I sat outside watching the snow fall yesterday for a while. Its silence, serenity and movement mesmerized me. It has been one of those fluffy thick snowfalls that leave an imagery of fairy tales in the forest. For so long I hated the snow. I was traumatized by the destruction it left on my first year in the mountains: pipes froze, no money, didn’t know a single soul in this place, no water, and the desire to run back home while feeling defeated was overwhelming. Now, four winters later I watch this marvelous tranquility in awe of how it transforms the land and how it has deeply touched the core of me.
Snow erases all borders and discriminating lines. It isn’t just the whiteness but the abundance of calmness and purity: dips, valleys, mountains, edges, and everything it touches vanishes into a blank screen. I am reminded of my near death experience almost a month ago: the whiteness, equanimity, safety, embrace of divinity engulfing my soul. Yet, I returned to this world. I smile as I become fully aware of this last statement!
Just like the land with the snow, the essence requires some intergrading. I am still me. I still have all my quirks, silliness, sarcasm, and personality traits. But, something has changed in my spirit. The purpose of my survival has been diminished. Everything is white. There are no edges, radical falls, or fearful drops in the fabric of my being. I can sit for a long time and marvel at things. The anxiety of rush and uncertainty has been erased and somewhere in all that whiteness I am trying to distinguish a purpose for my return. The evolution of me has drastically changed and finding myself in the middle of all this whiteness reminds me of something I can’t grasp. I understand there is no need to know but this “reprogramming” is sometimes dictated by the ego that makes me human.
The all-knowing of “things” that drove me bonkers has been placed in a proper place. Space and time don’t seem to exist only when I am due for an appointment or want to watch a television show. I am somehow being suspended in mysticism and being around too many people tarnishes that peace. Incorporating the experience with the whiteness of it all seems to leave a sense of displacement at times. Why did I have to return? As much as I love my life, family, friends and mate, something back there in that “other realm” is pure light and omnipotence. I now have dreams of this place. I relate to things in a way I can’t find words to describe. I am here. The body, mind and spirit are here fully conscious of the gift in this lifetime. But…there is definitely a huge “but”…how do I move forward without losing myself in the soft snow of it all?
As I write this I sit on my sofa, blinds opened, watching the covering of pureness throughout the property. It is absolutely beautiful. The sky is white, the pond has a gray tint to it and colors have disappeared from this mountain. We are all the same. There is no distinction between what the mind labels and what is present. This is the divine state of being. This is as close to near death you can get without leaving the world. The sound of silence is spectacularly dramatic. I stare outwards knowing I have touched this somewhere and have returned for whatever reason. I am okay. I keep reminded myself when I am among others that I am fine. The touch of a friend, the embrace from my lover, the lick on my fingers from my cat, the kisses from my daughter all bring me back to this moment. Things have slowed down significantly and I can’t handle the rattling of anyone trying to force the moment to move quickly.
I have entered another phase of my life. I don’t quite know where it will take me. It really doesn’t matter. This displacement is part of the lesson. We are all snowflakes individually falling to oneness. There is no need to ask permission for the existence, or give reasons for the fall. We are here to live. I have been provided with priceless gifts. I am grateful for them all. And you, there, reading this has joined me on this journey as well. Thank you! I see the light in you and our connection to each other. Have a magical day.