The past thirty days of my birthday month have been like no other. It is said that it takes 30 days to break a habit. It is 30 days of continuous repetition that changes a mental form. I took on a challenge this month. I decided to love myself in a way that I have never done before. Starting on April 1st I stood in front of a mirror and said to my soul, staring into my brown eyes, “I love you, darling. I love you for what you are and for all that you have become.” Then I would stand there for a bit waiting for the back talk of ego. The first five or so days were unbearable. I would immediately get something negative, “How can you love this body, middle aged and out of shape?” Other days it would just stay quiet until there was no more backtalk. Then on the second week of self talk in the mirror I began to truly feel the love from my spirit. “Thank you!” It would whisper, “And, I love you.” At first this was a silly experiment and now after 30 days it has become a necessity. “I LOVE YOU! You are magnificent.”
My eyes have begun to change. I cannot explain this phenomenon. I don’t think anyone else notices. My skin has lightened up. My stomach has released some of its weight. My breasts seem to feel safe with all its scars from years of mutilation because of reductions and biopsies. My thighs seem to jiggle a little less. My intestines have released toxins from years of holding onto crap. My hands have transformed into strength with less nudges of pain from morning arthritis. My soul is in a place of love. Thirty days of truly giving it love without doing anything but providing a safe haven to do so every morning has allowed me to witness how self-abuse becomes a habit. We abuse spirit with the things others have instilled in us to believe. But, NO MORE!
This past month I have done something different every single day: I had a pinup photo shoot outside by waterfalls, ate some delicious food I’ve never tasted before, met strangers who became invaluable friends, moved my daughter to her own place, took different roads leading into the most precious mystical spots, attended a friend’s dramatic play, visited friends’ parents at hospitals, put our retreat center for sale, cleaned out things I have never done before this time, my fiancé and I have had nerf gun wars wearing Star Wars helmets throughout our home, I went to another friend’s movie premier, got fairy hair extensions in bright sparkling colors, had a group of friends who expanded my consciousness and awareness through deep conversations about the cosmos, and so much more (too much to list at this time). One of my highlights this month was taking a friend to her first Starbucks outing and witnessing the expression of joy while drinking her first frappuccino (her reaction was priceless. It left me with tears of gratitude for allowing me to witness the AHA moment through new eyes of love and appreciation). It’s the simple things we overlook. It’s those acts of kindness that bring energy back into our souls. I have had many friends and loved ones just show up with the perfect messages that have allowed me to experience serendipity.
During all this time my morning ritual allowed me to see what others have seen, or have never seen before. I am valuable. I matter. I am important. I am perfect in my imperfections. I have seen God staring through these eyes. I have been part of something mystical and omnipotent. I have seen the creation of life evolve through my reflection and how vital it is to truly love the self. I have been truthful and authentic with every part of me while declaring the things I will accept and releasing those I will no longer tolerate. I have new stories replacing old paradigms. It shouldn’t take 47 years for this. It should be something we immediately do the moment we begin the awareness of our thoughts from early childhood. Just like meditation these self talks should be taught by our elders. It’s time we begin shifting awareness to our children, grandchildren, nieces and nephews, and friends.
We are constantly trying to experience love with others, waiting for another to value us, but it starts with the self. If you don’t see your worth no one else will ever see it either. This morning as I finished brushing my teeth and I had the sweet talk with myself, I noticed how in spite of being under the weather with allergies, I have nurtured me and broken the toxic pattern of listening to the voices from the past determine who I am. I have loved me deeply. I have given me the first and foremost priority in thirty days (in my life). I have celebrated my right to be here on this magnificent journey. It has been a delicious month. It’s lasted longer than any other birthday month because I have been fully present with me while loving every inch of my human and spiritual bodies.
May you find the courage to look into your soul and love the one and only you there is on this planet. I hope you gift yourself the experience of truly seeing what joy and love look like through your eyes. You will find grace, beauty, patience, understanding, forgiveness, and most of all the power to truly love all that you are. It’s magical. It’s divinity. And, it’s all you, baby!!!