I have a daughter who is 27 years old. She arrived into my life at almost 12 years of age from Romania. She was set in her ways, a blank canvas to me since there was a huge language barrier between us. She arrived into a home and family that lived by structure. She had no choice but to adhere to the public school system and all the rules in school and at home. But what happens to someone who is entering puberty and has a life changing event? What happens to the past and where do you place it? How does one “fit” into this new atmosphere, geography and ethnicity? How many secrets condemn you and break your trust in others? When she was 18 she was going to harm me and her siblings and I had to institutionalize her. Those weeks (and what followed) nine years ago were one of the most difficult ones of my stories. She and I have never been the same. Even though she was in the hospital for 3 weeks it wasn’t enough. She stopped taking the medicine and never received further help for her disorders.
We rarely communicate but not a day goes by that I don’t pray for her, send her love and ask God to give her guidance for her and her children. A troubled fragmented mind can’t see things for what they were. She has felt betrayed and unloved. She has felt her siblings pushed her away. I can’t speak for them but I know that when you have played with the Devil it’s hard to get back to Divine normalcy and accept someone who is still living in that playground. They speak of her as if it was a horror film as they share stories of events, multiple personalities, and Devil worshipping. I explain and ask them to let it go. They all have their own thought processing. They all have their reasons for holding on to the dangerous moments of the past. In time I hope they make peace with it all.
How does one move on through life’s events when the faith in humanity gets tested? I believe through love, forgiveness and letting go. I have reached out to her on several occasions and have been returned with a reminder to not enter that space of having her near me. “She is dangerous!” I hear this constantly in my spirit. “Wherever she is at continue to send her light and love.” And, I hear it loud and clear. But as a mother, thoughts come and go because I want to help her as any mother would. This is our job to protect the ones we love but we cannot take on the world with someone who is not willing to receive the help. She refuses to see a professional or get assistance of any kind. She has no idea she’s mentally ill. She can’t see it and won’t receive any help unless it is money. She lives in an inconceivable amount of darkness that my light cannot reach. And unfortunately she attracts those like her as well.
I rarely share the stories of my children. They are my chapters filled with pages of love, lessons, and experiences. They have gone through childhood, puberty, adolescence, and adulthood. My children are precious, every single one of them. And, for whatever reason my soul attracts the fractured, hurt and destitute. Now years later I understand that of all my children she was the one who taught me about faith. There were nights that the heavy energy in my house was so dense that all I could do was sit on the floor in the dark and pray. I worried about my other children, I worried about myself, and I worried about things most people don’t ever have to think about. We were exposed to spiritual warfare on a daily basis. Where there is light there is also darkness trying to extinguish it. In those days I would walk around with a Bible and she would mumble laughing that “it wasn’t going to save me.”
But, just like that things come to head and we are all asked to love and forgive. We are asked to feel compassion for the ones who have not seen light, and those who entertain the darkest forces possible. I witnessed dark and light every day and it helped me open up to the many realms around us. My heart learned to love even deeper because of her. My soul learned to forgive even faster because of her as well. She was the epitome of opposites in a house full with gifts of love. She rejected love, grace, God and compassion.
Remember that when you love it is for you. You love because it feels like you are part of the world. You forgive for you as well. You feel the weight of darkness being removed. We choose our thoughts and our experiences. How we re-think those moments in the past determines if we are paralyzed or free in the future. We all have similar stories of unimaginable acts that would make for a Lifetime channel mini-series. But those are not the things that stay with us. What should stay with us are the lessons learned and the moments of joy. My daughter is gorgeous and she is a child of the Divine. Whether or not she takes the light into her soul is not important because we all have duality. I have enough love to send her to make up for the dark she sees in the world.
We are all connected. How you think of me becomes a reflection of you and vice versa. Think love, freedom, grace, hope, faith, and all the goodness there is in each one of us. Because when we begin to focus on the negative or the darkness we are left with anger, resentment, fear and hatred. It’s not worth housing those in the mind, body or spirit. Say the words, “I love you and I forgive you” to yourself and let those words transport themselves into the world. I feel you. I love you. We got this! You are not alone in your process even though you feel that your stories are too much to bear. Let them go! Mucho love!