It was around 6:45 this morning that Kali and I sat down at the kitchen table. I had started to write an article before she got up. She wanted a snack. I got up to get it for her and when I returned my computer was locked on a different mode. It was sideways on Tablet mode. Her little hands still on the keyboard smiling. I sat her again in her high chair and began, in full blown desperation, to return to desktop (upright) mode. She ate her snack and I sat over the computer frustrated and wondering what to do. I sat there asking her what she did as she mumbled nothingness and giggling. I laugh now at the look the sight of me as I was asking her. What was she seeing? Was she amused at my erratic desperation of finding a quick fix? I remember her saying, “Breeeffff, Mama!” (Meaning, “Breath, old woman, this is not the end of the world.”)
I worked on it for over an hour, turning it off, asking questions on the internet (sideways) while she watched a show. I don’t do this technology shifting or malfunctioning well at all. Nothing frustrates me more than when I cannot get my computer to work right. I turn into someone I don’t recognize. Because I am pretty techie retarded I feel like it’s always worse than it really is. I kept thinking of work tomorrow and how I was going to write. I went into panic mode and I rarely do this…I didn’t recognize my own behavior. I stepped away from it, closed it up, praying that when my husband got up he would look at it. I was sure that it was something simple. There was no button for it. I couldn’t make it work. I was not able to make this moment work in my favor. I was on a side way track and it was all downhill from there.
I sat with her, as she coughed and snot ran down her face. She’s had a bit of a cold and I’ve had sinus issues. Once Matt got up I went to shower and in that moment of hot water hitting my back, I cried. I couldn’t believe I was so upset over a stupid thing. But I knew that the computer issue was the catalyst. I cried while holding on to the side tiles of the shower. The hot water continued to scold me. It is Mother’s Day. I don’t have my mother here. I don’t have all my kids. I don’t buy into this holiday. But, those in my past do, in different timelines do. In the past few years, my sisters and I have drifted apart. I’ve lost family members to death and to lack of communication. The more I accept my authentic truth the less they can understand my choices. I have always been the risk taker, the trailblazer, the one that never lived by strict rules, and here in my late 40’s, I realize I did too much for others to make them feel better. I am the hippie that they cannot relate with and to. And that also translates to being “irresponsible” while they have never taken chances in their lives. Whenever I shifted gears and changed my direction they judged and couldn’t comprehend my lifestyle. I stopped the toxic behaviors. In the process of self preservation and self-care I’ve lost many. Today on Mother’s Day I was reminded again of mile markers that make these holidays hurt for so many. These days turn us sideways and upside down.
And, yet…I knew within minutes of the release that the crying was healthy. I knew that breaking down was necessary. I knew that once the water was turned off my attitude would be changed. That’s the thing about accepting past memories. This is also the gift of spiritual growth and awareness. I am the most imperfect person I know. I accept it. I was turned sideways in a way that I had not done in a long while. I needed the little fingers of a 2 year old to cause such a drift within my own booting system that I would have little choice but to acknowledge the losses. The longer time passes the less I feel for my decisions. I am not one to regret what happens. I am one to continue moving forward regardless of what another expects from me for their own taking. I am done giving reasons for the choices I make. I have a very long threshold for tolerance. And, when I am done, I completely cut all ties. There is no warning. Just like the screen turning sideways, I also turn…into whatever my soul needs in order to survive.
My mother lived for holidays like today. I don’t. To me, this day is a commercialized sensation. I don’t care for anything that it stands for. I am a mother all year around. But, days like this bring up things that need addressing. They force us to shift and re-adjust our sails to keep drifting through life. I spent a few hours while we were out and about mentally aligning to my truth. The adulting business was eventually put on hold and I became quiet the rest of the afternoon. I needed to just be even with Kali and Matt.
The computer was fixed. It took my husband a minute. The rest of the day has been full of sweet messages. I’ve heard from many and feel blessed for these magical connections. We are forever changing…sideways, upward, downward, and onward. We are never the same after these small emotional episodes. We are forever evolving.
Don’t let one day play on your emotions. But, if it happens remember that you get to decide how you entertain those memories. You create your reality and perception. Let them come up and out. It’s perfectly natural to have releases. We return to our upright position after them. At the end of your life you will surely not remember these insignificant episodes. This is the mystical notion of living fully: you get to keep going without staying in a dark place all the time. Continue to surrender into the unknown.