There are days that require more inner self-awareness than others. Some days demand acceptance and a higher state of consciousness to take the wheel. I recognize I am not in control. I can only continue showing up, day after day, to learn, experience, and travel towards the end of my last breath.
After only sleeping 3 hours last night, I decided to run towards yoga. I figured it would stretch and open up space for whatever is causing my lack of sleep the last few days. Sitting outside looking at the stars in the middle of the night isn’t working. Meditating relaxes me but it isn’t putting me into sleep. Deep breathing alongside our Great Dane isn’t helping either. “Yoga,” I thought, “Would do the trick to get through the crevices and gaps of my body that seem to have an inability to find a dream state.”
So, yoga it was! Because…I have some brilliant ideas every once in a while.
I am extremely open minded when it comes to people. I could care less what anyone wears, believes in, or how they express themselves as long as it’s not hurting me (or anyone around me). I am oblivious to my surroundings as I have learned to detach from all the energy around people. I, basically, stay in my own little world. Very few things can rattle me.
The class was full. I took my mat and placed it in the middle of the room in one of two spaces available. A sweet young yogi took the last open space right next to me. He was adorable. But, within minutes I became uncomfortable. I have a keen sense of smell. I am put into shock with certain scents or odors. I had to stop the gagging reflex. This smell was poignant and it took more than half the class for me to be in the moment. I even envisioned a huge flood of lavender and eucalyptus waves hovering around me. To no avail! I couldn’t concentrate or get comfortable for a long while.
Now, you must ask, “Why didn’t you get up and leave?”
I asked myself the same question a few times too. I tend to withhold space even in discomfort. It sucks at times, while other times it is priceless. I have a relentless tenacious gene. I knew there was a lesson in this situation. I felt the tears come up in anger for wanting a self-loving class where I could just relax and be.
This was the best thing that could have happened for my soul…today!
The entire discomfort obligated me to focus on letting go. I had to adjust and readjust by own internal senses, judgment, and find empathy. I had to cut through the bullshit of my moral compass and find compassion for every pose. I was forced to visit some things that I find intolerable and must address (cause I tend to put up and shut up sometimes for way too long). There were moments I held my breath until the pose changed. This caused so much heat in my body, that I began to feel light headed. I, also, felt that the one hour and fifteen minutes seemed to last three hours.
And, then something happened towards the end.
I no longer smelled the cutie pie next to me. I didn’t feel anything. I had opened up space for three women who are having some major issues. I was able to send light, love, and the extension of peace. My heart softened and opened up. I felt me again. I felt my muscles relax. My mind stopped reacting. I had to reach that inner peace, on my mat, before I could have provided it for anyone. It was a struggling time. It was ridiculously challenging for 75 minutes, or 4,500 seconds of my day. The moment I chose to zoom out of the room, into a higher state of consciousness, I felt the release of ego. And, a deep sigh escaped my body in a silent room….ahhhhh!
Life can be hard. Choose to shift perspective. Let things go. Why the hell do we resist the crap that comes up? Why do we stay, or why do we go? Why can’t we just dive into the discomfort and see where it takes us? We’ve been conditioned in our society to find quick fixes to replace the discomfort. This is why addiction is present in so many. We have been taught to survive and not exist. We avoid anything that puts a little inconvenience in our way.
I want to live. I want to exist. I want to not feel as if I am surviving another episode, circumstance or situation. I want to embrace the lessons and pray that the next one is sweet and delightful.
It doesn’t matter if it’s through silence, odors, sound, or the Ego chit chatting excessively in our heads. The universe will provide the most amazing opportunity, usually through a negative vehicle, in order for us to learn. It’s up to us to be selfless and find the deep awareness to recognize the invaluable lessons. Discomfort is the priceless teacher in the journey. Today you may find teachers in your path that will make you think and rethink who you are, what you believe, and the things you are no longer willing to tolerate and accept.
Allow for those teachers. Make space for them. Thank them.
When I was packing up, rolling up the mat, I bowed my head to the young yogi, smiled, and thanked him for participating in practice with me. He smiled, bowed and returned, “Namaste!”
My soul honors yours. I honor the place in you where the entire universe resides.
I am grateful for those souls who instruct me with their presence. I honor the divine light in them, the truth in us, and the ability to love freely. The universe has a way of providing everything we need when we are ready to accept.