I sat with my coffee mug snuggled inside both my cold hands while I was in a lotus position on my sofa this morning. The only light in the room was a salt lamp. I felt the heat from the mug rise to my face.
I’ve been cold.
I’ve been lost.
I’ve been sad.
And I’ve been questioning every single thing in my life. I have been tracing and retracing decisions, analyzing them in a forensic manner. It’s not like me. Yet, for weeks I’ve done nothing but try to fix past choices.
I’ve gone back in dreams trying to redo wrongdoings and the outcome never changes.
I know this is beyond ridiculous. But one thing that has shown up is that I’ve let go of regrets and resentments during these moments. It has helped clear up old karmic connections.
I have cut cords and allowed things to just be.
I entered meditation earlier this morning. The sound of darkness engulfed me. I felt the sting of grief come up again. It’s been coming and going for a bit. I felt the five stages come up in intervals: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. The meditation was more like a release than a sacred ritual. And, that’s okay too.
I have no reasons for moving through this dark night of the soul. I’ve gone through this so many other times. I don’t know why it has reappeared. But, I do know that it won’t just disappear until I allow its course without resistance. I must do the work in the same manner that I tell my personal clients during intuitive counseling sessions. I’m no different than anyone else. I cannot help another if I don’t walk the same paths of least resistance.
I have a new day job. I’m working with infants. It’s been several weeks. I’ve moved from mental health nightmares to pure light in newborns. It’s been draining and exuberant simultaneously. It’s a bizarre contradiction. My days are long and physically draining. Before this they were long and emotionally vampiric.
I’ve experienced the duality of what makes us human. I’ve seen darkness and, now, light. But a part of me is in the middle asking and demanding all sorts of answers from the cosmos.
A friend gave me an intuitive reading months ago. She said I would be entering one of the darkest periods of my life. I told her, while laughing, that I have experienced those before. It surely cannot be that bad. (What a way to contradict experiences before they even happen)! I promised her I would be gentle with myself. I don’t do victim mode at all. I have little patience for pity parties. Yet, here I am. I find myself struggling with the most mundane decisions: hair up or leave it down. So I try both ways and instead of choosing a style I spend part of my day obsessing with it. Up and down. And the same goes for what I wear, what I need to say, and what I should be doing with my life.
This is not me. I have the impatience of a two year old with myself. I get shit done. I move to the next thing. Not lately! It seems as of everything is moving in a slow escalator and I must wait to get to where I’m going because it’s full of people and I can’t pass them. I’m at the mercy of the universe.
I had to remove myself from social media. I deactivated Facebook. I deleted Instagram from my phone. In order to survive whatever this is I have to make my world super small. Except for those who need a session, I’ve had to cancel commitments, events and just concentrate on this very single moment.
This is not for sissies. I told a dear friend this weekend to check on her friends…the ones who suddenly disappear and retreat into their world because it’s dangerous. I feel the more awakened one becomes the more disconnection shows up from the 3D world. It’s hard not to question everything. It’s hard not to want logical answers for the reasons we must struggle.
I have endless questions and then have to remind myself to just be.
Darlings, I’m feeling your heaviness. I read your messages and emails. I feel the collective and how this spiritual ascension is triggering us all. We are having to revisit old crap. We are having to let go and forgive. It’s okay. You are not alone. I have to believe we will be better once we get to the other side of this. I feel it. But in the meantime allow for the discomfort. Make time to be alone. Put your tiny world in the utmost priority. Put yourself in a bubble of self love.
I am with you holding you in grace….
I love you!
Moments with Millie 
Your experience is exactly as mine has been. I at times did not think I would survive. I went to some of the darkest places I have ever gone and there I was torn to pieces. There I had to put to rest betrayal, lies, manipulation, loss so complete that it shattered me, and I too questioned everything especially myself. For many months I did not even know who I was anymore. Slowly I am coming to the surface of light. Slowly I am getting things done again. Slowly … ever so slowly, yet I am feeling a sense of newness. I’ve never experienced such a harsh and deep and dark journey. I did not know if my sanity would stay. I extend huge (((HUGS))) to you! The “energies” that have been pounding this earth have been relentless as they strip those of us who are aware bare, and others who are not, into behaviors that are not even sane. Hang in there! Are we almost out of the dark? 💜💜💜
YESSSSS! Omgosh yes! We think we can’t survive but here we are. Thank you for sharing this with me and others. I have felt like I have no clue who I am and what I am here to do. It’s been debilitating. Moving slowly. I love you, Amy. Blessings to you. You are courageous and absolutely delicious.
You’ve put tears in my eyes. This journey almost destroyed me. I still don’t know how I made it and slowly returning to the land of the living. To have someone understand what I’ve been through, makes me feel not so alone anymore. Bless you! 💝
I understand the brokenness. It’s horrible. And it feels so isolated. Like no one can understand. There is this massive identity crisis struggling at all times. I’m here. Pls know it and feel it. Love you.
I Love you too. What the purpose of this Journey is, I still have yet to know. I believe we are being prepared. For what? That is to be revealed. For now, all that is important to me, as is probably you, is putting the pieces of “me” back together again in a “new” way. 🦋🦋🦋
I ask the same questions. I have to believe there is a higher plan that will change the world. We are light bringers.
🌟🌟🌟
Lots of love to you.. ❤️😊❤️
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts an feelings as you move through this…..it helps. ❤️
Thank YOU for stopping by. Hugs.
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Thank you.
Reblogged this on Blue Dragon Journal and commented:
Yes, tapping into bubbles of grief that well up from long-forgotten recesses of the emotional body… many tears.
Millie, thank you for letting us into your world, the light and dark,. I was worried and wondering how you were and where you were… sending you so much love and light.. .. peace and ease ♥️
❤️🙏 taking it in stride. Thanks, sweetheart. Sending love your way.
Sending lots of love your way. I experienced a dark period the end of last year into early this year. Decimation all over again, like a repeat of times before. It’s tough. Hang in there. ❤
Thank you so much for the love and support. I’m glad you journeyed through it and you are on the other side. I can’t wait to get there too. 🙏❤️
Reblogged this on dreamweaver333.
Thank you, Millie, for having the courage to share your vulnerability. I ‘feel’ you and what you share resonates so much. I felt so lost and retracted back to myself, knowing that the ‘self’ I knew had to be left on shattered pieces for a new self to emerge. Still gently feeling my way forward. Very tough for us ‘doers’ who are patterned to crack on, to not have the energy to crack on. It takes courage to create the new and here’s to all of us souls exploring this.
Your sharing helps more than you could know.
Xxxx ❤️ xxxx
Thanks for your share as well. I love you. I’m here…feeling you. Together we get through it all. Mucho love to you.
Just by sharing your experience you have helped others ! Including me! Years ago I was experiencing the same and did not know where to turn . It was very dark , I didn’t know one could feel so hopeless n helpless. Once I got through it and understood my emotions. I was able to assist others in their moment of darkness. And like you I shed the people and illusions that did not serve me! I feel free now , I enjoy nature simple walks and my life seems so much more fulfilling 💜 . Thank you for your article it does help others🦋
Your words reached my heart. Thank you and I’m so glad you went through it. I believe we are all experiencing this on one level or another. Times are shifting and changing. It cannot be helped. Some folks dive into addiction. Others check out. The vibration is ridiculously accelerated but we must hang on. Sending you a loving hug from here. Thanks for stopping by. ❤️🙏💜