I have been directed so many times lately to get down on my knees and surrender. I have done this alone in my most intimate moments: in meditation practice, while showering, in the woods, and in my kitchen (to name a few). I have felt the force of hands guiding me down to let go. In those personal moments Hope and Grace visit me. I am shown silent-moving pictures of what can happen when I allow for God to do His thing. That’s all I can do. I stand each time and softly say, “Yes. Thank you! I got it.”
Reasoning looses a battle here inside of me. I know I have no control over the events and forth coming circumstances. These things create a life. They are inevitable. Each one of us has a path. I get the whole metaphysical and esoteric teachings. I understand the religious lingo. I know our time here is made up of steps leading into another. We can’t stop it. The past just happened. The future is starting. There is just now, this very moment.
Sometimes we need a reminder. We need a mirror to show us what is happening externally. I live in my head, oblivious of my surroundings. I meet people and couldn’t tell you what they looked like. However I can pick up on a loss, a trauma, an event that changed their lives. I can see the turmoil, or the joy, or Divinity rising from them, staring gently into my eyes. I don’t know how this happens. I don’t ask anymore. I don’t always like seeing what I see. I don’t always like knowing what I know. A huge percentage of my life is spent in silence of those things I see around me and of loved ones. It is a burden to others to know even when they think that they want to know. And, it is a burden for me to carry those things even when I surrender. For a lifetime this “knowing” had been denied. A year or so ago I decided to just allow it. It has been a challenge in many levels to have direct contact from Spirit and guides. It isn’t for everyone to understand. Depending on your beliefs and background it can be described as evil. I never wanted to be judged for my intuition or discernment. I kept it quiet for a lifetime. And, here, now in this moment that intuition is what guides me to make the right choices. It is the connection with God and all that is good.
Being down on my knees, holding God’s hands, I know this chapter with my daughter and granddaughter is far from over. I have this baby in my care. She is bringing so much joy and love into my life. I fell in love with her the moment our eyes locked. It was instantaneous. Soul to soul opened a path. And, here she is pushing and pulling love from so many around her. But, my daughter is not. She is in need of prayers, help and severe medical care at this point. She’s not and will not think things in a rational manner. How does one pick and choose what the path will lead into when mental illness dictates the journey? I don’t know. I seem to know even less every day.
I used to think that if you carried an open heart it was the gateway to Divinity. I used to think if you showed kindness and compassion onto another that it would open up a tunnel into the holographic universe of hope. I have always thought of myself as a level headed yet stubborn student. Each lesson that has appeared has shown up at the precise moment needed to force growth into the evolution of my spirit. Those things that were of certainty mean little to me right now. Thoughts and emotions flow simultaneously. My job is to allow them. I am human. It is a constant battle of ego and spirit. Each day I am learning to move with Spirit. Divinity is never wrong!
My wisdom at times falls short of sufficiency. I surrender. When those close to me witness the shut down things are taken personally. I am trying to stay afloat while truly moving inward. There is little else to do. Fear has taken residency at times. Then the hands of God reach down again to pull me down to the floor, reassuring me that I am not alone here. My wonderful support group is here for me. I am not a victim of these circumstances. I am a bystander of the mess made by mental illness and lack of mental capabilities. My daughter is who she is and has always been. I love her more today than I did yesterday. I am exhausted with the knowing that this won’t end well for her. And in that knowing my equilibrium is unbalanced at times. My mind swirls into chaos for several moments. Tears spill outward and then I am new. It happens frequently until the Divine hands me a smile from a baby, a touch from my lover, a concern conversation from a friend, and the wisdom to know that this too shall pass…until the next time.
“God had brought me to my knees and made me acknowledge my own nothingness, and out of that knowledge I had been reborn. I was no longer the centre of my life and therefore I could see God in everything.” – Bede Griffiths