Back to Peace

This week I struggled in a way that feels foreign to me. I couldn’t find grounding. Monday I took a leave of absence from my job and drove to Florida. It was a hard four days there. I kept coming out of my skin. And yet, I kept reminding myself to be. “Be in this moment. Allow for the discomfort and just be without judgment.”

I did. I have. Sometimes failing miserably. I kept returning to years ago when I had several children with severe mental health issues all under one roof. I forgot a lot of it. Until this week.

Tuesday I spent part of the day with my daughter supporting her as she lost another child. I sat in gratitude that the baby never went home with her. I sat in the knowing that the baby is safe. I sat. That’s all I did with her was sit.

My daughter was happy, initially, knowing I was on my way. And then that moment was clouded by the reality that I was on my way which meant she was going to have to own up to her stuff. Or not!

The navigation of it all is daunting. I had forgotten how difficult it is with her. I know nothing. I am having to keep my little one, her first daughter, away from her…leaving her with my mother in-law as I moved into another compartmentalized mode. It all becomes a massive puzzle of what I can and cannot do moment by moment with my daughter. She’s an adult. A stubborn one. She’s dangerous in the way her mind works.

Tuesday was f*cking hard! It wasn’t just witnessing her lack of mental capacity to understand it all. It was the legalities and feeling through the sadness. It was the attitude she carries as if she’s owed something and in no way holds herself accountable. She is nasty and vicious and hurtful. And she hurts because she’s hurt. Her demeanor is one of the most challenging ones I’ve ever encountered.

By the time the afternoon rolled around I was exhausted. I drove back to my in-laws sobbing in the car. I had my guard up for a few hours and I felt I had depleted all of me. She refuses help. She rather be homeless. She refuses assistance for her mental health. She won’t get on birth control. And I know all of this well. I see it in my job. But, shit, when it’s your own kid it tears every fiber inside. I love her. I love her so much and because of that love I have to stay away from her. She will shred that love and use it to manipulate in order to get whatever she feels she deserves.

I am reminded of her strength and determination. I am reminded of mine. No matter what I say it’s not sufficient. And that’s okay. This is her journey. We all have one.

It’s a lot. It’s too much. The energy choked me but I allowed for my spiritual truth to guide us both. My emotions are still surfing sacred water this weekend. I am lead by divinity. I am lead by love.

It will be alright. Both new babies are safe. She will continue to do what she does. I must be a tower of certainty and responsibility while she navigates through her own mind of chaos. She will figure it out in her own manner: A mind that will never see the world the same way most people see it.

All I am asked to do is just be in this moment. Everyday. I returned home last night. A twelve hour drive with a four year old is always challenging. She did great. And my heart today is tender but I’m home. I’m at ease and I’m back to peace.

May you find peace within as well!

You don’t get to leave here alive!

light on person

We as humans tend to beat ourselves up for things we’ve done in the past. We carry embarrassment, guilt and memories like a giant sack of potatoes across continents on our backs. Every so often we sit the sack down and let things go to no sooner pick it right back up with regrets, anger, resentments, and shame. Oh…that beautiful word called shame. No one seems to be exempt from it. We feed it, hate it, and give power to it above everything else at times. We create plays and dramatic events with Shame as the protagonist and the antagonist. It’s a one-man show!

The reality is that we all do stupid things. We all have had moments of carelessness, irresponsible behaviors, and absolutely no regard for our psyche. I have done things that have questioned my moral compass in the past. I have lied, cheated, drank way too much, taken drugs, slept with people I don’t even know their names, and have taken the most disgusting attitude condemning myself for it. I have self-sabotaged myself and relationships because I haven’t felt lovable or good enough. I had no value to my greatness for being alive. But see, the past is gone. I don’t live there anymore. Being on a spiritual path for the past few years has allowed me to let go of the shame and guilt for things that brought me here. I went from that point to this point. I wouldn’t change a thing. Being promiscuous, especially when dealing with a rape I didn’t address for 18 years, is one of those things that I’ve had to accept and let go. I don’t recall the fun in it now but I know that at the time it was an addiction of sorts. I did what I did on the down low without a single person knowing it. I purposely used sex and alcohol as an escape as well as a punishment. For years after my escapades I became numb with my partner. He went off to do his cheating and I didn’t do anything but excuse it as “I deserve this. Years ago I did this. Now it’s his turn.” Imagine the messed up psychological process behind it all. Imagine the stories I carried just because I thought I was not worth anything better!

My children, especially when I acquired all six of them, forced me to love harder. They took me out of my own existence and learned to love unconditionally. It was powerful. I still carried those sacks of regrets around the world but couldn’t focus on them as much because I had others depending on me. Self-sabotaging wasn’t soever present when they were growing up. I had no time for the nonsense. There were moments of doubts, depression, sadness, lack of worth, no self love…and always lurking in the distance the shame for not being a good human being. But, I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I was born to be a mother and that kept me going. I could love another like no one’s business. That, I could do and I was good at it. For the first time in my life I had something to give that didn’t require my past. My expectations of humanity were on the right track.

Ah…those expectations of being “a good human.” Who makes this up? Who determines our worth? Who says we are good or bad? Religion, politics, some council in the sky…I don’t know. I don’t know why we judge and criticize others based on what we truly don’t follow or understand. Our lesson here is to live and learn and evolve. How can we understand another when we don’t accept all that we are: the flaws, the mistakes, the wrong decisions…. We ARE humans. Humans get to mess up, hurt, hate, judge and criticize all they want…the problem is when it is done towards another without accepting their own imperfections.  Fear allows us to stay stagnant because what we don’t know we cannot accept.

If you want to live a life of authentic power you have got to let go of that sack. Drop it!!! Drop it right now. Stop punishing yourself. Stop the victimization. Stop the martyr-ship. Stop the insane self-sabotaging. Stop replaying the past. Aren’t you here because of it? Aren’t you evolving? Stop judging, projecting, criticizing others because of your own crap. You get to determine what happens now.

The other day when I visited a homeless shelter to drop off clothes and food I came across a young man. He was no older than my eldest son. He was lying on the cold gravel without a shirt and some raggedy shorts sucking on a candy. I asked him something and he was nasty. I remained kind with a “thank you.” He apologized. I asked if he needed anything and he replied that he was fine. He wasn’t fine. He was fractured, broken in pieces, and full of himself lying on a giant sack of shame. The rage, anger, and self hatred could be seen from the moon. I cannot judge this soul. I would have to condemn my own past and the times I thought I deserved nothing more than to live on the streets.  I could just as well been this guy, or the prostitute on the next street, or the drug addict down that same road.

What constitutes being human? What makes us good and lovable and righteous? What did I do to make the right choices? I believe I had good people who cared and showed me their love. In the end love has a lot to do with our choices in life. We all want love and appreciation. The lost and hopeless seem to have forgotten what those things are. I am always deeply touched by this lack of knowledge. We all deserve love, forgiveness, and acceptance. We are all part of this crazy and yummilicious human race.

Do yourself a favor…stop the self-sabotaging. Drop the past. Start today. You are beating yourself up for no reason but as punishment for what happened to you. You got raped, molested, beaten, abused, and whatever atrocity happened to you…guess what…here you are! Your parents didn’t love you or loved you too much and over-protected you. You got your ass beaten everyday for no apparent reason but because you were there. You lost all your belongings and monetary valuables. You lost your job. You got sick. You lost a limb, a breast, or whatever else you’ve encountered through disease. You lost your hope, your way, and your pride. You are here and you made it through the shit storm. You made it through all the horrific events. I am proud of you. Oh my God…I AM so deeply proud of what you have done with your existence. You are breathing, you are surviving, you are existing here on this marvelous earth. You get to decide what you will do from here on. You cannot continue to blame your ex, your friends, your parents or anyone else.  Find something outside of you to sustain you like the wisdom of divinity, faith, belief or whatever you want to call it.  Stand in your glory and light. Embark in the mysteries and mysticism of this light. Do not allow Ego to dictate your worth. Do not allow the media and others to put a price on you. Get out of your own way. Stand up! Stand in gratitude for all that you’ve overcome. Own your part in your drama. Be responsible for it all but let it go. Let…IT…GOOOOOO! No one can do this for you. You get to decide what you carry around. Stop the insanity and start loving all that you have become. Whatever you don’t like…damn it…change it! You are not a tree rooted to the earth waiting for someone to move you. After all, sweetheart, no one gets out of here alive. Not even YOU! I love you.

8 things a rape at 18 taught me in my 40’s

letting go of pain

It took years for me to openly discuss the violation of what happened to me at 18 when a man grabbed me, placing a knife to my neck, breaking my panty hose, raising my skirt, and fisting me while licking my face with spit and saliva. It took years to get his smell off me, his words out of my head, and feel that my vagina and all its parts were not dirty. To this day I can still be transported back to that moment when I smell bad breath or tooth decay in someone but it doesn’t affect me the way it did for so long.

I was 36 years old when I finally said it out loud. “I was violently raped. I am not disgusting. I am not unlovable. I am a sexy woman who had an experience that ultimately changed her life.” Like millions of others I have decided not to use it as a weakness. I survived that and many other events in this lifetime. It was in my forties that I began to embrace the lessons rape taught me.

  1. I had female issues all of my life. I had horrific periods, cysts, and breast problems. I had my uterus removed at age 39. And, even though I was done with having children after raising six of them, I still felt a loss. I was less of a woman. I began to think of my vagina and counterparts as a monster. My womanhood was a curse rather than a blessing. I couldn’t make peace with my sexuality. In my forties I began to feel like I had never felt before. I left a destructive relationship of many years that had continued the emotional abuse and manipulation that the rape had started. I began to embrace the woman without all the stigma I had attached to my femininity. Wisdom comes with age.
  2. I am not my body. I began to find spirituality, self-love and acceptance. Somewhere in my forties I didn’t think of the rape. I no longer had nightmares waking up in a cold sweat seeing the cratered-face man with curly hair coming after me with a knife. My worst fear had already happened. I wouldn’t attract that kind of behavior ever again through a constant fear based thought process. I would not be attracted to dominating narcissistic men. Whatever we give power and thought continues to unfold. We attract through fear.
  3. Something happens to people who have been abused: they begin to come across others. In my forties, after buying a retreat center with my best friend, I began to notice many women walking into our office with the same distinctive marking. I could tell by the body language that they had been molested or raped. There’s something left behind in an abused person. It’s a trademark that follows us around. Some people (men or women) allow the act to determine who they become. I have chosen to hold my head up high and not fear intimacy with anyone. The rape took my body, it destroyed my worth, but it also made me realize how compassionate people are with one another when I opened up.
  4. Rape is a physical act that heals but the mind shelters this and creates a victimization attitude. I am not a victim. I am a survivor. I shifted the perception of this violence. I also made sure that it did not lead my future relationships.
  5. I no longer use my body or my sexuality to entice someone. I didn’t really know what an intimate relationship was until my 40’s. It had less to do with sex and more to do with truth and openness. Making love was truly not a sexual moment but a transcending act between two souls.
  6. I forgave myself for what happened. For many years I believed that I got attacked because I was curious. I heard something fall behind the mail room in our office after hours on a Friday evening. I blamed myself for this curious gene until one day I came to realize that curiosity is not to be blamed. It happened. I survived. We are past this point of holding on to the past.
  1. Mind, body and spirit are united to carry us through everything we do in our time lines. The attacker was someone’s son. He once had a childhood. He was a miserable man who needed to take a woman’s power through abusive control. But, we will forever be connected because of that event. Our paths crossed through an inconceivable act and he might never think of that young woman exposed and raw but I have sent him love through many meditations when I feel my self-worth start to shake.
  1. Finally, I no longer walk around looking at everything around me. I am oblivious to my surroundings. I don’t think about it…I just move through life with a desire to love and enjoy others. I didn’t feel this in my 20’s or 30’s. I felt fragile even though I was strong and brave.

We all wear scars, some visibly while others deep seated inside our soul. Only we know of their existence. When we are ready to share with another the scars seem to heal slowly. Those scars are road maps to the past. They can guide us with strength onto the next journey. The scar from the violence at 18 sat in silence for too long. It wasn’t until I allowed the secret to come out that I began to heal. I choose not to play the role of victim but survivor. We all survive with dignity and carry those battle scars with pride, or we can play the martyr and victim creating a story for the rest of our life. There is nothing perfect in this world.

You are not your rape. No human being deserves the fear that lives after this atrocious event. The scars live inside. They heal. But, it’s up to you to truly let it go. Forgive yourself…forgive the person who stole a part of your essence. By forgiving the person you return to your power and authentic truth. You find purpose for living. They no longer have it. Also, there is no greater power than your word. Share with another. There’s no shame for what happened to you. I am a better person, courageous, and opened because of this act. Now in my late 40’s I realize how detrimental this crime was for me to become this woman. You are not your sex. You are your power.

Life is to be attended through the joy and contentment of this beautiful journey. In the end, those are the moments that will carry you through the path of least resistance. Find the balance between the past and the present. Today, you are magnificent because of the challenges, atrocities, and scars.

Freeing Through Forgiveness

freedom

Fear paralyzes us. It holds us captive and imprisons everything we know to be true. I read somewhere that without fear there is no courage. But when you are stricken by panic and despair it’s really difficult to see bravery. I woke this morning to the sound of a world waking up. My night engulfed me with terror and nightmares. Now, listening to the birds and life I realize that other life has no hold on me any longer. I cannot understand who I was then. I cannot relate to all the acceptance of abuse. The woman I am now has no clue how I lived in that fear for so long. I just don’t know why I didn’t move forward and abandoned it. I didn’t know better. I didn’t know how. I felt the aches and pains of loneliness and responsibilities. Shame and guilt lived simultaneously drowning me to an early grave. In the middle of the night I woke in a cold sweat. I gathered my thoughts, my tears, and desperately tried to control the running of my heart. I couldn’t breathe. And softly within minutes I heard the words, “Fear not! Fear is Forgiving Everything, Acknowledging Release.”

I am who I am because of each story inside of me. Each single event led me here. I have courage, tenacity, perseverance, and a forgiving heart. The conscious mind will replay these events during sleep to clear out old hurt, make aware of new patterns, and to let go of those things we don’t always remember. Our memories store everything. I move through days without knowing what is inside of my cellular memory…until I have a horrific night and I return to a place of pain, abuse, belittling, and no self-worth.

Aha! Moments are built on these principles. Just like that I have learned to release. And, just like that I will continue to move forward. Freedom is on the other side of thoughts. I have learned to shift my perception and thoughts during waking moments. Even through nightmares I am able to understand that I cannot be hurt.

May you always find the spark of courage that turns your darkness into sunlight. You are never alone in your struggles even when your Ego tells you otherwise. I believe the Divine speaks to us through sweet whispers if we are willing to listen with an open heart. Forgive and release all! It’s never worth the weight of carrying around on your shoulders something that serves of no purpose but to belittle you even more. Have a blessed day!

Reminder of Living Fully

owning our feelings

What an amazing reminder….

For a great part of my life I blamed my circumstances (which were pivotal lessons in my growth) on another. I felt “stuck” and blamed the other person. I felt as if I was surviving and not living because of them. Freedom finally arrived when I saw them as teachers and took responsibility for the choices I made, the decisions I participated in, and the life I was living. Sure…it is a lot easier to blame someone else for our life not being how we envision it.  Sure…it is comforting to sit back and point to another for “ruining” our journey.  Sure…it is easier to be a martyr and victim than to fully take on those things and move forward with grace.  Grace is hard.  Moving on through the storm is painful at times.  But, when you own those feelings the illusion of blame and control go out the window. That’s an awareness that arrives with a sense of independence and no one or anything can replace it…ever again! This is where healing begins.

I am constantly being shown that the life I chose to lead was a blessing.  It has brought me here, to this point of my life and I must embrace it.  Every thought and action has pointed to this very moment.  I am the oldest I’ve ever been.  And, with each passing day I realize that freedom arrives in the form of forgiveness and letting go.  You are not responsible for anyone but yourself.  And, no one is responsible for you or your mishaps.  Things happen in the order that they do because they have been carefully orchestrated to move you to the highest possible awareness of the self.

I remember saying this to someone at some point a few years ago.  “Everything that has happened to me has been to enrich the evolution of my spirit.”  The woman immediately looked at me and said, “Really?  Even your rape was for the evolution of your spirit?”  (This was asked in a very patronizing tone). I recalled smiling and answered, “Especially the rape and every form of abuse thereafter because I am this person today due to the circumstances of my past.  I am not a victim.  I am a survivor.  The stories we share are molded to feelings: reactions, pity, joy, learning, teaching, and so on.  We share them because those stories are who we are.  We continue to share them because they must be removed from the depth of us in order to move on.”  I don’t think she agreed with me.  She continued to blame another for the “horrible things” that happened to her.  And, those were her stories.  We all have them.  They make our psyche, feeding Ego, and drowning Spirit.

So, as a reminder of what we are and who we can be…this very moment is a lesson.  Tomorrow will arrive with a different one once we release the old patterns of thoughts and feelings.  Blame serves no one.  Forgiveness is not for anyone else but yourself.  Stop carrying around the past on your back.  That backpack can’t hold anymore crap…!  Have a great Saturday.

The Most Powerful is Love

love and compassionAt this very moment I sit typing on my dining room table staring at the afternoon spring shower outside while smelling the soil rise to meet the sky. It is one of those smells I love most from the earth. It smells like the decomposition of release. The earth has no problem releasing. It has absolutely zero tolerance for resistance. The earth teaches us the value of allowing.
I am called to study the way I am entering into this new role again with my daughter at home. I hear a baby cooing in the next room, my daughter and her own emotions releasing into the open space (reminding me she needs to be put back on meds or I need to be given a bottle of valium for me). Her own anger is resisting release from the abuse. Yet, this morning she began making excuses for her abuser and how long he might have to be in jail. I reminded her the black eye, the cord wrapped around her neck and the huge egg on her head (given to her less than a week ago). I am always surprised at this behavior from those who have limited capabilities to process. My role is to allow her to go through the motions. I cannot do it for her. Someone has to take the pushes on the other side of the punching bag. My only job is to hold it tightly. Our home, Peaceful Quest Retreats, has a way of bringing up anything in a magnified sense that needs work. If the person isn’t aware of it…it can be nasty at first (pure explosion). I pray that as the days unfold she will see the light at the end of the tunnel and the gratitude for being alive. I pray she can sit outside in the sun and inhale the nurturing energy of these mountains. She’s entered into a place of grace, love and compassion. It has very little to do with me, Matt, or her sister. It has to do with the Divine. I am no longer holding the need to fix anyone. This dynamic is beautiful. I can love her and work on increasing a vibration of pure light in my home without attaching to her drama.
I think of my own past and how I handled abused. I placed it tightly inside the earth so that no one noticed. Even now as I work in my garden I start to feel a tug of crap coming up from those days long ago. It’s funny it arrives in moments of being outdoors touching the earth. I have understood the power of avoidance and resistance. I no longer resist emotions. Resistance has always been a pivotal lesson in my life. “That which you resists, persists,” is a perfect way to remember to let go. Clarity and openness arrives from the nature of allowing life to flow. It is extremely difficult to wrestle and battle with resistance from a human perspective driven by ego. The ego is always creating illusions, sneaking in the doubts, uncertainty, fear and anxieties. As I allow the divine spirit to expand and guide me through love everything around me is taken into a beautiful accountability of love. Fear disappears once there is no control or resistance.
I have no plan for the immediate future. My daughter asked me today, remembering how much she hated the mountains (never once did this come up when she called to come home). She asked how long she “had” to stay here as if this was punishment. I told her she didn’t “have” to do anything she didn’t want. She asked to come home and we got her. Her anger is brewing. Her illusion of a perfect life is unfolding. She doesn’t have the mental capacity to plan or anticipate the near future. I told her I had no plans, “God laughs when I make a plan.” She didn’t like that answer. I received a slight grunt for it.
The divine has a way of speaking to us while utilizing our gifts of intuition. The more we resist and ignore the lessons…well, the harder it is to live comfortably in that lie. I find that spirit usually speaks through our strengths the strongest. I keep going back to this life lesson: to love unconditionally. I am aware of the reason for this incarnation. I have no doubt about the core of this conscious life lesson. The older I get the more I expand on forgiveness and compassion all through the vessel that is love.
Relationships, whether through substance abuse, food, people, sex or drama, are addictive. For the addictive mind, we create those relationships because they somehow hold a power we are looking for in ourselves. We resist in stepping back and finding it within the layers of our consciousness. Ego creates these elaborate scenarios and through resistance of strength in ourselves we attract the destructive behaviors. It is never easy to go through the separation of old patterns. My daughter has always loved drama. Inside of her sleeps several mental disorders and the drama unfolds in a way that most people would never experience. I love her because of them and for them because they push the resistance in me. They teach me patience, love, forgiveness, compassion and strength. I am not longer the one in charged or needing to tell her what to do. This is her life. This is her lessons.
Today I’ve traveled through several emotions: disrespect, anger, ingratitude, love, grace, selflessness, exhaustion, and doubt to name a few. I no longer ignore them. This is who I am and the things that make me human. This is my current position in life and I plan on exceeding at it.  It is a bumpy ride but full of a baby cooing, smiles, beauty, innocence, hope, dreams and the most powerful force of love.

I’m Sorry Syndrome

I had a dream in the early hours of morning about a visit to a therapist.  Dr. Carl Jung sat across from me with a giant desk in between us.  I remember asking, “Dr.Carl, this is very impersonal.  Is there a way we can sit next to each other without this desk in the way?”  We moved to the area where I sat on the sofa and he sat on a comfy chair across from me.  I began with apologizing for my brokenness.  It was a long dream.  I was woken by my boyfriend while crying.  The details aren’t important.  What is relevant is my sense of apologizing for my emotions.

I have always had the “I’m Sorry Syndrome.”  And when someone asks me to stop apologizing I apologize for it again.  I know where and how it stems from.  There has to be a barricade to this agonizing need to please others.  As women we tend to do it more frequently than men.  Childhood traumas, abusive relationships and just pure self-esteem issues cause us to immediately sneak in the apology to smooth things over with another person.  But, sitting across from Carl Jung I realized it wasn’t necessary.

We tend to apologize for everything.  I apologize for interrupting, for feeling a certain way, for being early to an appointment, etc.  Heck, I apologize just for laughing or crying while thinking I am making the other person feel uncomfortable.  And, let’s not even discuss the apologies I shell out when the other person has done me wrong and I end up apologizing for them.

The word “sorry” is magical.  It opens hearts and allows for forgiveness.  However, that same word can be a crutch in not allowing self-worth to grow in a positive manner.  We apologize for our parenting skills, professional choices, schooling, loving too deeply or not loving enough.  We apologize for not wearing the right clothes, not having enough money, and having a bad hair day.  We apologize for so many senseless acts based on our emotions.  When do we stop this self-sabotage outrage of losing our self onto another?  Why do we apologize when we find our voice and want to express it?  Each time an apology is dished out we are serving a part of our worth and letting that person hold the key to our emotions.

I remember my ex never apologized…ever.  So, I spent years apologizing every time he did something wrong or hurtful to me.  I would end up apologizing for a fight or disagreement.  The common answer from him was, “If you weren’t the way you are then you wouldn’t push me to act this way.  I accept your apology.”  Typical narcissism personality disorder to the oomph degree!  In these moments an apology is like white-out.  It is covered up but always still underneath it all.  When you’ve wronged or hurt someone an apology is a must!

Some of the questions I asked Dr. Carl (as I kept calling him) were: “What is my purpose here?  What do I do with myself from here on?  What can I bring to this life?”  I believe I had a few more universal questions in regards to my existence.  I can’t remember right now.  What I do remember is the feelings of shame and displacement.  I recall the brokenness of remorse and guilt. In the middle of the conversation I can still feel the sense of self-criticism and judgment while apologizing for the past and the lessons that I’ve learned from such traumas.

As a child I wasn’t heard.  My mother had me at 44 years of age.  She was too busy going through menopause when I was just starting middle school.  Puberty was something you did and never discussed.  I apologized for my mood swings, for wanting to be with friends, and for needing to just be left alone without her around.  I apologize for my ultra sensitivity, my need to be perfect in school, and anything that she could not relate to as a teenager in the 80’s.  I was expected to be seen and not heard.  This was most people of my generation.  Now that I am my mother’s age I see the difference the generation gap created.  The need to apologize is a weakness rather than a healthy characteristic when the resentment is for wanting to honor your feelings.

When do we stop this nonsense of putting everyone else in front of our own needs?  When and how do we break the pattern of justifying what we want with an apology?  When do we start to live authentically…now or the day we are dying?

I believe that a dream with an archetypical world famous psychologist was exactly what I needed to reflect and cease those things I keep struggling to fix.  I cannot continue to be sorry for the person I am or continue to become.  If I happen to ruffle a few feathers along the way I have to accept it is a reflection or projection of that other person.  We must stop apologizing for evolving and wanting to live authentically.  Let’s put the word “sorry” back to its real context once and for all.

“The only correct actions are those that demand no explanation and no apology.”  ~Red Auerbach

Mind-tripping Panic

Every few months I have a night full of nightmares.  As rational as I am, I wake up several times during the night sweating, in destitution, heart racing and with uncontrollable shakes.  I get lost in past violence where my body is taken from me and discarded as a rag doll.  Once I am awake I can gather my thoughts and try to go back to sleep to then (what seems ridiculously impossible) continue with the same dreams.  Last night was such a night.

My ex of 18 years used to wake up, a few times a year, in a panic thinking he was still in a Cuban prison from when he was in his early twenties.  The dreams would replay as if he was at the present time stuck in Cuba and couldn’t leave.  In complete disorientation he would wake up with severe muffles of terror.  He spent three years in a third-world-country prison for trying to flee the island on a tire tube.  He was found ten miles of shore.  This event would forever change him and detach his personality from truly allowing love, especially to himself.  Each time he had these horrific violent dreams I would try and soothe him.  Unfortunately when it was my turn to have my nightmares he would chuckle them up to, “Ay, mija (Spanish slang for dudette or along those lines) don’t worry!  It was only a dream.  It’s not real.”   I never once shared with him what the dreams were about but he never really asked.  He was too self-absorbed with his own head and his double life.

But, nightmares are not okay.  They aren’t supposed to be casted to the side immediately when we wake to terror.  I don’t mean relive them, but don’t discard them.  They serve their purpose.  Sometimes the subconscious is desperately trying to reach a place of rewiring.  Your spirit is working the kinks out so the fears of waking moments can find a place in peace.  We fear those things that terrorize us with reasons.  They become scars for life.  They permeate into the voice of paralysis in moments of letting go…such as in dreamland.

It takes me some time during the morning to ground myself from such violence and turmoil.  I breathe in.  I say prayers.  I ask God to protect me, and then immediately ask protection for my children.  There are monsters in this world.  There are horrendous events that can either turn us into victims or create us as survivors.  I am a survivor.  I tell myself this when the terror comes to morning light.  I am a better person for having gone through such events.  I am not going to chuckle them to, “It was only a dream.”  I have chosen to better myself because of that past.  We all have choices.  We survive via coping, allowing and faith.

We all carry some form of mind trip piggy-backing from the past.  Those are the events that show you how powerfully strong you are.  Surviving anything that forces you to touch the gateways of death pushes you to embrace life…to never take breathing for granted.   Those nightmares serve as a reminder that you are here.  You weathered the storms.  You overcame the inconceivable monstrous and dreadful events. Your spirit soars higher because of your perseverance.  Here you are!  Bravo to you, my friend, bravo!!!

Harmony in Healing

When I woke this morning I thought it was Friday.  It really doesn’t matter what day it is.  They are all the same.  I am not going into an office.  I get to go outside and work in nature.  Last evening I sat on the dock looking at the pond and all the magnificent colors reflecting from the trees.  In a moment I was so grateful.  I was overwhelmed with emotions of gratitude for being here.  Never in a million years would I have imagined being in this magical place tucked away from the world.  I never would have thought my life could get any sweeter and beautiful.  It is because of this peacefulness that I have been able to purge things from years of trauma and abuse.  My life is quite simple.  There are no more fancy cars, trips to Europe, and huge houses.  There is no elaborate bank account.  There is just me and that assurance that each month the Universe takes care of us and our living needs.

On an amazing evening of Halloween friends gathered here.  Everyone shared scary stories, not the ones of the bogeyman but the ones that molded each of us into who we are today.  These are the stories of survival, perseverance, and truth. Sharing and shedding old beliefs is never easy.   My own past seems to get caught in a web of fears and I have to work really hard to avoid the mental agonizing impairment.  I will not go into that darkness that victimizes.  I cannot live my life based on what can happen.  I am only responsible for this moment.  At the same time secrets from childhoods visit so many of us.  We are always working to prove the memories wrong.

Each person moves at a different spectrum.  Life does not happen to us.  Life happens from us.  When we let go of those stressful strains that fill our spaces, trying to fill the emptiness, we let go of a struggling life.  I live for those moments that I cannot describe because they take my breath away.    We are such complex beings, but we are made in the image of divinity.

It is said that time heals all wounds.  This is only if and when we are ready to release what has hurt us.  I’ve known people whose wounds are older than me and are still living in the memory of the event or trauma.  Surrendering, letting go, releasing…these are all beautiful words of wisdom.  They sound simple.  It’s like telling a person who lives on adrenaline to stop and relax.  How?  How can one start to let go? Not everything that needs to be learned is pretty.  Some things are monstrous, shameful and horrendous in nature, but it is those things that require release.  Piggy backing secrets is a sure way of stomping growth and the flow of life.

I am learning everyday to throw caution to the wind.  As a friend recently said, “We can achieve anything as long as we get out of our own way.”  I am constantly reminded that what keeps me from achieving anything is me.  I am getting better at releasing and surrendering.  I don’t recognize the woman I was just a year ago.  I am peeling the onion layers at a time, but instead of getting smellier as I get to the core, I am getting sweeter.  Life is getting so uncomplicated and delicious.  Nights with friends, gathered around truth, releasing ghouls and monsters…that is the best therapy in the world.

What are you willing to surrender in order to start living?  We all have to be honest and determine what’s important.  If your past is killing you then stop looking at the rear view mirror, you don’t live there anymore.  Sharing and letting go frees the skeletons in the closet and allows you to finally bury them in the ground.  You are only responsible for your life and your choices!  Go live!!!!!
“True forgiveness is when you can say, “Thank you for that experience.”” – Oprah Winfrey