There has been some intense vibrational energy moving on overdrive the past few days. I have felt dizzy, nauseated, one minute hot and the next with chills. I’ve had a low fever at times while experiencing the in’s and out’s of time. The challenge has been in keeping track of my day. I don’t know how I would have done it had Matt not taken care of the baby all weekend. He left with her Sunday for a few hours so I could sleep. I was awake and then I was not. Same throughout the night.
A little while ago I took a salt bath with lavender. I am now sweating whatever has been activated. I haven’t had any alcohol since I began the Prozac over a month ago. The best thing I have ever done was rid myself of the occasional wine. And, once we sell this place the anti-depressant will be in the garbage. This is all well and great while going through the process of eliminating and shifting. It’s a band-aid over a wound that needs healing. Eventually I need to let it breathe. I am all for medication as long as I understand it isn’t going to fix the end result. It is aiding me in getting back to my truth. No one can know what goes on in another’s soul. I believe help arrives in many different ways. There’s no need for judgment.
A week after I began taking the pills I was in the French Broad River with friends white-water rafting. In the middle of paddling and being instructed…”one, two…” I heard nothing. The voice in my head had somehow stopped. I felt that sense of being outside of me. Finally the medicine hit me and out in the wilderness of the unknown. What a metaphor! It’s one of those things that was so apparent that I had to pep talk myself to the edge of the river to get off and come back into me. The anxiety was gone. It was as if someone took my head out of my ass and I was breathing normally again. I was able to see and hear and enjoy the river without having to control the thoughts. I had been on such a tremendous panic mode for so long that I didn’t realize how sick I had become. For the rest of the day I got quieter. Friends asked if I was okay. I couldn’t really say what I was and I was not ready to share that I was taking medicine. I was feeling the release of everything that had me so tightly held inside while being on that gorgeous river. With each dip and level I was able to find Millie again…the level-headed woman who can focus. I found love for me through the scenery of nature.
Anxiety is born from fear of the unknown. The need to control a situation begins to escalate and before you realize it your world spins out of orbit. It’s not an emotion I do well. I used to live like that but I had not for a long time. What it created was the injustice and unfairness of not following my spiritual truth. No, the pills don’t bring me spirituality. My spirit, my essence, my knowing bring me back to spirituality. My authentic truth is regained through the process of eliminating the fears of what will be, what might happen, and what can I do. The only thing I can do right now is heal. There is room to breathe. Depression, sadness, anxiety and the weakening of mentality is a HUGE cry for change. I am glad that for the third time in my life I have said, “Okay, I can’t do this alone. I need something to help me get pass this event.” Each time after a few months I recharge and find my center. I am not a good pill taker. I am not consistent with anything but love and my spiritual practice.
Since Friday afternoon there has been energy in vortexes outside. I have opted to stay indoors. I can hear the expansion of something happening. Old paradigms get activated when we try to rationalize what is going on. So I don’t. I move through forgiving myself for anything that has caused me discomfort…for allowing the ego to take the wheel. My mind and spiritual body know better. I forget at times. When it doesn’t feel right I continue allowing and honoring my spirit by staying quietly in my room. Whatever was passing through cosmically seems to be ending. This is the gift of an empath…the knowing that everything passes with time. I don’t feel the buzzing of intense energy vibrating at a totally different rhythm. I feel me again. I have sweated and purged so much in the past three days: emotionally and physically. I have prayed, meditated and listened to fantastic Chakra music. I have allowed Spirit to guide me through this small retreat. I have released what had been suffocating and strangling within the cellular levels of my knowing. I know the answers to me. I am finally able to revisit the calmness. It’s not a pretty sight to go through crap without really knowing how it will show up at the end. I cannot verbalize what I don’t understand while moving through the healing. I need the space alone to do so. Luckily, I have folks who understand this about me. I am blessed.
Last night before I finally fell asleep I asked consciousness to get rid of anything that isn’t for my highest calling. I have been releasing ever since. We forget that we have the power to demand our bodies to heal. We have the knowledge and the know-how but refuse ourselves the decency to feel the strength inside of us. We forget. We forget that we are God, divine wisdom, spiritual beings in human form. We need reminding every so often. I have to give myself a pep talk every so often to remind me that I hold the key to my life: health, abundance, growth, body, mind…everything. I got this! And, like me, you have the answers to all you need! You are not alone in this journey…there are many of us weaving the fabric of humanity to change! It’s magical…it’s Godly…it’s us!