I have struggled with finishing a memoir. It has sucked me dry at times, made me sick, and brought up many things that needed closure. That’s what happens when we take into account our stories without detaching. We all need closure. Writing this particular book has been about seeing the way I have tenaciously made it through trials and tribulations. I have been able to hold myself accountable for mistakes and successes. Heck, it’s called Life. We all have these stories with completely different subjects. It’s wonderful! Today I was reminded why I write, why I must finish this book (for myself) and why it has been important to go through it. The book has been my teacher and my therapist with each blood curling paragraph of past reality.
My friend, Aubrey, and I visited this afternoon. He came by and we sat on the dock on the first day of spring. It’s magical today. It’s been a perfect day. We shared our writing projects. Aubrey is a phenomenal author, consequently last night we went to watch a play he wrote over 30 years ago. To witness the birthing of his work with actors reciting his words…well I was giddy, joyous, and awe-stricken. As we sat, sharing the process of a novel he needs to finish and my memoir, things came to light. This is the reason we need writing groups and support. Writers get inside their heads twisting and turning out in the deepest waters. Every so often we need someone to throw a life jacket to bring us back to shore. We get deep into our emotions and forget the world exists. Writing a book is very different from writing a post or blog because it requires a tenacious dedication to finish a lengthy process of a subject. I love writing my blogs. I am in and out in a short time…until the next subject. But, writing this memoir requires consistency and discipline for the long haul. It feels like the never-ending story. Just when I think it’s done… it’s not!
My friend has read this book. He says it’s powerful. Whether or not it is is not important. It’s been a catalyst to me and for me. I have found myself perceiving things in my life that I had not addressed. It’s been therapeutic. I wish I had been braver a few years back to write it then. But I know that it’s being created exactly at the perfect timing because that’s how things work out. Aubrey asked, “What have you learned through this process? What is stopping you? It’s okay to let things go and then return. That’s the process of a writer….” Then out of nowhere he said a statement that has lit a fire again in my desire to finish, “The gift of being erased is that you get to draw yourself as you see yourself.” My memoir is about my memory being erased and returning to a life I didn’t recall. How I lived through the moments of not recognizing any of my children, my mate, and everything else that was not the life I had fourteen years before that moment. It’s about acknowledging the way others discarded my feelings and how I lived. It’s the truth of depth in feelings and how I have learned to love me through all the parts that have been erased and then remembered. His statement speaks volumes to anyone who has forgotten to place the self before any thing or anyone.
How do we perceive ourselves? Does perception change throughout the years? How can we learn through events and then detach without judgment? Do the stories we tell and retell change the truth or just add to the perception of who we are? Oh, the amount of questions that have come up! It’s funny because recently I asked my guidance why I should finish with this story. Then Spirit aligns someone else to enter my space and remind me why I need to write it for me. That’s how the Divine works when we need to heal. Others are used as cheerleaders and teachers so that we can move through the moments. A writer understands the madness and process. Ernest Hemingway wrote, “All you have to do is write one true sentence. Write the truest sentence that you know.” And with this I plan on writing many true sentences that will allow me to release and learn from the experiences. Perception has shifted yet again. It’s required the constant acknowledgment of consciousness and acceptance. How AWEsome is that!!!