Long ago in the midst of a horrible separation I wrote my ex a letter in Spanglish expressing how I felt during the many years of our union. In those days I took very little responsibility for what I brought into that relationship. It was easier to blame him for most of it. It was comforting to tell the stories of victimization and believe I had no handle in things. I am embarrassed to say that my ego was huge. It was arrogance and an unwillingness to take participation in the choices I had made. In this letter I expressed that Hope was a thing of the past. I, in full blown sarcasm, told him that Esperanza (which is Hope in Spanish) was an old woman living in Peru on some mountain, and that she didn’t live in our relationship anymore. Hope was not available. The blame from both of us was atrocious. It was disturbing how at one time we might have gotten the magic and then 18 years later it was nowhere to be found. Infidelities and other distrusting behaviors had sent “Esperanza” somewhere back to South America. Whether he got the sarcasm or read between the lines of so much hurt, is beyond me. I wrote the letter in Spanish and in parts that had no translation I stuck with English. At this point I could have used a billboard to express how I was feeling and it would not have mattered. We were past the point of reconciliation and respect. The he-said-she-said game was well-past due. The hurt was astronomical.
These days, years later, I try desperately to find grace and hope living in my heart. When I make a mistake I step back and try to take accountability for it. I am still human and ego is still very present. The only difference now is that I am grateful for the lessons that come my way. Esperanza has returned to my life. She lives deeply in the corners of my home, heart, and relationships. Esperanza had to disappear in order for me to learn those things that needed to be ingrained. The universe whispered a lot in those days. Then it would speak louder. Finally, when it would scream I was physically in danger. It took a lot of physical power to get me to listen. My tenacious and stubborn ways have been the biggest personality downfall. I am gentler with my spirit now.
The truth is that Hope never left my side. Hope was there when I signed over my half of the company to him; when I sold everything to leave my home; when I abandoned our beautiful house that took years to short sell and make zero on it; when I began living a life of authentic truth. Hope knew I would survive. Grace joined in and pushed me to strengthen my dignity and integrity. Hope didn’t disappear. It was actually there quietly waiting to be acknowledged. I began to forgive myself, and in the process forgave him for all that was done…because he did what he could under his capacity. He has his own stories. And, now we can talk and feel nothing but respect for one another.
Happiness and misery live simultaneously inside. They are a matter of choice and perception. Do you see hope in the distance? Do you see darkness around you all the time? To lose hope is to lose everything. And, in those moments it is when hope is truly present. It is an oxymoron. I thought I had lost my dear Esperanza, sending her off to some remote place. Hope was merely sitting and waiting for my presence. Once I was aware of the lessons, experiences, choices and journey everything fell back into alignment. I moved to North Carolina to live on top of a mountain which was always my dream. I have been able to strip self-worth issues, and live with the absence of blame on others. I am responsible only for me. My life has brought me here while Hope held my hand.
Where is Hope taking you? Who is holding all of your dreams and desires waiting on you to align with them? Be aware of your thoughts, illusions and reality. Feel the presence of love, compassion, forgiveness and truth. You are always in the care of the Divine!
“Hope is a waking dream.” – Aristotle