I lay on the exam table of a sterile beige room counting the little holes on the ceiling. They mimic a beach full of sand. The waiting on a doctor to come and check intimate parts is always daunting. I close my eyes believing (truly acknowledging) that the lump on my right breast is nothing of concern. It hurts. It’s tender. I know after a 20 years of breast issues that this is a good sign. I know as I lay counting the spaces between lights and false ceiling that the doctor will agree and just send me on my merry way. I return to that feeling of being on a beach as I breathe deeply….
She enters, always cheerfully asking about my retreat center. Once a year I come see her and she is fascinated with the story of two best friends buying an old motel in the middle of nowhere on a whim. We have a few Q&A’s, share pleasantries, and then down to business. She always asks about my breast reduction of 19 years ago. Always admires the surgery even though I feel they need some major overhaul by now. I take her word about the minimal scars since she is a professional in this field. I have few folks to compare my tatas to so I smile and give her the same answer year after year. I don’t think much of my boobs and how they are enjoying moving south…not just for the winter. They are searching for permanent housing closer to the Equator.
“You have another lump on your other breast. Do you know this?” She asks as she presses on my tender mount.
“I did not! But I am sure it’s nothing. I didn’t come here for that breast.” I stare at the beach-like ceiling smiling at myself.
“When did you find the lump on the right one?”
“I don’t know…a while ago…a month or so. I didn’t think it was anything of concern. I was willing it to leave and disappear as I have for years. You know this isn’t my first rodeo, Doc! I know how this works. I am not going to make a big deal. It’s allergies!”
She smiles. My answer to every ailment that appears in my way is that it’s allergies. She knows my theories on medicine and my passion for holistic modalities. She believes that they need a marriage of balance in our health system. She gets no argument from me. She sits me up, grabs her tiny rolling chair and comes closer to me. She gives me a speech about how low my blood pressure is and how I should delete caffeine and chocolate to avoid the issues with my cystic breast “challenges” (she does the air quotes because of my refusal to use another word to express disease or whatever modern medicine will call these issues). I agree and even though I’ve reduced the amount of caffeine and chocolate I will continue to live believing that stress is the major cause of the body’s ailments. What we resist will persist through body issues, purging and attacking whatever it needs in order to get our attention. I don’t dive into the whole idea of accepting a disease…mind over matter seems more logical to me. She continues to discuss the list of alcohol, fatty foods, etc. I joke and tell her that she’s “killing me and soon will tell me to lay off the Hallmark channel cause it’s bad for me.” There’s got to be a stop to the madness!
I understand why I have this small challenge right now. Once I touch upon the issues with “worth” I will return to the equilibrium of life. I haven’t had breast issues in six years since I left my ex, a stressful business, and made radical changes in life choices. My life, as she knows it from having been in the hospital in January, has had a lot of changes in a very short time. My imbalance has little to do with dietary needs as it does with a journey of modifications. My plans have had rude awakenings…but, that’s not here or there. No one wants to find a lump on their body. And, no one wants to hear that they have one they had not found. My body is not a scavenger hunt. I have little time to be playing peek-a-boo with my tatas as I would rather play that game with my granddaughter in the evenings while she laughs and blows kisses.
A mammogram will show that I have nothing but the temperamental stubbornness of a unicorn-rainbow-rider warrior failing to see the truth of heartache. My fine fairyland will return within this awareness and conscious acceptance of future transformations. This new obstacle is just a way to stop, reflect, and start getting rid of more toxic waste in life. I get it! I also understand why it has showed up PRECISELY now. I know my body better than anything else. I understand that ignoring its attention-seeking behavior is never wise. Dodging its whispers has landed me on this visit. Now it is screaming, “PAY ATTENTION!” We all know the difference between the gentle whispers and the horrifying screams. Unfortunately we don’t always do gentleness.
I left the doctor’s office with clarity. In a week all this will be over. There are things that need addressing in my life. I’ve been too preoccupied and too tired to face them. I have put my guard down with other issues that required instant response. These “bumps” on the road are huge to my emotional body. My spiritual body has found a voice today. It’s all good. Divine wisdom is here to let me explore those things that I have avoided, ignored, and neglected. For now, saving the Tatas is my first priority and after that I can get back on my unicorn and ride off to Joyland…!