Spiritual Direction

humility

Note:  I wrote this a year ago today.  I dreamed about this last night. I don’t know why. I suspect that my re-birthday is to blame! The lessons I learned from DEATH are just as intense and valuable as the ones I am learning from LIFE. I am not the same person I was a six months ago. I am not the same person I was when I returned from the ultimate space of LOVE. I continue to learn from this experience as intensely as I learn from living. I cannot tell you what to do. I cannot tell you how to live. You are the only one who knows what you need. I can only show you what I live through my spirituality and my humanness. After my awakening I promised myself that I would love as profoundly as I felt loved in that moment that I died. I swore I would bring that sense of divinity back and it’s been a constant reminder that in one second life can change. Do your self a favor and live like if you are dying. It won’t matter what you did a year ago, tomorrow or in ten years. I will forever be grateful for the guidance and the knowing that all I am and forever will be is the embodiment of true love. In the end that is truly all that matters…to me.  And here is the story:

In a few days it will be a year that I died in the emergency room. One minute I was having chest pains, the next paralysis and finally a moment of leaving and visiting the other realm. It took months of me finding grounding in my body. I felt like I could not fit. I couldn’t grasp returning to the human world. All fear and anxiety had disappeared. All dreams, expectations, and purpose fell to the roadside. Those things that caused constant worrying somehow seemed mundane. Living was mundane, without meaning. My poor fiance couldn’t deal with this new woman. My best friend was fearful that I would return to the world of the dead. It was a constant source of questions, “Are you okay? Do you feel alright? Do you need anything?” I cannot begin to imagine what they witnessed and how they felt through it all.

I would stand in the dead of winter watching the wind go through the trees. I could spend hours listening to the earth stretching, hearing colors, tasting the land like something from a metaphysical movie. Life was surreal. I couldn’t relate to this place when what I witnessed in those moments of meeting Spirit was the most magical experience I could ever imagine. And, for the skeptic in me, if it was my imagination then I would rather that other place over anything here on earth.

Spirituality is a personal facet of my life. It is a path that I try to move through while fully being present in my human form. I am not a religious person, but have studied several religions and philosophies throughout the years. I pick and choose from belief systems those things that feel right. Spiritual direction is for me to travel and often in a lonely manner because let’s face it, spirituality is personal. It is intimate. But, everything I had believed until January 15, 2014, was incorrect. I didn’t see Jesus Christ. I didn’t see Buddha. I didn’t see any of the great masters. I didn’t see a tunnel with loved ones waiting to walk me down the spiritual hall. I only saw love and light. I was engulfed in the warmth of universal ecstasy.  I was in the arms and presence of Source.

Those first three months of 2014 required a constant taste of humanity. I had more Spirit than Ego. I had more essence and love than ever before in my 46 years. I had more presence. I had an infinite amount of time. Although the days still had 24 hours I was able to stretch them into infinite space. I returned with a high pitch that became a meter for b.s. I could read people’s thoughts. I returned with so much love that I would cry just holding a book, a plant, my lover’s hands, my child’s words over a phone call, the cat purring, the dog placing his head on my lap, and anything that came into my space with any feelings. I had a really hard time connecting to my humanness. I had an impossible struggle feeling the hurt that people constantly carry in their hearts. Life is not meant to be such a struggle…but here we are pursuing the impossible with tenacity and hardness while forgetting to breathe the privilege of being alive. We have little gratitude for who we are and what we are meant to be…Divine Spirits having a human experience.

On March a close friend allowed me and my best friend to go stay in her brother’s home on the outer banks of North Carolina for a weekend. I walked the cold beach. Its vacancy allowed me to be again with the earth away from the freezing weather in the mountains. I wrote. I rested. I shared stories with my friend. We cooked. We danced. We walked by ourselves along shorelines. I was once again held by the grace of Spirit, not only for sustaining me through this return in human form, but for allowing me to want to stay here. I got another chance! I have had several of these in my lifetime. But, I had never returned from the Omnipotence presence of love.

Love transcends all. It sees no color, no race, no discrimination, no age, no faults, not a thing. Love sees you and me and this marvelous experience we get to call Life. And, when we embrace it with complete and utter compassion we are returned to a place of mysticism, mystery and the wisdom of time.

As months overlapped, new responsibilities took hold of me. I became more human again. It no longer takes me hours to fit my essence inside of my body. I wake naturally tugged in it. I have had struggles and questions and disappointments, but I’ve had grace and love guiding me along the way. I don’t know why I died. I don’t have those answers. I don’t have direction for another. I am reminded that I have to work on my own journey constantly finding a footing. I overlook things because ego is constantly monopolizing my rational brain. After dying I try to step back and allow the signs of spirit to guide me. Sometimes in seeking, fate hides all resources. We are forced to take new direction.

The other day I told a friend that I felt like there’s no way I could help another. If I can’t get my own crap spiritually aligned how do I give advice to another suffering from lack of direction? Then it came to me: spiritual direction is about allowing our higher self to find the answers. We reach in and find the truth from faith and intuition. I cannot guide you without you allowing your own guidance to align with your wishes. Somewhere inside you have all the answers. I will not tell you what you need…but I can give you examples of what has worked for me. I can hold your human hands while cradling your heart with a whisper, a touch, a sweet smile and let you know that you are not alone. That’s all I can offer you.

You have to let go in order to begin living. Living is a courageous act balancing the physical forms with the spiritual ones. Allow spirit to guide you. It’s always there. We are made from love, to love, and be love. Mucho love to you, darling!  Begin with loving yourself!

Manifest

manifest

We ask. We pray. We yell and demand whatever it is we think will change our lives. We want it now. We want it yesterday. We ask some more. And in the asking we skip over the moments of quietude to wait for an answer from Divinity. Spirit has a way sending signs (literally in a huge billboard) or a song, a word from a stranger or a passage from a book. We get consumed in the illusion of what we assume would be the perfect answer. Listen through synchronicity. You know what you know that you know. So stop placing the stress OUT THERE to the universe without paying attention to your inner voice. You are the creator of your life and the Universe is your co-pilot of creation. Until you believe that you manifest what you desire you will continue to ask the outer world to fix what you can do yourself. Hold your knowing tightly and pay attention to the calmness of spirit. Your soul knows that timing is everything. Ask and it is given…but most of the time it is in a way that your imagination can never have created. It’s sweet and loving and magical.

BEcome the light you want in this world

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A few days ago our pint-size teacher stood in the living room trying to eat the light coming from the glass doors. She was trying to catch it with her hands.  She continued chasing it while keeping her mouth open twirling and falling and getting back up again. She wanted to eat the light as it was entering her space.  Her dance was magical as she was in her own moment of joy. Light attracts to light. We bring into our essence that which we put out. We are huge lighthouses helping others find their way.  Sometimes our light gets dim and we need to be recharged. It’s in those times that we need to find Divinity to guide us in creating more light or chasing it from nature.

I want to chase the light and eat it. I want to feel the presence of love and pure divinity on my skin like it shows on hers. I want to feel the essence of illumination coming from inside and outwards into the world.  I don’t have to see it.  I just want to feel it as much as possible.

May you not only chase rainbows and unicorns…but all the light the world has to offer you! BEcome that which you are but have forgotten.  Let your love and light shine from within!

The Union of two souls

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While on vacation a few weeks ago I had several moments of huge awareness and acceptance (sometimes those things are exhausting and at other times they are “AHA moments” that finally clear old beliefs from the heart). The first day when we arrived at the beach there were folks getting ready for a wedding. Everyone was wearing white. There was no distinction between colors or races. They all looked like heavenly angels, barefooted, walking the path to the altar on the sand. The scenery looked like something from a cheesy movie on the Hallmark Channel (so of course I was in heaven)!

I was moved, not just by this divine vision but also because we were in the midst of first times: first time that our baby would see the ocean, the first time my love and I would see it together, the first time that we had gone on vacation…and the first time I realized the sacredness of a gathering to celebrate the union of two souls. I had not stepped outside of my commitment phobia, ever, to accept this the way I embraced it at that moment while the rain gathered right there in the backdrop reminding me of how the winds of change are always in the distance. I saw the magic and mysticism in all those who were participating in this wedding. I had not understood a few things as I walked through the portal of so much love and acceptance. Sometimes awareness takes a lifetime. Sometimes it happens in the simplest moments of quietude. I love love. I love everything corny and romantic. This wedding did not have it like one would think looking at the scenery…it was much deeper. Perhaps it was just me that had gone to the depth of the ocean and I embraced it. It’s been a long time coming.

A few days after returning home I received an email from a dear old friend who has known me for the larger part of my life. In that email I was transformed in letting go of the old belief system that had kept me in the past. I had been imprisoned to old behaviors and memories of past lovers. I hadn’t realized it until I returned from this vacation. I was freed into realizing that I can move into commitment even when I have been so scared to do so. Matt has won the battle with lots of issues in the past two and a half years. He has shown me time and time again that no matter what we are a team. No other past relationship showed this. No other relationship put me first. I was always at the end of the to-do list. It was a convenience rather than a priority. And, although I would excuse those past behaviors I also allowed those old programming thoughts to partake in this beautiful union. I kept thinking of that beach scene and all those beautiful spirits surrounding this moment as my lover and I walked our child to the shore.

It has been 2-1/2 years of constant learning and loving and searching for the core of unity. Matt and I respect one another. We laugh louder and deeper than I have in the past. I have allowed blocks to show up and find excuses for not settling down. He has been there to guide me in these ups and downs of an old phobia, abandonment issues, and the realization that I want no other to be there when I wake in the morning. I haven’t been legally married since I was 22. But, I have learned that the thing about life is that phobias and fears bring on something deeper. They desire the searching and processing of an inner root that needs pulling or it will follow till the end of days to come. So I’ve taken a few weeks to look at these issues. I have written, analyzed and broken cords that had me attached to old paradigms. I have taken a real look at the ugly parts as well as the beautiful ones making this polarity of my spiritual being exceptional. I consist of everyone of those things that push and pull to teach me to be human.

Finally Matt and I decided that there was no time like the present. We’ve tried the wedding ceremony before and we both didn’t handle it well. We felt stressed and pressured. But now with a few years in between we embrace this surfing of union in an ocean of true love and acceptance. Life has changed drastically for the both of us. After having raised six children and finding my forties as a point of beginning a life for me the powers of BE decided that this man and a baby would be the ones guiding me into middle age. We are in the process of adopting our little girl together. I cannot imagine anyone else to spend my life with and all its geekiness, corniness, playing, joking, sarcasm, intelligence, and intimacy. I cannot imagine anyone ever loving this baby girl the way he does and continues to win my heart. We compliment each other because how else could you explain a spiritual-peace-loving hippie with a warrior-gaming-geeky nerd? You can’t! You can only understand that underneath it all there is such awareness of BEING and ALLOWING. He always says when I am ready to stop or quit something, “That’s quitter talk and it’s unacceptable!” I need someone who calls me up on my crap. He’s totally there for that! I expect nothing less. He allows me to roam free and be wild in my thoughts and beliefs and this is something foreign to me.

On that beach day as we were leaving the bride-to-be passed us on the boardwalk. She was splendidly gorgeous. I said, “You are a stunning bride. Exquisitely beautiful. Congratulations!” She was so present that she stopped as folks waited for her arrival, holding the bottom of her dress in her hands, “Thank you. You are very kind.” Her smile lit the darkened skies. And off she went. She was in the complete moment of NOW. I got in the car and contemplated that moment. I whispered to the inner child, “I’m ready!” She whispered back, “About time!”

Today I was in the complete moment of NOW realizing I am just as exquisite as that bride. I stood in front of a beautiful man and gave my soul, my promise and my vows to be his wife. To my beloved husband, “I vow to love and cherish you for the rest of my life. I vow never to go to bed angry; to continue to tickle you whenever I please; and give you a smile when you need one. I vow to pull you out of a funk, to kiss you with depth and tell you how much I appreciate you every day. I promise to let you raise my IQ as long as you let me lower yours at times. It isn’t healthy living with so many digits in that brain. You are my best friend, my partner, my lover, my confidant, my teacher and most of all my protector. Thank you for allowing me to be part of your life. I am forever grateful to the universal forces that brought us together on a beautiful spring day in a little coffee shop in the mountains. I love you, Matt.

To the Yesers and Dreamers

creations

I believe in fairy tales and happy endings. I believe in magic and the power to create all my dreams with enough zest and focus to light the path ahead. So when the world tells me that I “can’t believe in what doesn’t exist” I laugh. I giggle, disconnect from what is being said, and truly feel sorry for the person saying this to me. I can believe in whatever I want. That’s my right! There’s enough nay-sayers in the world. We need more yesers. We need the dreamers and misfits to stand up and show another side of creation. We need the writers, artists, creators, musicians, and sculptors to stand up and say, “See…there IS enchantment and magic and it comes from divine source.” We don’t need anymore negativity. There’s an over-abundance of that. We need the yesses, the of-course-we-cans, the I-done-it-before-and-will-do-it-agains, the nothing-stops-me-dreamers, the watch-me-take-notice-and-learn-not-to-give-up-on-fairytales folks….. We need a bunch of those to override the darkness that has been instilled in our world and paint it bright. Because…because…I do believe that we have the power to change everything in our lives.

This takes work and most people don’t want to stay on path of dreams. It doesn’t happen over night and it requires positive energy. You need faith and trust and a willingness to go into the unknown. But, you can do anything that you want. Your mind is connected to Source and everything you desire. I strongly believe that we can shift consciousness and awareness to show the world the magic wand that God gave us: LOVE….The love in thy self; the love towards a stranger; the love for life; the love for dreams; the love to heal; and the love to manifest your deepest desires. Use it wisely and with the biggest open-heart available. This is the secret of creation. Use it to mold and shape the life you want. You got this. Stop believing what others tell you that you can’t accomplish. Show them through allowing, creating and receiving! You really have nothing to prove to another but yourself. Don’t stop your dreams to make another happy in their disbelief. Misery loves company but you don’t have to entertain it.  You can choose to live in your own happy-ending-story!

You have choices

just do it

I was heading back up the mountain from Asheville this afternoon when I noticed all the buds on the trees. Ah, spring is re-birthing! I am so happy. I thought about the new moon and the eclipse tonight and all the things that I have read about the “power and intensity” of manifestation and creating, etc. etc. etc. It’s overwhelming all the articles written in regards to this specific new moon. I believe in the cosmic changes to an extent. But, I believe mostly in my feelings and how my “knowing” has been clouded lately. I see change happening quickly. I see my life transforming towards a way I never thought it would just a year ago. We all live by our choices. The way we become truthful to our desires is the way we expand and evolve. Sometimes we get stagnant and stuck because we are afraid of what others think. At other times we must retrieve and feel the changes, ask for guidance and then proceed with what is best for us. It’s when we don’t follow anything and we just keep wishing without action that we do ourselves a huge injustice.

I remember a joke about the Puerto Rican man who kept asking God to win the lotto. “Ay Dios mio (Oh my God) please help me win the lotto so I can help my son, so and so. Please, God.” Every day he would pray and beg for money to arrive through the lottery. Finally the man dies and goes to Heaven. He is in front of God and God says to him, “My son, is good to see you.” The man, very upset tells him, “Dios Mio, (My Lord) I have a bone to pick with you. I begged and prayed for the lotto every day for twenty years and nothing. I faithfully lived a life believing you would grant me this prayer….” He kept ranting and God smiled down at him and said, “Did it ever occur to you to buy a lottery ticket?”

Choices change our lives profoundly. Every decision we make is a ripple that leads to a path in life. We make choices to mend broken hearts, move, restart and reinvent ourselves, relationships, change of careers, and many other assignments that provide for our journey. I have trusted God/Divine Source to guide me. I have stopped when I have seen signs ahead. It’s not always been this way. I know now when the little voice whispers to listen. Whenever I ignore it I get sick: a bleeding ulcer or something worse. I am reminded that I have all the answers within me but I must trust. I must be guided by faith but also do my part to make things happen (otherwise I am being like the little Puerto Rican man who never bought the lottery ticket). By just sitting down and saying, “God, I need this and that could you please provide the next step” but I don’t do something to take me to the next step…that’s in injustice to my spiritual body. It’s unfair to my higher self. And, it’s a tremendous unrealistic expectation that will never be met.

We all know truth. It feels right. It looks sweet. It smells like freedom. We also know when we are delusional and thinking that by doing the same thing over and over we will get a different result. That’s insanity to the oomph degree. I asked myself these questions in my morning pages: “What choices have you made that have altered your life for the better? What choices can you make to change for the better at this moment? If you can do anything without anyone or anything stopping you, what would it be? What would your life look like if you proceeded with these choices? Can you allow for these changes and remain living the way you have been?” There were several other questions. It’s very difficult to be honest without feeling like others will be disappointed but that’s the thing about choice: they are yours alone. No one should choose or decide how you will live. If you feel stuck then it is time to set yourself free. If you feel invaluable then you better find something to help you get back to feeling worth it. We complicate life because of over thinking choices. Just do it…like Nike says!

Each one of us have different dreams. We have millions of stories that may run parallel to one another but no one can choose for you to be happy. You must find that within yourself. Just like spring, there is a rebirth waiting for us. It’s time to create a new story or just write a new chapter to the old one. Make out your lists, your wishes and allow the new moon, the cosmos and whatever else you call upon to help you manifest those things that will bring you joy again. You got this!

Love is Life

love life

Moments are the connections to life’s journey.  They are the process of all there is in some magical dance between synchronicity and love.  Each second connects into another.  Our own connection pulls and tugs to intertwine with each other.  By being aware of each moment we can join, partake, and openly participate in this creation of life.  That’s all there is: the taking of good and bad and surrendering to it all.  We co-create the stories.  We allow it to come and go, passing through the process of time and space.  Afterwards, when the stories are too much, the drama is too stale, and the tragic of not being at peace is maddening, we blame the universal forces for our participation in this co-creation.   We detach and close off from the universal element of love.

That’s all love is.  It lets go of boundaries, walls, and inhibitions.  At times, the dance involves fear and panic for allowing another co-creator take our desires when we gave them the power to do so.  The truth is that true love is effortless.  Not, that it doesn’t require work, but it’s just a rhythmic dance of ease and grace.  It devours intimacy by accepting and not holding back any of our insecurities.  Love doesn’t push.  It opens and breathes peace and trust.  It is raw and compassionate and all that is of God.  Love is accepting of another without judgment of your own self.  It brings you into a place of complete surrender.  It allows light into the darkest of places.

We complicate love with our agendas and traumatic experiences of lack.  We aren’t good enough.  We are not worth enough.  We are this and we are that.  Those beliefs are intergraded into our own hearts.  But truth be known, love doesn’t care.  Every other emotion lives in our head.   Love is the only one that lives in our heart…in Spirit.  We come into the world with this one and only sentiment.  The rest of them are acquired through life’s lessons.  But love is about relating to another, not losing yourself into that other person.  It’s a union of mind, body and spirit in a way that contributes to all that the universe has created.   Love is about being Divine.  With or without another to partake in the journey, the moments of true peace are those when the heart is open and the light of God shines through.

Pulling a Miracle

miracles

Our only car broke down yesterday down the mountain.  Matt was driving slowly when the right side ball joint came off.  Last year around this time the other side came off in a parking lot.  Both times the Divine has been with him in that he wasn’t driving fast or on the highway.  We are always taken care of in the way that suits our lessons and pushes the evolution of survival to expand in the awareness of God.  At the moment of the unfortunate event (and his growing agitation) I asked what I could do for him. His answer was, “Nothing. Unless you can pull a miracle out of your ass!”  And, so I sat at home and began to manifest a miracle.  Funny thing about miracles is that if you don’t specify what you are needing the Universe will give you another miracle that’s been in line waiting for the asking.

A few hours later my 19 year son, who left home a year and a half ago, called me.  He wanted to apologize for everything he ever did: the disrespect, the attitudes, the pushing away, the horrible things said about me, and the disregarding of my parenting authority.  We had not spoken in that time other than when he needed a specific paper or something for whatever he was trying to accomplish.  We had become two strangers.  I expressed to him, through heartfelt sobs, that he will forever be my son.  He needed to go off and find himself.  He needed to experience the rough edges of the world and return with scars from trying.  He needed to live out the illusions of freedom and what it returns when you aren’t careful in your decisions.  That’s the battle of youth entering adulthood.  There are lessons in letting go of our loved ones even when we know they may be hurt by their choices.  I obliged and respected his wishes to be left alone.  Not one day has passed that my prayers did not travel time and space to him.  We spoke for a short while.  I assured him that he could do anything he wanted to and that I would always be here because I was Mom.  I am proud that he is figuring things out.  This was a miracle in waiting.  It had been standing in line until I asked for it to come forward…”just a miracle” and no specifics.

There are nights I lay awake thinking about my six children. I am certain other parents go through the list of questions: What did I not do right? What could I have done differently? Will they look back and realize that love was always given in abundance? Will they have taken into adulthood the knowledge that material things don’t really matter? Questions gather and release. And, as I toss and turn, churning on the mattress, I come to listen to my inner guidance. I have done the best I could do under my limitations and capacity. People will always look inside glass houses, attempt to judge, criticize, and belittle. No one knows your path, the struggles along the way, the many times you had to bulldozed your way to the other side. These thoughts come and go during nights that sleep eludes me. And, then, another miracle appears: as daylight enters the room the Divine visits with assurance. I take deep breaths, thank the Universe for allowing me to redo all the wrongs, and continue learning. I go outside, sit on my deck and enter the church of nature. It is there that I find the peace to comfort my spirit and quiet the many unknowns. I am the best possible version of me and I whisper to God, “Thank you. Thank you. Thank you!” I am whole again.

Asking for a miracle is allowing God to align your wishes with what you deserve.  It is a faithful act of letting go and releasing to the unknown.  It is in believing that we are entitled to the impossible.  Once you know and feel the awareness of illusion in that everything is okay the world opens up to your every desire.  We have no control of what can and will happen.  That’s the miracle.  As Lemony Snicket says, “Miracles are like pimples, because once you start looking for them you find more than you ever dreamed you’d see.”  Allow those little pimples to pop and show you the beauty of your wishful heart.

All

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Today’s

curtain opened

with the scent of possibilities,

visions of greatness,

sweet melodies from beyond.

I can do this,

I have been afraid of nothing.

I wake embracing all there is,

all there isn’t

and move through the magic

of a fog

created for me.

We start where we are

working ourselves outward,

fighting inward,

like strangers in a war…

alone…

without connection.

All there is

is this perfection of God

making way towards oneness

while all the while

the internal wars and battles

fight between

Ego and Spirit.

In a single moment of impact

we are joined for years

in this thing

called Life

and the beauty that rises

is awe-stricken

to the masses of awakening…

you…

me…

ALL!

Composition of Love

love never failsThere’s a breaking point to everything.  Things begin to tip one way before returning to the center.  I hit a wall in the wee hours of a rainy morning a few weeks back.  I knew the calling had to be answered.  You want to get to know yourself?  Go off the media, news, computer, and any distraction.  There is a moment of discomfort that can lasts for days. Once you pass the hump of ego bitching you out you get to enter a place of humility.  It isn’t for the quitters.  It isn’t for the faint at heart.  It can be ugly, nasty, painful and full of emotional crap you never want to examine.  But, I promise that once you leave the comfort zone the world changes.  Hide for a bit, detach from others, and find solitude in moments of weakness and distress.  It’s okay.  It is always okay.  When you get to where you are going it is full of clarity and love. “Difficult roads often lead to beautiful destinations.”

On this particular night I made a choice to give myself some days off everything.  I would not eat meat or sugars during this time.  Every time I’ve done this (a few times a year) a huge blessing arrives with a complete understand of why my spiritual body urges me to do this for my physical and emotional parts.  As days began to unfold with the bitter taste of headaches, discomfort and other emotions the main issue stood in front of me.  This time it was about parenting.   Being a parent sucks at times.  I don’t know what to say or how to say it eloquently but as parents we go through the roller coaster of memories: those of the past and of the present.  We live every beginning simultaneously with an ending.

Sometimes love is the most difficult emotion of all.  The love for the self is always a struggle, especially for the caregivers.  Have I been consciously aware of all the mistakes?  Will I continue to make them again?  I can’t answer questions about the future.  I don’t know.  What I do know is that in the midst of a spring night my thoughts gathered in my chest, instead of my head, and dictated the doubts, anxiety, sadness, and confusion that in waking moments I don’t feel.  It’s as if the devil himself shows up to torture me.  Ego is his name!

Life has a way of entertaining me.  I don’t always need the many days I commit to take as a regimen.  The moment I begin the ritual God begins to show presence.  It’s as if love appears through everything I touch.  The composition of love has many layers: grace, attachment, charity, approval, adoration, recognition, passion, unity, forgiveness, letting go, spirituality, physical, devotion, and faith.  These are of course my colors for this painting I get to call MY LIFE.  I want to return to allowing love to raise me up; to perfect me to the best of me; to turn me inside and out with joy.  I don’t want to let the hurt I’ve felt through betrayal to stop this growth: physically, emotionally or spiritually.  I wear my heart on my sleeves for anyone to grab and own.  I don’t like feeling this wall of protection.  What I give out returns in abundance!  The forty days I planned on taking shorten the minute I begin to understand what was coming.

I have always said that my children have raised me into a human being of diversity.  They have been the cause of what and who I am today.  I am grateful for each one and their lessons.  This is the hard part of being a mother…totally entrusting and allowing.  It’s not easy.  For those who aren’t parents this seems so silly in nature.  It isn’t until you are responsible solely for another that you can embrace the capacity and limitations of your heart.  Having relationships or any other form of unity with another doesn’t compare to the conscious movement of mind and heart wrestling at all times for the welfare of a child (regardless of their age).  On a conscious level I am aware that we all come into this life on a journey full of lessons and experiences.  On an ego/human level I want to be the one to guide them.  It isn’t so.  Once I decided to stop the egotistical chit chat I was free of all expectations.  However, when one or two or three of these children hurt me within a short period of time, not trying to take it personally is really hard.  I am their common denominator.  I am the one who they are pushing away, pulling when they need to, and discarding when they are done.  The “not taking it personally” really is maddening.

So what I learned through two weeks of truly allowing is not to take things personally.  What others think of me is really none of my business…ever!  Love, unconditional or not, is the reason we exist.  In the process of all this detoxification we have a bundle of joy in our possession.  It isn’t an easy road ahead but nothing that is of magnitude, faith and love ever is.  We strive for stability.  God has answered through blessings and whispers.  At times the whispers have turned to opera status.  I get it.  I understand the lessons.

Listen to your inner voice.  Pay attention to the whispers.  I try not to discuss my spiritual growth or lay do’s and do-not’s upon anyone.  This is mine to master until my last breath.  I have no answers to what happens to anyone else.  I only know what Spirit guides me to do.  Second guessing myself is definitely a no-no.  Sit still and listen to yours.  We can accomplish anything and everything when we allow God to lead us. Love never fails because it is the composition of the Divine.