Back to Peace

This week I struggled in a way that feels foreign to me. I couldn’t find grounding. Monday I took a leave of absence from my job and drove to Florida. It was a hard four days there. I kept coming out of my skin. And yet, I kept reminding myself to be. “Be in this moment. Allow for the discomfort and just be without judgment.”

I did. I have. Sometimes failing miserably. I kept returning to years ago when I had several children with severe mental health issues all under one roof. I forgot a lot of it. Until this week.

Tuesday I spent part of the day with my daughter supporting her as she lost another child. I sat in gratitude that the baby never went home with her. I sat in the knowing that the baby is safe. I sat. That’s all I did with her was sit.

My daughter was happy, initially, knowing I was on my way. And then that moment was clouded by the reality that I was on my way which meant she was going to have to own up to her stuff. Or not!

The navigation of it all is daunting. I had forgotten how difficult it is with her. I know nothing. I am having to keep my little one, her first daughter, away from her…leaving her with my mother in-law as I moved into another compartmentalized mode. It all becomes a massive puzzle of what I can and cannot do moment by moment with my daughter. She’s an adult. A stubborn one. She’s dangerous in the way her mind works.

Tuesday was f*cking hard! It wasn’t just witnessing her lack of mental capacity to understand it all. It was the legalities and feeling through the sadness. It was the attitude she carries as if she’s owed something and in no way holds herself accountable. She is nasty and vicious and hurtful. And she hurts because she’s hurt. Her demeanor is one of the most challenging ones I’ve ever encountered.

By the time the afternoon rolled around I was exhausted. I drove back to my in-laws sobbing in the car. I had my guard up for a few hours and I felt I had depleted all of me. She refuses help. She rather be homeless. She refuses assistance for her mental health. She won’t get on birth control. And I know all of this well. I see it in my job. But, shit, when it’s your own kid it tears every fiber inside. I love her. I love her so much and because of that love I have to stay away from her. She will shred that love and use it to manipulate in order to get whatever she feels she deserves.

I am reminded of her strength and determination. I am reminded of mine. No matter what I say it’s not sufficient. And that’s okay. This is her journey. We all have one.

It’s a lot. It’s too much. The energy choked me but I allowed for my spiritual truth to guide us both. My emotions are still surfing sacred water this weekend. I am lead by divinity. I am lead by love.

It will be alright. Both new babies are safe. She will continue to do what she does. I must be a tower of certainty and responsibility while she navigates through her own mind of chaos. She will figure it out in her own manner: A mind that will never see the world the same way most people see it.

All I am asked to do is just be in this moment. Everyday. I returned home last night. A twelve hour drive with a four year old is always challenging. She did great. And my heart today is tender but I’m home. I’m at ease and I’m back to peace.

May you find peace within as well!

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15 thoughts on “Back to Peace

  1. Sending you love and caring….We can all use back up at times and this sounds like a very raw time in many ways. Try to rest in knowing you offered your help, you were there and reaching out. If the other side refuses it there is little we can do. How difficult this must be. Stay strong Millie, there are plenty of people who DO want your help. You can only do so much. I hope your heart heals gently…..VK ❤

    1. Exactly. And I was reminded of my own growth in the past few years. I am not in the fixing mode any longer. It’s not my job. She knows I love her. But there are boundaries. I need them to feel mentally healthy. Hugs.

  2. As I read your post my heart ached for the tough situation you described. At the same time I also knew that you would recieve what you needed during and after you trip. I hope the peace you are experiencing after returning to your home continues for many, many,many days to come. Blessings

  3. Reading your post I could see parts of me and my son. I wanted to give you a hug silent hug especially in that car ride.

    My doin was diagnosed at 19 with bipolar with schizo affect disorder. He turned 26 this year and I finally realized that inorder to save my sanity I had to back up and let him make his choices . No matter what I can not make his world right for him. Self preservation is hard to do with the ones we love.

    1. I feel you. Many years ago I heard a therapist clearly tell me that if I was on a plane and the oxygen masks dropped I would have to put mine first before helping another. That’s stuck. I need to care for myself before helping others, including my kids. My daughter is who she is. I love her dearly but cannot allow her to take away my oxygen. Take care of you. Sending a giant hug.

  4. Amanda

    My heat is breaking for you as I read your stories, but as always, I am inspired by the love you give out to the world. I’m praying the God will give you and your children exactly what he knows you need the most.

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