I have had time to process this past weekend’s retreat experience. I suspect that within all the intense energies swirling lately I will be processing even deeper. I have released something powerful. Magical doesn’t begin to describe it.
Spirituality is birthed through it. We are awakened by it. We are created to honor it. We expand in its presence.
I’ve spoken truth. Painful as it was I said it out loud. It was received without judgement. It was held in another person’s hands full of forgiveness and divine love. My heart felt the brokenness receive light through small actions of pure love and acceptance.
Cause…I’ve lied and cheated and participated in some sinful human experiences. I have carried it for decades searching for redemption. We all make mistakes, especially when you are young. Unfortunately, in the same intensity and depth of passion that I love I also, tenaciously, hold myself accountable. Passionately loathing things I’ve done while feeling that I’ve hurt another. I didn’t even realize the punishment I was doing to myself. Such horrific injustice wasting nights creating stories on how to ask for forgiveness. I wasn’t aware of the weight. Passion carries through everything I do so it’s painful when the energy is toxic, stagnant and sabotaging to my soul. Cellular memories hold things forever until we truly let go completely.
I starts with truth.
Releasing and forgiveness are powerful. I had been able to surrender so much in my life. But there was one thing that no matter how much I tried, how much therapy I got, or how many letters I wrote would not let go. I required those secrets to be faced in person.
My passionate heart needed to be holding that person in front of me. I needed to look into her eyes and say the words out loud. I needed to feel her. Even if she didn’t resonate with me I needed to take accountability for my actions. I needed to say, “I am sorry. I am deeply sorry for hurting you….”
I am blessed to have had the most cathartic and healing experience ever. Let’s face it we are our own worst enemy. We harbor shame and guilt while feeding it with self loathing. Most often it’s done in a subconscious level. We aren’t even aware of it until something brings it up. And then again we harbor the pain, unable to let it go. We return to memories like a time machine but unable to make changes for those experiences (the same experiences that provided growth).
Forgiveness is not just for another. It is for the self. In the process of asking for it we are surrendering to spirit. We are allowing the universe to sacredly create holiness through those experiences. Every action brings with it a reaction. In truth we are recreating from love.
The stories we create are painful. This is why sharing with full vulnerability is healing. The moment we speak up the darkness and shame loses power.
This weekend I was among angels. I was exposed to love and forgiveness through stories. So I ask you to please make amends with your past. Find a way to do it through a letter, a touch, or however your soul asks. Just do it! Don’t keep putting it off.
Once truth comes out you will ask yourself why you waited so long? You will feel a sense of remorse for not letting it go sooner. And you will laugh. Because that will begin to also help heal those raw wounds. Joy will replace guilt in no time.
We don’t have to be present in front of the ones we’ve hurt but it sure helps when the person is there to hear it.
Thank you, my dear sweet woman. You know who you are. You have allowed me to see me completely while seeing you. You allowed me to witness my own reflection in the love you have returned. I am able to feel love that I rejected because I thought I was not a good person. In your immense faith I, too, have acquired more. I love you. I love me. And in the process I love us.