We are moving through toughness

I sat with my coffee mug snuggled inside both my cold hands while I was in a lotus position on my sofa this morning. The only light in the room was a salt lamp. I felt the heat from the mug rise to my face.

I’ve been cold.

I’ve been lost.

I’ve been sad.

And I’ve been questioning every single thing in my life. I have been tracing and retracing decisions, analyzing them in a forensic manner. It’s not like me. Yet, for weeks I’ve done nothing but try to fix past choices.

I’ve gone back in dreams trying to redo wrongdoings and the outcome never changes.

I know this is beyond ridiculous. But one thing that has shown up is that I’ve let go of regrets and resentments during these moments. It has helped clear up old karmic connections.

I have cut cords and allowed things to just be.

I entered meditation earlier this morning. The sound of darkness engulfed me. I felt the sting of grief come up again. It’s been coming and going for a bit. I felt the five stages come up in intervals: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. The meditation was more like a release than a sacred ritual. And, that’s okay too.

I have no reasons for moving through this dark night of the soul. I’ve gone through this so many other times. I don’t know why it has reappeared. But, I do know that it won’t just disappear until I allow its course without resistance. I must do the work in the same manner that I tell my personal clients during intuitive counseling sessions. I’m no different than anyone else. I cannot help another if I don’t walk the same paths of least resistance.

I have a new day job. I’m working with infants. It’s been several weeks. I’ve moved from mental health nightmares to pure light in newborns. It’s been draining and exuberant simultaneously. It’s a bizarre contradiction. My days are long and physically draining. Before this they were long and emotionally vampiric.

I’ve experienced the duality of what makes us human. I’ve seen darkness and, now, light. But a part of me is in the middle asking and demanding all sorts of answers from the cosmos.

A friend gave me an intuitive reading months ago. She said I would be entering one of the darkest periods of my life. I told her, while laughing, that I have experienced those before. It surely cannot be that bad. (What a way to contradict experiences before they even happen)! I promised her I would be gentle with myself. I don’t do victim mode at all. I have little patience for pity parties. Yet, here I am. I find myself struggling with the most mundane decisions: hair up or leave it down. So I try both ways and instead of choosing a style I spend part of my day obsessing with it. Up and down. And the same goes for what I wear, what I need to say, and what I should be doing with my life.

This is not me. I have the impatience of a two year old with myself. I get shit done. I move to the next thing. Not lately! It seems as of everything is moving in a slow escalator and I must wait to get to where I’m going because it’s full of people and I can’t pass them. I’m at the mercy of the universe.

I had to remove myself from social media. I deactivated Facebook. I deleted Instagram from my phone. In order to survive whatever this is I have to make my world super small. Except for those who need a session, I’ve had to cancel commitments, events and just concentrate on this very single moment.

This is not for sissies. I told a dear friend this weekend to check on her friends…the ones who suddenly disappear and retreat into their world because it’s dangerous. I feel the more awakened one becomes the more disconnection shows up from the 3D world. It’s hard not to question everything. It’s hard not to want logical answers for the reasons we must struggle.

I have endless questions and then have to remind myself to just be.

Darlings, I’m feeling your heaviness. I read your messages and emails. I feel the collective and how this spiritual ascension is triggering us all. We are having to revisit old crap. We are having to let go and forgive. It’s okay. You are not alone. I have to believe we will be better once we get to the other side of this. I feel it. But in the meantime allow for the discomfort. Make time to be alone. Put your tiny world in the utmost priority. Put yourself in a bubble of self love.

I am with you holding you in grace….

I love you!

Message in Meditation

Trust is an emotional mechanism that was placed in our DNA when we began creation. The collective and society, through fear and other low vibrational frequencies, have caused it to downgrade. We question it. We don’t use it as we should. There is a default programming in its place. So we no longer just trust. We struggle with it. We have been shown over and over that it isn’t a means to survive. We don’t trust or allow for intuition to guide us.

When we return to our origins, through love, Trust will be the first input to be upgraded again. It is still in our DNA. It’s been muted. It’s been centuries of misuse and abuse. It is about to return as our guidance. Soon! We are being awakened slowly. It was designed to be right now in this time.

Humanity needed to experience all that it has endured. We are a stubborn race. We have more followers than leaders. And the leaders have guided through manipulation of fear and repression. They know how to play the part. The followers have also played their role. The imbalance is soon to tip the scales.

Trust will return with ascension. It will be intuitively available to guide us again. It is our internal GPS. Those who are ready will begin to feel it in their solar plexus and use it to create a new world. You are experienced the massive amount of energy at this time. Many will not question what the masses are leading. And in this trust we will once again become whole as one. There will be millions not ready to awake. It’s not your job to provide the push for them. Those are their lessons and contracts before coming into this incarnation. Your only job is to love and show love through your own journey. People don’t learn through words. They evolve through experiences. They see and imitate what feels good.

Don’t judge. Don’t manipulate. Don’t enforce your beliefs. Don’t attack. Don’t hate. Don’t do anything to force another to think as you do.

Love…over and over… is the key to open all the unlocked passages in humanity. Forgiveness heals through love. Trust opens because of love. We change and expand because of love. When in doubt just love. Accept it as the answer to all there is and all there ever was.

Descending into Ascension

ascension

It just takes one day,

a courageous moment –

if you will –

of allowing your soul

to open up

and descend,

releasing all plans,

conceived notions,

while letting go

the expectations

of finding a safety net

to catch the endless fall

into an unknown abyss.

As you open your eyes

the awareness of ground

brings the clear realization

that you’ve never left

your space or time

because surrendering

bears that freedom

that pushes and is constantly saved

by faith in divinity

and the miracle of accepting

that which you cannot see.

Immediately you will leave ground,

flying eternally

through worlds full of secrets,

ambiguity,

unexplained peace and beauty,

never seen by your imagination.

It is then that your soul

finally meets the real you

embodied in the mystery

of Spirit….

It is then

that you become the authentic

YOU who was created

for this life

full of love and compassion.

Death of Self

consciousness

I am free in a way I’ve never known before. Everything that led me here has been magnificent. I am the most stubborn person I’ve ever met. I don’t do things in a easy way. I do them in my way. I don’t learn through effortless energy or through the mistakes of others. I learn through struggle, falling down and picking myself up. Until recently this was my genetic makeup. Until just a while ago. See, I finally got tired of making things so difficult. It took a severe case of amnesia, ending up in the hospital and even a near-death experience to stop the insanity.

My ego will never be erased completely but it has diminished greatly. It will never ever be gone. There are temporary moments of bliss without the ego chit chatting away that I wish would last forever. But, there are greater moments now than before this small death in which there is little fear, if any at all. I still have a million imperfections and quite a few that I’m sure annoy those around me. I am human. I am compassionate, silly, kind, oblivious, loving, sympathetic, courageous, spontaneous but I am still human with many flaws. But, they are MY flaws and I don’t feel the necessity to apologize like I used to on a daily basis for being me. I don’t go around trying to instill my ideas onto others, unless they ask what I think. And as always I try to tell them what I think by lovingly saying, “I believe….I think….this is only my opinion.” I don’t have the answers. Nowadays I am guided more by intuition than the analytical mind. This is a first in all of my life.

A small death has taken place inside of me. I don’t know when it has happened in the past 12 months but it did. I believe it was a gradual demising. I don’t think it was suddenly because I would have noticed. The death of ego and all that it entails has also allowed me to surrender to feel comfortable in my own skin and in my choices of life. I am letting go of so much these days. It isn’t just the material world, it’s also the need to make sure everything and everyone around me is okay. I don’t have the passion to fix anyone just so I don’t see their hurt. No one is broken. No one needs fixing. I can see the profound expansion of lessons through their eyes, their touch, and their silence and I am able to sit with them. I am able to get angry and allow the emotions to come out in a healthy way. I am able to laugh uncontrollably and feel orgasmic joy for an entire day. I keep meeting folks who are also transitioning into the death of self. It’s magical. I don’t quite know what’s going on with this mass conscious shift but I am enjoying the journey. I am not alone. This makes it even more precious!

I love the conscious birth of acceptance. I love how being present is by far the most amazing form of BEing. I love how I can now sit and watch nature for a long time without the need to do anything else. I love how I have given myself permission to rest. I love how I don’t have to expect things to just fall quickly. I am learning that patience is not so much a virtue but a reality of living this moment. I am embracing faith and the Oneness of the universe. I am allowing my thoughts to move through and not obsessing over every single thing the mind insists on entertaining. The ego is a mastermind in manipulation. I am deeply aware now when it starts the drama.

This death of ego-self is unrecognizable to anyone else. I am certain others don’t see the change, like when I lose or gain weight. Or when I color or cut my hair. Or even when I wear make-up. The death of my egotism is not noticed because it’s subtle. There is a lack of judgment. People know they can share something with me because I am not here to judge them. But they don’t see that as the death of my old self. This type of death is best describe as a true awakening from the illusion of reality.

Death is not like going to sleep, it’s more like waking up from a dream and realizing the person you were in the dream wasn’t you, the problems you had in the dream weren’t your problems and waking up from the dream to this world is like going back to sleep again and waking up in a dream world, forgetting who we are again and getting lost in the dream character, the character who we think we are and who has problems. Waking up in a dream and realizing we are not the dream character but the dreamer is enlightenment.” ~ Emmanuel Diogu

A few nights ago I couldn’t sleep. I spent hours meditating on love. I began sending love to my closest family members, then friends, then strangers, then the world…moving from continent to continent. I felt my heart expand. Many times I sobbed while my heart ached with a thousand heart beats. As I departed several places where I know there are wars, death and mass destruction I found myself gasping for air: breathing deeper and exhaling every negative emotion attached to those places. I loved profoundly without being able to verbalize it, even now. I was cradled by God in a way that touched the core of all human connection. I received a clear message that Love is Letting Oneness Vibrationally Expand. This is what I was doing…expanding through vibrations. Death came and went many times during those moments. I don’t know where the hours went. Somewhere during my travels I lost space and time. It happens a lot lately. I am able to move through the veils of illusion and not be rushed.

My mini death moments are happening closer together. I do question a lot of things. That’s part of my newness. I was never one to question purpose and the unexplained notions of the world. I marvel at the simplest acts, and cherish the lessons that become our stories. I love these stories more than anything especially when they from others. So, thank you for allowing me to share my life with you. Thank you for allowing my moments here and partaking on my journey. I love you! I love that we might not know one another but we are deeply connected by the cord of humanity. Love and light to you!