Category: Essay

Being a Giver

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This morning at the light coming out of my little girl’s school a woman was turning in when another cut her off from the other direction. The woman was in front of me blocking the intersection and she was beyond angry. She was yelling profanities to the lady who turned in. Her windows were up but her hand gestures and mouth movements were irate. She had two kids in the backseat. I felt horrible for them.

I wanted to put my car on park and go knock on her window, force her out of her car and give her a hug. But we now live in a country that’s like the Wild West and I’ve become cautious of who may be carrying a weapon.

I immediately felt her anger. The situation just pushed it out. I felt her sadness and frustration. I saw her. I truly felt a break in my chest.

I stopped at the Starbucks with my little boy on my way into work. And by the time I got to the counter the sweet barista had his favorite treat and my chai ready. She had seen me in the parking lot.

I sobbed. There…at the counter…I let go of whatever I was holding on from experiencing the woman’s anger. I reached over and gave the barista a hug. I felt broken and I couldn’t compose myself.

Because we are caring and compassionate, we get to live in full awareness of the goodness.

When we are in a state of anger, hatred and panic we experience more of that.

I got to witness the duality from one extreme to another within minutes.

Now hours later I am still thinking of that middle-aged mama having a tantrum and meltdown for a car going in her spot for one minute.

We all have moments of falling down. The collective is feeling the heaviness. But I truly believe that in spite of what we see and hear about our country, and the world, things are shifting. Love is changing the energy. Just like that barista taking care of me before I even entered the place. We are seeing one another. We are caring enough to stop and reach for hearts.

And I choose to see love. I choose to give all of my compassion without expectancy. I choose to continue reaching for hearts while creating a revolution called LOVE.

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The Magic of Perspective

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What we see and how we interpret it determines how we live our lives. We accept and understand from the level of our experiences. This is why we are all coming from different levels of awareness. The lens of intaking information and processing are always shifting.

Many years ago I took this picture of my husband as we were hiking. The picture captured a completely different perspective of what I was experiencing. Was my reality wrong? Was he entering a portal and I didn’t see it with my naked eyes? My eyes saw what I could understand which were leaves through a beautiful forest. There are so many different views to everything around us…at all times.

We capture everything around us, including conversations, based on examples of past similarities.

We have the capacity of truly being mindful even when we disagree. We can see things differently and still love one another.

Perspective is ever changing. You can heal your past by seeing with different lenses. Darlings, allow yourself the ability to shift and heal based on what you want in the future and not old programming. You get to decide how you see the world around you, how you process information and how you utilize it for your life.

Make it magical. Open your eyes and your heart to find the divine around you.

I love you.

Stories that Connect Us

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Today I heard a story that cracked me wide open. It was one of those stories of loss, grief, and survival that lingered all day. I sat with the soul who shared and wept as she shared memories of her deceased son. I held her hand and, together in the silence, we held space for each other.

I had nothing of words to share. All I could do was give my love through the energy of touch. I loved her deeply. I felt her pain. I felt her emptiness. I felt her soul. I also felt her love.

I heard her forgiveness as she processed the loss, while questioning God for taking him. She went through the layers of grief and I could feel her release. Her body began to surrender.

It was powerful. It was truly an honor to witness her bloom. She was coming out of muck into something that she didn’t recognize.

I am forever moved by the human spirit and the millions of stories that connect us. There are stories within stories that teach us to dig in the depth of our own humanity. We either learn while evolving spiritually or stay stagnant and live in a hell of emotional imprisonment. There is no in between when it comes to these empathetic connections.

I find myself holding space for myself during these times. I step back and count the blessings with the Divine. All that is loss moves through pain while holding on to the past. All that is gained moves through love and forgiveness in acceptance of what is now. The awareness is always there but our perception isn’t always so clear. We are thrown into the flux of human emotion as we forget our spiritual journey. Once we set humanness aside and return to spirit we are aligning again with truth. We become aware of who we are. The grief doesn’t disappear. We are able to accept, visit with it, and move through it…until next time. We no longer wear it as a shield as not to get hurt ever again.

And this is why we must share with others. This is why the stories must be told. What you experience may just be someone’s life jacket to keep going.

We expand. We aren’t merely surviving. We are living. We are here to truly evolve through love and letting go. We are here to walk the sacred journey until we are not. What we do with our time is truly mystical. We are asked to just show up and allow for the mysterious to unfold.

I love you.

Embrace Your Gifts

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I had some sweet gifts as a little girl from the age of four. My mother didn’t know what to do with me when speaking to our dead ancestors. She took me to a spiritualist on the island to get whatever was inside of me out. When that didn’t work she took me to a psychologist. She demanded I stop the nonsense.

So I did. I stopped it for decades. It caused anxiety. It gave me migraines. I was so stumped that my energy was toxic…to myself.

Finally when I moved to these mountains of Western North Carolina, leaving an old life behind, the “gifts”began to unfold. I was in my early 40’s.

I ran to a therapist and asked her to test me to see if I was schizophrenic. I knew I must be. My mother, who had long passed, kept those insecurities alive. I was blessed to have a therapist who allowed me to embrace the “openings and expansions.”

I wasn’t crazy. Okay…maybe a little loonie but not in a harmful way. I am eccentric. 😝

See, my darlings, you aren’t bat-shit crazy when you clearly feel and see and sense other realms. You are gifted. Stop being afraid of what others think. I struggled with that all my life.

I love you. Embrace your individuality with your spiritual body. This is your superpower. Use it to help light the world. You’ve got this!

What is

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Some folks come in and highlight past triggers. They push the dark emotions up and about. In my case I get a few who remind me of my mother and how judgmental and controlling she was. I revert into the little girl. I find myself avoiding confrontations. Then I step back and realize the unhealed parts of my inner child.

I embrace it. I become aware of the role they are playing. That doesn’t mean I attack the person triggering me. It doesn’t mean I am nasty or passive aggressive. It doesn’t mean anything because it’s not about them. It’s about me and how I allow the energy to show up.

I get to decide how I perceive things. I get to choose what I allow and what I release. People are amazing teachers. I am always asking what is this person teaching me? What is the message here?

What I am learning is that when we don’t heal those parts of ourselves we are opened to the teachers coming in more frequently. Until we forgive and set appropriate boundaries those lessons will keep showing up. Until we learn from them we cannot graduate to something else.

So stop and detect. Breathe through the moments without reacting. Allow the present moment to dictate instead of the past. You can’t change what happened back there. You can, however, change what happens now.

We have choices every single day to show up and not overthink. We are always evolving. We aren’t stuck in any one stage. It’s an ongoing journey. There is no good or bad…only a perspective of how we view the world.

Marriage is Loving Work

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I adore my husband.

He loves me.

Not in the way he says it. In the way he cares for our children. In the way he does things when he doesn’t know I’m watching. In the way he makes breakfast when he’s exhausted on a Saturday morning. Or the way he tells me to leave them with him so I can go run errands. In that he runs me a warm bath (and feeds the kids) because I’m in severe pain after work. In the way he tucks me in after he’s tucked our little girl. In the way he gets my favorite foods and drinks. He loves me in spite of my idiosyncrasies or woo-woo-ness. He loves me when I’m heavy or shed the weight. Whether I have red or purple hair. Even if I am a hot mess. He loves me because he found that my love for him will move mountains. He has felt my admiration and profound affection. He has seen what love looks like and it came dressed as a short-middle-aged Puerto Rican woman who doesn’t always speak perfect English (and she’s not Scarlet Johansson)!

Marriage isn’t perfect. We work at it. Some days more than others. Some months with anger, exhaustion, and annoyance. We forgive. We work at it when we are levelheaded, or when we allow space for other shit to surface. It’s not easy. It’s having a long term roommate. It is a constant work in progress. We continue to work through our baggages from past relationships. In all our years we’ve had maybe a handful of arguments. We are sarcastic and humorous. We both have sick killer wits. We are silly and loving. We compliment each other because huge opposites do attract. We can share deep conversations about the world and still not feel attacked with our differences. He’s a warrior and I’m a love-pacifist. But we both have similar beliefs.

He has become a father to children who aren’t ours. He has shown up to be the most attentive dad to them. He never (for one moment) has regretted it or wished it was different. And if there are more to take in I know he’s the first to grab a bag and go get them. There is a partnership with all of us in our home. It starts with commitment and working through so much of our human crap at times. Our egos sometimes take leadership but we are blessed to call each other on it even if we get butt hurt for a moment.

I never ever thought I would ever marry again or be in a committed relationship. It was not in my life goals or desires. I just wanted someone to be around and do things with, head to a movie, hike, and have fun. I got a lot more than that. He trusts my intuition and when I speak of our future together he rarely disputes on how the messages show up or how I am manifesting our next project.

And if I, or the kids, were in any kind of trouble, or someone messes with us, I feel sorry for that person. He’s not only our bodyguard… he’s a true galactic warrior at heart. He would do anything for us. I never had that before. I was never shown what true commitment looked like. I had nothing to model. My eldest son always says he is a man of chivalry and admires him for it.

So if you have this please do whatever it takes to keep it. Make sure you let the bad days come and go. Allow for them. They make for excellent lessons. Put down your insecurities (which is hard at times). Fight for what you love, who you love and what is yours. Love isn’t wrapped in perfection. It comes in the most fascinating and strangest of ways. This man saw something in me that I never saw in myself. And he continues to show me the many aspects of my personality through his perspective. I get to witness his own soul growing and expanding into a magical loving knight.

Celebrate the Temporary

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There are things I have stopped doing because of time limitations. I used to send cards in the mail to friends. I loved doing it. The act of writing a short note made me so happy, but down time now fulfills me more. I am stretched at times between long hours at work and family. Even the thought of entertaining during the weekend becomes a chore (which I love as well).

Yesterday one of the volunteer grammas in the classroom said something and I told her that nothing lasts forever. Things come and go. She used the perfect phrase at the moment of hearing this: “celebrate the temporary.”

Being in the moment of what is can free up the guilt and shame of not being able to do what you have been programmed to believe that you have to keep doing. If this means letting go of sending greeting cards for now…then be it. If it means not visiting with loved ones…it’s not forever. If it means letting the laundry pile up or the dust bunnies take over for just a little bit longer…it’s okay.

Our addiction to busyness is excessive. It’s sickening and exhausting. Nothing lasts infinitely except how you perceive things. You get to shift that thought process. This is the art of living mindfully while celebrating the temporary. Celebrate the now and give it your best. Tomorrow things may change. The job will not demand so much. The debts may be paid off. The illness may turn to full health. The situations and challenges will evolve. They might not be how you wanted or expected but they will change. Life is fluid. It’s made of eternal fluxes of movements.

Look back at all the crap you’ve survived. Here you are. Right now. Celebrate that! Let go of what you think you should be doing and feel what you are living in the moment.

I love you!

(Note: this meme says so much about how we always feel the need to explain ourselves to others. DO NOT! That simple).