When I was young I would lose my voice often. Laryngitis was common. In those days I let many people bulldoze over me and it would transform into a cold that would then take my voice for days. As I got older I didn’t lose my voice. It became strengthen by “voicing” things instead of holding them in. Two nights ago I lost part of my voice. I was disappointed by the way the courts are handling the decisions of our little boy that we will be adopting. We are at the mercy of a bureaucracy that has been fractured for some time. I believe everything happens in divine timing, however, I am also in the mental health profession and I see the injustices that happen in this law system. I get it. Unless you see it on a daily basis you don’t know how messed up we are as a country. We need change. I don’t know what it will take to truly start the many changes in this world that need to happen in masses. But something has to appear and soon.
I went to bed coughing up crap and after a few hours my voice was almost gone. By morning my voice was minimal. As yesterday went on I felt horrible. I woke this morning with nothing but a faint whisper accompanied by an achy body.
I am reminded of my power and how I manifest things…even the giving away my voice. Even when I really have no choice but to surrender… I have felt unheard. These things take time. I’m at the mercy of the illusion of time. Which is comical in so many levels.
So after sleeping most of today, loaded on cough medicine and decongestant, I recognize my ability to be present. So much so that my voice wasn’t heard because I was North Carolina and the hearing was in Florida. Things weren’t magnified and addressed as I had hoped. The important stuff wasn’t really discussed. I was not there to “voice” out the incompetence of agencies and other important issues. As an advocate for others I feel I could have said a few things to the judge that might have made him rush his decision.
I am well aware of how fortunate we are to still get this little boy when the time is right. And in spite of the time table we’ve been given I still believe it will be sooner. For now I have made peace with the decision and the waiting. It’s not my first time being in this place playing the waiting game. It’s all lessons in patience. I can play along as long as I am physically healthy. So for now I stop touching what feels achy near my heart and let it heal as it should.
Remember to not hold things in. Your physical body gets attacked by your emotional and spiritual one. I forget at times. Love you all who prayed and continue to do so. I know some of you have tried calling but I have no means to speak at the moment. I’m in the process of healing so I can return to work tomorrow. I am blessed beyond words for the massive support. Thank you!!! A million times over and over….thank you! I love you.