Until Next Time


I have been directed so many times lately to get down on my knees and surrender.  I have done this alone in my most intimate moments: in meditation practice, while showering, in the woods, and in my kitchen (to name a few).  I have felt the force of hands guiding me down to let go.  In those personal moments Hope and Grace visit me.  I am shown silent-moving pictures of what can happen when I allow for God to do His thing.  That’s all I can do.  I stand each time and softly say, “Yes.  Thank you!  I got it.”

Reasoning looses a battle here inside of me.  I know I have no control over the events and forth coming circumstances.  These things create a life.  They are inevitable.  Each one of us has a path.  I get the whole metaphysical and esoteric teachings.  I understand the religious lingo.  I know our time here is made up of steps leading into another.  We can’t stop it.  The past just happened.  The future is starting.  There is just now, this very moment.

Sometimes we need a reminder.  We need a mirror to show us what is happening externally.  I live in my head, oblivious of my surroundings.  I meet people and couldn’t tell you what they looked like.  However I can pick up on a loss, a trauma, an event that changed their lives.  I can see the turmoil, or the joy, or Divinity rising from them, staring gently into my eyes.  I don’t know how this happens.  I don’t ask anymore.  I don’t always like seeing what I see.  I don’t always like knowing what I know.  A huge percentage of my life is spent in silence of those things I see around me and of loved ones.  It is a burden to others to know even when they think that they want to know.  And, it is a burden for me to carry those things even when I surrender.  For a lifetime this “knowing” had been denied.  A year or so ago I decided to just allow it.  It has been a challenge in many levels to have direct contact from Spirit and guides.  It isn’t for everyone to understand.  Depending on your beliefs and background it can be described as evil.  I never wanted to be judged for my intuition or discernment.  I kept it quiet for a lifetime.  And, here, now in this moment that intuition is what guides me to make the right choices.  It is the connection with God and all that is good.

Being down on my knees, holding God’s hands, I know this chapter with my daughter and granddaughter is far from over.  I have this baby in my care.  She is bringing so much joy and love into my life.  I fell in love with her the moment our eyes locked.  It was instantaneous.  Soul to soul opened a path.  And, here she is pushing and pulling love from so many around her.  But, my daughter is not.  She is in need of prayers, help and severe medical care at this point.  She’s not and will not think things in a rational manner.  How does one pick and choose what the path will lead into when mental illness dictates the journey?  I don’t know.  I seem to know even less every day.

I used to think that if you carried an open heart it was the gateway to Divinity.  I used to think if you showed kindness and compassion onto another that it would open up a tunnel into the holographic universe of hope.  I have always thought of myself as a level headed yet stubborn student.   Each lesson that has appeared has shown up at the precise moment needed to force growth into the evolution of my spirit.  Those things that were of certainty mean little to me right now.  Thoughts and emotions flow simultaneously.  My job is to allow them.  I am human.  It is a constant battle of ego and spirit.  Each day I am learning to move with Spirit.  Divinity is never wrong!

My wisdom at times falls short of sufficiency.  I surrender.  When those close to me witness the shut down things are taken personally.  I am trying to stay afloat while truly moving inward.  There is little else to do.  Fear has taken residency at times.  Then the hands of God reach down again to pull me down to the floor, reassuring me that I am not alone here.  My wonderful support group is here for me.  I am not a victim of these circumstances.  I am a bystander of the mess made by mental illness and lack of mental capabilities.  My daughter is who she is and has always been.  I love her more today than I did yesterday.  I am exhausted with the knowing that this won’t end well for her.  And in that knowing my equilibrium is unbalanced at times.  My mind swirls into chaos for several moments.  Tears spill outward and then I am new.  It happens frequently until the Divine hands me a smile from a baby, a touch from my lover, a concern conversation from a friend, and the wisdom to know that this too shall pass…until the next time.

“God had brought me to my knees and made me acknowledge my own nothingness, and out of that knowledge I had been reborn. I was no longer the centre of my life and therefore I could see God in everything.” – Bede Griffiths

12 thoughts on “Until Next Time

  1. Millie – wow! In so much as you are the vessel for knowing and seeing, so too are you the vessel through which these spirits–your daughter and granddaughter must move through and around in from your example in which to navigate this thing called being human. You are amazing. Just your 5th and 6th sense alone cast the light of the divine on them. I know it’s painful–this gift–I fear my own daughter has it… She knows what I am thinking so often–or whom I’m thinking about, she knows the pains of so many others and can intuit them when friends don’t tell it straight… and yet she struggles with her own issues. Struggle must be part of the path to the divine. We know it is. Who would Job or Mary be without their pain to carry? Who would we be? Sending light Mother Millie, so you can keep giving it! -Renee

    1. Renee, I was just telling a good friend of mine that I was going to delete this entry. Sometimes sharing too much is not applicable…but it is who I am. She said to me “No Deleting!” And, then here is your comment sent in a way of confirmation. Thank you.
      I love how you mention Job and Mary and all that we are as humans. Your daughter has an amazing gift and you are allowing it to be a part of her truth and life. Bravo to you. I wish my family had been so understanding growing up instead of taking me to doctors. Anxieties come from those things that we try to control when we can’t because they are part of our genetic makeup. I applaud you! I have allowed some of my kids (the biological ones) to develop these “gifts.” Life is easier when we flow with who we are and not against it.
      Once again, Renee, thank you so very much. I am filled with gratitude. Mucho love to you. I hope one day we will meet. Hugs and kisses!

      1. Millie – part of what draws me to your blog is your strength in putting yourself out there. I’m not there yet. I could write everyday, but am prone to spewing if I do that. I also would be prone to inviting my marital and child rearing struggles more into the light of day than my child and spouse would care for. Out of fairness to their wishes, I hold back. But for those people who can go there, I am drawn to them because they have found a different healing path and the warmth that emanates from the healing found on the public page is palpable. And you do that so well. On allowing my daughter to be herself – I still struggle–how much of “being herself” – which ALSO means not being motivated to do thing for her future–is good for her? I struggle every day with how much to swoop in and rescue and how much to let her fall in her face when the bruises of that falling may haunt her for years to come? Every parent struggles with this, but for now I hold off on writing about it as it involves too much of her and too many people in my community would read it and she doesn’t want that. So, I wait and meditate and keep on telling myself, “let go. It’s ok, just let go.” Because if I don’t I’m going to try and radio control everything which will damage the relationship and leave her weaker than when she started making those bad decisions to begin with. Conversely, I try to honor her gifts and acknowledge them, even though she’s lost so much faith in herself, she struggles with doing the same. No, please keep being who you are on the page. Esp for those of us who can’t bring all of who we are–yet–to this place. Sending an air-hug! -Renee

  2. You are so not alone in feeling the need to surrender! I’ve felt it repeatedly throughout this year and have so many other friend seekers out there experiencing the same thing… imagine what will happen when we all collectively throw our hands up and become the flow!!! Blessings to you, beautiful!

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