunately with the arrival came a lot of stuff I don’t care to carry. I am learning to let go. This parent role is never easy but the rewards of having children are priceless. They teach valuable and substantial lessons of love and endurance. Thank you for the love and support. Hugs and kisses!

  4. Its so sad that the world around us is shaped in a material way, making youngsters to have different values than what we used to have. The love of a mother, the security of her warmth should be the force, driving kids to be better, to motivate them to achieve goals.
    I hope you picked her up and everything went better than expected. Stay strong. Kids always seem to act the way we dont want them to…

  5. I’m just now catching up (again!) on my blog post reading so forgive my late comment…
    I don’t believe Angie is as interested in “things” as she is in her relationship with you. She has always struck me as a sensible, sensitive girl.
    As for therapy — if you feel you need it, then go for it. Sometimes we all need an impartial person to hear us out and offer a different perspective on our journey. Or, just someone to listen to our rantings.

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