This morning I am at a loss. A dear friend committed suicide Sunday night. A beautiful soul with so much light and love moved on as her spirit was yearning to go home. We spoke that same morning and I asked her to come visit this weekend for energy work, girl’s time and to be in nature. She was excited and told me she would let me know during the week. I had witnessed through her writing the past few months a spiraling downward of hurt, faithless moments of pulling away, and agony for the unknown in this life. With pure desperation she tried to hang on. It was too much. I am saddened by this news. She will be missed immensely.
She and I never met in person. She came here last May while I was at a friend’s wedding in San Francisco. Immediately she reached out on Facebook. We would write to each other personal messages of inspiration, discussing spirituality and lessons. We would exchange sites on something that moved us to grow and expand our minds. In Christmas she sent me a beautiful book by Mark Nepo called The Book of Awakening which I will cherish every day as I read the meditations. She was an extraordinary woman who got lost in the dark corners of her mind. But, even with such façade of being upbeat the underlining terror remained. This is why I reached out to her to visit soon. I feared the worst.
I, too, have been at that point of hopeless desperation watching the ripple effect of decisions all turning to darkness. I know everything affects everything. My checking out would mean I would leave a terror of psychological disturbances for my children, family and friends. It has been many years since I felt this on my bathroom floor at 3AM. I understand the need to find peace and consolation. There are no easy answers. Every person is their own universe trying to explore new terrains, getting lost, and finding a place to land firmly for a while.
Dying is not courageous. Living is courageous. The minute we take our first breath it is a journey towards death. It takes bravery, faith, and desire to remain here. Often times our spirits have had enough. This woman knew this as she had a near death experience several years ago in a car accident. She understood the peace that happens once your soul lets go. She wasn’t afraid of moving on. She was exhausted in hanging on. One of her last messages mentioned how she just didn’t fit here anymore. I sent her a message of hope. She thanked me and told me to pray for her. My spirit somehow knew she was letting go, my humanness couldn’t really grasp it. Her honesty reminded me of some dead-end moments in my distant past. On Sunday she seemed better, hopeful, faithful in her words of encouragement. I will never know what happened during that evening.
Her death has awakened many from the coma of oblivion. We move through life with our own dramas, twisted plots and characters. I hope that if anyone is at this place of giving up to please reach out to someone. My heart expanded last night to her two children. Her son left a beautiful and powerful message on her Facebook wall. It touched me with such depth because she left in him the same spirituality she carried within her. In honoring his mother he will find strength to mold a life of substance and purpose. I believe it strongly. She was an amazing mother.
There are moments we look at our reflection and wonder if this is all there is. Where is youth? What will happen tomorrow? What’s the purpose of this terrifying struggle? What is the meaning and purpose of my life? We have so many questions. Sometimes the questions are much more relevant than having the answers. In questioning motifs, decisions, choices, past experiences, and the complexities of our stories we reach a level of growth and understanding. There are moments we find clarity and moments where there is no light. Regardless of religious beliefs or spiritual practice we are still humans. Doubts arise. The terror of living in continuous pain is too much to swallow. In our own convictions we turn to God and believe that He will have mercy on us in whatever way we choose to exist…here on earth or in the afterlife.
We will never know the answers to her desperation. My only wish is that she finds the safety and warmth of Divine light as she returns to the place of Source. We cannot judge another for the decisions they make. She will be missed by many. Her soul was absolutely lovely. As I return to my prayers this morning I hold her dearly in contemplation. Rest in peace, my dear friend! The legacy of your love and life will forever be remembered. May you guide us to the light when our time arrives! We will be reunited one day….!
“To live in the hearts of others is never to die.”