Sylvia Plath wrote, “There are times when a feeling of expectancy comes to me, as if something is there, beneath the surface of my understanding, waiting for me to grasp it. It is the same tantalizing sensation when you almost remember a name, but don’t quite reach it.” Lately I’ve been feeling this restlessness. There is urgency for anticipation of sorts like the dessert waits for the rain, or the end of winter calls onto spring. I sit in meditation allowing for the expectancy of the unknown. I move through my days writing, keeping busy or just doing nothing as my body calls for it. I feel fortunate for this month. Sometimes I am at a loss between spaces and time elements. Then as I continue with awareness I find my soul childishly becoming very impatient with itself.
As a young child I used to play alone a lot. I entertained myself for hours. When I was among others and had to sit for long periods of time my legs would shake. Even in school I would shake the desk while working. I was restless in my own space. I craved movement, travel and change of scenery. This has been a constant struggle in my life. I find myself always in situations where I cannot just pick up and go and I enter a place of erratic motion through lack of sleep, a constant search to do something, and the unwillingness to let go of this hyper sensitive knowing that everything is going to be okay if I just sit long enough to accept it.
As I write this I am aware that my legs are shaking up and down. It is humorous to catch myself still running while sitting. I am the first to tell others to relax, to chill and to learn to do nothing. I move into writing and can’t get passed the walls of emotions and insecurities. I return to sit and watch nature to then decide I should be writing and it’s a vicious circle of restlessness. Things are on the tip of my mind and I can’t claim the thoughts. It’s horrific at times, scary beyond words to know that so much lives on without my awareness. But it does. And, it’s good that it does. It’s healthy that my consciousness takes me here and there in moments that I, the ego being, cannot reach.
I cannot blame the past few weeks of Mercury retrograde on this impatience and exasperated emotions of self. These past three weeks perhaps have been intensified by the cosmos but I rather accept that things come up when they are ready to be accepted, explored and released. It’s really that simple! They show up and we must sit with them, visit with them while allowing for their impossible short time in our presence. Like an unwelcomed guests they have their moment of drama and then they leave. Nothing lasts forever.
The disgruntled occasions of not being able to finish my books aid in reaching other things inside. Winter is always about moving inward. I am a hermit at heart. I have no problem disconnecting from the world, sometimes way too easily. Luckily my friends and loved ones know this and allow for those weeks of retreat several times a year. I make no excuses for who I am.
I am in the “I-don’t-know-what-tomorrow-will-bring” stage. I am rarely here as I have always been a woman of goals. I have always known what I wanted and how to achieve those things. But, I am at a loss these days. It is truly a disturbing presence to be alone with this ache for something that I can’t grasp or name as I surrender to it. I believe the Divine has me here for a reason so I must acquire patience and tolerance with me and keep moving forward through signs ahead. The state of limbo is not forever and while I am here I can rely on Spirit for guidance. I must believe that this restlessness will push me forward into something magical and progressive. When we are stuck without discomfort we choose to stay there. It is in times like this that I know the unknown takes me places.
I wish you peace, love and light….until next time!