The Monk

I knew a monk. An ex-monk. He was a father to one of my daughter’s friend. Before I knew he was a monk I thought he was a saint. His daughter (and mine) both have mental disabilities. Even though they were 14 years old at the time they acted like 8 year olds with no sense of stability or safety. And when they got together it was challenging but I wanted her to have the same experiences as her siblings.

We would alternate visits. And each time I met him I was immediately calmed and collected. He was a sanctuary just by standing in front of me.

One day I asked for the secret. I had 6 kids all under 16 years in one house. Four of them with special needs. So he shared that he had been a monk in South America for many years, way before meeting his wife. And apparently, from my observations, he was still very monk like. He never lost that.

“When you no longer label the problem or situation, it dissipates. It has no power over you.”

“Your awareness is your reality.”

“Do not focus on the negative because you will continue receiving more of it. Focus on this moment of gratitude….”

There were so many messages.

This was over 15 years ago. But lately I am remembering a lot of the small lessons he would share with me. At the time I truly didn’t quite grasp his wisdom. I was stricken by constant anxiety believing I would never be a good enough mother to my kids. I ran a business with my ex that was extremely stressful. And we had money, and lots and lots of worries about all we owned. The more we made the more we bought and then worked like animals to sustain it.

There was no peace. There was zero spiritual awareness of what was important. We were lost in the material world and its worth. My ex needed a lot. And my life was centered around the children and his high-maintenance attitude.

When the monk would visit to get his daughter, or I would get her from his house, I felt a common energy flow of pure peace. There was the complete essence of now. Even with how difficult his daughter was at times.

I needed it. I would try and buy it. I did it all in order to sustain it. I wanted that peace and I would read about it. Study it. And chased after it with a vengeance. I was determined to find it in every religion and doctrine. In theory I became an expert on philosophy and how to attain peace.

Ha ha ha. And I never found it in those movies or books or talks.

It isn’t until you lose all that you think (and believe) you need that inner peace is truly birthed. That was a powerful lesson years later for me. And the wisdom began to visit through the nothingness. It began to reshape my spirit. I had to stop labeling and analyzing every single thing in my life.

Logic went out the window. Mysticism began to lead. Oh…and the magic that appeared in believing and allowing!

Today I remembered the monk dressed in his Bermuda shorts and polo shirts always ready to be in complete sacred presence.

I aspire for more of that in my life…Pure mindfulness and presence with all beings who share space with me. I aspire to love and be a messenger of love whenever the opportunity arises.

We need more of that calmness and sacredness now in our lives. In our country. In our world. We have been given a chance to move inward in the midst of chaos and uncertainties. Powerful times encourage and build lessons.

Thank you for your presence here joining me daily through your words and wisdom. The amount of sages on my social media feeds are delicious. We are all aspiring for peace, love and the inner light of grace.

Climb the Mountain

We move and make decisions based on experiences and our personal level of awareness. I cannot ask others to help me when they have not experienced the challenges. And believe me, everyone has an opinion the moment you make things public. During these times I marvel at the level of awareness in our society. Everyone starts to tell you how you need to live based on what they’ve experienced, what they’ve researched and whatever else feeds their perspective. People are moved through fear in most cases. They enter a loop of beliefs and cannot let them go. And then it’s transposed on to our human spirit. During challenging times this all gets magnified and sent out to the collective.

It can be destructive. And it can also be a positive outlet. It’s up to you to decide. Your higher self leads the way. It is your internal GPS. It knows truth. It begins to guide you to continue trekking.

Every mountain you choose to climb begins with small steps. If you go too fast you start to feel the unhealthy pressure and lack of breath. You allow fear to take over in that momentum. The tinnier the steps the more endurance you accumulate. It might take longer but to climb a high mountain you need to truly be mindful of your life substance… your breath. You have to continue the self pep talks. You must believe in yourself beyond anything else. You must listen to you and what you feel is truth.

Here is the world’s greatest opportunity to come from a place of love and compassion. To come from a place of trusting yourself. To allow the unknown to be just that while you work on yourself.

GO Climb your mountains. Regardless how others react. Go after your goals in spite of the naysayers. Take chances. Pick a path along the journey even when there are a million deviations. Believe whatever makes YOU happy. Keep climbing. Keep breathing. Keep focusing on what you want.

You get this giant pause to work on your life. It might feel like everything will never be the same. But neither are you.

Your life is a blessing made up of so many magical moments. Don’t allow anyone to instill their shit on you. Ever! You begin to create the life you desire the moment you put on those hiking boots and start walking towards your purpose. The higher your purpose the more people will try to pull you down. It’s all a game and you get to decide how you participate.

You can do anything you want. I promise. But start with your inner awareness and full heart belief. Love yourself enough to turn the impossible into possible.

Lessons from a Pandemic

I’ve learned invaluable lessons during these last 6 weeks of staying home about myself and my family:

I have more patience than I give myself credit for.

I have a horrid-wicked-twisted sense of humor when I am not busy with my own stuff. I have to water it down!

I have accepted that I am not a teacher…nor ever want to be. And I respect educators so much. Now more than ever before.

I avoid lots of emotional shit until I don’t and then it comes out in a massive wave of release. And, boy, have I released beyond words. I’ve let go of triggers and traumas because I haven’t been able to run from them.

I don’t need much. All those trips to Home Goods and Target were to fill an emptiness. I haven’t stepped into either place in more than 6 weeks and I am fine with it.

My kids are excellent emotional button pushers. And, I have learned to truly return to the present moment with them because they, too, are experiencing a different routine. Now the routine has become normal. They are my biggest teachers.

We love the outdoors. I have given so much love to the yard for the first time since we bought this house a year and a half ago. I am learning to be gentle out there and watch spring as it’s blooming everywhere. I, too, am blossoming.

My oldest son is staying here from New York and our conversations in the evenings have been priceless. There is nothing sweeter than having stimulating conversations with your grown children. When my own thoughts come out of his mouth I get giddy. It’s been the first time in 12 years since we’ve been together longer than a week at a time during holidays.

I am grateful. I have learned that I am truly happy with my life (on most days) even when the young kids take the piss out of me. I am grateful for my husband still having a job and putting his life in danger out there.

My spirituality took a giant blow for three or four weeks during this. I questioned everything and, at the same time, nothing at all. I felt numbed and disconnected. I couldn’t feel the other realm. And, then I did and it’s come back with such depth.

I have learned to stop speculating. I’ve stopped reading things that triggered me on social media. I rarely watch the news. I won’t entertain things that hit my spiritual truth and knowing.

I marvel at it all. Six weeks have been a gift of their own. I know many have lost loved ones. I know the risks taken with each breath out there. I know that I know nothing about what will happen in the upcoming months.

I have reached out to those who I’ve missed but was too busy to talk to. We’ve connected again through amazing increments of time.

Being home has never felt safer. It has never felt warmer. This has been a giant pause for me. I have done very little with my writing, or creativity (other than yard work) and I have learned to be okay with it.

All that I could have done with this time has gone into raising a small family. It’s been a delightful gift to do this fully and mindfully…until I get to bed with exhaustion. But, it has been lovely to learn so much about me at this age.

I had a birthday during this time. I celebrate my birthday all 30 days of April. This year it hasn’t been like that. I haven’t had me time in weeks. But, that also has brought tremendous awareness. Fifty-two years have come and this one I will never forget.

I am certain there are many other lessons I can’t remember at this time. I am healing. It’s never ending. I am excited to see what’s on the other side of this.

What have you learned? What has this PAUSE brought for you and your family?

Mucho love…Millie

Love is What Saves Us

My son and I were working outside in the yard yesterday evening. He’s axing away at a tree. I’m clearing a heavily dense area into what will be a secret garden. I’m tired and sweaty.

The silence breaks with him, “Mom, you are doing an amazing job with my sister’s kids. You are raising them to be loving and healthy children.”

“Baby, where is this coming from?” I asked because it took me by surprise.

“You have to wait for them to go to bed in order to come out here and work on what you love to do which is nature. You sacrifice a little bit of you to help them survive. They are constant. They don’t give you a chance to breathe during the day (he giggles). I know this is not what you had in mind at this time of your life when we were all gone….”

I interrupt and stop pulling at the earth. Breathing heavily, I sit on the ground next to him feeling defeated. “Nelson, I truly don’t think I’m doing the best job for them or for me. Your sister was hard because of all her mental issues. They have so much of her running through their blood. I’m not the same woman I was then or have the same amount of energy….”

“You are better.” He stops clearing the tree and sits next to me, “You are giving them life. They would be dead with her. You and Matt have created a foundation and loving home. And you always say that love is all we need. They are a LOT. I admit that it’s overwhelming at times but they truly love you so much. They are smart and they are constantly challenging you and the world around them.”

He hugs me. I shed a few tears. Mostly of gratitude for recognition.

That was the pause needed to just finish for the day. It was getting dark. My body ached but I felt great to have done so much with his help in a couple of hours.

This second act at mothering children is different. It’s conscious parenting. It’s a lot harder than before. It’s also a lot easier than before. These children are thriving and I have zero expectations for them except that they feel loved. I’m trusting they continue to find the magic in the world and give love to it.

And that they are.

When my 31 year old recognizes the journey it does make it special. He’s been here five weeks…the longest time he’s spent with them. We spoke a bit more. He was kind and loving and full of insight. The adult in him acknowledges the adult in me.

Walking back to the house the earth seemed to sink us into it with gratitude for tending to her on Earth Day. At that moment I thanked the greatest mother of all…Gaia…and all the lessons she teaches me.

You Perceive Through Experiences

Yesterday in the kitchen my oldest son shared a few messages from his friends for me. Then we got into an in-depth conversation that his friends (in their 30’s) are feeling blah. There is a funky lethargic energy. I told him that even with all this extra time people aren’t feeling motivated. He agreed. He said that this should be the time we should be really diving into artistic creativity, but it isn’t happening for many.

There is a sense of nothingness and uncertainty. People feel as if they are moving through Dooms Day. Others as if they are being controlled.

We can motivate and inspire a million times over but until this is over not many will feel it. It’s easier to be numbed out. The little bit that’s asked of us is a lot at times. Even as simple as staying put and social distancing. We are not made to isolate. And this is why so many folks are struggling.

Yet, there are those who are able to do and move through this. We are being asked to sit with the unknown and trust. We are being told one thing and experiencing others.

Follow your knowing. I don’t care how many people tell you to look at things their way, if it doesn’t resonate you do not have to follow it. You are your best judge of character.

Stay safe. Stay in your truth. If you are motivated…yay. If you are not… yay. Your soul knows what it needs. Be gentle with yourself.

Fifth Week of Lessons

Fifth week of quarantine has taught me a lot. I am not the same person who entered this crisis.

At first there was release. Old traumas triggered and healed. There was so much old hurt that showed up and I didn’t even process why until weeks later.

Then came anger, disappointments and short fuse syndrome over everything. Denial and acceptance showed up a lot. Sadness would follow with grace. I cried a lot. I was in a fog. It was not pretty to feel it all and be in the midst of darkness. Forgiveness was the mother experience in all of it. It actually lifted the fog.

Every emotion has been deeply felt the last few weeks. I became spiritually detached. It rattled the core of me. I somehow had disconnected from Source and couldn’t get back to my center. Then last week it stopped. It all came full circle. I felt my heart cracking open and accepting. I understood what I didn’t understand. I know not to know anything and it is okay. I accept this being this at this moment in time.

There is something to all of it on a huge cosmic level. My dreams aren’t dreams but incredible travels elsewhere. And I marvel at the opportunity to bring back lessons from other lifetimes. When I close my eyes at night I get to go and come back with deep peace and awareness.

But, I also know that as weeks go by the collective will be in a lot of turmoil. There is heaviness in the world. There is sadness and anger. Every person is undergoing their own growth. There is a rainbow of shitty emotions going on that weigh each of us down. There is no pot of gold ahead for many. Folks ask what I asked in the beginning, “What the hell is my purpose now?”

Our purpose is to rise up and join a higher frequency. We can’t fight dark forces with darkness. We must light the path and lift the fog.

I’ve decided to shift my perception and mindfully return to love every single time I get into that head space. I don’t have to know about tomorrow. I only need to be here now.

My home is sacred. My family is too. I am willing to participate in this giant awakening experiment because obviously I chose this time in history to be here. I will not be shaken by what I read or see or hear. I understand that love is the vehicle, for me, at this time.

How are you feeling after all these weeks? What are you learning?

Taking it One Day at a Time

The wind was wicked all night long in this corner of the mountains. Children slept. We all slept. It was a rare night indeed. But sometime during the middle of the night the wind took over. It is still howling and it forces me to return to my own breath. It allows me to return to this moment.

I begin to understand again. I return to my remembering:

Who you are today is a compilation of every past experience. And, you are nothing of what you will be tomorrow. That’s the beautiful mysticism of understanding the evolution of the soul… especially during these times.

We’ve never been here before. What a journey this is for each of us. For our planet. For our soul evolution.

You are the universe embodied in a human vehicle. You are a zillion cells and infinite years old. Things change every second. I urge you to pay attention.

I’ve been wealthy. I’ve been poor. I’ve been a follower. I’ve been a teacher. I’ve been an avid student. I been a mother. I’ve been a wife and a lover. I’ve been angry and happy and lost and found. I’ve been broken and pasted back together mending in my private times. None of those labels will define my tomorrow because I am ever changing…but they have defined the soul I’ve become at this moment. Every single challenge and experience has molded me. It’s never the end. We are semicolons pausing and quickly beginning a new phase. Every single day.

Just as the sun rising and the night returning…You get to restart and reinvent yourself over and over. It’s a divine privilege. It’s your human right.

So don’t let the stress of tomorrow overshadow the sacredness of presence now. You will never be this young again. You will continue to grow in spirit and the moment you become aware of your power life will begin to shift.

I love you. Be present. Make it a point to stop, have a conscious breath, and taste your life for what it is. Whether it’s good or bad it is your life. And you can change it whenever you accept that this is not a prison life sentence. It is truly a magical experience of endless proportions.