Finally having settled into a new home, I feel the nudges of dreams rattling me up with excitement. It’s been months since I could figure out what I am to do with this new chapter of my life. Closing down the retreat center was also shutting down many aspirations until a few days ago when I realized that the experience catapult me into the place I am now: a new dawn of mysticism.
I understand what it is to put up a front. I also understand what it feels like to know there’s something more to the present circumstances when life seems to be dragging you down. I am very good at hiding hurt for a long time. I shove disappointments into some chamber in my heart. I allow for things to settle and then…I open the chamber and sit with those emotions until I am spent. This is where decisions of truth come out and dictate what is best for me. Until I am ready to clean out and make peace I choose not to make major decisions. One bad day does not constitute a bad life. One bad year does not create a bad future. It is through vulnerability and nakedness that power is born. We have no choice but to go up and about while releasing those things through self-forgiveness. You cannot blame another for the choices you make. I participate in every action and reaction of my life. This period of time with uncertainty has finally concluded. I feel change knocking at the door and it feels good. I have forgotten to just breathe and let go. I have been holding my breath for so long that my insides feel stale at times. And, that’s the thing, somehow we forget to surrender. We forget that this moment will pass and that it’s all an illusion. Emotions are tangible equations that can hurt or enhance. It’s all in how you use them.
When we are in a depression, embraced by anger and disappointments, we forget to just let go completely. It’s easier to hold on to what you know. Familiarity seems comfortable but it isn’t. Often times we don’t allow ourselves the break of just being. Things will work out. They always do, with or without our acknowledgment. We all struggle through these economic times, personal losses, and the hardships of parenthood and adulthood. Many of us have to be stripped of everything materialistic in order to allow the ego to shut up. It is during drastic changes that souls rise to the occasion. We get an opportunity to witness strength and faith in character. We get to live by integrity while pulling on our truth to lead the way. We become vulnerable and available to Spirit for guidance. I have had several moments in the past eighteen months when I have doubted my own professional and personal path. “What am I doing here? What am I suppose to be doing? How can I contribute to my life? How can I live a purpose-passionate-driven life doing what I enjoy so much?” I have nothing but a million words…oh, the questions and answers move around in an infinite vortex. Then, through a shift in perception or move of location…the magic begins to happen. The veil lifts and I see all that is there for the taking. Nothing has changed except my attitude. Freedom is not a physical entity that appears like trying to exit a prison cell. Freedom is the acceptance of all that is happening and still choosing to move through with grace. It is about realizing that your perception created the prison cell. There are no bars but those you put around you to stop you from leaving the comfort zone.
This morning as I write from my desk while looking out to the beautiful creek, I feel gratitude. Change is never easy. Change requires trust. I am watching the icy grounds, the sun melting the droplets from the trees, and enjoying the quietness of a winter mountain morning. I am able to feel distance and closure without the ache that follows some days. I also know not to control or shut down those emotions when they rise. I have no plans at this very moment. I am cutting myself slack for the constant need to do something productive. I don’t have to know the answers to my life this very minute. I don’t have to know what will happen tomorrow. It’s in this nakedness of nothing and acceptance that I can enjoy today. It feels like it’s been forever since I have had a moment like this.
For the first time in months I am sleeping peacefully. I am falling asleep and staying in dreamland throughout the night. This new dawn brings with it freedom. It brings an awareness of allowance and manifesting. It holds nothing back. I am forever grateful for every single lesson that the retreat center brought to me. Every single person was a gift. Every moment of joy and sadness has been an instruction in the evolution of my character. The growth has been incredible. I am forever grateful for a dear friend who taught me so many powerful lessons. I am forever touched by the changes and the newness that pushed me right here, right now, and continue to show me the path. Even through the unlikely events that brought me here it’s been an honor to have lived 5-1/2 years in a sanctuary of mystical enhancements. I would not change a single moment of it’s humble teachings. My humility and humanness have been affected for life. The heart has opened up in miraculous ways while showing me authentic self.
Give yourself permission to not have all the answers. Give yourself the time to just be. Make time to meditate and reach the level of passion for the life you want. You have been placed on this earth for greatness…no matter what you do make it great. You are not here just to pay bills and die. You are here to glitter and shine while enriching your soul with love…and then transcending that joy unto another.