There’s a breaking point to everything. Things begin to tip one way before returning to the center. I hit a wall in the wee hours of a rainy morning a few weeks back. I knew the calling had to be answered. You want to get to know yourself? Go off the media, news, computer, and any distraction. There is a moment of discomfort that can lasts for days. Once you pass the hump of ego bitching you out you get to enter a place of humility. It isn’t for the quitters. It isn’t for the faint at heart. It can be ugly, nasty, painful and full of emotional crap you never want to examine. But, I promise that once you leave the comfort zone the world changes. Hide for a bit, detach from others, and find solitude in moments of weakness and distress. It’s okay. It is always okay. When you get to where you are going it is full of clarity and love. “Difficult roads often lead to beautiful destinations.”
On this particular night I made a choice to give myself some days off everything. I would not eat meat or sugars during this time. Every time I’ve done this (a few times a year) a huge blessing arrives with a complete understand of why my spiritual body urges me to do this for my physical and emotional parts. As days began to unfold with the bitter taste of headaches, discomfort and other emotions the main issue stood in front of me. This time it was about parenting. Being a parent sucks at times. I don’t know what to say or how to say it eloquently but as parents we go through the roller coaster of memories: those of the past and of the present. We live every beginning simultaneously with an ending.
Sometimes love is the most difficult emotion of all. The love for the self is always a struggle, especially for the caregivers. Have I been consciously aware of all the mistakes? Will I continue to make them again? I can’t answer questions about the future. I don’t know. What I do know is that in the midst of a spring night my thoughts gathered in my chest, instead of my head, and dictated the doubts, anxiety, sadness, and confusion that in waking moments I don’t feel. It’s as if the devil himself shows up to torture me. Ego is his name!
Life has a way of entertaining me. I don’t always need the many days I commit to take as a regimen. The moment I begin the ritual God begins to show presence. It’s as if love appears through everything I touch. The composition of love has many layers: grace, attachment, charity, approval, adoration, recognition, passion, unity, forgiveness, letting go, spirituality, physical, devotion, and faith. These are of course my colors for this painting I get to call MY LIFE. I want to return to allowing love to raise me up; to perfect me to the best of me; to turn me inside and out with joy. I don’t want to let the hurt I’ve felt through betrayal to stop this growth: physically, emotionally or spiritually. I wear my heart on my sleeves for anyone to grab and own. I don’t like feeling this wall of protection. What I give out returns in abundance! The forty days I planned on taking shorten the minute I begin to understand what was coming.
I have always said that my children have raised me into a human being of diversity. They have been the cause of what and who I am today. I am grateful for each one and their lessons. This is the hard part of being a mother…totally entrusting and allowing. It’s not easy. For those who aren’t parents this seems so silly in nature. It isn’t until you are responsible solely for another that you can embrace the capacity and limitations of your heart. Having relationships or any other form of unity with another doesn’t compare to the conscious movement of mind and heart wrestling at all times for the welfare of a child (regardless of their age). On a conscious level I am aware that we all come into this life on a journey full of lessons and experiences. On an ego/human level I want to be the one to guide them. It isn’t so. Once I decided to stop the egotistical chit chat I was free of all expectations. However, when one or two or three of these children hurt me within a short period of time, not trying to take it personally is really hard. I am their common denominator. I am the one who they are pushing away, pulling when they need to, and discarding when they are done. The “not taking it personally” really is maddening.
So what I learned through two weeks of truly allowing is not to take things personally. What others think of me is really none of my business…ever! Love, unconditional or not, is the reason we exist. In the process of all this detoxification we have a bundle of joy in our possession. It isn’t an easy road ahead but nothing that is of magnitude, faith and love ever is. We strive for stability. God has answered through blessings and whispers. At times the whispers have turned to opera status. I get it. I understand the lessons.
Listen to your inner voice. Pay attention to the whispers. I try not to discuss my spiritual growth or lay do’s and do-not’s upon anyone. This is mine to master until my last breath. I have no answers to what happens to anyone else. I only know what Spirit guides me to do. Second guessing myself is definitely a no-no. Sit still and listen to yours. We can accomplish anything and everything when we allow God to lead us. Love never fails because it is the composition of the Divine.