I have a family member who loves to call me and gossip about people I don’t even know. Whenever I don’t answer the phone, because I am at work or busy with life, she leaves me these long nasty messages that sound like someone in an insane asylum. Most of the time, when I do speak with her, I let her go on her one-sided conversation. There have been times that I just want to say, “Hold please! Let me buckle up as we are about to get on the bipolar expressway.” I sit there with the phone glued to my ear listening to ramblings that create a sense of anxiety for me….until recently when I stopped all communication.
Let’s be f*cking honest here! If someone is not raising your vibes to a loving and healthy standard, they really don’t need to be entertained. You can, amicably, speak with them. You can be gracious in loving them from a distance, but by no means do you need to own their toxic energy because no matter how hard you try to break their cycle of negativity it isn’t going to happen. I am reminded that you have no say in what another person is thinking or feeling. They have to figure that out on their own.
We are so ingrained to HAVE to be part of everyone’s life when it comes to family. But, you don’t. You can sit with that person and truly entertain them to the best of your ability and they still will not see the goodness or the help you are providing. And, this isn’t about being acknowledged. This is merely about being respected for your worth. There will always be naysayers, victims, master manipulators and martyrs. Archetypes are there for a reason. We get to choose how we act and react to their stories.
In my case, with this particular family member, I had to just write a letter after her last voice mail (about me going to hell for not calling her back) that basically pinpointed that I would not tolerate the disrespect any longer. If she couldn’t be in my life with love and support then it was better that she wasn’t. End of conversation.
Sometimes we come across folks who need to be heard. I am great with that. Now, when the same conversation keeps coming up over and over and they want you to drop everything to listen, you have be honest with them and yourself. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over while expecting a different result. I am not a saint and my patience gets in the way of being generous with my time when it isn’t reciprocated.
I have been in the middle of conversations when I have said something lighthearted and it has been offensive to another. I get told off. I have to step back and say, “Oh, okay! So this is where we are going with this. Yay. I am ready for the ride. Let’s get on the f*cking wagon of self-hatred, criticism and self-pity.” I have to be careful to keep my facial expressions in tact cause I might say nothing but my face has its own language.
You don’t have to partake in every argument, judgment, and decision another human has…even when they are your grown children, parents, siblings, family or friends. You don’t have to sit and agree. “No!” is a complete sentence. And, there are many other ways of deviating from the drama. The moment you get sucked into negativity and toxic forums you are dedicated to make a decision to stay or leave. You get to decide.
Many years ago I had a spiritual mother/friend who was in the hospital having hip surgery. I happened to call at a moment that a nurse was checking on her and they were getting her out of bed. The hospital phone rang and I believe the nurse thought she would pass it to my friend. Her response before even seeing who was on the line was, “Just because it rings, doesn’t mean you have to pick it up.” Until that very moment it never occurred to me in my 30’s that if the phone rang I could just ignore it; that if the doorbell rang I did not have to answer; or if someone expected me to do something that I could say “no!” I was programmed to be overly responsible and that moment taught me that you have a choice in everything. She didn’t even know it was me and made the nurse hang up. It was a lesson about what is important and what isn’t. You don’t have to answer every single piece of nonsense out there. You are not responsible for listening to bullshit that has nothing to do with you. And, even if it was about you, and you aren’t in accordance with the criticism, you can always thank that person and walk away, hang up or let them know that you are to be respected. Arrogance and intolerance are characteristics that when fed grow into monsters.
Start to put yourself first. Respect your time, space and energy. When you do this those folks have no way to get to you. You can act and react however you want. The bullies and narcissist will disappear when they know that they can’t manipulate you. You aren’t going to fix the world unless you put yourself on the highest level of self-respect. You are worth so much and if you can’t see it they can’t either.
We absorb our surroundings. We are constantly being bombarded with crap from others. It’s your choice to stop the madness. You get to decide what and how you participate in this world. Shift your perception and recognize that the lessons come from people who rub us the most intense way through feelings. Learn from them about what and who you are…but don’t own their shit. Forgive what you cannot change since you have a hard time letting go.
It’s not selfish to love yourself and demand respect. You are not anyone’s punching bag. You are required to stand and provide self-love. That’s compassionate. That’s kindness.
Sending love out to all!
15 thoughts on “You Deserve Respect”
Your so right on! Perhaps you should ask her to text you instead of calling…I am sure her fingers would get tired 😉
I wish I could. She doesn’t have a computer or a cell phone. It’s pretty sad.
Oh that is sad ;( ….
Thank you, darling, for stopping by. What makes it worst is that she’s a sister who is 24 years my senior and I have to remind her to put a lid on it. She truly has to be put into place. I think this last time it’s stuck. Have a blessed day.
It’s loving to all concerned to call time when this happens….a pattern gets set and you are quite right…it matters not who sets the pattern, we can still call time. Being on the receiving end of someone else’s internal acid burns! ❤ Xxx
Hello, my love! It’s all about self-preservation. We deserve what we put out there. We are not anyone’s punching bag to tolerate the disrespect and unworthiness. Hurt people hurt others. It’s their MO. And, it’s time we recognize that we must set healthy boundaries. This also comes with age and experience. Mucho love to you.
Oh yeah…long and hard won experience! Hugs and much love flowing to you….the pics of your man and little one are magic. ❤ xXx
He is an amazing father. Thank you. Sending love to you.
Yes we should value our piece of mind and sometimes it is about saying no. But there are people who crave conversation and talk just to be talking.
Thank you, darling.
🙂 I so love this. When you first started, I was preparing myself as I was almost certain where you were going. I even have a few acquaintances who call to ‘talk down’ people they figure I don’t care for (as if that will somehow endear them to me). 😀 One thing I am never surprised by – people! Love you, Millie.
Thank you. How are you? Your poems move me in such a powerful way. I love you lady. Hugs and kisses.
Hi Millie, boy did I read this in a timely manner…just before Thanksgiving, in which we are always supposed to host. It doesn’t matter if the other sibling (my hubby’s bro) doesn’t do a damn thing. That’s just how he is, says the father-in-law. But let me tell you, if we choose not to, we’ll probably hear about it. My hubby who is hard-working, has a lovely wife (haha), and two wonderful young adult kids, gets all the grief. But the brother who has caused more stress, etc. for his parents, gets the understanding. Sorry for the venting. I should’ve read this after the holidays. 🙂 But thanks for your inspiration and wise words. I will keep them in mind, as I think the four of us will enjoy each other for Thanksgiving, before flying to be with my fam. for Christmas. It’s time to say “no” and move on. Have a lovely evening! ♥
Thank you for this. I love to read experiences from others when it comes to dealing with family and friends. I think you will know when you need to set your boundaries. Meantime, keep being the awesomest because that’s why they keep coming to you. Mucho love…