When someone tells you how you’ve hurt them you don’t get to tell them how to feel. They are coming from their own experience and awareness.
This is also the case when someone is sharing how they’ve hurt you.
Love them anyway you can. You won’t change how they are hurting. It takes time to undo those aches, even if it was a misunderstanding. And maybe they will never see “your side” of that story. It’s not up to you to shift their narrative.
I lost my voice during my birthday week. I’ve returned from South Florida visiting with my adult children completely exhausted and depleted. The voice began to leave when someone I adore apologized to me for things I haven’t known from years ago. In my silence I have leaned into healing, for her and for me. I realized she had been holding on to things that have caused her tremendous anxiety, guilt and shame. When I explained that I forgive her she couldn’t hear it.
We shared space with my minimal amount of voice. I pray she’s released it all. I will do all I can for her to let this go even if it’s reminding her of how important she’s in my life and in this world.
Healing has millions of versions as it moves through the journey of Forgiveness. When we are hurt it takes time to mend. And maybe it never does. Perhaps that person doesn’t belong in your life anymore. Or maybe that soul was a massive teacher for you.
I’ve hurt people. People have hurt me. We’ve hurt each other. In this life it’s a certainty that it will happen again and again. Sometimes through lack of awareness. Other times, in consciousness choice.
Be gentle with yourself. Forgive and let go. If you can’t do it now, that’s okay too. There are endless lessons in grief. Loss of any kind is inexplicable.
Time doesn’t always heal those aches. Carry what you must and let go of what you can.
I love you.
Moments with Millie 
It’s been hard forgiving and letting go when the person I needed to forgive wasn’t a real person but a manifestation of the real person’s dementia demons.
Sam would never have behaved the way “Dex” did if he hadn’t had the dementia. It was Dex who hurt me – emotionally, never physically – over and over again after Ducky passed. He said and did things the real Sam would never have said and done. Things that hurt me deeply, even though I knew it was the dementia causing the behavior. I don’t know how much more I could have “handled” had he not ended up in the hospital. Yet once he was admitted and moved to a room – and somewhat stabilized medically – the real Sam started appearing again intermittently. He would smile when I walked into the room and be pleasant, as long as the nurses didn’t try to do their job.
Over the six months since Sam’s passing, I have finally forgiven “Dex” and let go of all the hurt. I miss Sam immeasurably, and at times the tears just can’t help but roll down my cheeks; but his dementia demons ceased to exist when he left this world. And for that I am beyond grateful.
I am holding you tightly in my heart. I love you so much.