Sometimes I have some great ideas. Today was not one of those days. This morning, I thought with enthusiasm, that Saturday yoga would be wonderful after less than 3 hours of sleep. I drove down the mountain, 45 minutes, to the yoga studio to meet a dear friend. I was excited. I was in that zone of yumminess in anticipation for some mind, body and spirit union. Until I began the first pose and stretch.
My body felt like a tight rubber band being stretched to the max. I was afraid of snapping and parts of me hitting the young yoga teacher. Every breath resisted the stretch. Every single shift felt like someone was stabbing me in all my muscles. I would breathe in and then curse out under my breath (unconsciously) until I would hear my friend giggling. I kept having to return to the moment, to the breath and to the pose. Today’s practice was truly about releasing something deeper in a cellular level. It was brutal and unnatural and unpleasant beyond words. I haven’t had one of these classes that I kept looking back at the clock to realize that only 10 minutes had gone by. “F*ck me!” I mumbled under my breath…and yet another giggle from the neighboring mat.
My body resisted everything this morning. I am sore all over. “Gentle Yoga” my ass! There was nothing gentle about being pulled to where I went today. And, yet, I am grateful I had that hour battling through tears at times, bad words, and deep inhales/exhales that made me realize that I am carrying stress all over, especially in my heart region. This is great to know. Not!
Resistance sucks. We think that by avoiding the pull and push that we are saving ourselves from pain, but it’s the other way around. The more we resist the worse anything becomes. We have been taught to resist emotional breakdowns. We have been programmed to hold tightly to our traumas and not let them go so freely with others. Most of us resist compliments and endearing words of admiration. We don’t believe we deserve them. We continue to resist in every part of our lives because letting go and surrendering are signs of weakness. But this is bullshit. Vulnerability is beautiful and to let go is pure divine freedom.
Resistance is the fight between the adjustment and flexibility of allowing things to come and go. I was resilient in staying for one hour, moving through the pain, discomfort and the freaking awareness that I need more letting go. I need to nurture my body with gentleness…not the irony of gentle yoga at all. Resilience is part of that silence that I needed today while exhaling curse words under me towards the instructor. (It wasn’t her fault. She leads an amazing class…but I really, really, really disliked her today).This resistance was combined with tolerance and the mystical walk of staying within my powers of truth. The mat, the instructor and the class beat me senseless.
And I am glad I allowed it. The last 10 minutes of the class, in meditation, I released the tears pent up from working against the emotions. It was definitely rewarding.
Don’t fight with resistance. You won’t win, I tell you. Whatever you resist keeps persisting. Believe me! I am consciously aware that what was a good idea today was definitely worth the travel…for my emotional, spiritual, and physical body.
Now…where is that darn heating pad?