Endings and Beginnings

My divorce is almost final in the next few months. Our marriage was held on by bare necessities for several years. It’s not easy to write about this but perhaps it can aid in someone else’s struggle. I believe when we see mirrors of our lives we feel less alone.

We failed in our marriage. We’ve played the blame-game and now we are on the other side of it. My soon-to-be-ex-husband and I share our two adopted children equally. This was truly the most difficult part of leaving him. I have never been a part-time mother. I have been all-in and the time away from them was excruciating at first. But, when each one of us have them, we dedicate fully to them.

Love isn’t perfect. I know my imperfections were magnified for a long while. I felt unheard, unseen, and constantly scrutinized. I cannot speak for him but living with a woman who completely shut down couldn’t have felt good. I could go days without speaking. I stopped trusting completely.

I will not dare say he didn’t love me enough. He loved me as much as he could. I can’t say what he felt since I don’t have a love meter. What I do know is that I became compliant and comfortable in a great amount of discomfort that lasted a very long time.

When I finally asked for the divorce, he didn’t flinch. He was concerned about our children. He didn’t ask to work it out. I had realized I was married to a stranger. I really didn’t know him. I had no clue who he was (or is, for that matter). I have learned that I wasn’t me either. I had morphed into some version of me that was not okay.

We held on until our sweet baby boy was adopted. And then the break came. I couldn’t find myself in the midst of the rumbles. I left my house, many of my things, and again did what I have always done when I am tired: leave without nothing.

Four years ago, on a trip to Peru, we were walking in downtown Cusco and I began to share intimate details of my previous relationships. He pointed out that I had a pattern of running and not taking what was mine. I would always leave everything and then started over again. He suggested that I needed to break that destructive pattern and fight for what belonged to me. Here is the thing about giving advice: when it pertains to you it isn’t easily accepted. Fighting for what is righteously mine has not been well received. Truth be told, I don’t fight well. I rather get it over with and move the energy into something positive in my life.

I believe in karma. I believe in cause and effect. I believe that what we resist does persist. The details do not matter. We are better apart than together, especially for the children. We both have our stories and how we felt in the marriage. The gaslighting is finally over. Now what is important is our children and the stability of two homes. He is who he is and I am who I am. We play as well as we can for the sake of two little souls.

There are times when the kids say they wish I was back home with them as a complete family. When they leave, I cry myself to sleep. There were months that I would keep track of days that I didn’t cry. I was shocked one day when I saw the imbalance. My sadness was a deep hole I couldn’t crawl out of. The façade of my marriage was too much to accept.  

A friend took me to the doctor after ending up in the emergency room days before with severe chest pains. I began to question my intuition, trust and judgment. As I sat in front of the doctor, my friend had to answer for me. I was depleted, exhausted (barely sleeping) and sick to my stomach. I was put on anti-depressants and other medications. They helped for a while. I eventually learned to deal with the issues in me. It wasn’t about him. He has been the most incredibly powerful teacher in my life. I had a type and now I see the patterns. I am adjusting the frequency of my attraction in partners and reprogramming accordingly. I am finally healing.

I can’t thank him enough for waking me up, even when he may never realize it. I had seen the world with rose-colored glasses. It was time to see reality. Navigating all of the ins and outs of our parental connections is the utmost importance. The rest is irrelevant at this time. It is all in the past and I wish him nothing but the happiness I was unable to provide. I respect him for being a good father to our children. He has taught me so much about strength and forgiveness in myself.

There is life after heartache. I promise you! The last few years have been about growth and getting to know the real woman in me. My divine feminine was completely asleep. I am mothering myself, nurturing the beautiful experiences in my life. I am forever grateful for a tribe that has sustained me, picked me up, dusted me off, and allowed me to evolve.

I have been putting off sharing with others for a long while. For the most part, folks have been decent and have felt something odd about my personal life but never pressured or asked. Humanity is magnificent! I am also grateful for all those who knew things that never shared while I was married. Not that I would have listened or believed them because when I love I get completely focused on giving till I have nothing left for me. I truly believe he deserved my love.

I am loving how much has changed and evolved spiritually and emotionally in me. I am stepping every single day into my authentic truth. I marvel at the experiences ahead. Love is always there waiting. It can literally walk in through your front door. It may look different, feel different, taste different, but it is always available through self-love, forgiveness and acceptance. May you find the courage to stand in your convictions and leave where you aren’t honored.

I love you. Thank you for sticking around to read this long post….
Millie

Interview for Upcoming Book – U Empath You

I have enjoyed being part of this incredible book and compilation. The stories are magnificent. So many of them weave in and out of my own experiences as an empath. I hope you sign up and go back to watch all the authors. This book will be available for purchase on April 28th. If you have had questions about spirituality, being empathic, and coming out to the world for your divine gifts, this book is for YOU!

I love you. Thank you for watching!

Millie

Your Voice

You have a voice.

You ARE the voice.

Have you found yourself diminishing your voice, or holding back from speaking your truth? Can you remember when and where you gave up your voice?

I went down to Newnan, Georgia, this weekend to this amazing metaphysical store/community called House of Light. It’s located about a half hour, or so, south of Atlanta. My cousin lives there and the community of women is magnificent. They have become my tribe throughout the years! We always get together and create magical moments. Each one of these women have divine gifts. Every single time I gather with them something comes up trying to find its way into the light of healing.  

This weekend it was about my voice. I have felt huge discomfort speaking in front of people. It’s not that I don’t have anything to say (‘cause I always have something to say when I am among like-minded souls). It has to do with my lack of worth in coming across as someone interesting. I also fear that my language skills sound like I am an idiot. After all these decades there are still English words that are hard for me to pronounce and it stops me from truly feeling like I can be eloquent in front of others.  

My ego starts to pull and push this question, “Who wants to hear what you have to say, Millie?”

I began to understand something in the last four days: I am my voice. The power of my words heals while allowing others to also feel heard.  

When I was young, I suffered from horrible laryngitis. It would appear when I had to talk in front of the class, or read something out loud. In my family, children were meant to be seen and not heard. And, ironically, I picked partners in my life, who reinforced the same type of message. “What can you possibly say that’s interesting?”

Now fast forward to the last few years, and anytime someone has asked me to be a guest on a show, or a podcast, or speak in a larger group, I get sick to my stomach. I would rather sit back and just be in the background. If you have been reading my blogs, or messages, for some time you recognize that I love stories. I enjoy sharing them. And, if you were to sit in front of me one-on-one you would also hear me share the beautiful messages of people from all walks of life. And, unlike my writing, I can be a bit of a comedian in my delivery. I will always try to make you laugh.

As I was in my many sessions with clients this weekend, someone said, “Not only did I get a reading, but I also got a comedian.” That cracked me up! I forget that my presentation can be silly at times.

I have lost my voice and my ability to speak up for most of my life. I also believe that many of you have also allowed others to diminish your voice. It’s time we tell our stories, and our truths, out loud even if our voices shake. We all have something amazing to share with others. We are the voices of the past, present and future. We have to step into our light.

Our voices together shift and change the world. Speak up! Let’s be heard. I am ready to use this Puerto Rican one, dressed in my middle age costume. I am ready to truly step into the next chapter of my life. This weekend I released the traumas of all those who I allowed to take my voice away. I gave them that power. Truth be told, I have had my share of narcissists dictating my worth for far too long. It’s time to step into my own vibration.

I am ready! Are you?

I love you. May you recognize those who shut you up, or down, as folks who were afraid that what you had to say would overpower them. There is nothing more powerful than being heard and speaking up for what you believe in.

Always and forever,
Millie

Shine On

Many years ago riding through Tuscany I fell in love… with the landscape… with sunflowers. It was early morning and I was mesmerized by the way the fields of flowers all saluted the sun, turning slowly to greet it. They would turn to each other as well. I thought to myself then, “I want to salute the light everyday like that! I want to be that kind of beauty!”

And, it’s a choice. I get to mindfully choose that as often as possible.

It’s a conscious shift in perception. It’s about pausing and taking in a sacred moment.

So today I rise to light and follow it with beauty. I recognize my own strength and Divinity. I search for that in others. I look into you and me… and them for it, always witnessing the soul turning towards that higher illumination of divine wisdom.

I see it and smile when I meet a stranger. I look through infinite eyes for it. The divine in me recognizes the divine in others.

Follow that light from within. Follow your intuition. Remember your power. You are exquisite. Yummilicious. Lovely. And full of sunny rays of hope, faith and love.

Shine on, darlings!

Do Not Allow Anyone to Steal your Peace

Last week I came across someone who deeply hurt me years ago. The friendship ended and it was brutal. I had trusted and loved this person with all my heart. The relationship dissolved. There was so much loss that it took a year just to pull myself out of a dark hole. There was never closure and I was okay with that because I avoid confrontations. It took several years to really trust another woman like a sister. And even now…I am guarded at times.

The moment I saw her my immediate feeling was joy. I sent the love and compassion out with elation. I smiled most of the day. She did not see me. I was just happy to know she was doing so well. I know (and felt) that part of our parting ways was traumatic issues of abandonment from her past. I could not fill her needs and I had my own journey to travel and heal.

We aren’t here to fix anyone. We can extend a hand but we cannot be the bandaid or stitches for them. Because what happens is toxic. You cannot fill them up with what they are lacking.

But, I was truly grateful to have seen her from a distance.

Then I slept on it.

My compassionate heart had allowed ego to talk some senseless bull shit script. I woke the next morning beyond angry. I didn’t recognize myself. I felt nothing of the precious love from the prior day. There was definitely unresolved wounds there. And, boy, was I gonna dig deep to remove that last root! It’s been years. I take full responsibilities for my own downfall in that relationship. In all relationships!

I spent several days sending her extra love and forgiveness. I dedicated my meditation practice to her and released any false expectation that I felt I deserved. I had moved past closure years ago. I was able to just be without the chit chat or what would I have said to her had she seen me. I stopped the fantasy of a conversation that does not need to happen.

It worked. After five days I was back to feeling a sense of peace. The toxic energy moved on. That’s the same toxic energy that consumed us the last few years of our friendship.

I recognized the peace and calmness that transitioned when I was at a distance. And this returned with a deeper love and appreciation for her. I wish her well and sent all my love…from here.

If you find yourself returning to an old wound please accept it’s not healed. When you heal you don’t feel the hurt so deeply. You can detach from it and move on. If the hurt continues then it’s time to cut energetic cords and really send love. Hate never trumps love. Never. Love truly is the highest vibrational tool for healing.

Healing requires the utmost vulnerability of authenticity. It asks that you be honest. It whispers that you honor your soul. Write those letters and burn them. Send your good intentions and release them.

You got to do what is best for YOU. If this means breaking up with your old habits, programming and ideas…then let it be.

Love yourself enough to walk away from all that no longer serves you: a job, a relationship, or anything else. Feel what you feel and make no apology for it. But truly validate yourself. You deserve the love you give to everyone else.

I love you.

Love Notes to Humanity

Yesterday, before my boys left, we stopped at Barnes & Noble. It was crowded with the remains of Holiday folks. I waited by the magazines while the boys looked for their books. I remembered years ago when I moved to Asheville how that store was my saving grace. When the winter hit hard that year I was stuck up on the mountain and my only outlet was to come into town to the bookstore. I had been stripped of all monetary means. A friend and I bought an old motel that took everything I had. She went off to work for the winter and I was left with two teenagers and a deep isolation that pushed my soul into a spiritual awakening.

The mountain taught me invaluable lessons. The motel endorsed those experiences. At the time I didn’t recognize how priceless those obstacles would become. I learned to trust my intuition. I was snowed in more than I could ever imagined. I spent time without electricity and water. And I knew not one soul.

My outlet was coming into town once a week if I could make it down the roads. I packed a bunch of Post It notes and typed up letters. I would sit in a hidden corner of the store and write inspirational notes to put in books and magazines. In the mental health books I would leave “You are magnificent. You are here to make the world brighter.” In the glamour magazines, especially those for teenagers, I would leave something along the lines of “You are more beautiful than any photo shopped girl here. You are here to make a world a better place.” And on and on I would go around and just post the little love notes around the store. It filled me up with joy.

The letters I called, “Love Note from the Universe” I would fold and place in the windshield of cars in the parking lot. Those were longer. And deeper. I would watch from the second floor of the store as people would grab them. Some would open them up and read them, always checking around to see if they saw anyone. Many times they were thrown on the grown or crumbled up in their car.

I had the time to do these things. I have lost my way with busyness the last few years working full time, raising small children, taking care of lives (especially mine). They aren’t excuses. It’s just the way it’s been. It’s a different journey now, but yesterday I ached to start again doing those things that touched the core of me: going to the homeless shelter and having coffee; taking books to the VA Hospital; gathering stories from all walks of life. I ached for a moment so deeply for those simple acts of kindness that my chest felt like it cracked open. I gasped for a bit of air and recognized my soul’s call. I know it well!

This new year I plan on being more present with humanity. I vow to write Love Notes to Humanity and share all the stories from around my world. We are united by the act of connections, feeling acknowledged, listening, and knowing we are not alone on this journey.

The other day I was getting in my car from the supermarket. It was drizzling. An elderly couple was in front of my car. He held the umbrella and was trying to get his partner into the car. It was sweet to witness. I wondered at that moment how many years they had been together. He actually kissed the top of her fragile hand when she got in and closed her door, getting a bit wet then slowly dragging his feet to come around to the driver’s side. And without words, their story became mine. Love Notes for Humanity. Their actions became the driven force to go home and be gentler, more loving, and accepting of whatever was to come with all the buzzing from the holidays. A few times this week I have returned to that elderly couple in my memories. I smile thinking of their lives. And I am blessed to have them now become part of mine.

You are part of mine by just being here. Never, for one moment, do I take that for granted. I love you. May you also begin to collect and create love notes in your life from all of humanity. We need more of that!

Love is the Answer

You can be spiritual and watch television, curse and get angry. You can be healthy and not weigh 100 lbs. You get to choose what you eat, drink and smoke. And you can actually be pretty divine. You can be centered/grounded and still be in chaos. You can love someone and not agree with them. You can be friendly and compassionate and not tolerate bullsh*t.

There are social classes because man has created them. If your religion teaches you hate…that’s not a religion…it’s a brainwashing cult hiding behind the word “religion.” Jesus, Buddha, and every spiritual leader/guru came into their incarnations to teach love, acceptance, forgiveness and compassion.

The day we stop labeling everything, and everyone, we will be vibrating at a higher level of consciousness. We have learned in this society to put things in to-do lists, organized files and boxes. But we are people. Not things. Not everything is as simple as black and white. There are variations of grays and so many hues of other colors.

You know what makes you special? Your ability to love and forgive. You know what makes you authentic? The desire to not put up with toxic things, places or people. It’s when you stand firm in your truth and knowing. Your convictions are character traits that are learned from others. But, what is ingrained in your DNA is love. I don’t care who you are. If you have deviated from love it is because of your experiences, upbringing, traumas and the folks you have around you.

Love is the answer. It is my religion…my truth…my spiritual belief. I might not always be in love with a situation but I do try to come to a resolution with it.

Do whatever makes YOU happy. You came into this world with a divine compass unique to you. Don’t try to “fit” in order to be liked. Life is too short. Giddy on up and love till you burst into stardust again! You are a miracle. Don’t forget this. ~m.a.p.

Recharging

 

Tranquility

Something happened as of late…I hit an emotional and spiritual wall which affected my physical health. I felt it and I disregarded it. I have gotten better at detecting these moments, but I still ignored it. I woke a few days ago in a panic…exhausted to the bone and with an unwillingness to move. I couldn’t meditate (and this is huge for me). I recognized it then.

The knowing.
The guidance.
The red flag.
I listened and took it seriously. I am too old to ignore this. In the past it would cause me to end up in the hospital.
I kept hearing for weeks that I was “off” somehow. I felt it as well. So, I have moved into the mysteries and investigation of finding out what is “off” with me. Mary Poppins has vacated the premises. The PollyAnna sweetheart is MIA. It’s not that I’m short or nasty. It’s not that I’m unhappy. But, my frequency has shifted and I am tired. I cannot entertain one single thing.
I need a break from the world.
This week I’ve cancelled all appointments other than going to work. I cannot do anything else afterwards. I have been at this go-go-go schedule for months now. I have to take inventory of my spiritual guidance and emotional necessities.
There is such a thing as doing too much. There are repercussions for those actions. I refuse to bulldoze over my soul’s needs for one more week, one more day, or one more hour. It’s yelling for attention!
I listen. I am listening.
It’s in this magical space of detachment that I find the answers. It’s in the afternoons before my husband and child arrive that I can clear my energy and find bliss in sitting outside, listening to the birds…or going into my meditation room and sitting in quietude.
I need my time to create my own magic.
We all need space for recharging. We need sacredness. We need reflecting and allowing for answers to visit. We also need to crumble down the things inside that are asking for egotistical answers. The past calls, but you do not have to answer!
May you have a peaceful week! May you enjoy your time alone, or with others, but remember to honor your spirit. Go play. Go be in joy. You need it. We all do.
I love you…~m.a.p.

Windows

Hello loveys! Please be aware that Social Media is a window into people’s lives. It’s not the entire house or building. It’s a small window decorated for you to see whatever that person wants to show you. You cannot create an entire life based on those windows. Some views are negative and destructive. Others purely enlightening and refreshing. But, they are pieces of a whole.

Your life is yours. You get to choose how you show up and express it. These windows are opportunities to give others hope, love and support.

I’ve deleted many who didn’t lift me. I’ve blocked those windows that brought my energy to a whispering notion of UGHHHH! I come on to these little windows for daily inspirations. There is enough shit out there. The last thing I want is to fill my little brain with more of that. I’m all about the beauty of decorated windows.

Let’s utilize these moments for teaching, motivating, inspiring, humor (oh, yes more laughter pls) and connecting through higher consciousness.

What a wonderful tool we have for raising vibrations…giving love…helping those who are having a rough time. This forum is magical that way.

I love you. But, also remember that when you look in my windows you are only seeing a small part of my whole. It’s not the full story of me. I am the most imperfect person I know. Don’t judge based on my unicorn and fairies. Have a blessed day. ~m.a.p.