Living in the Present Heals

When do I heal? How long is this pain gonna take?

I get asked those two questions often. My answer is always the same, “It will take whatever time it has to. When you finally forgive that person and/or yourself the process will become lighter. But, it might just be ongoing. I don’t know!”

We carry battle scars. We relieve memories as if they are happening right now. We tell and retell the stories in order to be heard or accepted or whatever. The point is that the pain cannot leave us while we are continuously entertaining it. The healing can only begin when the focus is removed.

My mother visited me in a dream last night. She came in with the same intensity that was her aura while alive. She visited with anxiety and judgment. She sat with criticism and doubt. What had changed was my ability to see her as all she was and not own her pain. Her pain was how she moved and controlled others. In my dream she no longer had power to do this to me. She can’t decide my life choices. She cannot manipulate my fears in order to force me to make life decisions that align with hers.

I love my mother. I loved my mom because her lack of understanding and heartache forced me to be the woman I am today. She died without healing completely. She didn’t know how to let the battle wounds heal. And she took those scars and pain daily to manifest hurt in those around her. She lived in fear of judgment from the world and became the biggest judge of all.

The best lesson my mother has taught me is in letting go. It’s to be in the moment and forget those things, and folks, who have created aches in my heart. Every so often those wounds might resurface but I sit with them and send them back to where they belong…in the past. My stories mean nothing today. Every action and reaction has allowed me to get here.

So…the pain will continue for however long it has to in order to get you to start living in the NOW. Give yourself that gift. It’s a PRESENT you can count on. ~m.a.p.

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The Universe Aligns

People will ask a lot from you. They will ask for help, expecting answers, needing favors, connecting with your light, sometimes sucking the life force from your truth. You can help another. Honor their feelings, but by no means take on their pain, their anger, selfish disorders, mental illnesses, needs and wants. You are only responsible for you!!!

We are here to learn and serve without expectations. The moment someone interferes in your realm of calmness your spirit begins to get uptight. Feel that emotion and go with your gut. If it doesn’t feel like love then you are being guided to not interfere. And this IS the tricky part for most of us. We are talk to help and fix our fellow man.

You have a choice. You ALWAYS have a choice in helping another. “No!” is a complete sentence…it’s how you say it….always say thank you after those words. But, remember the difference between helping and enabling. That thin line is not suppose to be used for jumping rope.

I love you. Honor YOU. Be gentle with you. And, most of all LOVE YOURSELF enough to put you in the number one spot of your life.

I am learning, daily, that in order for me to live and love in my authentic truth I must honor MY feelings first and foremost. The moment I make room for joy, the universe conspires with my desires to bring it forth. It’s amazing.

So, my darling, You got this! Have a blessed day. ~m.a.p.

Struggles…

Many years ago…12 to be exact…I was experiencing a struggle with my eldest daughter. She arrived into my life at the age of 11-1/2 from Romania. And with her came a lot of secrets and demons. She suffered from multiple personalities and deep wounds. There was no way to reach her regardless of all the love and security I provided. At the age of 18, finishing high school, she plotted to hurt me and some other family members. The heartache those days was immense. It was unlike anything I had ever experienced up to that moment in my life.

My son’s friend’s mother came over to get him one day. I shared my struggle through tears and heartbreak. She took me aside (a woman who truly didn’t know me that well even though our boys were super close) and she shared a personal story about her eldest son. She told me, while holding me, that sometimes we had to let go in order to continue helping our other children. Up to that moment I didn’t know anyone who had undergone things that broke the mama heart that profoundly. Whether it was addiction, mental illness, or whatever…I had not known someone personally who was navigating through similar experiences.

I listened to her. She had been at this for years. I felt her own release in that conversation. I listened so much that, now 12 years later, I can still remember her words of wisdom. This woman just lost her son a few days ago. That said son who was struggling with his own demons. And as I write this I swear my heart breaks even deeper. A parent should never, ever, have to do what she’s had to do this week. I know he’s finally at peace. She does too but there is always the uncertainty of how much we did or didn’t do to fix and save our loved ones. The doubts creep up and we are consumed by the unknown of it all. It’s hard to decipher what is real and what is not. Guilt and shame are familiar emotions that push the grief up. It’s all part of healing and letting go.

I know without a shadow of a doubt, that when someone has these struggles the only thing you can do for them is hold space. The loss is inexplicable. It’s unreal and I cannot imagine how my friend is holding herself up this week. So I pray and send loving light to her and her family since she’s not near me (although I wish I was with her at the moment). I keep meditating and hold her heart in mine. No one knows what another endures…not what she had to do for her son, not what I’ve had to for my own children. We have little windows we show to the world, but behind closed doors and blinds the truth of it is quite different. I am blessed to have had her 12 years ago to help me navigate my own grief, shame and guilt because I was completely lost. I had to let my daughter go. I had to love her from afar and continue to do so daily because she refuses the love. In the end I had to put my energy into those in my house who were willing to receive the love and security. And it continues…

That’s all we are asked to do: love and serve those who receive it (who are willing to accept it). We can’t fix or help those who don’t want it. It’s like hitting yourself against a giant boulder while the ocean smashes against you over and over. It’s pure insanity.

I love you, my dear friend. You know who you are…you will always be the words of wisdom when I struggle through my own little demons of guilt for not doing more…. I am here!!!!!

Entertaining Strangers

I’ve had the amazing pleasure of entertaining angels and guides dressed as humans. I’ve had teachers show me mystical lessons and practical ways of navigating in this life. I’ve met folks going through divorces, losing their spouses, and entering into marriages that have echoed my own past experiences. I’ve seen bravery, strengths and remarkable comebacks from illnesses. I have experienced some incredible phenomenons that aren’t logical and have had aha moments by the thousands. On rare occasions I’ve experienced the tiny percentage of ugliness, complaints, and stress beyond words. When I encounter folks I truly feel their presence (or lack of).

Stories come in all shapes and sizes. When I sit with someone I am always deeply surprised at how folks are truly vulnerable in nature. I am aware that it isn’t my business to fix anyone or make them fully happy. Some people receive what they reflect and everything around them seems to be a ticking explosive mechanism. Others are freaking yummilicious and being in their space makes me feel so much better. One of the most priceless lessons has been that I am not responsible for anyone else’s happiness. I am not a fairy godmother or a Genie. I am here on this earth to serve as an ear and love. I am here to share sacred space with others without judgment while providing love.

I have heard stories, exchanged tears, and had full belly laughs with countless of souls. Usually in the most unpredictable places. I was fortunate to also own a motel/retreat center that allowed for those stories in the past.

Overall it has been a journey of a thousand experiences. Each person who has entered my life has left a piece of their spirit with me.

Thank you for all the friendships and encounters, here and in real life. I love you. You continue to inspire me every single day.

You are Worthy

I want to tell you something that it’s hard for you to hear or accept: you are worthy. You are worthy of love. You are worthy of happiness. You are worthy of freedom. The shit you carry around, all those dark secrets that eat into your soul, attack your worth. You cannot go back in time no matter how much you power your thoughts. No matter how angry you get. No matter how much shame you hold. No matter who you blame. You cannot go back there. So stop sabotaging your future. Stop the insanity of negative self talk. Stop punishing your soul for all that has happened. What good is it bringing you? Your worth is a product of what you believe. You believe you are great…you will reach greatness. You believe you are lovable…you will find love. The monsters you carry around full of shame are stopping this moment and your future. No more hustling for your worth. Let it go. Find love. You are worth it.

Visitation

I woke at 3 or so this morning. I went outside and sat on my wet deck, as it rained throughout the night. I sat there listening to the silence of morning until a little bird landed near me. I found it odd that a bird was up that early. She had one leg. She hopped closer and stood there. I wasn’t alone in my thoughts. I had a visitor and one with a tremendous handicapped that allowed me to come out of my own funk. She had adapted to waking early in order to eat since she was slower. I moved a bit to get comfortable and it startled her…she flew away. I whispered for her to return. Eventually she did and hopped back towards me. She began to nibble at the blueberries that had fallen on the ground. So…for some sweet while it was me and the bird and the universe waking to another day. It was my heart being flung open with her little visitation. It was my thoughts taking a backseat from doubt, sadness, and the large scope of humanness. It was a lot, and nothingness, in a half hour (or whatever time it was). I wanted to continue sitting in the wetness, in my quiet safety net, in her presence as she hopped from bush to bush and back. I needed to go inside to meditate in comfort. 

I am given beautiful lessons through simple awareness. We all have these small windows of love and spirituality. Most people don’t stop long enough to notice but they are there. We are provided with the loveliest of visitors to show up in our world. Stay open. Continue to invite the extraordinary to gift you with messages. 

As I was getting my little girl in the car, hours later, the bird landed on the bush next to the car. I smiled, thanked her, blew a kiss…and she flew away.  Until next time, birdie…until next time!

Recharging

 

Tranquility

Something happened as of late…I hit an emotional and spiritual wall which affected my physical health. I felt it and I disregarded it. I have gotten better at detecting these moments, but I still ignored it. I woke a few days ago in a panic…exhausted to the bone and with an unwillingness to move. I couldn’t meditate (and this is huge for me). I recognized it then.

The knowing.
The guidance.
The red flag.
I listened and took it seriously. I am too old to ignore this. In the past it would cause me to end up in the hospital.
I kept hearing for weeks that I was “off” somehow. I felt it as well. So, I have moved into the mysteries and investigation of finding out what is “off” with me. Mary Poppins has vacated the premises. The PollyAnna sweetheart is MIA. It’s not that I’m short or nasty. It’s not that I’m unhappy. But, my frequency has shifted and I am tired. I cannot entertain one single thing.
I need a break from the world.
This week I’ve cancelled all appointments other than going to work. I cannot do anything else afterwards. I have been at this go-go-go schedule for months now. I have to take inventory of my spiritual guidance and emotional necessities.
There is such a thing as doing too much. There are repercussions for those actions. I refuse to bulldoze over my soul’s needs for one more week, one more day, or one more hour. It’s yelling for attention!
I listen. I am listening.
It’s in this magical space of detachment that I find the answers. It’s in the afternoons before my husband and child arrive that I can clear my energy and find bliss in sitting outside, listening to the birds…or going into my meditation room and sitting in quietude.
I need my time to create my own magic.
We all need space for recharging. We need sacredness. We need reflecting and allowing for answers to visit. We also need to crumble down the things inside that are asking for egotistical answers. The past calls, but you do not have to answer!
May you have a peaceful week! May you enjoy your time alone, or with others, but remember to honor your spirit. Go play. Go be in joy. You need it. We all do.
I love you…~m.a.p.