Softness

I was reminded by an elderly client about softness. He’s under hospice care. It was a gloomy day. He was quiet. Then he shared that he wished the sun was out.

“What will you do when it comes out?”

He answered, “I will sit outside. I like to feel the sun on me.”

“What’s your favorite part?” I asked.

He smiled, “The way the warmth feels on my uncovered skin.”

There was softness in his words. There was gentleness in his eyes and the way he shared the intimacy of feeling heat on his skin. I am reminded of that again.

There is a softness to me now that wasn’t there a year or so ago. It wasn’t there months ago. The rough edges, that perhaps no one really saw, are gone. I notice. I see the emotions flow, whereas before I was not even seeing. I was barely allowing the feelings to just subside. I stopped dissecting emotions a long time ago. There is deeper vulnerability, even less filtering in my own thoughts, self-kindness, and a profound consideration for my desires.

Softness doesn’t appear out of nowhere. It is created from the duality of hardness and harshness. It’s in the opposite state of awareness that I’ve come to understand and cherish. I have never been really soft with myself. It was a sign of weakness from my old programming. Being too soft meant being weak. Which couldn’t be further from the truth.

Until now.

Now it’s self-care and self-love. Now it is survival and acceptance. Now it is part of breathing. Now it is sensitivity and apathy but in a way that allows me to connect to the world without feeling responsible for what isn’t mine.

Softness…just is.

I am connected to universal energy through this softness. I am able to caress the parts of my heart that have needed forgiveness, letting go, and release in a way never before. May you find the softness in you.

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Old Treasures

In the quietude of over a week removing myself from the chaos, I found time to go through old files in my computer. It’s amazing how much growth I’ve endured in the last ten to fifteen years. It’s pure expansion. Among the rummage of memories, deleting one by one, I found this one. Written in 2006, struggling to leave an emotionally abusive relationship. The memories poured out of me with tremendous force. It took, yet, another two years to flee. I took flight and it’s never felt better. It then took another three years to share with him all that my heart needed to say in order to forgive myself for staying that long. He asked for forgiveness. I happily let it go. He needed it deeply. Closure is magical.

“I Wish I Could…”

Love is Everlasting

An 85 y/o client shared the story of the first time he saw his wife over sixty-five years ago today. She transitioned a few years ago. He can’t remember how long it’s been.

“The first time I ever saw her…(he took a deep pause)…she had me.” His eyes seemed to be recollecting the vision of her. “She was the most heavenly sight I had seen after returning from Korea.”

We stayed in silence for a moment while he continued staring at the wall in front of him as if he was seeing the memories pass by. He gasped…again and then returned to meet my eyes next to him.

“What did you notice first?” I asked him. He smiled. I waited with anticipation.

“Her smile. It lit me up like I had never been lit before!”

I gasped. It was my turn to take it all in. How do you move from such a statement? Then he broke the silence.

“On her last day on earth she had the same look. That morning she called for me four times. She had fallen and I ran to her. I called the paramedics. They came and she was losing her life. There she was slowly disappearing in front of me. I knew it. We got to the hospital and her eyes on the stretcher let me know that it was the last time she would look at me that way….” Tears formed in his eyes like two giant puddles of blue water.

I asked him, “How do you come back from that moment?”

He quickly said, “You never do. Even with me forgetting things the memory of that day lives with me. I wish that was one thing I could forget.”

I am always gifted lessons when I visit my folks. Always! It’s in the smallest touch or conversations. It’s in the authentic intimate moments of asking and their willingness to share life with me.

I asked one more curious question, “Did you get to kiss her goodbye?” Tears began falling from my eyes.

He looked at me and answered, “I did. And her lips are still on mine.” He passed his fingers over his mouth.

Love is everlasting. If you don’t have this with your mate….find a way to get there. No relationship is perfect but there are moments that will be cherished in your later years. Make them special. Make them count. May your lover’s kisses be imprinted on your lips forever.

Time is in Your Favor

holding time

It’s the middle of February. Already! I don’t quite know how things are happening so fast. We are emotionally and spiritually spinning in giant vortexes. Friday night I didn’t sleep. I was in and out of meditation most of the night…swirling up and down and all around the universe. I was feeling the universal forces in motion and it felt like my heart was going to give out. Not a good feeling for an empath.

It feels as if timelines are collapsing. Every day I hear of another suicide close to me, or someone six degrees from me. The bodies and minds can’t take the changes. It’s okay to not have the answers. It is NOT okay to give up without trying to reach out. I work in mental health and I am experiencing a higher degree of de-fragments. I am witnessing emotions dictating actions and creating deadly reactions.
I wish I could say I am sleeping well. I am not. I am moving from one timeline into another. My night activities are as chaotic as the waking day time ones. I’ve concluded that even through meditation I cannot slow down the times. They aren’t suppose to be slowed down because we are shifting and it’s part of mass consciousness upgrades. Discomfort pushes growth.
But what are we being pushed into?
I don’t know but when I go into the space of love and peace…when I enter sacredness I see a different world. I can hear John Lennon’s song, “Imagine” in my heart. And this, darlings, is what I feel is the pushing. Things are changing, especially when you detach from the news and media. You will find just by looking around your tribe and circles that we are returning to authenticity and truth.
I urge you to be gentle with yourself. Old traumas and programming are coming up. We are being asked to clear the things that are toxic in our lives. We are required to cut cords of things that cause us pain. We are being redirected to notice what sets our desires on fire: creativity, travel, gathering with like-minded folks, family, nature, spirituality and so much more. It’s no wonder we are being stripped of hurt, shame and guilt.
Our lives are changing. Technology has clearly forced us to live at a faster pace but it can also be utilized to slow down. You do not have to depend on it for every little thing. If the phone rings, you don’t have to answer. The emails and texts can wait. Social media doesn’t have to be touched all day long. We have become slaved to the things we complain about…too much stimuli.
What’s happening OUT THERE is also being felt immensely in here. Politics, religion, and everything else is keeping you in a prison of mind control. You are being given what to think and digest instead of you searching for what you really want in life.
So, once again…I am retrieving for a bit. I am experiencing a lot of chaos around me. The external noises are as loud as the ones I visit at night in sleep or meditation. Something has to be done to slow it down. I write everyday and I feel I need to return to journaling and the simplicity of pen and paper. I find that in times of real healing and release it is the pen that shows me truth. It never fails since I was a little girl.
Find your center core. Time is in your favor…you get to decide how you move through these challenging times. Bring love and forgiveness to it. Let go of old should’ves and could’ves. You are here for a reason and it isn’t to punish yourself for past experiences. It isn’t to torture your soul for sins that pushed you to grow. Let that go and allow the new you emerge in peace. But, please, if you can’t find someone to talk to I am here. Email me…I will check periodically dharma.1111@hotmail.com.
I love you…
Millie

Crossing Over

Yesterday I visited my sweet 96 year old who is barely there. She has been transitioning for weeks. She is all bones. When I got to her room with the med tech she was wrapped in several blankets. I spoke loudly to let her know I was there. I asked how she was feeling and she said she was waiting to go see the Good Lord. So I said loudly, “Go darling! It’s time. Go! You can dance and play with Him!”

Her roommate who is much younger, but has progressive dementia yells, “I wanna go. I want to go where she’s going!”

“No, sweetheart, it’s not your time. You can’t go where she’s going at this time. You go on a later date!”

My client started on her loop, “Don’t Rush me. I’m going as fast as I can. I have rivers to cross. I can’t get on the raft….” I touched her arm to calm her state of confusion.

Her roommate started yelling, “I wanna go where she’s going too. I know how to swim.”

The med tech looks at me with a scorn look and says, “See what you started?” We both smiled.

I heard someone come into her room in a wheelchair and the elderly patient was ready to also go on the field trip to wherever my client was going!

When you give consent and wishes to loved ones to go be with the Good Lord please be sure no one else is ready to join them. Seems there are rivers to cross and not enough room on the raft.

Speaking Truth

I have had time to process this past weekend’s retreat experience. I suspect that within all the intense energies swirling lately I will be processing even deeper. I have released something powerful. Magical doesn’t begin to describe it.

Truth.

Spirituality is birthed through it. We are awakened by it. We are created to honor it. We expand in its presence.

I’ve spoken truth. Painful as it was I said it out loud. It was received without judgement. It was held in another person’s hands full of forgiveness and divine love. My heart felt the brokenness receive light through small actions of pure love and acceptance.

Cause…I’ve lied and cheated and participated in some sinful human experiences. I have carried it for decades searching for redemption. We all make mistakes, especially when you are young. Unfortunately, in the same intensity and depth of passion that I love I also, tenaciously, hold myself accountable. Passionately loathing things I’ve done while feeling that I’ve hurt another. I didn’t even realize the punishment I was doing to myself. Such horrific injustice wasting nights creating stories on how to ask for forgiveness. I wasn’t aware of the weight. Passion carries through everything I do so it’s painful when the energy is toxic, stagnant and sabotaging to my soul. Cellular memories hold things forever until we truly let go completely.

I starts with truth.

Releasing and forgiveness are powerful. I had been able to surrender so much in my life. But there was one thing that no matter how much I tried, how much therapy I got, or how many letters I wrote would not let go. I required those secrets to be faced in person.

My passionate heart needed to be holding that person in front of me. I needed to look into her eyes and say the words out loud. I needed to feel her. Even if she didn’t resonate with me I needed to take accountability for my actions. I needed to say, “I am sorry. I am deeply sorry for hurting you….”

I am blessed to have had the most cathartic and healing experience ever. Let’s face it we are our own worst enemy. We harbor shame and guilt while feeding it with self loathing. Most often it’s done in a subconscious level. We aren’t even aware of it until something brings it up. And then again we harbor the pain, unable to let it go. We return to memories like a time machine but unable to make changes for those experiences (the same experiences that provided growth).

Forgiveness is not just for another. It is for the self. In the process of asking for it we are surrendering to spirit. We are allowing the universe to sacredly create holiness through those experiences. Every action brings with it a reaction. In truth we are recreating from love.

The stories we create are painful. This is why sharing with full vulnerability is healing. The moment we speak up the darkness and shame loses power.

This weekend I was among angels. I was exposed to love and forgiveness through stories. So I ask you to please make amends with your past. Find a way to do it through a letter, a touch, or however your soul asks. Just do it! Don’t keep putting it off.

Once truth comes out you will ask yourself why you waited so long? You will feel a sense of remorse for not letting it go sooner. And you will laugh. Because that will begin to also help heal those raw wounds. Joy will replace guilt in no time.

We don’t have to be present in front of the ones we’ve hurt but it sure helps when the person is there to hear it.

Thank you, my dear sweet woman. You know who you are. You have allowed me to see me completely while seeing you. You allowed me to witness my own reflection in the love you have returned. I am able to feel love that I rejected because I thought I was not a good person. In your immense faith I, too, have acquired more. I love you. I love me. And in the process I love us.

Beautiful Retreat

Another delicious retreat came and went in Fort Lauderdale, Florida. This one was personally a growing expansion for me. Transformational. It allowed me to visit a giant monster in a closet that needed extermination.

Fifteen women shared space. We laughed. We cried. We heard intimate stories of hurt, shame, guilt and love. We had healing sessions, laughfests, cooked together, sang, and released intense energies.

We played. We loved. We hugged. We fed our souls and bodies. We had some mystical encounters that need no logical explanations.

The past can crawl in and out through the darkest places of our souls. We aren’t without sins. We are stitched together because of them. It’s important to understand that in groups we can accomplish much. In presence of love and acceptance we begin to shift awareness. Safe spaces full of love are created for these moments.

Hospitality is not about entertaining. Hospitality is an attitude of opening up your life so others can come in and join. It is about allowing love and kindness to flow through that space of sharing and being in the present moment with others. And when this happens it is magical!

I am blessed to have been in a sacredness of love and compassion. I have been blessed to witness no judgment or criticism for being raw and vulnerable. I am blessed for the love and support that grows from sharing. I love each and every one of these women.

Thank you for allowing me to be in your lives. Wow! I’m entering this year with the most yummy feeling of freedom. Returning home was coming to a new place of peace and acceptance.