I woke this morning with a sense of calmness. I slept over 12 hours last night. It’s been a long, long, long time that I have slept this hard and long.
For years I have been waking between 4:00 and 5:00 AM to do my meditations. Lately I have been beyond exhausted. I wake to move into the space of sacredness but find myself dreading the motions. This type of exhaustion is debilitating to me. I am the type of person that once I am up, I am up and running. I don’t know where the tiredness is coming from. Could it be almost 5 decades of inhabiting this existence through some incredibly magnificent lessons? Or, a toddler who is reminding me why people shouldn’t have kids in their forties? Or, is it just hormonal? Or, is it the constant negativity that surrounds the world, forcing me again to detach from social media and mainstream information? There are many questions that rise and fall at times. It really doesn’t matter why I am tired. What matters is that I continue to get up even when it feels uncomfortable, because my daily practice is the only thing that I find stabilizes chit chat and puts the ego in time out.
I have let go of so much in the past few years. My spiritual practice is not something I can live without, especially the early morning prayers and meditation. I can’t entertain the thought of not feeling embraced by Divinity every morning. But, how does one enter the world, day in and day out, feeling completely rested? I have forgotten what that feels like…until this morning. I want this everyday.
I recognize that I am harder on myself than any other living person. I am relentless in making sure I get my things done. I am somewhat unforgiving at times with how fast I want things to transpire. Patience is non existent in my gene pool. It’s horrible. I recognize this and I also know it is often followed by a brutal state of stubbornness. I am working on clearing them both. I am truly being conscious these days of how I interact with my impatience. Every time I light a candle I state my intention with Patience and Love. You would think after a life time I would have it down pat…nope! It is an ongoing process.
I can delete many things from my day. I am sure of it. I have taken a break from Facebook. I have stopped checking my emails every hour. I have detached from drama and anyone who likes to create it. I haven’t read a book in a long time (cause I can’t seem to concentrate long enough). I have made it a point to slow down even at the anger of others who want me to react quicker. I have to do what’s best for me. But, in this interpersonal retreat I’ve noticed that things aren’t going slower for me. They seem to be accelerating and I can’t catch my breath at times. I have to constantly return to mindfulness in my day and ask myself, “Is this worth me getting anxious over? Am I happy right now?”
It truly is about breaking old habits, programming, and expectations.
The answers disappoint me. I keep hearing the no’s a lot. AND, it’s in those whispering “noooo’s” that I have found my truth. Something in this exhaustion is allowing me to push through…into something more. I cannot continue to run around in circles.
I don’t have the answers …yet! But I believe that by stepping back I will. And, I am allowing Patience to sustain me while not giving into the deep restlessness.
Meantime, my spiritual practice will continue to serve as the loving and safe haven that it’s meant to be. I require the morning rituals even if it’s from my bed. I need the space of self-reflection and forgiveness for wanting to do so much in a 24-hour period. But, I am learning to stop the madness and insanity of doing so much that I am constantly in a state of exhaustion. Who is keeping taps on what gets done or not? NO ONE! (Remember this when you believe that your to-do list needs to be finished in one day).
At the end of the day, ask yourself these questions:
Was my soul satisfied with the mindless array of things accomplished on my to-do list?
Did I have fun today?
Did I laugh enough?
Could I have loved myself better?
Did I witness the sunrise, sunset or the birds?
What can I change for tomorrow so I can be more at ease with myself?
Give yourself a break. Give up the things, even if for a short time, that cause you anxiety. This type of anxiety is born from fear (whether it’s fear of not doing enough, or childhood voices saying you are lazy). This type of anxiety is a conditioning and programming from the past. It lacks self-compassion. It’s exhausting.
Let’s find a way to break it. Allow your essence to breathe in nature and life without the constant chit chat of electronics and others. Have a magnificent easy days, my friends! You deserve it…mucho love!