Shelter

The skin that I wear
has layers of years
molded to remind me
of the detours
I took long ago.

This body,
this shield,
is here to clothe
the very essence of
my being.

It isn’t a reflection
of what you see.
It is the comfort,
a home,
for you to find
and rest upon
with each word,
touch, and
embrace.

I am all,
and more,
less the masquerades,
of what others
expect.

I am me…
I am spirit…
I am.

Fear of Success

fear of failure

I don’t consider myself a fearful person. I don’t live based on worrying about things that I can’t control (which is mostly everything in life). But, for a long time I have been hiding a fear that, until a few days ago, didn’t show itself into my awareness. I have been fearful of success. I have stopped myself so many times because of not hurting anyone with my career choices. It wasn’t until a few days ago when I was redoing my blog and giving it a new face-lift that I said to my husband, “It was time to do this. I don’t know why I haven’t taken care of this before.”
My husband immediately answered, “You have been paralyzed by the fear of success.” I pulled away from the computer and looked at him across from the dining room table. He was right. I have stopped growing with my writing career so I wouldn’t hurt anyone else. I feared that if I succeeded others might not love me or accept me. I feared that my success would alienate others who didn’t know their own worth. I feared losing those who had self-worth issues because they would somehow feel less with my success. I fear the idea of what succeeding would create for those who needed me around them.

Here is what I know about success and others: Anyone who can’t handle your joy, progress, abundance, or growth has an issue with their own ego. They aren’t really part of a healthy support system. To me, seeing others succeed is a drug of choice. I love to watch them rise and move forward. I get a high from being able to witness triumph and advances. If I can help them with words of encouragement, I feel like I have had a massive dosage of Oxytocin. I feel their joy and their vibrations. It’s a place I love to be, surrounded by those who move forward and align with their purpose.

I’ve had an inkling about this but sometimes it takes someone else to point it out. Every time someone has given me an opportunity for growth I have stopped myself in the past. I would start with the best intentions and then stop while returning to the comfort zone. I had this idea of what writing could be and not what is it right now (or what it will become). I had this perception, old programming from childhood, that writing wasn’t going to pay me anything. It was a hobby. I wasn’t going to be Hawthorne, Frost, Poe, Mary Oliver or Elizabeth Gilbert. I had to come to terms years ago that it was just a means to get my feelings out in the open. Through the process of writing I have found myself. I have met hundreds of people who are now in my tribe. If I hadn’t written a word none of these folks would be in my life. And because of those unions, I have finally figured out that what I want is to write stories of how the world moves, feels, and survives. I want to share humanity’s echoes and voices while inspiring others to succeed and overcome obstacles.

Success has an egotistical tone to it. The word itself feels mighty over accomplished when you say it. But, the reality is that success is overcoming all illusions of failure. We have no problem accepting failures, disappointments and heartaches. That, we accept without an issue! We actually expect it! Ah…but to triumphantly engage above and beyond what you can imagine…now that is difficult for most of us to conceive.

My husband has witnessed me at the lowest points and the highest ones. He has seen me move forward tenaciously taking what I want when I put my mind to it. He knows me enough to sit across the table and say those words without judgment. He knows me well enough to know that I understand those three words, “Fear of success.”

I have written about it in my journal the past few days. I have moved on through the root of when the programming began and why I allowed it to become a core belief system. I have seen success many times in my life. I have been very successful in many areas. I have overcome obstacles. I am certain you all have as well. But when was the last time that you sat down and said, “I am going to live my life’s purpose without this nagging fear that is paralyzing me?”

We create excuses for not pursuing our dreams. I don’t have enough money, or time, or help…. We can truly find time when we want something badly. You want to write a novel? Get up early enough to write a page a day. In a year you will have 365 pages. You want to be a hat maker? Go for it. Start today with just scraps of materials. You want to climb the highest mountain? Start walking around the block first. You want to paint and get paid for your art? Start selling your work at a flea market or in front of your house then work yourself into selling on Etsy. You want to be a greeting card maker? Start your own line of cards on a blog. You want to teach yoga? Start substituting at a studio on the weekends.

You know the only thing that stops you from achieving a goal? YOU! You stop YOU! You scare YOU. You fear YOU. You don’t fear success. You fear YOU being successful. Fear is a horrible emotion and when we buy into its darkness we refuse to turn on our inner light to dispel it.

So today, I am working towards my goal. I am going to succeed in writing stories from all corners of the world. I urge you to email me and share what you have overcome in this life. I will be more than joyous to write these into an article and share on my blogs. We all have stories. It’s time you inspire another! Live your truth no matter how difficult it feels. Nothing exciting ever happens in your comfort zone. You have to leave it in order to find change and growth!

Please email me at dharma.1111@hotmail.com

Thank you and I love you!

What is left behind

footprints in the sand

 

I used to think that it was important to leave something behind in life as a legacy for others to acknowledge my existence.  For most of my life I kept journals, poetry books, albums and all sorts of pasted memory books documenting my journey here. Several years ago I stopped.  I was losing myself in trying to leave a life behind while not being presently available in the now.  I was tired of leaving a token of my existence for others to find as a scavenger hunt providing entertainment for days to come.  I decided I was going to touch more, love harder, and be present with those in my life.  What better legacy than that of time?

We are always trying to leave footprints behind for others to find.  Sometime ago during a visit with one of my sons we were sitting around discussing legacies.  He asked me what I would like to leave behind as a remembrance of my life.  I said, “My laughter.  I want people to think of me and think that I was fun.  I want to believe that I touched someone through my sense of humor.”  His eyes watered with that simple answer. He was expecting me to say something of greatness or about love.  But, I believe that joy is the catalyst to other emotions.  Joy and laughter open up love, empathy, compassion, and kindness.

What carries on after death? The lessons, mistakes, triumphs, and achievements are not so much of importance in the past as they will be in the future.  We take for granted what must be learned rather than learn what we take for granted because of worrying about the future.  It is the present that emphasis must be placed upon in order to correct anything else in our path.  Legacies are moments.  Moments consist of time.

Death is a state of consciousness.  It is one of the many stages through the infinite. I witnessed this first hand not long ago when I had the near death experience.  At that moment of leaving the physical body I was not a bit concerned with my legacy.  I didn’t think about the things I should have done.  I didn’t ponder or cry about the things I didn’t get to do.  My only thought was, “Where will this light take me?  There’s nothing like this. There never was.”

We are here passing through: for learning, accumulating, and exercising the greatness of our existence.  There is no real secret to life.  That’s perhaps the secret.  We all want to know that we’ve mattered. We have.  I have.  You have.  We are here in this melting pot together making our way home.   Every day I am gifted favorable circumstances.  I get opportunities of love (giving and receiving), forgiveness (for mistakes and misunderstandings), learning (beyond my means), dreaming (manifesting all my desires), kindness, and compassion (without them I am not human) so that my spiritual, physical and emotional bodies can evolve into greatness.  This greatness is called life. Make each moment count with joy, surrendering abandonment for the past, miracles for the future, and appreciation for being present at all times.  Laugh at the silliness, forgive the hurt, love those who you never thought you could.  Allow these opportunities to map out the journey.  You got this!  No one else can do it for you.  Sparkle, shine, fly with your authentic wings and create the greatest story of YOU!  That’s your legacy.

“Inside of all of us there is the need and the desire to be heard, to have our innermost thoughts, feelings and desires expressed for others to hear, to see and to understand. We all want to matter to someone, to leave a mark. Writers just take those thoughts, feelings and desires and express them in such a way that the reader not only reads them but feels them as well.” ~ Vicktor Alexander

Spiritual Direction

humility

Note:  I wrote this a year ago today.  I dreamed about this last night. I don’t know why. I suspect that my re-birthday is to blame! The lessons I learned from DEATH are just as intense and valuable as the ones I am learning from LIFE. I am not the same person I was a six months ago. I am not the same person I was when I returned from the ultimate space of LOVE. I continue to learn from this experience as intensely as I learn from living. I cannot tell you what to do. I cannot tell you how to live. You are the only one who knows what you need. I can only show you what I live through my spirituality and my humanness. After my awakening I promised myself that I would love as profoundly as I felt loved in that moment that I died. I swore I would bring that sense of divinity back and it’s been a constant reminder that in one second life can change. Do your self a favor and live like if you are dying. It won’t matter what you did a year ago, tomorrow or in ten years. I will forever be grateful for the guidance and the knowing that all I am and forever will be is the embodiment of true love. In the end that is truly all that matters…to me.  And here is the story:

In a few days it will be a year that I died in the emergency room. One minute I was having chest pains, the next paralysis and finally a moment of leaving and visiting the other realm. It took months of me finding grounding in my body. I felt like I could not fit. I couldn’t grasp returning to the human world. All fear and anxiety had disappeared. All dreams, expectations, and purpose fell to the roadside. Those things that caused constant worrying somehow seemed mundane. Living was mundane, without meaning. My poor fiance couldn’t deal with this new woman. My best friend was fearful that I would return to the world of the dead. It was a constant source of questions, “Are you okay? Do you feel alright? Do you need anything?” I cannot begin to imagine what they witnessed and how they felt through it all.

I would stand in the dead of winter watching the wind go through the trees. I could spend hours listening to the earth stretching, hearing colors, tasting the land like something from a metaphysical movie. Life was surreal. I couldn’t relate to this place when what I witnessed in those moments of meeting Spirit was the most magical experience I could ever imagine. And, for the skeptic in me, if it was my imagination then I would rather that other place over anything here on earth.

Spirituality is a personal facet of my life. It is a path that I try to move through while fully being present in my human form. I am not a religious person, but have studied several religions and philosophies throughout the years. I pick and choose from belief systems those things that feel right. Spiritual direction is for me to travel and often in a lonely manner because let’s face it, spirituality is personal. It is intimate. But, everything I had believed until January 15, 2014, was incorrect. I didn’t see Jesus Christ. I didn’t see Buddha. I didn’t see any of the great masters. I didn’t see a tunnel with loved ones waiting to walk me down the spiritual hall. I only saw love and light. I was engulfed in the warmth of universal ecstasy.  I was in the arms and presence of Source.

Those first three months of 2014 required a constant taste of humanity. I had more Spirit than Ego. I had more essence and love than ever before in my 46 years. I had more presence. I had an infinite amount of time. Although the days still had 24 hours I was able to stretch them into infinite space. I returned with a high pitch that became a meter for b.s. I could read people’s thoughts. I returned with so much love that I would cry just holding a book, a plant, my lover’s hands, my child’s words over a phone call, the cat purring, the dog placing his head on my lap, and anything that came into my space with any feelings. I had a really hard time connecting to my humanness. I had an impossible struggle feeling the hurt that people constantly carry in their hearts. Life is not meant to be such a struggle…but here we are pursuing the impossible with tenacity and hardness while forgetting to breathe the privilege of being alive. We have little gratitude for who we are and what we are meant to be…Divine Spirits having a human experience.

On March a close friend allowed me and my best friend to go stay in her brother’s home on the outer banks of North Carolina for a weekend. I walked the cold beach. Its vacancy allowed me to be again with the earth away from the freezing weather in the mountains. I wrote. I rested. I shared stories with my friend. We cooked. We danced. We walked by ourselves along shorelines. I was once again held by the grace of Spirit, not only for sustaining me through this return in human form, but for allowing me to want to stay here. I got another chance! I have had several of these in my lifetime. But, I had never returned from the Omnipotence presence of love.

Love transcends all. It sees no color, no race, no discrimination, no age, no faults, not a thing. Love sees you and me and this marvelous experience we get to call Life. And, when we embrace it with complete and utter compassion we are returned to a place of mysticism, mystery and the wisdom of time.

As months overlapped, new responsibilities took hold of me. I became more human again. It no longer takes me hours to fit my essence inside of my body. I wake naturally tugged in it. I have had struggles and questions and disappointments, but I’ve had grace and love guiding me along the way. I don’t know why I died. I don’t have those answers. I don’t have direction for another. I am reminded that I have to work on my own journey constantly finding a footing. I overlook things because ego is constantly monopolizing my rational brain. After dying I try to step back and allow the signs of spirit to guide me. Sometimes in seeking, fate hides all resources. We are forced to take new direction.

The other day I told a friend that I felt like there’s no way I could help another. If I can’t get my own crap spiritually aligned how do I give advice to another suffering from lack of direction? Then it came to me: spiritual direction is about allowing our higher self to find the answers. We reach in and find the truth from faith and intuition. I cannot guide you without you allowing your own guidance to align with your wishes. Somewhere inside you have all the answers. I will not tell you what you need…but I can give you examples of what has worked for me. I can hold your human hands while cradling your heart with a whisper, a touch, a sweet smile and let you know that you are not alone. That’s all I can offer you.

You have to let go in order to begin living. Living is a courageous act balancing the physical forms with the spiritual ones. Allow spirit to guide you. It’s always there. We are made from love, to love, and be love. Mucho love to you, darling!  Begin with loving yourself!

Embrace your Fabulousness

forgive

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves: Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?”~ Marianne Williamson

Matt, my husband, rolls his eyes and laughs most of the time when I compliment him.  It bothers me that he doesn’t see his fabulousness.  I find this man not only physically attractive but highly intelligent and stimulating.  He brings out the best in me as I am always in awed of him.  When I ask him, “Do you know how amazing you are?”  He asks me to “please stop.”  I tell him to take it and own it.  When the tables reverse and he compliments me I ask him to “please stop with the nonsense and go check his eye sight.”  Imagine that!  I have come to realize that we are the sums of those traumas from the past and all the peeps we handed our worth on platters.  It is time we take it back and stop fearing our greatness, fabulousness, and awesomeness!

I have never had a healthy acceptance of compliments, especially about my body or talents.  We can spend hours analyzing the root of this issue.  If hundreds of hours in therapy did not correct it I doubt that this post will.  But here is the thing I have learned about compliments and self-worth:  we truly fear them.  For the most part we hide behind what society expects from us. An older woman who was my neighbor at 18 (she was 94) said to me, “My sweet young woman, when someone hands you a flower what do you say?  You say ‘thank you.’ So, when a person compliments you look at them in the eyes (even if you don’t believe it) and accept the gift.”  Almost thirty years later I get the reason why.  If you are forced to share the moment and look at that person (stopping everything else in your head) you may see that they are genuine. We have been accustomed to disregard our worth, the natural beauty in our existence, and beat ourselves up because we can’t fit in some kind of social acceptance or perfection.

Body images change with fashion and fads.  Decades determine if size 10 is a healthy average woman’s size or size 2 is the new size 6.  Should your collar bones stick out so you can use them as soap holders? Should you plump up your lips like a bee stung them?  Is it healthy now to let your eyebrows grow out or should we still be plucking them into an arch that puts the shock factor on your face along with botox?  I can’t keep up, can you?  I stay away from those fashion magazines. I have never been good at following directions.

When I look in the mirror lately I don’t see myself.  It isn’t that I sit there examining.  I stare at the reflection brushing my teeth, often times in la-la land but catch a glimpse of a middle age woman who has come into her own.  I feel sexier now than I did in my twenties when I had a breast reduction, liposuction and the insane habit of dieting until I would faint.  I have many more laugh lines, wrinkles, freckles, and age spots. Each one of them maps out some incredible lessons.  I have a flabby but healthier body that climbs mountains, drinks wine, loves lattes, and at times indulges in some delicious dessert that I can’t pronounce.  And, yes, a few times a year I give everything a break and detox the middle age part of me giving up everything for a month or two or four until my friends beg that I go back to carbs, “please” because I am nicer when I eat junk.

I love watching the love of my life move.  I love studying his strong middle age body.  He might not like it but I find that each scar, dimple, and extra space is what allows more of him to love me.  Each time I embrace him I feel like I am with the sexiest man alive and I can’t understand why a magazine hasn’t posted this on their front page.  To me it is headline news.

As Marianne Williamson writes, “who are you not to” see yourself as beautiful?  Don’t let society determine what is beautiful. At what age do we stop worrying about body image, and what needs to be done, tucked, fastened, or covered up?  You are beautiful: curves, flab, scars, more or less.  It is the body given to you to journey on this life.  I don’t want to be perfect.  Hell no!  That’s a lot of pressure.  I want to be loved by those around me because of how I reflect parts of them.  If I can make you smile then I have done my part for the day.  These days when you hand me a compliment I will take it as a flower, put it in a vase, and relish that someone thinks I am special, beautiful or whatever else your spirit sees in me.  The returned words, “thank you” are magical in so many ways connecting us to each other.  Now go flaunt your spectacular-ness into the world.

 

Learning through others

 

kindness

There is a story about a woman who walks many miles with her overweight son to see Mahatma Gandhi.  When she gets there she begs, “Please tell my son to stop eating sugar.”  Gandhi is said to have asked her to return the following week.  The next week she walked the entire day again with her son to meet him.  This time Gandhi looked at the boy and immediately said, “Do as your mother says and stop eating sugar.”  The woman, confused and a bit angry after all the walking asked, “Why didn’t you just say that last week?  We’ve walked for hours to see you.”  Gandhi replied, “First I had to give it up myself.”

This is a perfect example of teaching through experience.  I am always surprised at how people judge (or give advice) on my parenting skills when they have no children.  I am always surprised at others who give marriage advice when they’ve never been married.  Oh, and the ones who know “exactly” how it feels to mourn or grieve a love one when they haven’t gone through the process.  How can anyone teach without experiencing those things themselves?

I will not mingle or entertain those things I don’t know anything about.  I have little knowledge of politics therefore I don’t enter into conversations on the subject.  I know little about organized religions except for the ones I studied in school.  I can’t sit and discuss beliefs with someone from another background without having experienced what they’ve experienced.  I can’t tell a surgeon how he needs to mend a heart.  I haven’t the slightest clue on a million and one things.  I am learning to keep my mouth shut because I don’t appreciate when others criticize my life without walking my path.

Humanity falls short when it comes to holding compassion.  We immediately allow the ego to judge and scrutinize even without experiencing those issues.  I love this story of Gandhi and the woman.  It shows how we can detach from any situation and try to impart ourselves in order to be empathetic.  Just because I don’t live in a third world country doesn’t mean I can’t imagine how those who go without food feel.  But, I have no clue how “exactly” it feels to be without food.  I have no idea, unless I experience it myself, how the soul feels when it is depleted from nutrition.  The closest I came to this was when my daughter arrived from Romania and she was mal-nourished.  She would hide food under the bed.  She would sit with her meal and chew everything once and put it back on the plate so no one would take it from her.  Then she would take her time to go around the plate and finally enjoy the meal.  Will I ever know what she experienced in an orphanage?  No clue.  I can only learn from what I witnessed.

I see homeless people in large cities all the time.  I feel a sense of helplessness for them.  I am drawn to them in ways I can’t even explain.  I have no idea what it is to live in the streets, in the cold, in the heat and in the mercy of others.  Whenever I hear people say, “They need to get up their lazy asses and get jobs!” I cringe.  How can you be so ignorant?  Unless you have lived that life you can’t possibly know the struggles, obstacles, and mental issues.  Go homeless for a week and then, perhaps, you can give advice (an opinion) on the subject.

We as a whole in this world need to learn to tolerate without judgment.  We need to allow the ego to fall to the side in order to help others without discriminating.  Whether it is for the homeless, the illegal immigrant, the single mother, the homosexual, the drug addict, the HIV patient, etc!  If you haven’t experienced their life please be kind enough to send love, prayers and allow your ego to take a backseat.  Never diminish one struggle over another.  Never judge what you haven’t undergone.   The harshness of opinions, criticism, and intolerance seems to cause more than just wars.  It is depleting our world from the faith in humanity.  Unless you walked the talk…please sit down and quiet the mouth.  As I always tell my children when they try to argue a point they know nothing about, “But, but, but, Mom….”  I say, “The only but is the one you need to sit on and be quiet until you have experienced it yourself.”

We are one.  We are connected in this giant web of humanness.  Learn from others but don’t allow your preconceptions determine the person they are, can be, or should become.  You never know where life can take you.  Karma has a way of teaching powerful lessons when we carry a closed mind and heart.  One thing I know for sure is that kindness and compassion are free.  Character is built on integrity and the willingness to move past judgment and into the service of others.

8 things a rape at 18 taught me in my 40’s

letting go of pain

It took years for me to openly discuss the violation of what happened to me at 18 when a man grabbed me, placing a knife to my neck, breaking my panty hose, raising my skirt, and fisting me while licking my face with spit and saliva. It took years to get his smell off me, his words out of my head, and feel that my vagina and all its parts were not dirty. To this day I can still be transported back to that moment when I smell bad breath or tooth decay in someone but it doesn’t affect me the way it did for so long.

I was 36 years old when I finally said it out loud. “I was violently raped. I am not disgusting. I am not unlovable. I am a sexy woman who had an experience that ultimately changed her life.” Like millions of others I have decided not to use it as a weakness. I survived that and many other events in this lifetime. It was in my forties that I began to embrace the lessons rape taught me.

  1. I had female issues all of my life. I had horrific periods, cysts, and breast problems. I had my uterus removed at age 39. And, even though I was done with having children after raising six of them, I still felt a loss. I was less of a woman. I began to think of my vagina and counterparts as a monster. My womanhood was a curse rather than a blessing. I couldn’t make peace with my sexuality. In my forties I began to feel like I had never felt before. I left a destructive relationship of many years that had continued the emotional abuse and manipulation that the rape had started. I began to embrace the woman without all the stigma I had attached to my femininity. Wisdom comes with age.
  2. I am not my body. I began to find spirituality, self-love and acceptance. Somewhere in my forties I didn’t think of the rape. I no longer had nightmares waking up in a cold sweat seeing the cratered-face man with curly hair coming after me with a knife. My worst fear had already happened. I wouldn’t attract that kind of behavior ever again through a constant fear based thought process. I would not be attracted to dominating narcissistic men. Whatever we give power and thought continues to unfold. We attract through fear.
  3. Something happens to people who have been abused: they begin to come across others. In my forties, after buying a retreat center with my best friend, I began to notice many women walking into our office with the same distinctive marking. I could tell by the body language that they had been molested or raped. There’s something left behind in an abused person. It’s a trademark that follows us around. Some people (men or women) allow the act to determine who they become. I have chosen to hold my head up high and not fear intimacy with anyone. The rape took my body, it destroyed my worth, but it also made me realize how compassionate people are with one another when I opened up.
  4. Rape is a physical act that heals but the mind shelters this and creates a victimization attitude. I am not a victim. I am a survivor. I shifted the perception of this violence. I also made sure that it did not lead my future relationships.
  5. I no longer use my body or my sexuality to entice someone. I didn’t really know what an intimate relationship was until my 40’s. It had less to do with sex and more to do with truth and openness. Making love was truly not a sexual moment but a transcending act between two souls.
  6. I forgave myself for what happened. For many years I believed that I got attacked because I was curious. I heard something fall behind the mail room in our office after hours on a Friday evening. I blamed myself for this curious gene until one day I came to realize that curiosity is not to be blamed. It happened. I survived. We are past this point of holding on to the past.
  1. Mind, body and spirit are united to carry us through everything we do in our time lines. The attacker was someone’s son. He once had a childhood. He was a miserable man who needed to take a woman’s power through abusive control. But, we will forever be connected because of that event. Our paths crossed through an inconceivable act and he might never think of that young woman exposed and raw but I have sent him love through many meditations when I feel my self-worth start to shake.
  1. Finally, I no longer walk around looking at everything around me. I am oblivious to my surroundings. I don’t think about it…I just move through life with a desire to love and enjoy others. I didn’t feel this in my 20’s or 30’s. I felt fragile even though I was strong and brave.

We all wear scars, some visibly while others deep seated inside our soul. Only we know of their existence. When we are ready to share with another the scars seem to heal slowly. Those scars are road maps to the past. They can guide us with strength onto the next journey. The scar from the violence at 18 sat in silence for too long. It wasn’t until I allowed the secret to come out that I began to heal. I choose not to play the role of victim but survivor. We all survive with dignity and carry those battle scars with pride, or we can play the martyr and victim creating a story for the rest of our life. There is nothing perfect in this world.

You are not your rape. No human being deserves the fear that lives after this atrocious event. The scars live inside. They heal. But, it’s up to you to truly let it go. Forgive yourself…forgive the person who stole a part of your essence. By forgiving the person you return to your power and authentic truth. You find purpose for living. They no longer have it. Also, there is no greater power than your word. Share with another. There’s no shame for what happened to you. I am a better person, courageous, and opened because of this act. Now in my late 40’s I realize how detrimental this crime was for me to become this woman. You are not your sex. You are your power.

Life is to be attended through the joy and contentment of this beautiful journey. In the end, those are the moments that will carry you through the path of least resistance. Find the balance between the past and the present. Today, you are magnificent because of the challenges, atrocities, and scars.

You are the secret

holding_a_key_by_johnkyo-d39g8qr

You want to know a secret? You have all the answers to your life. You can sit in silence and speak to your higher self asking for guidance. I get folks calling, texting, and emailing me for answers to what is already fully available in them. I am not giving them anything they don’t already know. Sometimes people just want permission from another to go through a change. At other times the crude reality of difficult decisions is too much to handle alone. BUT…but...YOU hold all the answers to your present situation. You get to mold your future.  

We go to counselors, therapists, fortune tellers, religious leaders, gurus, and any one out there with a spec of hope. We give another person the right to tell us what we need to do. We give them our power while diminishing our own guidance. YOU HOLD THE SECRET TO YOUR LIFE. No one else can tell you what needs to happen. We do want confirmation. We do want to know that we are acknowledged and understood. We do want to know that we are not alone on this journey. This is the best part of a support system, but ultimately YOU HOLD THE POWER to your story.

If you continue listening to others’ opinions you might be directed in the wrong path. Listen to your gut. Pay attention to your intuition. If it feels wrong…IT IS! If it feels great follow that. You don’t need me or anyone else telling you what to do.

I am here to listen when I can. I am here to allow you to go through the process of figuring things out…but DO NOT expect answers that you know deep within. I will not tell you what you should do because it isn’t my business to do so. I can give you suggestions, examples of how I’ve lived through similar events, but you can’t hold me responsible for your decision making. I don’t know anything but my own guidance for me.  YOU HOLD THE KEY to everything in your life. Use that key to find the right lock and discover your authentic power. You got this!

I Wasn’t Me

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I found a box of pictures last night of when I was in my twenties and thirties.  I was shocked to see how lovely I was.  I never had the body of a twelve year old.  I was always curvy and full.  I was always dieting, worrying about my looks, and never enjoying just being me.  I look back and  I was definitely pretty.  I didn’t know it at the time. It wasn’t until recently that I actually met this woman that is now fully present in my body. That’s the thing with each passing year…while you are in your skin without acknowledging your worth and truth you just don’t accept your loveliness, beauty, and radiance.  I was all of those things and didn’t even know.  I wasn’t me.  I was pretending to fit into a life of a society that expected perfection. And because of that I always picked partners who would instill the lack of worth in me. It was a wonderful dramatic play. I needed to show I was a good mother, a wonderful business woman, a magnificent housekeeper, and a decent lover.  Everything had to be just so or what would the world think of me?  Nope, I wasn’t really being me.

This morning I glanced over at the middle age woman on the mirror brushing her teeth.  She’s no longer embraced by that lovely youth, or the concerns of opinions.  The purple and blue highlights in my hair along with the fairy tinsel strands were magnified with the bathroom lighting. The dark circles under my eyes and wrinkles diminished as I looked deeper into my soul.  I smiled.  “Ok, this is me.  This is the hippie lady in the mountains.  This is the me that was in there all along. I love you, lady.”

When was the last you actually looked at yourself and acknowledged your beauty: the inner and outer radiance of your soul?  We can live in the past mourning the loss of what we had when we didn’t even know we had it because just like now, we don’t live in the present.  We live in the past and the future.  This moment now….this minute stand back and tell yourself how beautiful you are.  See and feel your worth.  Stop the negative self hatred.  Love who you are right now.  It’s so important.  You will never be this young again.  You will never exist in this exact breath.  Take advantage of it.  Be gentle, be loving, and feel the magnificent spirit that is occupying the body.  You are amazing.  Be you today.  Forget who to be when the world demanded that you be one way or this way or any way.  Be the you that is here now!  Have a blessed day, darlings.  I love you all.

The Mind

Last night while searching for something I found an old notebook from when I was 16 years old. I used to collect inspiring quotes (no internet then) and I would create some of my own. Amongst them was this one that kinda stopped me for a few minutes. What did I know about anything at that age? I also wrote another, “The paradox of man is striving for success and then dying in the pressure.” I cannot imagine what brought that on since I was so young. But, that’s the thing about youth: we Write and Create without inhibitions. We move through self and forward into the world before we begin to believe what others want us to follow. I wanna go back to that over zealous, tenacious and audacious girl who believed she would conquer the world through love. I am beginning to reconnect with her and she’s marvelous. She is a unicorn-rider-fairy-lover-nature girl that has fought the dragons and won! Whatever she began to accept as a false belief is being demolished. Ohhhh! To finally let go of old paradigms. To finally be free to embrace the authentic self.

We are magnificent and divine. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Mucho love.

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