Anger and Grief
Last week I re-read a memoir I started writing many years ago after an accident that erased my memory. Now, so many years later, returning to it caused me a great amount of emotional distance and the ability to finish it. Life has truly had some wonderful turn of events. But after reading it I was deeply angry for several days. On the drive to the beach I shared the range of emotions with my hubby. I explained I wasn’t so much angry with those who hurt me as I was with myself for allowing it to go on for so many years. We talked about those things in the intimate manner that only someone who knows the real you can support.
Slowly the anger showed up as grief. I mourned the parts I lost. But I also rejoiced in all that I gained. I sat with those things outside last night under the yummy scenery and let go. With every mosquito bite, or chiggers sucking at me, I released parts of the grief. I left them by the river. I allowed the new me to emerge through self-compassion.
That’s the thing about time and anger: it disguises itself in the most perfect of ways. I’ve done a LOT of release this year, huge strides in healing. I’ve mostly forgiven me. And in that surrender I have met some deeply powerful and authentic humans. Because of doing the work, I am meeting magnificent mirrors. I love you all. I get to see the real me through such divine guidance.
Allow yourself the gift of surrendering, sitting with the emotions, and making friends with them. Send them love. Don’t sensor your waves of ups and downs. That’s the soul expressing itself through spiritual growth.
You must confront those things in order to let them go.
That’s It Point
I have a That’s-It point of anger. It’s that reference point of “enough is enough.” It’s when I let things go and allow others to push and pull until one moment I look at them and loudly say, “That’s it!!!” My children always knew that moment growing up. They would see my eyes turn into something unrecognizable. I think everyone has a “that’s-it” moment. I have patience for a lot of things. It takes me a long time to get to that very second when I will no longer tolerate things as they are. I begin to see black and no amount rainbows or unicorns will lighten the situation. In my life that moment meant that everything I believed to be true was out the window. I would lose my head. Today I was thinking about my many “That’s-It” moments. Some could have been avoided. Others came without a warning to those who pushed and shoved and saw a woman turn different colors.
These days I try desperately not to get to that point. I don’t allow another to dictate my worth or lack of respect to then turn me into a monster. There are people out there who enjoy seeing a person lose it, escalating to the point of no return. They thrive on the energy of toxicity to reassure themselves that they got the attention and your power. It’s sick. These are the people who have such negative vibration that everything around them is always dramatic. They are also full of illnesses, major obstacles and huge misfortunes.
DO NOT ALLOW another to push you to the edge of “That’s It!” Do not give them the power to enjoy your retaliation, anger, rage, and intolerance. The world right now is having so many “That’s-It” moments. It’s everywhere. We are witnessing violence everywhere through discrimination, bigotry, hatred, indifference and lack of respect. I crave to turn those events into beautiful AHA Moments of joy. I want to believe we can make a difference when we don’t feed into such mass negativity but shift consciousness into light and love.
Someone recently pushed me to that point of pure hatred. I didn’t recognize myself. I began to enter into a depression that truly concerned me because I felt helpless, useless, and hopeless. It was the last time I have allowed another to get me so rattled up. I get lost in that anger and it lasts sometime. I traveled through darkness for weeks in silence and didn’t share with many. And, once I forgave myself for allowing that person to hurt me so deeply I was able to see the sunlight. I was able to find joy again. It was in that moment that I promised myself that I will no longer have “that’s-it” challenges because I will not excuse their behaviors, enabling them to take responsibility for their actions while throwing their garbage on me. I hope to continue evolving into a soul who doesn’t allow those things to affect her.
Be gentle with you. Be in love with you. Accept that not everyone is on your same spiritual path. It’s okay. Send them love and send them on their miserable way. That’s all you can do. But, honor your spirit. You are not meant to act and react like the Incredible Hulk! Let’s all sparkle on!!!!
The Sacredness of Holding Space
When my mother was dying she came to visit for a few weeks. She lived with my sisters in South Florida and I lived in Orlando. My mother’s health had deteriorated significantly in a matter of six months. Cancer was eating at her through every cell and pore of her existence. It (the cancer) became the focus of everything. She was waiting on death to finally take her. She had stopped taking her medicine and refused to eat. I began to see my mother as a little girl needing the support of others. It was in those final hours leading to her death that I learned what it was to hold space for another. It was then that I realized the frailty of life and all we take for granted.
Holding space for someone who is sick or dying is about walking along their side without judgment, not making them feel inadequate and allowing their essence to feel free to just be. My mother taught me many things about our relationship those last few weeks of her life. I had to offer unconditional support with patience and a sacredness that didn’t come easy at times. I had to step back and remember integrity and dignity of a dying person. We only want to be heard…to the last dying breath. Her need to always control all situations had diminished. What was left in its place was humility and the acceptance that she was frail and vulnerable. She was afraid. She was resentful at times. But, most of all she wanted to feel loved no matter how hard she pushed.
There are times we find that holding space is truly the only thing we can do for another. This time was about allowing her to just be ever present without trying to fix anything. I was reminded recently of these memories when I visited one of my clients at a facility. Now under hospice care, she just needed to have me there even while not knowing who I am. She just needed me to hold her hand and touch her. My mother craved for this caress in the end of her life, but her pain from cancer was unbearable. She would reach out in the silence of the room to just acknowledge her presence. With each hand touched it was as if she was saying, “Sweetheart, I am still here. Do you see me? Do you feel me? Don’t forget me!”
The act of holding sacred space is important in all relationships. Children need this time to know they are being loved and cared for unconditional. Lovers require this cherished time to show their union. Even pets provide the perfect cues for this sacredness. We are in need of these sanctified moments that express in silence to another, “I am here for you. There is nothing to do. I see you. I feel you. I acknowledge your life.”
You matter. He matters. She matters. Our presence is all that connects us to God. Holding space is about being present without distractions and allowing another to feel Divinity through the eyes of your love.
The Loss of What Is or Not
Loss is inexplicable regardless if it’s through death or a falling out and misunderstanding. Loss cuts deep in the core of the heart and psyche. I’ve learned a few things about this. I have been on the giving side of losing and the receiving side of loss. Sometimes it doesn’t matter what side you are on…the pain is still there. At times I even forget who was on what side of the issue.
Words have tremendous powers. They are whips that create profound welts, feathers that mend the heart, and at times, the bullet that kills everything. Perhaps because I am overly sensitive words have an extraordinary effect that is hard to forget. However, I forgive myself for words heard and used. I am human. I make a million of mistakes. I am impatient. I am the most stubborn person I’ve ever met. I am overly positive at times that I don’t see the pitfall of things to come. I do tend to be forgetful over time. And, and I carry my heart outside of my chest exposed to all who want a piece. I lay it all out there for the taking…even when ego borrows it and damages it for a bit.
The heavy rain this weekend has poured out a bunch of emotions. It’s as if heaven is crying. It stops. It starts again. It comes down like a tantrum and then slowly reduces its energy. With it all the energy of the land it is overly charged. Rain allows for the veils of here and there to thin out. The esoteric world becomes a lining of this one in a very visible manner. I have been on an exhausting emotional roller coaster taking messages from above and beyond. There’s a conscious shift happening and I am standing on the sidelines witnessing it: for me and for others.
Loss has been the theme this weekend. We all want to be heard. We all want to be understood. We all want to believe it’s not our fault when the shit hits the fan. But, part of our lessons here is that it is our fault. It’s our fault when we participate in the drama. It’s our fault when we don’t take full responsibility for our words and our actions. It’s our fault when avoidance becomes the elephant in the room. I can take full responsibility for that one. I hate confrontations. I will go around and around to make sure that something is not in my face going off at me like a hungry tiger ready to eat me. But, I also have a default and when pushed to a corner I become the tiger without a care in the world who is there. It does, however, take a long time for me to get there.
A dear friend asked me one day why I avoid getting into an argument. I have a fairy-unicorn-happy like concept. It’s not wrong and it’s not right. It just is. My belief is that if given enough time things always subdue. If allowing for the strains to energetically tire out everything returns to harmony. Then I come to realize it isn’t always so. Sometimes…only sometimes…perhaps more than sometimes…a person needs to go off. A person needs to truly be heard. A person needs to put another in their place. The bullying and passive aggressive behavior must end. But…there are always three sides to every story: mine, yours and the truth. It’s all about perception. And, I believe loss is inevitable at times. People come into our lives for a reason and a season. Whether it’s through death or through different paths, we are always going to be connected.
I met a man in the checkout isle two days ago who had Parkinson’s disease and was here visiting from California. His wife gently guiding him to put the things on the counter, while he chit-chatted about my groceries, forced me to stop and pay attention to those things not said but seen through energy and gestures. It doesn’t matter what was said…but I realized at the moment of impact that he and I were connected forever. It’s that simple. Not one person comes into your life without a reason. Believe me when I say this. Each…Single…Person…Matters!
So…with all this great amount of water on our mountain I have had the privilege of being up for hours entertaining souls and energies who have passed on, some in my memories that will never be part of my life even though they are alive, and others who are just plain old lost in time. We want forgiveness. We want to leave a legacy. One thing that I do understand and cherish is that two things matter in our lives: love and awareness of another. We only want to know we matter. We only want to know we touched another. Say your sorry’s, your I love you’s, your sweet words of acknowledgment…now…not later. Say what needs saying even when you don’t want to tackle the truth. As time passes the truth also becomes distorted. Let it go. That crap has no business being part of your today. If it pains you then it’s time to release it. You have been given another opportunity today to live. Let Divinity do its work…forgive and love. I love you. Have a blessed Sunday.
The moon woke me from a deep slumber right before midnight luring me outside. I sat on my deck inhaling its energy. It was a clear night. I could see the stars brightly shining on this property. The breeze danced through the trees along with the wind chimes. Each breath I took seem to lead me into prayer and then deeper into meditation. I closed my eyes and began giving all to the light. I opened my heart widely and poured out the love to the universe.
I could feel the vibration from the light healing me, reactivating intuition, and sending me to a place of peace. I live for these moments in full connection and harmony with nature. There is presence. I heard ruffling below as if I had an audience witnessing this bathing of soul. What happens when we open so widely that the world around us becomes magic? Every single cell expands in gratitude.
I was out there for a long while. Several hours passed without consent. I don’t know where I went. I don’t know how I got to the place of serenity that encompasses my divinity. I am grateful not to have to logically figure it out. I don’t need to. God is an omnipotence force that embraces every cell in me.
The wind kissed me often, chilling me to the bone, then warming me back to life. It played with me for a long while until I had to get a blanket. I returned to the womb state cocooned in comfort. There was a mystical force under that moon so powerful that I could not return to bed. I saw me. I saw the world in that moon.
I had a bad day yesterday. I was stricken by sadness and anger. A dear friend who is very intuitive messaged me asking how I was doing. I wrote back: “I wish I could lie and tell you that I am doing fabulous. I wish I could do it without guilt and shame. I am a freaking mess today. I have had hurt come up sitting today in places that have been abandoned…dusting these crevices is not easy. Getting rid of the cobwebs is not fun. I have to continue being in the moment. It’s a conscious effort all day long…breathing and reminding myself that I am not my thoughts, my anxiety nor my memories. This is all an illusion. I am just trying to surf this ebb. I am stricken by anxiety that is causing me panic attacks…this is how I know change is close.”
These are not emotions I entertain often. Once I finished sending the message I felt worst. I don’t want pity. I want a solution to these emotions that are coming up. They have their reason for visiting. I know this. This cosmic drainage is not for sissies. This constant wave of pushing and pulling from the bottom of my spirit is not normal. Or is it? Is this part of the conscious shift? Is this part of my emotional and spiritual growth and evolution? Are others feeling this so intense?
I don’t condone a pity party to visit and stay. I don’t know where it came from with such force and I know better than to dive wholeheartedly into it. But, I did. I have to give myself permission for days like that. Today is different. The moon cleared me up like a crystal pulling source from light. There was an inner battle going on and the light of the moon helped clear things up.
Allow yourself time to moon bathe. Give yourself permission to listen to all parts of you under the night sky. When all else is quiet you can feel your truth rise to salute you. It’s not just magical, it’s part of your existence. You are not surviving. You are living in divine light experiencing through love and lessons. You still have tonight to experience this enchantment…go play. Find your unicorn, fairies, and make it a magical night. Dance in the moonlight!~ I love you.
Clean it up
A couple friends of ours came over for dinner last night. We shared stories and this wonderful calmed soul shared about her home intrusion a few years ago. She and her husband were still living in the city and would come up to their cabin in the mountains on the weekends. On this particular afternoon she walked alone into her home and found several people there, a disarray of personal items trashed all over, meth being cooked in her kitchen, a half a pizza still in the oven, and the invasion of strangers going through her stuff while residing in her sacred space. She began yelling and told the folks as they rallied to get out “to start cleaning up!” As she was sharing this story it was hard to conceive. She’s so poised, gentle and collected. But, then again I cannot imagine what goes through anyone in stressful moments. We all react differently from what we think we would when exposed to fight or flight response. I asked her why she made them clean it up even though they took off (she could have been hurt as they were off their minds loaded on drugs). She said that it pissed her off to no end to see her house in that kind of chaos. She’s a very clean and neat woman and I can only imagine the trigger it set off in her. She said that there has only been two times in her life that she screamed the way she did and that was one of them.
When they left last night I thought about my own invasions and intrusions. I thought about how great it would be if I could stop the thoughts in my brain with just a few words, “Hey, clean up this mess. Return the brain to its original format.” After all, our thoughts are in-house mechanisms. They control the body. If I could just step away and consciously stop the chaos, disarray and invasion of negativity, I can win the battle of ego vs. spirit.
We are complex beings. I often think about how hard it is to remain in this body for however long it takes us to learn the lessons we come here for. It’s tough. It’s rough at times. But, I believe that our biggest intruder in our lives are the thoughts that we carry around. We begin circling, chaotically entertaining the nonsense. We cook the addictions and sit back and trash any logical thought out of the area of optimism. We push and shove the spiritual intuitions into a closet and destroy ourselves in the process. We allow the invasion of Ego to take over, sometimes to the point of lying around and feeling the desperation. We call that survival but it’s not. It’s actually the opposite. We are giving into the martyr-ship, pity, and self-sabotage that the mind creates to shut us down and separate from our spiritual truth. That’s when we need to say, while snapping our fingers in the air in a very stern manner, “Hey, hey, yo’ no way…clean up right now! This is only a moment, a perception, and shift in consciousness! Get back on track! Stop!!!!”
I believe it’s our human right to allow things to come up and out. It is also our divine right to stop the madness, the intrusions, the invasions of emotions that serve only for control through fear. We are programmed and wired to dive into the negative first through anxiety, expectations, what if’s, and other ways that force us to unravel and feel fractured. No way! It stops here. If and when the next invasion of discomfort arrives…might be 10 minutes from now…I will stop myself, tell the little committee in my head to “clean it up and put things right back to how they were.” I want rainbows and unicorns up there. I want sunshine and happiness. I don’t need this crap messing up my day and forcing me stand on the edge of insanity when it was created by me all along. Have a blessed one, y’all!
Reflections of Light
Carl Jung said, “We meet ourselves time and again in a thousand disguises on the path of life.” I am consciously aware of this statement. Our behaviors, actions, thoughts and a million other accounts intercept, connecting you and me as a reflection of one another. Our paths intertwine, cross and perhaps for a millisecond, touch. Many spiritual practices express the need to empty the mind, the baggage of the past, as not to burden or share our toxic waste with another when we are in the worst possible space in our lives. This is always a challenge. It becomes even more so when you are trying to stay on a high vibration (of joy and optimism) and someone with a lower negative one comes into your space. What does one do in order not to let their issues become yours? How can we remain in a place of compassion and not carry their issues? How can we truly help another unless we see ourselves through their eyes?
A wise friend several years ago shared a small lesson in how to deal with others. She said that we are all mirror images of one another reflecting the duality of darkness and light. The things that irritate me in someone else are usually things I need to look at and investigate in myself. If they didn’t become magnified through those annoying moments then there is nothing that pertains to me. The ego takes a beating when we start to be honest with our darkness. Egotism rises to a level that can create psychological fragments causing illnesses, depression, and disorders. No one ever wants to admit their ugliness, which is not monstrous…it’s part of our humanness teaching us through those emotions, actions, and lessons. The more we start digging in our psyche the angrier Ego gets. But, in order to see the true image in others with love (the good and the bad) one has to empty out the crap inside. It’s a must! It’s also work in progress. Just when you think you dealt with one trait…bang..another one comes up like a nasty pimple to the surface. My friend suggested to truly look at those qualities and imperfections with love. I believe in doing so we transcend to a place of oneness and unconditional acceptance. You don’t have to condone or take on their issues and behavior, but you can understand that they are parts pertaining to each of us.
We are all created in pure perfection of Divinity. There is no one less or more; exceptional or depleted; wiser or thoughtless. The spectrum of reality is all an illusion. We get to choose those parts in another, the disguises, that accommodate us well. I am learning that when someone’s costumes and drama brings out the worst in me I need to truly listen to what is not being said. I try to remain kind as much as possible. I don’t do confrontations. I refuse to be nasty, especially if that person is having a nasty moment. Two elevated-angry souls is a recipe for disaster. I often step back and watch the disguise peel off, the inner child evolving and standing naked, as the reality of what brought that moment hits the surface. I begin to see the reflection of me ego-less. I believe our oneness is what creates the whole of us…together in this small blue planet. I begin to witness life through a different lens. I am not having to remove myself completely or run from the situation. I can stand there in my nakedness as well and be vulnerable.
We really are not what happens to us along the way. We are every decision we choose to believe and accept. We are unfinished compositions of art painted through love, strokes of genius, and divine colors of light. Let the light in you always reflect the light in me. I have to remember that we are always staring at mirrors of the inner child. And, what do children love more than anything? To love, laugh, and play! Love and light, my friends!
The Art of Learning Patience
I was sitting around the pond with a guest yesterday. She was sharing her stories and how she has finally realized that she’s a healer. That’s all she wants to do. I listened attentively to the things said and not said. Her quiet husband sat on a lounge chair next to her every so often nudging or agreeing with a “yes.” At one point she stopped mid sentence, got closer to me and in a very charismatic voice commented, “You are such a patient person for being an Aries.” I laughed and said that I didn’t have a patient cell in my body. I have to work REALLY hard for it. I shared my recent metamorphosis (without details) in a manner that allowed her to process regardless of religious of spiritual beliefs. I told her that patience has allowed for incredible opportunities to create depth in my life. She understood as I noticed the change of her eyes fill with Divine light. I expressed that being mindful has allowed me to sense agitation, anger, and a level of awareness that doesn’t go directly into judgment or criticism. I am mindful of all emotions and release them. I also know how to process those things that can create turmoil. There’s little expectation therefore there is little creation of impatience. However, patience is a muscle. It needs to be worked on and tended to as much as possible (especially if you suffer from the lack of it). Because it is not something that arrives naturally in my humanness I am deeply aware that opportunities arise in order to practice patience.
I require peace in my life. Anytime the scales shift to chaos I am reminded that it is momentarily. The impatience creates a depth of mindfulness and allows the search for lessons, instructions and guidance. The minute I stop and step back (sometimes after yelling profanities alone in the woods and kicking a rock) I can return to the equilibrium of a healthy peaceful life. In my imperfections I am aware of my perfections. The walk lighter while discovering that patience is inside of each of us. Just a short reach away!
Months ago I was in the presence of someone who was not very kind. The harder I tried to show kindness, compassion and love, the more I was rejected with criticism, sarcasm, and bigotry. I consider myself a level-headed woman. I realized it wasn’t about me. It was a projection. But, in that projection I stepped back several times and asked myself, “Do I also have these traits inside? Am I often quick to judge and not understand? In that moment of not being understood, am I fake in my truth?” It is amazing the things we gather when we stop and question.
One of the most difficult and generous lessons I am learning is that there is no substitute for being present and paying attention. Kindness comes natural to me. Love pours out with such easiness at times that those around me must remind me to hold back and not be so trustworthy. I don’t care. I rather have loved and hurt than not show someone a little piece of light in hope. Love is hope. Love is acceptance. I am sure every one of you reading can add a million adjectives to what love carries in and out of the spirit.
This particular person strengthened me, once I recaptured the rejection, by reminding me of hurt. Those who are broken from the past will lash out to the light in others. Darkness always tries to resist light at first. To make the moment with this woman even more intolerable I kept trying to touch her. At the end of the few days of being in my presence she did hug me with such regret, not from her humanness-ego-filled body, but from her spirit yearning to be held. In that moment I saw her…her real self made of love.
Kindness is such a powerful tool. It is free. Everyone has stories that mold them. The secret is to realize that these stories need release. Not every single human being will hurt you. We were not created to live in oppression, negativity, and carrying bags of turmoil. Let’s drop the dirty laundry, folks! It is time to take the junk to the dumpster. We cannot continue to hurt others because of feeling ashamed, unworthy while punishing our spirits for the past. The older I get, the less I carry around. I am no saint. I have done my share of sinful crap. These are the milestones that have sustained my weight to get here. What you do today is a new stone making way in the future. Don’t hold resentments and anger for things you cannot change. Challenge yourself to create a new beginning full of love, forgiveness, hope, grace and kindness. How you treat someone speaks volumes about you and them! I could’ve treated this woman with the same anger and hatred. I chose to hold love in her presence. And, guess what? After a weekend that woman was different. She didn’t know what hit her. We all have wounded parts. Some days we are the saints, and some days we are the sinners. Don’t take things personally. Learn from them and move on. Love is the Divine wrapped in wings of forgiveness and grace!
“Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.” ~ Mark Twain