Existential Crisis

The first three months of 2020 I was writing… A lot. And I was keeping a gratitude journal each evening on my phone. When the schools let out weeks ago I stopped. Not because I wasn’t grateful for our health and for the ability to be safe with our kids, but because time was no longer available in the same manner. Now when I do have spare time I am beat.

I’ve raised six children basically on my own before this second act. Those six are grown and gone to have their own lives. This time it’s two little ones and a husband. And I look at them with joy and wonder. Many times in disbelief that at almost 52 years of age I have chosen this mothering job again. I take it seriously. And the state of the world feels heavier because they are so young…and I am much older.

Time has stopped. And I am living (as many of us are) in a loop. Just like the movie Groundhog Day, I have no idea what day it is. It’s like an ongoing weekend without the ability to physically connect with others and be in places that bring us joy.

I miss my Starbucks chai latte with no water. I can make it at home but it’s not the same as speaking to the Barista while the chocolate croissant is being heated.

I miss interacting with strangers daily everywhere without the risk of getting sick.

I miss driving. Today I got in my car after a week just to pull my eyebrows and chin hairs. It was lovely. I didn’t leave the driveway. The mirror and light in there make a difference. I miss doing this while I waited for my daughter to get out of school before. You know THAT before. Before the world stopped being the same!

I miss the human touch of friends. I miss hugs and kisses. I have them at home but sometimes, in rare moments, a friend can truly reach the depth of my soul with a hug. No words needed. It’s the most fantastic yummilicious exchange of energy.

Don’t get me wrong…I am forever grateful. For so much. I am deeply aware of how fortunate I am. Yet, I am struggling with an immense sadness. As we all are.

This is a shit show. It’s okay to say that out loud. While I know this is not just about the virus, but a massive shift in our humanity, I am mourning the life I had just a month ago. I am mourning the lives of so many. I am feeling such denseness for the turmoil, the lack of readiness, the uncertainty and the truth. Combine that melting pot of emotions with other things and, yes, it can be a tad much at times.

Every year I pick two words as my intention for the year. I picked “adventure and travel.” Oh, it’s an adventure alright. Daily! And I travel all day long from the kitchen to the living room to the bathroom and laundry room. There are several other rooms I explore. Every few days, when it’s not raining, I travel to the far end of our property to talk to myself in quietude. That’s the moment I am not cooking, or picking up crap from the floor, or sanitizing little hands. It’s just me and God. And boy, Am I keeping Him busy with my talks!

There are projects to be done. There are books to be written. Cabinets to be painted. There is a lot that I can be doing when I have those ten minutes of peace. But truly…I don’t feel like that’s important. I rather sit in the sun. I rather read a passage from a book that brings me to sacredness. I rather do nothing because in the nothingness lies peace. In that vacancy I get to feel the illusion of it all and it’s beyond tolerable.

There is an entire world experiencing loss and ambiguity. I’m grateful for my little bubble in the country setting. But, it is emotional fuckery, physical carnage and chaotic spirituality. (And yes, I am using more “sentence enhancers.” If not now then when the fuck)?

We cannot deny ourselves the emotions. And when I get on social media to escape, I read of others moving through similarities. This helps me connect and disconnect simultaneously. It allows me not to feel lonely in my own loneliness of seclusion.

I laugh. I cry. I shake my head in disbelief at times. I sometimes get angry. I even mumble a few things at the screen. But, ultimately I get to be here to keep a little bit of my sanity in tact. I get to witness the best of others.

Who knew that 2020 was really about seeing the world through new lenses? We’ve had to adjust and redefine our lives. We’ve had to purposefully let go of our dreams for the time being. We’ve had create a new state of reality. It’s a gigantic pause like never before. A pause to dive inward and pull out old traumas and triggers. It’s a pause to heal…globally. It’s not just this viral event. It is an existential crisis of the soul.

I promise you that it will be okay. I say this constantly. Sometimes I actually believe it. I thank you for being here with me. For taking the time daily to sit together and fill these pages with love, humor, and important messages. You are an extension of my life right now.

This year is a game changer. We will emerge from the flames with some massive badassery. I have no doubt.

Be safe. Be love. Be authentic. Be faithful. Be compassion. Be the best you there is.

A Social Experiment

This feels like a giant social experiment: Who will snap first in their spaces? Folks are being triggered. Personalities are truly on edge. I am hearing from so many about emotional rollercoasters all day long.

Be gentle with yourself. Cry it out. Get outside and try to release it. The not knowing when life will return is unnerving. The not being able to do your previous “normal” is daunting at times.

We are losing days. We are feeling displaced at times.

I get it. I’m with you.

This is triggering us all. Add a few kids with high energy to the mix and it is a potential mental deterioration like never before. Sometimes I feel like I’m failing. Other times like a thin rubber band being stretched and snapping. But I do try desperately to get out of my head and create a sacred space of peace. Or I remember a wonderful event in my life that I can breathe through with joy.

I seem to be crying a lot. Which is allowing things to come up and out. And I am blessed to be able to release.

I feel the collective and the sadness. I also feel the massive conscious shift in awareness. We are returning to what’s really important: love and connections.

Those who are working from home with family…I feel you. This is enhancing your creativity.

Those who are homeschooling kids…you got this. I will continue to praise and admire teachers and educators. You guys are truly gods and goddesses.

Those who have elderly family members at home…keep remembering how precious they are. They are truly feeling the angst of this chaos.

Those who work out of the home and return to those who are home all day…it’s stressful and everyone is walking on eggshells. Remember what’s important.

Those who are suffering from isolation…you are not alone. This is no time to stop communicating with loved ones.

Those who are struggling with depression…please please please get help ASAP. This is no time to put anything off for another month. There are places online.

Those who are risking it all or are getting sick…sending prayers is not enough. Sending light feels like bullshit. Gratitude is an understatement. I am awestricken by your commitment and heroism.

I love you. Each one of us is doing our best to move through this time. Let’s remember to put love and compassion in the forefront. This shit is getting real(er). Keep connecting with each other here. Share the happy moments. Let’s continue to raise our moods and energy to joy in spite of what is happening.

We are being cleansed emotionally and spiritually on so many levels. The oldest traumas are rising. The newest ones are being birthed. This is not the end. It’s a new beginning. We just need to hang on to our faith, sanity and stay in this moment as much as possible.

Stay home as much as you can. Stay in your love lane. Stay in love.

A New World

I slept very little last night. I tossed and turned. I would take a short nap to wake to this new reality.

This is a massive new experience that is shaking up the world. It feels like a wicked sci-fi movie. But this reality is transforming us all. It is elevating awareness and consciousness like never before. It is transforming us to live in the precious moments.

I watched a video from Madrid, Spain. A doctor shared, while sobbing, their reality that because of the lack of ventilators they are letting those older than 65 years die so the ventilators can go to the younger population.

So I cried along with him as the video shared the doctor’s plea for government aid. Another female doctor expressed her anger and frustration. These folks are dying alone. Nurses are the only ones able to hold their hands as they go through the agony of dying.

It’s happening across the globe.

This virus is not just taking out the weakest link. It’s taking us to a place of destitution. We are asking about our purpose here. We are questioning the why’s and how’s. It is unmasking humanity and we are all feeling it. All of it! Part of the collective is mourning. The other half is waiting for something powerful to happen.

One moment I am stricken by the anxiety of the unknown. On another moment I am excited to see a new world emerge from the fire. There are so many facets to all of this. And I refuse to allow fear dictate my days. But there are still those moments I will look at my children and hold tears back. We will never be here again.

This event is showing us how to work together to stay alive by not being together. It’s opening us greatly to compassion and love from afar. And we are finally recognizing that we are connected. What happens over there also happens over here. What happens to you affects those around us. We can’t do this without the collective participation.

Healthcare workers have become heroes beyond any other type of groups before. They are in the front lines witnessing death on a daily basis.

The only way to contain this is to please stay away from others. My heart aches for the elderly population which happens to be one of the most precious group of humanity. They brought us here. They are our historians. They are our ancestors.

Be safe, darlings. Stay in your highest vibration. There is so much that will come out of this. I believe it. But until then please be mindful to keep us all safe. You are making a difference by your actions. And continue to raise each other instead of tearing each other apart.

There Will Be a New Normal

We will never be the same when this global event is finished.

The normal we lived was not normal. It was imbalanced and toxic. We worked to survive the rat race. We forgot how to cherish the simple ways of life. We lost our faith and human dignity as we gave away our worth to others who misused our trust.

When this is over we will see the world so differently. We will talk about our lives as B.V. (before the virus) and A.V. (after the virus). It will become the marker of all our experiences…of a human evolution and spiritual transformation.

We will talk about how we saved the lives of billions by staying indoors. And how we came together as a community. We will share how we connected with others through the internet and became friends with strangers.

We will share about the jobs that were lost, money that crumbled and hearts that broke during the pandemic. And how we became stronger because of the lessons while rebuilding our lives in healthy ways.

We will be grateful for the medical staff, the truckers, those who deliver food and supplies, the teachers and all others who were out there putting their lives at risk on a daily basis.

We will talk about countries and how we all came together when it was over while erasing all boundaries. Hate didn’t win. Love lifted us to a whole new level of consciousness.

We will have moved inward instead of outward in a world led by materialism. We will have evolved our spiritual gifts to help so many. Healers and lightworkers will have been in the front line of the metamorphosis. The world became lighter in ways that “normal” never experienced beforehand.

We will have raised the frequency of our planet through joy and compassion. Acceptance, awareness and altruism will become a way of life across all of human lives.

We will be mindful of how we felt being home with our loved ones. How we became more creative and finished all the projects we had on hold. How our homes never looked cleaner and cozier. We filled our little lives with gratitude for what we had.

Our lives will never be the same and it’s a good thing. We will come out of this as a new world. A grateful world. A world with less hate and more love. An earth that will have rested from all we have done to her.

Normal wasn’t working for us. The new normal will be absolutely beautiful. I am holding on to this with the deep knowing that it was well overdue.

What this virus brings up

What this virus brings up…

The more time you spend alone, the more emotional stuff stirs up. We’ve never been forced to sit with ourselves like this. It’s like a huge mandatory retreat.

And retreats do this…they bring up the shit we avoid to face. They allow triggers to come up and out. They force us to look at the past, sometimes with regrets, resentments and sadness. We begin to beat ourselves up for things we cannot change.

This feels like a giant social experiment. It might feel like you’re being forced to go into therapy alone.

But you are not alone. There are millions experiencing these challenges.

Reach out. Talk to others. These emotions that are coming up have always been there but you were too busy to entertain them. Be gentle with yourself. Get to know yourself and your family.

It’s time, darlings, to clean your emotional bodies. It’s time to embody your spiritual truths. We are experiencing gigantic amounts of uncertainties. We are witnessing deaths of human life and the lives we had before this. Things are quite different now. Many folks aren’t working, and have lost their jobs. There are financial fears. Health fears. Anger. Hate that serves no one. Claustrophobic tendencies are rising. No one wants to feel out of control. But that’s also an illusion. You still have control of you.

This might be a while. So please get comfy with the discomfort and begin healing yourself. Allow yourself time to really dive into love while letting go of the experiences that no longer serve you.

You know all those folks who triggered you? Well you won’t be entertaining them for a while either. What a perfect way to distance yourself!

You know that job you hated so much? You won’t have it now. Take this time to reinvent yourself.

You know those things you wanted to do but had little free time? Look at that! Here you have it.

You remember all those times you said you wanted more time with your family? 💥 bam! Here it is.

You have the power to take this time and work on yourself. Get to know you. This virus puts things in perspective. You can choose love and compassion to go viral. You can forgive and let go.

If you are with your children all day I understand how trying it can be. This is all a learning curve and experience. And one in patience.

My heart goes out to all those out there putting themselves at risk for us. And to all the families struggling with losses…prayers to all.

I love you. Let’s raise each other from a distance through compassion, love, kindness, humor and understanding. There is so much good that’s waiting for us after this is over. We will be emotionally available to help the world come together like never before. We need each other now. I love you.

I See You

I’m not into conspiracy theories. I’m into a deep knowing that comes from beyond. And in the midst of all this turmoil, I have found peace. I refuse to move through fear. I see the big picture. I’ve felt the shift happening for some time. It’s here now. It’s not comfortable. It’s pretty brutal with so many being affected.

Many of you here have felt the slow transformations. It’s been happening for about 7 years. I believe after this event passes we will see a massive change in our world. We will understand what all this has been about. We will experience an array of emotions from disbelief and anger to gratitude and appreciation for the lives we have. Right now it’s the mourning period and I ask that you reach out.

It’s intense. It’s brutal. It’s carnage. There is so much we don’t know about tomorrow so we are asked to stay in the present moment.

We are with our loved ones at home. We are for the first time ever able to spend quality time together. We have been forced to return to basics.

My heart aches for those who are losing their families and are experience health challenges. My thoughts and prayers are heavy with the collective. We are in this together. Kindness and compassion are pivotal for the evolution of our souls.

Let’s Be Love

Oh dear!

Someone went on a rant over a post I made in my other page about being mindful of other folks’ feelings during these times. He went on to share all that this is and isn’t. I respect everyone’s opinion. Stress levels are high and no matter where you are on this incredible event…it comes out extra!

I felt the trigger and took it down. I won’t tolerate hate at this time.

Darlings, we are experiencing a pivotal time in history. We have never been in this particular situation…ever. We’ve had other viruses, catastrophic events, wars, and so many other events in the past. But, this is a new unfamiliar journey…uncharted territory. This isn’t isolating one particular place. It’s the entire world.

So, please be mindful of other’s feelings. We are gonna have mass hysteria, panic, and high levels of anxiety because we don’t really know how this is going to play out. We have no clue. We can speculate. We can bring on all the conspiracies. We don’t know. This is not a storm that can be coned out on a map. We are the map!

Each one of us has a responsibility (and choices) to be diligent with how we show up to this. We get to participate by not participating in the hysteria or in hurting others because they don’t think the same way.

Let’s treat this as a new awakening of 2020. We are truly being pushed to be present at all times with some heavy choices. Let love be on top of your list. Let compassion be second.

WE are in this TOGETHER. Let’s raise our spirits with laughter. But stop beating each other up. We will need to band together as we create a new way of life for a bit.

I love you. Go love you. I will not stop writing uplifting messages of love. I am a love cheerleader and I believe that we just need to be reminded of how freaking yummilicious we are as humanity.