Every so often I am reminded that I need to sit down and just be with me. It’s not an easy task. I have a hard time sitting for more than an hour or two. Whenever I sit for long periods of time it is because I am mentally and physically exhausted. That’s it. I have no problem doing meditation and sitting still because it starts my day off in a sense of peace. This is a short period of time. But, force me to sit or lay down for a day or two and I want to come out of my skin.
Ah, the reminders of taking care of myself! My right foot has been swollen for days. It’s not broken. It’s something that happens to me every single time I am forced to stay still. I have avoided the keeping still until two days ago when I came home from work and the pain was shooting up my leg. I was forced to keep my leg up all day yesterday and part of today. The swelling has reduced significantly. What has appeared in its place is awareness of things I cannot continue to avoid. What has transcended is pure realizations of truth.
I was chatting with a dear friend and told her that this shows up periodically. She said it’s “ick.” I told her her it was ick, guck and muck and shit with k at the end. This whole processing and conscious awareness is not fun. I cannot take another step with pain. I cannot avoid it. Isn’t that how health issues appear? Aren’t they metaphysically created so we can deal with emotional blockages and spiritual awareness? I am not exempt from any of it. I have little patience when it comes to being ill, or having pain. I have a huge pain threshold so it has to be something that truly impedes me from moving…hence the foot.
Yesterday I spent the entire day between meditation, praying, and watching Orange Is The New Black (cause that of course is a highly spiritual show). But, hell it puts my life in perspective. It makes me feel grateful for being free and not having to be locked up with insane characters. And sometime in the afternoon this beautiful friend called me and she asked me how I was feeling and I broke down. The moment I released the bullshit about something that had nothing to do with the foot, the show, or my wonderful life, I felt the pain shoot up to my heart. There it was pure ickiness, muckiness, and guckiness. There it was all out ready to be purged from my spiritual body into the physical realm.
I hung up, returning to the show because nothing takes away self-reflection better than mindless television. It’s magical in that way. You want to avoid life? Turn on the tube and binge watch one of these silly shows. It does the trick.
This morning I woke depleted even after many hours of peaceful sleep. After my husband took our little girl to the sitters I turned over and fell back asleep. This, alone, is a sign of exhaustion. I don’t go back to sleep once I am up. But, today, just for a few hours my life was on hold. I became Sleeping Beauty. I needed to just be. I needed the shit around my head to disappear so I could get up later and write for the week. I needed to clear the crap and remember that one bad day doesn’t make a bad month. One crappy sprained foot doesn’t stop me from moving forward in a week. Nothing has changed. The pain is a reminder that I am to just be with me. I am to connect to me. I am to trust in me. The act of being still has been a teacher these past few days. I’ve moved from the ick, muck and guck into not feeling stuck. Those words with “K” at the end aren’t fun. I am not sick. I am healing from cosmic energy moving through. Awareness has been keen and present. I get it. And, now as I write this I am profoundly feeling better. I am wiggling my toes awaiting the moment I can go play in the creek again without feeling the sting of immobility.
Sometimes we need reminders of what needs to be done in order to move past the crap. When we avoid our emotions, our spiritual guidance, and physical ailments we do a great injustice to our spirit. It’s always okay. My friend said, “It’s okay to be with the ick.” It is okay to acknowledge the rough parts as well as the joyful ones. The lesson is mainly about not avoiding what’s already been trying to get the attention. For weeks I have been avoiding the voice of spiritual connection to something I have been dreaming for a while. I hesitate in each step. I have done everything possible to shut that part of me so I could concentrate on what’s ahead. The realization is that I move through spirit and I can’t avoid taking a step without guidance. What better way for the Universe to stop me than to help me see that I need to stop worrying about each step.
My favorite quote is by Martin Luther King, Jr., “Faith is taking the first step even when you don’t see the whole staircase.” It’s my favorite because I live it in the majority of this life. But, even with this knowing, I need reminders every so often.
Tomorrow is gonna be magical. I will be ready to step into the unknown without questioning what comes after. I am returning to Source as I am often reminded that it’s my power. I am a spiritual being vacating the human embodiment. And, here is clearly the most amazing journey that has been rigged in my favor. I am moving forward!