While on vacation a few weeks ago I had several moments of huge awareness and acceptance (sometimes those things are exhausting and at other times they are “AHA moments” that finally clear old beliefs from the heart). The first day when we arrived at the beach there were folks getting ready for a wedding. Everyone was wearing white. There was no distinction between colors or races. They all looked like heavenly angels, barefooted, walking the path to the altar on the sand. The scenery looked like something from a cheesy movie on the Hallmark Channel (so of course I was in heaven)!
I was moved, not just by this divine vision but also because we were in the midst of first times: first time that our baby would see the ocean, the first time my love and I would see it together, the first time that we had gone on vacation…and the first time I realized the sacredness of a gathering to celebrate the union of two souls. I had not stepped outside of my commitment phobia, ever, to accept this the way I embraced it at that moment while the rain gathered right there in the backdrop reminding me of how the winds of change are always in the distance. I saw the magic and mysticism in all those who were participating in this wedding. I had not understood a few things as I walked through the portal of so much love and acceptance. Sometimes awareness takes a lifetime. Sometimes it happens in the simplest moments of quietude. I love love. I love everything corny and romantic. This wedding did not have it like one would think looking at the scenery…it was much deeper. Perhaps it was just me that had gone to the depth of the ocean and I embraced it. It’s been a long time coming.
A few days after returning home I received an email from a dear old friend who has known me for the larger part of my life. In that email I was transformed in letting go of the old belief system that had kept me in the past. I had been imprisoned to old behaviors and memories of past lovers. I hadn’t realized it until I returned from this vacation. I was freed into realizing that I can move into commitment even when I have been so scared to do so. Matt has won the battle with lots of issues in the past two and a half years. He has shown me time and time again that no matter what we are a team. No other past relationship showed this. No other relationship put me first. I was always at the end of the to-do list. It was a convenience rather than a priority. And, although I would excuse those past behaviors I also allowed those old programming thoughts to partake in this beautiful union. I kept thinking of that beach scene and all those beautiful spirits surrounding this moment as my lover and I walked our child to the shore.
It has been 2-1/2 years of constant learning and loving and searching for the core of unity. Matt and I respect one another. We laugh louder and deeper than I have in the past. I have allowed blocks to show up and find excuses for not settling down. He has been there to guide me in these ups and downs of an old phobia, abandonment issues, and the realization that I want no other to be there when I wake in the morning. I haven’t been legally married since I was 22. But, I have learned that the thing about life is that phobias and fears bring on something deeper. They desire the searching and processing of an inner root that needs pulling or it will follow till the end of days to come. So I’ve taken a few weeks to look at these issues. I have written, analyzed and broken cords that had me attached to old paradigms. I have taken a real look at the ugly parts as well as the beautiful ones making this polarity of my spiritual being exceptional. I consist of everyone of those things that push and pull to teach me to be human.
Finally Matt and I decided that there was no time like the present. We’ve tried the wedding ceremony before and we both didn’t handle it well. We felt stressed and pressured. But now with a few years in between we embrace this surfing of union in an ocean of true love and acceptance. Life has changed drastically for the both of us. After having raised six children and finding my forties as a point of beginning a life for me the powers of BE decided that this man and a baby would be the ones guiding me into middle age. We are in the process of adopting our little girl together. I cannot imagine anyone else to spend my life with and all its geekiness, corniness, playing, joking, sarcasm, intelligence, and intimacy. I cannot imagine anyone ever loving this baby girl the way he does and continues to win my heart. We compliment each other because how else could you explain a spiritual-peace-loving hippie with a warrior-gaming-geeky nerd? You can’t! You can only understand that underneath it all there is such awareness of BEING and ALLOWING. He always says when I am ready to stop or quit something, “That’s quitter talk and it’s unacceptable!” I need someone who calls me up on my crap. He’s totally there for that! I expect nothing less. He allows me to roam free and be wild in my thoughts and beliefs and this is something foreign to me.
On that beach day as we were leaving the bride-to-be passed us on the boardwalk. She was splendidly gorgeous. I said, “You are a stunning bride. Exquisitely beautiful. Congratulations!” She was so present that she stopped as folks waited for her arrival, holding the bottom of her dress in her hands, “Thank you. You are very kind.” Her smile lit the darkened skies. And off she went. She was in the complete moment of NOW. I got in the car and contemplated that moment. I whispered to the inner child, “I’m ready!” She whispered back, “About time!”
Today I was in the complete moment of NOW realizing I am just as exquisite as that bride. I stood in front of a beautiful man and gave my soul, my promise and my vows to be his wife. To my beloved husband, “I vow to love and cherish you for the rest of my life. I vow never to go to bed angry; to continue to tickle you whenever I please; and give you a smile when you need one. I vow to pull you out of a funk, to kiss you with depth and tell you how much I appreciate you every day. I promise to let you raise my IQ as long as you let me lower yours at times. It isn’t healthy living with so many digits in that brain. You are my best friend, my partner, my lover, my confidant, my teacher and most of all my protector. Thank you for allowing me to be part of your life. I am forever grateful to the universal forces that brought us together on a beautiful spring day in a little coffee shop in the mountains. I love you, Matt.