My ex and I bought a beautiful property in South Florida many years ago that was owned by a trainer for a local race track. When we purchased the five acres from the German man, he had several horses there that he had rescued from being put down. These were horses that no longer raced or had been injured. There was one particular quarter horse that was about two years old that needed a home. We decided to keep him there. The man told us that the horse could not be mounted. He was scared of everything and had no problem showing his anger with kicking or biting. In his very thick German accent he said, “Horse be like dog. He cannot do nothing but walk around. Horse is not good for riding. You want to stay with horse make sure he has food and space to roam.”
I named the horse Keanu because he had the most beautiful almond brown eyes that showed a deep wound. There was a brokenness that reminded me of the actor.
As we demolished the small house and began rebuilding our ranch home the horse lived in the stables and on back of the property. He had over an acre to roam around as he pleased. I would go see him, feed him, and he would not come to me. We respected one another. He was a big horse and I was constantly in a rush, moving through life in hyper speed. I did not have the pace or intuition that leads my life now. At 32 years old I had two speeds, go-go or go faster. But over the first few months Keanu would just stand back and observe. He observed the six children running around the property. He saw the other animals we had there. There was a lot going on between making a pool and rebuilding the property to livable conditions. At times I would walk by him and start to talk to him. Within four months he would sneak up on me and nudge me with his nose. I would turn slowly and eventually he allowed me to touch him. Many months later I would walk with him around the property as he would keep his distance from me and I learned to just share uninhibitedly with him.
Yesterday a very good friend of mine was sharing something about her husband. I stopped her in the middle of her story and said, “Oh, my God I had a horse just like your husband.”
She looked at me a bit puzzled. I said, “I haven’t thought about that horse in so many years, but your husband has been beaten down so much in his life that it requires structure, trust and patience to be able to allow him to open up slowly.” Her eyes opened widely, “Yes. Yes. Oh, you understand!”
As I was falling asleep last night I began to think of Keanu. There was one particular memory that stood out and at the time I didn’t understand why I would remember it the way I did. I had a horrible day and I went to the ranch to feed the animals. I shared with him the incident that happened with a client in Colombia. The horse came up and began to push me with his nose. He was forceful. I got out of his way and he continued to do it in a matter of showing me that I had the power to stop the excessive negative thoughts. I stood my ground as he moved erratically, running around me, pulling his legs close and back. I was afraid he would kick me no matter how long I kept saying his name. Then when I looked into his eyes and yelled, “Stop it. Stop this please!” The horse stopped and became motionless. My heart began to race faster. I didn’t know if I turned away from him, I would be safe.
I began to think of what the German man had said to me about his temper. I didn’t know anything about horses. I began to walk away from him and he came behind me and nudge my arm with his mouth without really biting me. I began to pet him, holding him in an embrace that I had never done before. I realized he wanted me to stop belittling myself (either that or he was extremely tired of my stories). He wanted me to stop abusing and allowing another to abuse me the way he had been abused in the race track. He had sensed my sadness, desolation, and frustration…I am sure for many months.
Keanu and I were friends for a few years until 9/11 when we lost all our money and I had to give him up. He had become mellower, loving, and did allow some people to ride him. He needed to trust and be trusted. That day, with my story, brought our abuse and self-worth into perspective. He had my back. I was able to have his.
If you want to see the essence of another in pain, take a deep look into their eyes, but don’t be shocked when you see your reflection staring back. Our energies are endless. Animals can feel us. Plants pick up on it. Other folks can feel the presence of something not being right. In a way we are all like Keanu, fractured and not able to trust so easily when we have been beaten down. We require gentleness, patience, and the deep understanding that no matter what we will be okay. We all just need compassion and love to bring us back to life.
I love you,
Millie
Moments with Millie 