Existential Crisis

The first three months of 2020 I was writing… A lot. And I was keeping a gratitude journal each evening on my phone. When the schools let out weeks ago I stopped. Not because I wasn’t grateful for our health and for the ability to be safe with our kids, but because time was no longer available in the same manner. Now when I do have spare time I am beat.

I’ve raised six children basically on my own before this second act. Those six are grown and gone to have their own lives. This time it’s two little ones and a husband. And I look at them with joy and wonder. Many times in disbelief that at almost 52 years of age I have chosen this mothering job again. I take it seriously. And the state of the world feels heavier because they are so young…and I am much older.

Time has stopped. And I am living (as many of us are) in a loop. Just like the movie Groundhog Day, I have no idea what day it is. It’s like an ongoing weekend without the ability to physically connect with others and be in places that bring us joy.

I miss my Starbucks chai latte with no water. I can make it at home but it’s not the same as speaking to the Barista while the chocolate croissant is being heated.

I miss interacting with strangers daily everywhere without the risk of getting sick.

I miss driving. Today I got in my car after a week just to pull my eyebrows and chin hairs. It was lovely. I didn’t leave the driveway. The mirror and light in there make a difference. I miss doing this while I waited for my daughter to get out of school before. You know THAT before. Before the world stopped being the same!

I miss the human touch of friends. I miss hugs and kisses. I have them at home but sometimes, in rare moments, a friend can truly reach the depth of my soul with a hug. No words needed. It’s the most fantastic yummilicious exchange of energy.

Don’t get me wrong…I am forever grateful. For so much. I am deeply aware of how fortunate I am. Yet, I am struggling with an immense sadness. As we all are.

This is a shit show. It’s okay to say that out loud. While I know this is not just about the virus, but a massive shift in our humanity, I am mourning the life I had just a month ago. I am mourning the lives of so many. I am feeling such denseness for the turmoil, the lack of readiness, the uncertainty and the truth. Combine that melting pot of emotions with other things and, yes, it can be a tad much at times.

Every year I pick two words as my intention for the year. I picked “adventure and travel.” Oh, it’s an adventure alright. Daily! And I travel all day long from the kitchen to the living room to the bathroom and laundry room. There are several other rooms I explore. Every few days, when it’s not raining, I travel to the far end of our property to talk to myself in quietude. That’s the moment I am not cooking, or picking up crap from the floor, or sanitizing little hands. It’s just me and God. And boy, Am I keeping Him busy with my talks!

There are projects to be done. There are books to be written. Cabinets to be painted. There is a lot that I can be doing when I have those ten minutes of peace. But truly…I don’t feel like that’s important. I rather sit in the sun. I rather read a passage from a book that brings me to sacredness. I rather do nothing because in the nothingness lies peace. In that vacancy I get to feel the illusion of it all and it’s beyond tolerable.

There is an entire world experiencing loss and ambiguity. I’m grateful for my little bubble in the country setting. But, it is emotional fuckery, physical carnage and chaotic spirituality. (And yes, I am using more “sentence enhancers.” If not now then when the fuck)?

We cannot deny ourselves the emotions. And when I get on social media to escape, I read of others moving through similarities. This helps me connect and disconnect simultaneously. It allows me not to feel lonely in my own loneliness of seclusion.

I laugh. I cry. I shake my head in disbelief at times. I sometimes get angry. I even mumble a few things at the screen. But, ultimately I get to be here to keep a little bit of my sanity in tact. I get to witness the best of others.

Who knew that 2020 was really about seeing the world through new lenses? We’ve had to adjust and redefine our lives. We’ve had to purposefully let go of our dreams for the time being. We’ve had create a new state of reality. It’s a gigantic pause like never before. A pause to dive inward and pull out old traumas and triggers. It’s a pause to heal…globally. It’s not just this viral event. It is an existential crisis of the soul.

I promise you that it will be okay. I say this constantly. Sometimes I actually believe it. I thank you for being here with me. For taking the time daily to sit together and fill these pages with love, humor, and important messages. You are an extension of my life right now.

This year is a game changer. We will emerge from the flames with some massive badassery. I have no doubt.

Be safe. Be love. Be authentic. Be faithful. Be compassion. Be the best you there is.

Get Lost

This morning on the way down the mountain there was a traffic accident. I had a choice to sit through it or take a road less traveled on an adventure. Yeah, you already know what I did! I took a road into an unknown destination. And, the magic began to appear through every curb and dip into an area I had never visited. I was going down the rabbit hole, and I just knew I would never be the same again. Each scene took my breath way. Today is just lovely!

That’s the beauty of taking adventures…it’s the getting lost part that’s mystical. I live for the excitement of finding treasures through serendipity. I began to see farm houses with mountain views, horses on scenery that belongs in movies, and endless amount of greenery. It was an explosion of wonder and all this so close to my house…and yet…so very far. All of this in a world of its own.

These are the moments my husband refers to as Millie’s Fairy-Ass Moments when the “aha’s,” “wow’s,” “look at that,” “Oh My God!” and so many other childlike words escape me. These are the moments I drive through the curbs yelling, “Weeeeee!” It’s in those specific moments that I am reminded that the gypsy in me is always ready to take flight and explore. These mountains have a way of turning you around even when you think you are going the right direction. The longer I drove the clearer the awareness arrived, “This is what I want to do. I want to write and travel. I want to hear stories from strangers in all corners of the world while giving our little girl an experience of a lifetime.” This morning brought up that confirmation that things need to work towards that so I can get lost without an agenda. I need more of this because it makes me come alive.

When was the last time you got lost? Do you enjoy experiencing new places or does it cause you anxiety? Can you get up on a moment’s notice or do you need planning? I urge you to the road less travel. Don’t have a plan. Enjoy one morning without it. Make time breathe outdoors, talk to strangers, and share in this space with get to call home.

Magical Encounters

I had one of the most fascinating flights ever. I sat next to a lovely young woman. She had the window. I was in the middle and Matt in the aisle. Before the plane took off we began to exchange stories. We talked for five out of the six hours. I asked what she did for a living. She said she had 2,800 snakes. You are reading correctly. She studies snakes. Venomous ones. She was coming to the Amazon for two weeks to find them with a film crew. Then she was going to Machu Picchu.

She’s like Dr. Dolittle. She’s an animal charmer and much more. She sure charmed me. She is a powerhouse but I don’t think she recognizes her magic. I sprinkled some fairy dust on her without her noticing. I feel after this trip to the jungle her life will change in extraordinary ways.

So imagine Tinker Bell meeting the little kid from the Jungle Book talking about her zoo and animal farm! She has three alligators. She showed me pictures of her feeding them and how intelligent they are. I will save you the details. She has wild cats that are magnificent. She understands animal spirits deeper than people ones. Her face lit up with every story she told of her many bites, coma, experiences and challenges.

When she was 15 years old she got bit by her first snake. Her body went into shock (and she gave me all the technical lingo of what happens). She was saved and became intrigued. That was the beginning of her journey. She made it her life’s purpose to study them. She says that what you fear pushes you to face those things otherwise you are paralyzed. Sort of like getting bit by a venomous snake. And only you can fix it. You hold the key.

By three hours into the flight we had discussed mysticism, energy, magic, people, passion, purpose and so much more. It was mind blowing. She’s done lots of shows in relationship to incredible things. This is not really who she is. She is this multifaceted being that has been transplanted into our world and she’s finding how she can help others but doesn’t quite know how. Yet…So…we looked at that too.

My sweet husband sat there reading a book the entire time. Every so often he would look up, make a comment and return to his novel. He was happy his wife was high on life.

I was transformed. She has this zest for life that’s rare. Her passion for saving animals is the same one I have for telling stories. We talked about that…the things that make us come alive. The reason we are here. The forces that push us to do what we do.

I fell in love in the sky. She is intelligent and stunning and full of energy that is rare. And, not so rare because we just want to be heard and understood. We want to know that we are not freaks. I got from her sharing that her life is not easy with people being intimidated by this strong and powerful spirit.

I begged her to continue sharing her stories and explore how she can change the world. I asked her, while holding her hands in mine, to find more of life that others are fearful of exploring. Cause she’s not. She fears nothing.

Oh, darlings, you just don’t know the magic of a divine appointment. Neither of us was suppose to sit together. At the last minute, when we got to the airport, Matt and I were switched. We were going to be sitting apart. She was suppose to be in another seat as well. But, the universe said, “It’s time! These three people need to meet. They need to connect!” And bang!!!! A new experience happened. Stay open to it all. It’s ahhhhmazing.

Illumination

 

light

 

Yesterday I acquired a new elderly client. I went to the facility to meet him, sit with him, and hear his story. He is a sweet gentle man. Gentle beyond words! As we sat in the neatest and orderly room he shared tidbits of his life…sometimes forgetting details which he would apologize for. I reached over to his hands several times guiding him forward. Dementia is brutal when you are still aware that it’s happening.

He spoke of his wife and how she was the most remarkable woman he had ever met. He spoke of his children and the loss of one of them. He mentioned his career. And, in between the sentences, the gaps in memory, he allowed me to see the man he was and is today.  He lives with regrets which are clearly seen in his demeanor. He is a man of faith but that can only take you so far if you don’t forgive the past.

I drove home thinking about my own life and how I want to remember it in my later years. I caught myself crying at a light. Took me by surprise. I am way too emotional at times and my heart cracks open with each story I get to collect. I tend to them with care and learn the underlining meaning of what another can transport to me. I made a list of how I want to end this journey.

At the end of my life I want to look back and remember the magic I created. I want to have full awareness of how I walked the earth and all the teachers who touched me on this journey. I don’t want to beat myself up for not having a perfect body, for not making everyone happy, for not keeping some folks around, for not having done more, for not being enough….

I want to smile and recall the joy the world brought me. I pray to always acknowledge the love that was created. I want to look at the rear view mirror of my adventure with awe-stricken wonder for raising my children, loving wholeheartedly every one without judgment.

My only goal in life is to have no regrets, forgive… especially myself, and keep an open heart till my last breath. I want to make it a lifelong expedition to be led by all the light and stay in it until I become stardust again. And even then I hope that sparkles come from the smallest particle of earth guiding me to the next place. 

Your Story

Tell me something I don’t know…

the charisma that

defines and expresses

the things you leave behind

that no one else has known.

Share your story right now:

the joys,

the sadness,

the in-between,

which molded you

into this spectacular current chapter

of your memoir

that now includes me.

Let me touch each syllable

in your words

as I trace your lips to find their truth.

Shower me with your adjectives

and enrich me in the beauty

that you have witnessed.

Grab me with your verbs

making me delirious with excitement

for the things that have

taken you here and there.

Carry me with your nouns

to all those places I’ve never visited

and let me see them through your eyes.

Let me enter

into you

to finally become us

in this grand experience,

this guided journey,

full of interconnected stories

with sentences and paragraphs;

questions, exclamations, and periods;

indentations, spaces, and pauses.

Allow our humanness

to unfold,

discover,

marvel, and share

without ever having to worry

that you are alone in this exposition.

Let this composition end

with the knowing

that the Divine has been

the narrator of your saga

and all that you are

has been a plan to teach you

that love is all we need to

gather in this adventure of life.

Fairyologist on Duty

1510975_926145297444329_7272943220237236815_n

I just recently became a Certified Fairyologist. Yes, there is such a thing and for my birthday my hubby enrolled me on Doreen Virtues’ online class. Now you may ask, “What does a Fairyologist do?” This is a valid question. I don’t really know what they do except what was taught on the class: history of fairies and how to live among them.  I can only tell you what I do and who I am in regards to nature. I am a play-in-the-mud-jump-in-the-creeks-sing-silly-songs-wear-tutus-and-love-everyone eccentric type of gal. I don’t take myself seriously.  I have a quick wit and find entertainment just about everywhere I go. I respect Mother Earth. I feel grounded being outdoors. I love to get lost in hikes, travel to new places, talk to people, hear their stories, and enjoy the silliness that’s out in the world. I am not here to tell you how you should live, but I can surely provide some entertainment on what works for me. I am not much for adulting these days. I have little respect for the stressful life, and anything that helps me release burdens…I am on that path.

I have raised six children and now raising a 2 year old (number 7). Now in midlife, she’s teaching me to revert into childhood and take no crap from social programming. She keeps reminding me what it is to view the world from the simplicity of innocence. She is reminding me how we all come in with such incredible awareness and gifts. It’s in those moments that she has become my hero. Children have a magical way of focusing on this. They react to the world around them with curiosity. “Forget that over there!” They don’t worry about tomorrow. They are consumed with the over stimulation of play and what’s right in front of them. They change their minds one minute at a time. They celebrate life through the smallest of things, like picking up a rock. They can observe a worm moving for an hour. They don’t see fear. They accept what is right in their vision. They are the greatest source of spiritual connection available to us.

As I finished the course and got my “certification” things have shown up. The ideas have run overboard and I am trying to find a way to organize the things I can do with my Fairy Whispers and Play. I want to do workshops on how to live life guided by the joy from your inner child. Let’s face it, this “adulting” business is pretty intense! We have forgotten what it is that we wanted to become as children. We forget how to play because there is always a to-do list, a set of rules, work, schedules, children, parents, spouses and the constant derailing of responsibilities. We forget that art, writing, music, and all sorts of creating weren’t gifts for childhood. They are gifts for our entire lives. We didn’t come into this life to spend the first 13 years, or so, being one way and then disregard our desires, passion, and dreams. That’s an instruction via society that is false and corrupted. We are here to follow our bliss, and when we do, mysticism follows.  We create our stories.  We are shaped by them.

I am embarking in a new life. I cannot describe the pathway. I can see it clearly but don’t quite know where it will take me. Meantime, I am putting together a program to see if I can actually help the contagious spirit of laughter, play, and creation. How did we ever forget that our happiness comes from our inner child? And, yes, many of you have had some disastrous upbringings. We have all been wired and programmed to believe that “growing up” means “not participating in child play.” That’s okay! The beauty of programming and beliefs can be altered with conscious awareness. You have the power to dream, visualize and create the life you always wanted.

How do you get there?

By being truthful with how you are right now. If you aren’t happy then it’s time to see what’s stumping your dreams. Things don’t change over night, but your perception and acceptance of decisions can begin to create a plan. This plan is what can help gather your wits, joy, freedom and a new beginning. Sometimes fear of success is what stops us from performing. We are all waiting for failure. That’s a given…but how many of us can actually move through the voices of our pasts and be willing to lose ourselves in our childhood dreams again?

Change starts and ends with your inner child. Holding that little girl/boy, and assuring him/her that you have a handle on this is the first step to creating a space of joy. Taking a new hobby, making time for yourself (even if only 30 minutes a week), or joining a group of like-minded folks is recharging for your spirit.  There are ways to open up the memories of who you are and what you have forgotten for so long.  There are tools to release the hurt and move through the joy. You are not alone.  You can finally set those dreams in motion.  It’s never too late to be what you were suppose to be before the world told you otherwise.  It’s never too late to be that child again.

I am working on a some things that can bring you joy. I hope you have allowed your little person to laugh today. I hope you have done something magical and empowering while looking at life just a little different. Go get yourself some multi-colored-silly glasses and let’s begin the adventure!  Let’s meet up in a playground soon!

Happy 2015!

 

new years gala

A new year is upon us again!  2014 brought with it tremendous growth, challenges, and transformation.  I am looking forward to 2015 with giddiness and excitement.  Any way you dissect it a year in a life isn’t that much (365 days, 52 weeks, or 12 months).  It flies by in a blink of an eye.  I am always surprised at the acceleration.  The older I get the faster it comes and goes.  But, this New Year I vow to be more present. This New Year I promise to stick with having no expectations.

This past year I had two words I chose to live by: grace and adventure.  I was challenged with both. Grace kicked my butt. It showed me what true divinity and faith are composed of in me. Grace didn’t just gently take me by the hand…it knocked me down so I had the opportunity to learn the forgiveness and compassion I was lacking in myself. Phew…so glad the lessons didn’t land me in the hospital…oh, wait! They did and that was just on the first month of the year. That’s where the other word comes in: adventure!

Adventure has been a roller coaster ride this year. I have learned to remove all plans and just live day by day. Nothing like having a new baby to clear up the true meaning of a quest. It’s been a beautiful ride into memory lane. Motherhood has always been a question mark for me. I have repeatedly asked myself if I have done the best possible job with my six kids. Now I am seeing things in a mature and compassionate scene. We all do the best we can under our capacities after all we are the best versions of ourselves. I’ve been provided with, yet, another little one. The universe has entrusted me with another chance to love a child…but this one, it turns out, is showing me the adventure of a lifetime. She’s taking me by the hand every day and exposing me to things I overlooked in my twenties. She’s divine light allowing me to revisit those things that I questioned and accept that I have done exactly what I needed to do. This little angel is the best gift I could have imagined. She is turning my question mark on motherhood into a huge exclamation mark of joy! Grace, Faith and Hope are always present holding us together. There’s no mistake that she turns one year old on January 1st. We start with a beautiful reminder that this is definitely a new year. 

If you allow for it the world will move you every day to a place of complete openness. The hardest part is allowing the heart to stay open enough to receive the gifts. Some gifts will be painful and force you to grow for the betterment of your spiritual evolution. Others will contribute grace, adventure, and love to bring you closer into the web of humanity. Give yourself the permission this new year to experience all the wow’s and aha moments while staying in the present. They will transform you forever. Take risks, move beyond the comfort zone, laugh more, love deeper, share your life with strangers, truly forgive, don’t forget to breathe and enjoy the ride. Create your resolutions. Make your vision boards. Make space in your life for more joy. I will not be choosing two words this year. I will not be putting myself with the stress of losing weight, finally sewing that dress, or anything that I know will make me spin out of control because I cannot accomplish those tasks ASAP. I am allowing each moment to dictate what needs to be done. I am being realistic with my thoughts. No more expectations! They force Ego to dictate my mood.

Happy New Year! 2015 will be full of serendipitous moments.  Make peace with the past and pay attention to the signs ahead. Let your heart guide you into the unknown. Let these next 12 months woo you with excitement~!  Mucho love, my friends….mucho everything that’s good!

Life is about courage and going into the unknown.” – The Secret Life of Walter Mitty