Make Your Life Magical

Last month I celebrated the 52nd anniversary of my existence in this life. I feel the heaviness at times of half a millennium. And other times I marvel at the joy of not giving a crap with this age.

I was such a strict-over-the-top-controlling person. I was always stricken by anxiety. Everything had to be just so. I was not a perfectionist which seems ironic. It was the need to make sure that things were in order: the house, business, kids, family, friends… basically I took little time for my needs. And several times I almost died as if my spiritual guides were yelling, “Yo, WTH will it take for you to just slow down and enjoy yourself without worrying about others? Breathe, woman, breathe!”

At this age, especially during this time in history, I have stopped a lot of that old programming. The only time it shows up is if I am struggling with something and the house gets a deep cleaning, decluttering, and my husband takes notice to stop me and ask what is triggering it. To which I become aware of the old behavior. I take the time to honor the emotions rising instead of busying myself in avoidance.

It’s a privilege to be here. This age. This time. With these sweet people in my life. I don’t take it lightly. But I also keep gaining a wicked sense of humor that helps me with the deep indents of laugh lines on my face.

My hair is grey. My body is fuller and softer. I hurt myself with ridiculous stupid movements at times. I have hair coming out in places that shouldn’t have and hair has stopped growing in normal places too. I don’t often recognize the reflection in the mirror but I laugh at who is there. I don’t get as annoyed or angry as I used to in my youth. I am forgetful and this is great for those who share personal stuff with me. I truly don’t hold grudges. I am experiencing a delightfulness of finding inappropriateness and humor to simple comments. I don’t see things the same way I did when my attitude was so rigid.

Sometimes I wear all the colors together. Other times I am mindful that tutus and boots don’t always work well with certain places out there. I told my husband recently that I will be one of those eccentric old ladies. To which he answered, “You ARE already an eccentric old lady!” I cannot imagine what else will evolve in the next twenty or thirty years. I am a better mother because I am able to feel childish at times.

One thing I know for sure is that we are all on borrowed time. Tomorrow isn’t promised. I only get this moment. So why not make the most of it. Anything else is a bonus.

Let’s stop obsessing about things we can’t control or change. Let’s recognize how blessed we are that today we are here. Let go of the past regrets and resentments and live life in the now. When I worked with dementia patients I learned that what is important is living fully. Anything is carrying a ball and chain of emotional baggage that does nothing for your soul.

Instead of making your life a giant question mark make it a huge exclamation mark of yumminess. Life is one Tada moment after another.

Loving you fully right now. Right here. That’s all we truly have. Be you. Be the best you and stop worrying about how others see you. It’s all too heavy. Please put it down, sweetheart. Your soul will be at peace.

Laughter Heals

I visit my 85 year old. He’s having lunch with three other men. I grab a chair and sit next to him and a sweet gentleman name Walter.

My client asks, “Why are you here to see me? I know you’ve told me but I can’t remember!”

I make something up about being part of a welcoming committee making sure they are well taken care of at the facility. (This way he doesn’t start to question why he needs a guardian).

My client: “Does a woman like you have a husband?”

Walter breaks his silence, “uh oh!”

I ask, “A woman like me?”

My client: “A woman galavanting to see elderly men. What kind of man lets his wife do this?” He is smiling. I am laughing.

“My husband is at home with our kid….”

He interrupts and says, “If you were my wife I wouldn’t let you out of my sight!”

Walter says, “And that’s why she’s not with you!”

I laugh loudly. So loud that the place goes quiet. All those falling asleep over their plates are woken up. The table starts to rattle with laughter.

Laughter fills the crevices. My client starts to truly show me his sense of humor. I tell him that he’s my favorite. He smiles and says, “I bet you tell everyone that!”

Walter looks at me and says, “I hope one day I can become one of your favorites.” He doesn’t know it but today he has been bumped up to the top of the list. And we just met.

Folks…go make laughter. Go share your joy. It’s freaking contagious. I had me a ball sitting at that table with four lovely elderly men who don’t speak to each other. They gifted me with generosity and I amped up their reason for needing a nap when I left. They used all their reserved energy to laugh. Pure bliss!

Tenderness of Kindness

This afternoon I witnessed one of the most loving acts of kindness. I went to visit my 96 year old client. We were in the hospital yesterday. Today she was back at the facility. Life is truly ever changing.

When I got to her room I told her I had a vanilla shake for her. She wanted up and out of her bed. I asked the male nurse to help me transfer her to her wheelchair.

She can’t see. She asks for folks to come close so she can touch their face.

He picked her up. She said, “Darling, is that you?”

He answered with such tenderness, “It is my love.”

He sat her down and she grabbed him and kissed him on the cheek close to his mouth. “No one understands our love affair.”

He smiled (even though she can’t see him) “No, they don’t. But they don’t have to…”

She said loudly, “No one has to. We love each other too deeply and I don’t care what anyone thinks!”

He left the room and I asked her about love. She shared it asking me for my hands. She spoke of connections. She always thinks I’m her favorite nurse. No point in correcting her. So she said, “You are young. Don’t work so hard that you forget to love full heartedly. If you are married make it unforgettable. Don’t take each other for granted.”

He returned to guide her out to the social gathering. Once again she grabbed him and she kissed his hands this time.

There was such tenderness from him. And acceptance. And something else…compassion and humanness. It’s not just his job. It’s the connection with her. It’s about showing her dignity as she’s transitioning. He sees her. She feels it.

She told me about her husbands. She shared about her church. I’ve heard most of it before but each time I witness something deeper in her stories. She has lived and wants another to know that she had a life that mattered. For those precious moments I am transported to another time and place where she is the protagonist of magic.

When I Grow Up


This afternoon I went to see a little sweet lady in her mid 90’s. She’s a hoot. Oh my gawd, an itty bitty firecracker dressed as an elderly person. She’s wise and lovely. She always confuses me with being her nurse. Says I’m her favorite. (I recognize that language)! She was asleep and I waited around for her. I sat in a room with other elderly folks observing the generations before me. A nurse came by and we spoke about my client. He said that last week he witnessed her tenacity and spunkiness as she walked herself in the wheelchair to another elderly resident, grabbed his face and put her tongue in his. There they were making out. It caught me by surprise and before I knew it the lack of filtering shouted, “She’s my hero. She is my new mantra for life. I want to grow up and be her! Hold nothing back!” The nurse, caught by surprise, had one of those belly laughs that is highly contagious. He shook his head in agreement recognizing the freedom of living life without worrying about what others think. 

Laughter is magical. Before I knew it some of the residents were laughing along with us without a clue to what was funny. The harder I laughed the louder they became. 

My spunky client is truly a composition of letting go and living fully. She’s out lived everyone around her. She has no filtering, no finesse, and no reason to hold anything back. She’s a warrior and a zen master wrapped in less than 85 lbs. 

Who do you want to be? How do you want to live by the end of your life? Make it memorable and lovable. Make it wild enough that those around you laugh the moment they see you. The ride is absofreakin delicious. I can only imagine being eclectically spectacular without giving a crap what anyone thinks! Yeah….that and lots of glitter and sparkles.

The Beauty of You

13450799_607095139468478_1269694066714302153_n

I found a box of pictures last night of when I was in my twenties and thirties. I was shocked to see how lovely I was. I never had the body of a twelve year old. I was always curvy and full. But, I was definitely pretty. I didn’t know it at the time. It wasn’t until recently that I actually met this woman that is now fully present in my body. That’s the thing with each passing year…while you are in your skin without acknowledging your worth and truth you just don’t accept your loveliness, beauty, and radiance. I was all of those things and didn’t even know. I wasn’t me. I was pretending to fit into a life of a society that expected perfection. And because of that I always picked partners who would instill the lack of worth in me. It was a wonderful dramatic play. I needed to show I was a good mother, a wonderful business woman, a magnificent housekeeper, and a decent lover. Everything had to be just so or what would the world think of me? Nope, I wasn’t really being me.
This morning I glanced over at the middle age woman on the mirror brushing her teeth. She’s no longer embraced by that lovely youth, or the concerns of opinions. The dark circles under my eyes and wrinkles diminished as I looked deeper into my soul. I smiled. “Ok, this is me. This is the hippie lady in the mountains. This is the me that was in there all along. I love you, lady.”
When was the last you actually looked at yourself and acknowledge your beauty: the inner and outer radiance of your soul? We can live in the past mourning the loss of what we had when we didn’t even know we had it because just like now, we don’t live in the present. We live in the past and the future. This moment now….this minute stand back and tell yourself how beautiful you are. See and feel your worth. It’s so important. You will never be this young again. You will never exist in this exact breath. Take advantage of it. Be gentle, be loving, and feel the magnificent spirit that is occupying the body. You are amazing. Be you today. Forget who to be when the world demanded that you be one way or this way or any way. Be the you that is here now! Have a blessed day, darlings. I love you all.

Lost in a Moment

time

Yesterday, while sitting in a waiting room for my granddaughter to get her pediatric check-up and shots, I witnessed humility at its best. I observed a young woman with her grandfather sitting side-by-side. The woman was reading scripture to him from her phone in Spanish. His distant look was endearing, sad, yet holding the rawness of final years in humanity. I have witnessed it many times in loved ones who have suffered from Alzheimer’s and dementia. Her words gently stroked him in his state of deep thought, lost in some other realm trying to reach this one. Every so often he would ask where he was or why he was there? She would rub his arm softly with security and explained he was there to see his doctor. She would continue reading from her phone. He would stare endlessly into a space void, a time warp, with a haze over his eyes that said, “I am here but I am not,” while her words caressed every syllable and his stare carefully followed them.

I sat, almost embarrassed, through the voyeurism rocking my baby girl back and forth trying to keep her entertained in the stroller. The scene put life back into perspective. I paused often, holding back tears, as he would question her again and again in moments of complete confusion. I thought about my mother before she passed. I thought about my children, when in their toddler stages, would ask again and again the same questions expecting different answers. We enter through youth and end through similarities…waiting for the love and care of another to lovingly embrace us without anger or judgment.

And, there, holding a one year old, attempting to make sense of life now and the hours ahead I was touched by humanity at the core of vulnerability. We are humans avoiding the constant flow of deep emotions. We keep busy here and there exploring the senses without truly being present. We are in need of love, touch, acceptance, and safety. If we are as fortunate as this man we have done an amazing job with our lives. He was touched attentively by someone dear and near to him. In the end that’s all we should want and need: the love from another who can care for us and still see us human rather than a burden.

Even today the scene tugs at me.  I feel the claws of gratitude urging acknowledgment. I am grateful for health, love, and the acceptance of my humanity. I am grateful for my evolution, the things I have accomplished, the obstacles I have endured and the loved ones dear to me who return with hugs and kisses. I am humbled by those who accept my imperfections and choose to laugh through my moments of insanity. I am deeply loved! I know this.  I feel this with certainty.  I am touched by friendships, relationships, and a man who would go to the end of the world in order to make me smile. Ah…we are made from complexities but if we allow vulnerability to guide us we are touched by the Divine. Mucho love to you!