When do I heal? How long is this pain gonna take?
I get asked those two questions often. My answer is always the same, “It will take whatever time it has to. When you finally forgive that person and/or yourself the process will become lighter. But, it might just be ongoing. I don’t know!”
We carry battle scars. We relieve memories as if they are happening right now. We tell and retell the stories in order to be heard or accepted or whatever. The point is that the pain cannot leave us while we are continuously entertaining it. The healing can only begin when the focus is removed.
My mother visited me in a dream last night. She came in with the same intensity that was her aura while alive. She visited with anxiety and judgment. She sat with criticism and doubt. What had changed was my ability to see her as all she was and not own her pain. Her pain was how she moved and controlled others. In my dream she no longer had power to do this to me. She can’t decide my life choices. She cannot manipulate my fears in order to force me to make life decisions that align with hers.
I love my mother. I loved my mom because her lack of understanding and heartache forced me to be the woman I am today. She died without healing completely. She didn’t know how to let the battle wounds heal. And she took those scars and pain daily to manifest hurt in those around her. She lived in fear of judgment from the world and became the biggest judge of all.
The best lesson my mother has taught me is in letting go. It’s to be in the moment and forget those things, and folks, who have created aches in my heart. Every so often those wounds might resurface but I sit with them and send them back to where they belong…in the past. My stories mean nothing today. Every action and reaction has allowed me to get here.
So…the pain will continue for however long it has to in order to get you to start living in the NOW. Give yourself that gift. It’s a PRESENT you can count on. ~m.a.p.