I Feel You

My sweet father-in-law tells my mother-in-law every night, “Feel you soon, darling!” He goes to bed before her. It’s a tender moment between the two. I feel we need more of that in our lives. We need to “feel” each other’s presence. “Feel” the joy and sadness. “Feel” our lives with one another without judgment. It is necessary to feel more because we would be more conscientious of our emotions. We would be mindful of how we treat others. Feeling with another would create more kindness.

So whoever you are, whatever you do, feel you soon! I’m here. You are not alone.

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The Love Hurt

Kali and I were on our way up from Florida yesterday. About 6 hours into the trip my chest felt tight. I began to massage it. Immediately she asked from the back seat (behind the passenger side), “You okay, Mama?”

“I am, baby, just tired.”

“Your love hurts?” She asked.

I smiled and looked at her quickly, “No, sweetheart. It’s just tenderness in my chest! I didn’t sleep well last night.”

“Your love hurts. I know it does. My love hurts. A lot.”

“Kali Bug, Love doesn’t hurt.”

She began to cry. “Yes it does, Mama. My love hurts. We went to see my baby brother and he didn’t come home with us….”

She sobbed in a way that her heart was vibrating into my body. I felt the break. I began to cry. We have had an emotional week. We are frustrated. Last night she cried while holding him.

So I drove several miles while she composed herself. We released. She spoke of her promise to her little brother many years ago. (She’s mentioned this many times to which I believe her). I turned my IPod on to her favorite song, Alicia Keys’ Girl on Fire. We played it over and over for an hour. We danced and sang loudly in our seats. We made funny faces. We went on to sing other songs.

Then the love didn’t hurt so much. It smiled in gratitude for saving it. And she was happy for a little while longer. There is nothing a long car ride and great music can’t fix temporarily.

(Photo is of Kali and her little brother as we were saying goodbye). The bond they share, with just meeting this week face to face, is transcending of time and space.

Back to Peace

This week I struggled in a way that feels foreign to me. I couldn’t find grounding. Monday I took a leave of absence from my job and drove to Florida. It was a hard four days there. I kept coming out of my skin. And yet, I kept reminding myself to be. “Be in this moment. Allow for the discomfort and just be without judgment.”

I did. I have. Sometimes failing miserably. I kept returning to years ago when I had several children with severe mental health issues all under one roof. I forgot a lot of it. Until this week.

Tuesday I spent part of the day with my daughter supporting her as she lost another child. I sat in gratitude that the baby never went home with her. I sat in the knowing that the baby is safe. I sat. That’s all I did with her was sit.

My daughter was happy, initially, knowing I was on my way. And then that moment was clouded by the reality that I was on my way which meant she was going to have to own up to her stuff. Or not!

The navigation of it all is daunting. I had forgotten how difficult it is with her. I know nothing. I am having to keep my little one, her first daughter, away from her…leaving her with my mother in-law as I moved into another compartmentalized mode. It all becomes a massive puzzle of what I can and cannot do moment by moment with my daughter. She’s an adult. A stubborn one. She’s dangerous in the way her mind works.

Tuesday was f*cking hard! It wasn’t just witnessing her lack of mental capacity to understand it all. It was the legalities and feeling through the sadness. It was the attitude she carries as if she’s owed something and in no way holds herself accountable. She is nasty and vicious and hurtful. And she hurts because she’s hurt. Her demeanor is one of the most challenging ones I’ve ever encountered.

By the time the afternoon rolled around I was exhausted. I drove back to my in-laws sobbing in the car. I had my guard up for a few hours and I felt I had depleted all of me. She refuses help. She rather be homeless. She refuses assistance for her mental health. She won’t get on birth control. And I know all of this well. I see it in my job. But, shit, when it’s your own kid it tears every fiber inside. I love her. I love her so much and because of that love I have to stay away from her. She will shred that love and use it to manipulate in order to get whatever she feels she deserves.

I am reminded of her strength and determination. I am reminded of mine. No matter what I say it’s not sufficient. And that’s okay. This is her journey. We all have one.

It’s a lot. It’s too much. The energy choked me but I allowed for my spiritual truth to guide us both. My emotions are still surfing sacred water this weekend. I am lead by divinity. I am lead by love.

It will be alright. Both new babies are safe. She will continue to do what she does. I must be a tower of certainty and responsibility while she navigates through her own mind of chaos. She will figure it out in her own manner: A mind that will never see the world the same way most people see it.

All I am asked to do is just be in this moment. Everyday. I returned home last night. A twelve hour drive with a four year old is always challenging. She did great. And my heart today is tender but I’m home. I’m at ease and I’m back to peace.

May you find peace within as well!

Help the World Through Love

I was taught about the depth of acceptance this weekend. My daughter gave birth to a baby girl on Saturday. The baby is healthy. She will be going into a loving and safe environment. Along her side was a woman I am blessed has come into her life to guide her. She’s helping navigate the roller coaster of emotions. She’s a true earth angel.

My daughter has brokenness in places I pray will heal. Her inability to see things, due to mental disabilities, is heart wrenching to witness. And yet, she is my daughter. She is my heart. The baby was born a day after her 28th birthday. I am grateful for that. I cannot imagine her spending a lifetime celebrating her birthday with a child she had to give to another to raise.

I was blessed to be given moment by moment messages and conversations as she birthed her. Even many miles away I was there holding her hand and her heart. I pray she gets birth control and we stop the madness. She knows no one can force her do anything. It’s a control mechanism that even with my psych degree I cannot comprehend.

A few days before giving birth she begged me to take the new child in with the other two. I told her I couldn’t. I begged her to make responsible choices. The new baby will go to a loving family who has enriched me with compassionate gifts in love. Those lessons are magnificent.

This week I lifted my daughter with sweet kindness, letting her know she was strong; that she was a fighter; that these children were gifts to the world; that in each of those little souls she lives forever. I asked her to be gentle with herself. I asked her to please be mindful…and other intimate conversations that I’m sure she has already forgotten. Regardless of the words sinking in or not, I will continue to show love.

But somethings do stick. Every so often, in her limited capacity to converse, she shares a snippet of words I’ve said to her in the past. My heart skips a beat. I actually do a bit of a happy dance. I get an aha moment and pray more sticks.

I am her mother. She disappears for a bit and returns to me to let me know I have been her mother since she was 9 years old. She tells me that no one else has ever loved her like me. That’s huge! For her and for me. I take it in and accept it. I will continue to love her for however long love lives in me.

People have judged her due to her irresponsible acts…her choices. And I remind them that she’s human. She has her journey. She’s not a monster. We can dislike her choices but she is still my daughter and I will continue to love her in spite of it all. She is mentally ill. She is navigating in the capacity of her own awareness. If I rejected every mentally ill person I wouldn’t have a job. She deserves the same love a person who is mentally healthy receives. The lessons in true love are not in loving the easy ones. The true experiences are in accepting and loving the difficult ones. Those are the biggest teachers in our path.

Be kind to those who are suffering. Be loving to the addicts, the lost, the homeless, and those who don’t fit in your spectrum of what is normal. You don’t have to fix them. You just have to be loving. The world has so much hate. We do not need to keep fueling it with fear, anger, discrimination, and lower frequencies.

And…ultimately… show up and be in the presence of those who need a little light. Your heart will expand even wider. You have the capacity to transform another by accepting them. I love you. ~m.a.p.

Waves

Remember not everyday is filled with rainbows and butterflies. Some days are full of aches and scars and deep wounds. They require a little more heart expansion. Others require forgiveness. While still some allow you to feel the bliss from humanity and how we are the collective of something much bigger than ourselves.

Be humble. Be available to sit with all that arrives. Don’t let it paralyze you. You are meant to always show up and rise to the occasions of your life.

You get to choose how you react to it all.

There are days that compile several emotions from all corners of the heart. The world doesn’t prepare us for those moments of pure joy and heartache that happen simultaneously. The heartbreaks are so intense that you feel you cannot survive. They are invaluable experiences that force us to move into compassion without judgment. Huge heart pulls. Those days are truly sucky. They are wrenching. Ugh.

I ask that on those roller coaster emotional days you truly be gentle with yourself. Don’t discard the emotions. Don’t bury them. Don’t try to process them all at once.

Just be. Life is preparing you for such an incredible strong journey.

Believe me, tomorrow may just be the best day you will have so far. Don’t judge your future by the experiences you are having today. Don’t criticize the moments because you fear them. Don’t carry them alone because of how others may see you. They aren’t walking your path. You might be teaching them an experience they need for their own journey.

May you always be led by faith and grace. Things always have a way of working out. It requires you to shift perspective. And in that process you will see things in a different light. ~m.a.p.

The Magic in You

I am rarely shocked by anything or anyone. There’s really not much that can shake me up and deeply put me in a state of deep word-less-ness. At the same token there are things that others say they are impossible and I claim them to be probable. It’s in that place of astonishing amazement that magic moves. It’s in the moments of mystical surprises that we evolve and surpass a place of bewilderment. Our passion fuels us and heightens our perception. What we know to be true changes constantly. Our desires and dreams move from where we are now into what we aspire for tomorrow.

Follow the heart’s desires. It knows more than the logical mind. Nothing exciting ever happens in the comfort of conformity and dullness. Venture into the unknown and trust that the Universe has your back at all times. I promise you that in the moment of surrendering you are transformed through faith and grace.

You got this! ~m.a.p.