Magical Fairy Dress

gazebo

The most talented person I’ve known came yesterday to visit me: my cousin, Vania.  She brought with her a wedding dress that she made for me.  I have never tried on a wedding dress.  My first marriage at 18 was at the courthouse.  The second relationship never led to an altar and towards the end of the eighteen years I knew there would never be a marriage.  It’s not that I haven’t been asked to get married…it’s that I have never found myself wanting to say “yes” and following through with it.  Something in me always nudged and tugged and twirled inside with a knowing that it was wrong.  Anxiety and fear paralyzed me with the thought of “forever” being a prison sentence. But, now standing in front of the mirror with this magical dress created for me I knew that I had been waiting for Matt all of my life.

Vania up-cycled this dress from my best friend’s wedding dress and an antique dress my mother bought for me many years ago.  There, staring at the reflection in the mirror of a middle age woman feeling like a twenty-something girl I saw love and grace.  The dress brings a mystical element to this marriage.  There will be three strong women guiding me to the entrance of this union all threaded in this funky-hippie-like garment full of lace, joy and love.

I twirled around the room, bringing the bottom of the dress up like a fairy.  I took off my socks, envisioning myself barefooted walking towards the gazebo in our retreat center, daisies in my hair, carrying sunflowers in a few months.  I will be walking towards the one man who has accepted me in such a deep level, never wanting to change me, or mold me into a different woman, but has unconditionally loved everything about my goofiness, silliness, and sarcastic personality.  He embraces the truth of me.

I am blown away at how Vania captured my soul in this dress.  It is spiritually mythical in essence.  I have never thought of me having any sort of wedding.  I like simplicity.  We will have a garden spring feast with close friends and family.  I don’t want anyone dressing up.  Those who are coming are meant to be here to witness the vows of two people who have been looking for one another until the perfect timing. Bobbie will be marrying us. It is a potluck celebration embellishing our harmonious gathering with those who love us.

There are people who don’t “get” our relationship.  They can’t see past the differences.  We are atypical in so many levels, yet the same in so many others.  We both need space, alone time, as writers and creators.  We can be in the same house all day and never feel the pressure of talking.  Matt loves the military.  I don’t believe in war or violence.  He creates fantasy war games for a living.  I would be creating unicorn-riding hippie girls saving the world if I knew how to make games.  He likes heavy metal music.  I prefer classical and Celtic instrumental melodies.  I read self-help and spiritual books.  He’s a history buff.  I love vegetables.  He’s a meat and potato man.  I go to bed early and wake before sunrise.  He is a night owl.  But, here is the thing: I have never felt more understood and appreciated in my life.  He respects me and each moment I walk into his presence his face lights up, almost as if saying, “There you are.  I’ve missed you, babe.”

Standing in front of the mirror I imagined my mother smiling from Heaven.  I could see her approval for such a simple righteous man in my life.  There is no drama.  Lord knows I’ve had plenty of it for a lifetime!  There is a common ground of respect, laughter, sharing, and affection.  I don’t think I’ve ever been loved this way…ever.  With us what you see is exactly what you get.  There is no guessing game.  We can hike up a mountain and make an adventure of it.   We can sit and watch a movie or read a book or just talk and it feels like home in a way I’ve never known.  My spirit is comfortable and feels right.

A few nights ago my daughter, Matt and I watched a movie.  I cry at every moving-sentimental scene.  This big-tough guy beats me to it every time.  He starts to wipe his tears before my daughter notices them.  I rub his arm and his hair.  I melt at his sensitivity.  No one would ever know.  He looks at me and I can feel his heart widening.  I can feel the touch of spirit reaching in there and moving him through openness and tenderness.

As I stood inside this magical dress last night I was transported to my childhood, adulthood and future.  Three women stitched together to bring me into a beautiful chapter of my life: Vania, Bobbie, and my mother.  I will forever be grateful for my cousin’s love and creativity to have her as part of me on this special day.  Thank you, my love!  I am beyond humbled and honored with this divine gift.

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9 thoughts on “Magical Fairy Dress

  1. Millie, I am always amazed how you are able to transcend even the most simplest of feelings into something magical and inspiring. I wish I could share these special moments with you as you prepare to take this long-awaited journey towards peace & love with your soul mate, my son Matthew. It warms this Mother’s heart so much to have such a sweet soul become my child’s life partner and any fears & anxieties I’ve encountered in his lifetime shall be laid to rest when the two of you are joined in marriage on that happiest of days in April. Since my younger days, I’ve always wished to be blessed with a daughter and a relationship similar to the one I shared with my own Mother. On that beautiful day in April, my wish will be fulfilled and I will feel altogether confident that my son’s beautiful heart will be shared with a woman that is so deserving of his love. You are a treasure and I am so happy that our families will be joined as one and I’ll have that daughter I’ve so long yearned for to make my life complete. Thank you, thank you, thank you – we have been waiting for you such a long time. All our love and a big Momma hug is being sent with this wish. Enjoy these special moments & take lots of pictures (except the wedding dress) of the days leading up to the big moment!

    1. Mom! I am in tears reading this beautiful comment. Thank you. I am so blessed to have you all in my life. I’ve always said that men like Matt are special because of their mothers. You have raised a beautiful and special soul. He shows me a part of you everyday. What a blessing. Thank YOU! I wish you were closer but we will have many more times of sharing and joy. See you soon. I love you. I love you. I love you. What an honor to have you here as a motherly figure on my magical day. Hugs and kisses! Mucho love.

  2. That’s beautiful, Millie. I love how your pure, loving soul comes out in your writing. Even if two people are very different on the outside, love can go past all that to a much deeper connection. God bless~
    -David

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