Awakening to the Essence of Love


I have been walking a spiritual path for some time now.  It is not always easy to walk on faith without being able to see the end result.  Some time ago when I left my “old life” of the city to move to the mountains of North Carolina, I felt a shift in consciousness. I awoke through unconditional love and forgiving myself for the choices I made in the past.  I began to hold myself accountable for those lessons and experiences rather than blaming others.  Once I forgave myself it was easy to forgive those characters who played in my stories.

I consciously made a clear intention that I was going to embrace the love for life.  Awakening, to me, is just the allowance of being present in the evolution of life.  There is nothing more or less to it.  It is about being present through the journey. We are to wake up and expect nothing.  That is the beauty in it and the simplicity of allowance.  We hear about waking up or enlightenment and think we will walk on water or fly on air.  The reality of waking is to exceed the dream state, the matrix of expectation.  One sees the world as it is, not how our perception creates it.  Things just are.  The dream dematerializes, vanishing into sleep.  The illusion of control, law and science melts because life just is.  This moment is the only thing available.  There is no need for fear because all there is has been presented to you.  Because there is no past and no future, life exists as the path on a mystical journey.

Awakening is relinquishing ego and fully understanding what the great masters understood.  No thought can go beyond here.  No thought can go back.  One lives the texture, minute, tastes, smells and words in the experience of the moment.  That’s the enchantment of awakening to a life of Spirit.  It is never easy to walk on faith.  There is a “knowing” in the process of releasing all.  This knowing is the direct alignment of presence.  It is the direct voice of God and Spirit guiding you without anxiety, apprehension, ignorance, doubt and fear.  Those emotions vanish.  In waking they can’t exist because there is no need to control the future, or regrets in changing the past.  One arrives to this moment via the Karmic train of letting the universe guide you through your highest consciousness.

We interpret faith as a release and an allowance of quantum energy not seen, not known, but allowed.  Awakening is not work.  It is the opposite of resistance.  It is not manipulation.  No one can translate it and try to teach “awakening.”  That’s ego teaching.  Spirit can guide you but can’t physically show you.  When one is ready one travels and awakes at the perfect moment. This might be as a child, an adult or on the last breath in this life.  “Letting go, and letting God” is the perfect example of this theory.   I believe that through daily spiritual practice, whether it is through meditation, prayer, yoga, hiking, writing (to name a few), the process of authentic truth arrives.  It is then that the awareness of the NOW becomes the awakening catalyst.

Complications and situations in our lives are the components of our humanity.  Humanness is weaved between reality and the esoteric world.  We are all interconnected.  The one way to release our perception is to completely let go from the heart.  Love is all there is.  Allowing the love to flow through life will present a vacated spot inside where there was once emptiness.  That’s another part of the awakening process: allowing love to unite each person.  No hurt can exist when there is only love.  There is no emptiness to fill if there is no desire to exceed wants and needs.  Expectation is the ego’s way of assuming control.

Awakening doesn’t require you to withdraw from the world.  It requires you to withdraw from your ego.  Once awakened you don’t need to avoid humanity.  One becomes even more compassionate without the ratifications of others to penetrate.  One cannot stop ignoring divinity inside which is your essence moving outward.  This is the gift of awakening.  It is a choice.  It is freewill.  It will come if one renounces the old paradigms and beliefs.  Stopping the presence of love is the state one lives in when not awakened.  Love is not to be held, controlled or withheld.  It is the ongoing energy of the universe.  It is all there is.  There is no need to go to a monastery, or escape the real world to reach this state of openness.  Ultimately the only reason we have been placed on this beautiful planet is to live, love and learn from one another.  And, this is perhaps the truth in fully awakening through love.

Once Awaken….


Last night, sometime after midnight, I had a strange dream. I was standing on our dock overlooking the pond on a sunny mountain day. A man, looking very much like Morpheus from The Matrix, appeared next to me. He and I stood side by side and he said, “This is all an illusion. Remember!”

I looked at him and said, “I like this illusion then. It suits me well.”

He motioned his hand in front of me over the gorgeous scenery and within seconds, like removing a fog, the scene disappeared and there was darkness and stars. We were in the galaxy.  We were the stars.

I said to him, “I want it back the way it was.”

He answered, “But this is the truth. You belong to the stars. Once you are awake you can’t undo what you already know.”

I woke with a sense of clarity and disorientation. I didn’t know what day it was, where I had been, what time of the night or who I was at that very moment. It took several moments of stressing consciousness to react to this reality and the darkness of my room. I tried to remember the rest of the journey in that dream state but I couldn’t.

Guidance appears in many forms. I seem to be getting these visitations more frequently. Life is an illusion and it requires a shift in perception and consciousness to truly see all that the veil hides from us. Open your eyes…all of them… and truly witness the everything of what we are together. We are made up of infinite stars and galaxies. We are in the matrix of control and what we have been made to believe through a default program. Question everything that doesn’t feel right. Remember!!!  Try to recall who you were before the world told you how you should be and made you into this person.  Find your truth, your authentic power and live free.  This is all an illusion of choice.  Remember!!!

I love you. I love you. I love you. You are definitely not alone in this wilderness of the unknown. Touch your heart.  God is there.  Feel your heartbeat.  The Divine is pumping through your veins.  Be courageous!

Finding Faith

finding faith

Lately I’ve been feeling like I am on the Bipolar Expressway and most of the exits loop around Crazy Town. So I mindfully begin my mornings with an hour of prayer and/or meditation. I cannot miss a day or I begin to feel ungrounded. I lovingly light my candles for those who need light. Every day is different. (If you’ve been to my house you have witnessed the bucket with a hundred plus tea candles). I light my sage and incense. I wait for the break of day reciting gratitude mantras. This ritual is imperative to continue driving along the expressway of life. Some days are awesome (no traffic from looney tunes) and others are bumper to bumper chaos that require my complete (Im)mature level of patience (I have patience for most people. It’s patience in myself that is a constant struggle). Life is a magnificent teacher. It will provide all the lessons needed for the evolution of the soul. Stay on your lane. Breathe. Get off on rest areas that bring momentary peace. Find center somewhere in the pit of your spirit.  This is part of spiritual life.

Spirituality has a personal definition to all.  There is no right or wrong answer to how it is perceived. It is a personal belief. There is something larger than our selves but it is definitely unique to our individuality. Is it the sense and acceptance of allowing spirit to lead?  Is it the releasing to something greater than ourselves?  Is it the soul parts of the self?  Does it change depending on the circumstances?  The questions are endless!

A while back as I sat with a friend drinking tea staring at the gorgeous scenery of our pond, a comment was made, “This living on radical faith and trust is not for sissies.”  I believe that one statement holds the true meaning of spiritual growth and allowance.  Spirituality is about the unconditional trust in that which we cannot see.  The moment we let love replace the fear of the unknown I think we find the Divine holding space.

When I am having a difficult time in waiting for things to happen I stop.  I get off the Bipolar Expressway.  I take the scenic route. I go deep within me to find Spirit.  It is there that I find that eternal happening of intuition.  There are those moments that my impatience becomes too much for me because I ask for something and expect the result immediately.  But the lesson in spiritual growth is allowance.  There is no time limit to our prayers.  We place those restrictions in our asking.   There is no quick-fix solution.  We interpret the answers however we want.

I believe spirituality is about letting those magic-mystical moments enter and exist without obstruction while allowing the universe to be the only thing in control.  This sense of allowance is part of having the courage to accept things as they are, not as we want them to be.  Living a life of faith requires the release of all control.  It requires that we leap into the unknown without fear.  Just like my friend, Tom said… “It isn’t for sissies!”   But, it is one way of living a deep authentic life of truth and grace.  This is the difference between just surviving and truly consciously existing in the world. Find solace in a breath. Search for God’s presence in you. There, inside that space of love, you will find faith.  And, don’t be so quick to press on the horn when someone is changing lanes or cutting you off.  You have no idea what that person is going through.

“Faith is walking face-first and full-speed into the dark. If we truly knew all the answers in advance as to the meaning of life and the nature of God and the destiny of our souls, our belief would not be a leap of faith and it would not be a courageous act of humanity; it would just be… a prudent insurance policy.”- Elizabeth Gilbert

Ode to Spring


Through the mist,

cradled outside the tunnel of light,

I leave behind the winter

and now reside in the shadows of spring.

Shades of change awaiting rebirth

as the path from dark turns to light

in beautiful calmness and clearing

of all waking dreams.

Pleasant afternoons with evening magic

resurface under a canopy of blue and mystical skies.

It’s like sleep walking through seasons

of golden serenity

while watching the metamorphosis of nature —

spring bursting out in orchards, blooming, blossoming.

Southern mystery bathes in spring rain,

and the oak trees salute in glory,

the dogwood in angelic modes,

the tulips in rainbow vibrancy,

all in moments of perfect beauty captured in fields of solitude.

I want to meet you there

kindly enticing me to awake from slumber.

Pillars of bark and leaves align them selves

calling the sun, teasing it through and through.

Imagine the depth of each bloom,

the secret of each blade,

the breath of each life

the sound of every birth.

This takes me, pulls me, enfolds me

with reflections of green on a canvas of nature

allowing me to forget the length and mystery of its arrival.

I am born again.

Crap Happens Every Single Day

screws us

Things happen every day: the car broke down; I got to work late; I woke up feeling sick; I looked at my bank account and it’s overdrawn and I don’t know what happened; I think my husband is having an affair; etc….  There are millions of scenarios for every second of every day.  I am learning from every experience that the greatest part of happiness, suffering, joy, and all other emotions is dependent on the perception and disposition of how we relate to issues. It isn’t based on our circumstances or events or what seems to be happening when it all goes to hell in a hand basket. It is all based on how we relate to the situations. We get to choose to be stagnant or move forward.

Crap happens and it stinks big time. It happens to each one of us.  Heck, it happens to animals.  Ever watched a show on Discovery on how some animals in the jungle get to eat one day and not again for several weeks?  They can’t catch a break.  But, they don’t sit dwelling on what the hell is happening?  They keep moving forward in order to survive.  That’s all there is to it. If we allow the discomfort to set in and stay in that space then we are living on a reaction rather than shifting our perception. A bad day doesn’t mean a bad life. It’s just a bad moment. In two minutes a phone call from a friend can alter that disappointment. You don’t have to reside in the negativity.  You have choices and the conscious decision to move past the negativity is also a learned behavior.  It’s not easy at first because we’ve been programmed to live in a woe-is-me state.

There are days that have themes. Today’s theme seems to be “moving on.”  We all have twists to our stories believing that we cannot do something because of timing. This afternoon I was changing a dirty diaper when a thought appeared: What dirty diaper are you in need of changing that keeps stinking up your life? Think about that and be honest with what is stagnant and stopping you from really moving forward whether it’s materialistic, emotionally, physically, or spiritually. The moment you stop waiting on someone else to come change you, you will be free. What’s stinking your life that needs major changes? It’s all a matter of how present and honest we are with our stories.  It takes the courage to get past the idea that we have control of our lives.

There is a point in your journey that you must truly take accountability for who you are. What will it take to remove the stink out of your life or will you continue to sit with it and pretend it’s not there? I don’t know about you, but unlike the elephant in the room, a dirty diaper can’t be ignored for too long…!

Your Tribe

holding the world

One of my dearest and oldest friends called me last night. We’ve known each other a thousand years. We spoke about events that have unfolded in her life and family. My heart was opened in such a way that when we hung up I cried. My first and only thought to my fiance was that I wanted to fly and be with her. We are almost 3000 miles apart. I have responsibilities and so does she. But, the miles disappeared while we were on the phone. We know each other well enough to understand that all we need is a listening ear and an opened heart. This is our human desire. That’s all we require in moments of discomfort and pain. I cannot be there next to her to hold her hand, but I can be here to listen when her tears flow and her heart is fractured.   I can be here to make her laugh even through the moments of feeling lost.

In my old life I could not handle emotions. I would lock up when I saw someone crying in front of me. I would always suggest that people release and cry…as long as it was not in my presence. But this was due to my own issues of control and holding tightly to a life that was a complete and utter facade. I was not living authentically. I was living a life of made up stories and pretending to be happy. I was constantly busy taken care of things, people, and I was the very last thing on my list of things to care for. I was running the universe of a martyr and didn’t even know it. Now when someone cries in my presence I feel honored and humbled for their spirit showing me them…and for allowing me to witness their humanness. I listen. I am able to be in that space without needing to run for cover because I, too, might break down. I cry at a drop of a hat now. It’s not just in movies or reading a novel. I cry at the sight of pain, love, injustice, and the many levels of spirituality I see around others.

We are made to run in packs like wolves. We have tribes and warriors in our lives. We gather in moments of weakness and pain. We rejoice in moments of joy and love. When one person is vulnerable another steps in. If you don’t have this then you need to find your tribe because you aren’t meant to be alone carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders. We are all connected in this place by a thread of humanity through love. I’ve experienced that the more real and open I have become the more folks appear in my tribe group. It’s magnificent to feel the sense of unity even from thousands of miles away.

I have often said that we are the sum of our experiences. We are legends because of each triumph, failure, obstacle, success and connections with one another. Even monks who live in silence have a tribe. We are not meant to be alone in our grief. I have witnessed the love and support from total strangers and reading or listening to their stories allows me to experience life through a different lens. Humanity wants to be heard. We require the sharing of stories, the acknowledgment for our lives, and love without judgment through listening. This is who we are. There’s an urgency to be heard in a world that has turned to technology for connections. There’s an ache to be understood in a time that things are misinterpreted through text, emails, and posts. I am horrible with phone calls. I rather have a person in my presence. I still love handwritten letters and cards and personal emails. I love connecting with others through words. And, I do understand that it’s “old school” but this is a small legacy I can leave behind.

Find your tribe and be grateful for them. When we share among others we see that we are not alone in our stories. Everyone is experiencing something similar. Stopping ourselves from reaching out (because of fear, shame, and embarrassment) is an injustice to our spirits. Loneliness, sadness, despair, and so much more are compositions to our journeys but we can still reach out with our love and feel the comfort of another holding us up. You are not alone. You got this! I love you mucho.

To find our tribe means finding people we can learn from, people who are better at some things than we are, people who have something to teach. We say we want it, but how many of us fear being a beginner more than loneliness and much more than being in the wrong crowd? There is a strange comfort, a sense of safety, to suffering and loneliness. To be happy, to find our family, we must be willing to let that go.” ~Vironika Tugaleva

 You are truly home only when you find your tribe” ~ Srividya Srinivasan

your tribe

The Gift of Love


“For those who believe, no proof is necessary. For those who don’t believe, no proof is possible.”~ Stuart Chase

My father came to visit me two nights ago.  He’s  dead for over 15 years.  The only other times my dad has visited have been significant in guiding me or preparing me for some extraordinary change in my life.  The uneasiness and restlessness that’s been mounting in me was confirmed with his visitation.  I don’t normally write about my spiritual gifts.  It is still a subject that brings up judgment, intolerance and disbelief in many. I do believe that in order to express how I see things it is important to share my stories. Many people feel alone in these “crazy evil visions.” They feel scrutinized, judged, labeled and loathed. It was just a few years ago that I began to share with others because I, too, felt the criticisms which then brought on a magnitude of self-loathing.  I don’t find the need to apologize any longer for what was bestowed on me through beautiful gifts since I came into this world.  I cringe at the labels society places on humanity for things they fear and refuse to understand.  My life is sweeter now that I can share.  I have less anxiety and fears. I don’t feel alone in this journey.  And, if you are reading this and have similar experiences please KNOW that you are not alone!  The world is shifting.  Consciousness is finally awakening to mysticism and love is the key that’s unlocking all the prejudices.  Once again with my dad’s visitation I felt the sweet endearment as I heard his clear whisper in my left ear, “Es tiempo, Nena” (it’s time child). I was tucked into bed and slept like I haven’t in long time. 

The last time I heard those words I was on the other side of the realm, between here and now, in a hospital bed on January 15, 2014.  I didn’t see a tunnel or lights or loved ones.  I didn’t see Jesus, Buddha, or any great masters.  I didn’t see anything but a bright light of Oneness that embraced my soul.  I didn’t have a body.  I didn’t fear or cried or asked questions.  I stood in whiteness of universal presence.  I was in the midst of love through a magnifying lens that erased every conceived notion of what I thought death was.  I don’t know how to describe what I saw because words here in our human existence do no justice to the purity and love that I felt.  I wanted to stay.  I didn’t think about my loved ones.  I didn’t analyze life or death.  I was just there until I heard my father come into this space and whisper those words.  Then I saw him briefly.  My consciousness argued with him about returning to my human space.  I didn’t want to leave this magnificent place of love and light.  Had anyone else showed up I think I would have pushed them out of the way, bullying my way into the rest of my dying journey.  But, my Papito came and told me it was time to return.  I had things to do.  I had a reason to continue living. In a quick moment I returned to my body.  Just like that I was no longer in that love.  Just like that I was thrown back into a place of humanness.  But…that calls for another story and another day.

Lately, my meditations have been on love.  I begin expanding my heart, breathing in and out light, while traveling through places of love: past, present and future.  I send love and healing thoughts to those close to me. I continue expanding outward to those who are no longer in my immediate circle.  I further expand into the world to strangers in every nation. I finally end the travels when I am in space looking down at our blue and green magical planet. This meditation can last hours at times.  I lose track of time in the middle of the night.  In the midst of my heart expanding I begin to feel that light that I was in when I died.  I feel the essence of something that connects each one of us.  I begin to feel peace, forgiveness, compassion, sorrow, joy, empathy, and every emotion tied together.  Sometimes I release with a deep cry and other times I smile with my heart.  Hard to tell what happens when I am in the depth of Oneness traveling through universal consciousness.  I can’t explain it!

My dear father’s visit brought up something mystical again in me.  He was an absent person in my life. Do to his humanistic qualities of narcissism and egotism he did what he needed to do in order to survive his journey.  We all do! He was a gentle soul but a gypsy at heart.  He was here and there and everywhere the wind blew.  I have a lot of gifts from my father.  The most important one is forgiveness.  I don’t think he ever carried resentment or anger towards another.  He was just in his own world living life to the fullest.  His heart was opened so widely that he had several massive heart attacks and countless surgeries.  So when I go into meditation with my heart opening and expanding I make sure to say a little prayer about not needing a heart attack to open it even wider.  I’m conscious of the powerful mind, body and spirit experience.

It is rewarding to get a visitation from a loved one.  I am not the Long Island Medium, or John Edwards, or any of the folks out there that we witness on television.  I am just a Hispanic woman living on top of the mountains in North Carolina minding her own business.  Sometimes I am bombarded by loved ones before I even meet the person that the message is for.  It happens a lot in our busy season.  I am not a medium.  I am not psychic. I don’t read the Tarot, a crystal ball, or anything other than the light of love and the messages it provides. I am here to give a message if need be and move on.  I am a facilitator between the veils of what we all see and what we choose not to.  The spirit world is right next to ours.  The rarity is that I get messages for me from my loved ones.  It just works out that way.  To have a visit from my dad was beautiful.  I was able to snap a picture of my room in that moment when the orbs were all around me on the bed.  I was touched again by love through his words, the smell of his cologne, and the warmth of fatherhood.  It is in those moments that I feel the energy of our connections.  We are all one.  We are all here and there.  There is no death or finality.  There is only infinite love.  Embrace it!  I love you.  I love you.  I love you all!

Death of Self


I am free in a way I’ve never known before. Everything that led me here has been magnificent. I am the most stubborn person I’ve ever met. I don’t do things in a easy way. I do them in my way. I don’t learn through effortless energy or through the mistakes of others. I learn through struggle, falling down and picking myself up. Until recently this was my genetic makeup. Until just a while ago. See, I finally got tired of making things so difficult. It took a severe case of amnesia, ending up in the hospital and even a near-death experience to stop the insanity.

My ego will never be erased completely but it has diminished greatly. It will never ever be gone. There are temporary moments of bliss without the ego chit chatting away that I wish would last forever. But, there are greater moments now than before this small death in which there is little fear, if any at all. I still have a million imperfections and quite a few that I’m sure annoy those around me. I am human. I am compassionate, silly, kind, oblivious, loving, sympathetic, courageous, spontaneous but I am still human with many flaws. But, they are MY flaws and I don’t feel the necessity to apologize like I used to on a daily basis for being me. I don’t go around trying to instill my ideas onto others, unless they ask what I think. And as always I try to tell them what I think by lovingly saying, “I believe….I think….this is only my opinion.” I don’t have the answers. Nowadays I am guided more by intuition than the analytical mind. This is a first in all of my life.

A small death has taken place inside of me. I don’t know when it has happened in the past 12 months but it did. I believe it was a gradual demising. I don’t think it was suddenly because I would have noticed. The death of ego and all that it entails has also allowed me to surrender to feel comfortable in my own skin and in my choices of life. I am letting go of so much these days. It isn’t just the material world, it’s also the need to make sure everything and everyone around me is okay. I don’t have the passion to fix anyone just so I don’t see their hurt. No one is broken. No one needs fixing. I can see the profound expansion of lessons through their eyes, their touch, and their silence and I am able to sit with them. I am able to get angry and allow the emotions to come out in a healthy way. I am able to laugh uncontrollably and feel orgasmic joy for an entire day. I keep meeting folks who are also transitioning into the death of self. It’s magical. I don’t quite know what’s going on with this mass conscious shift but I am enjoying the journey. I am not alone. This makes it even more precious!

I love the conscious birth of acceptance. I love how being present is by far the most amazing form of BEing. I love how I can now sit and watch nature for a long time without the need to do anything else. I love how I have given myself permission to rest. I love how I don’t have to expect things to just fall quickly. I am learning that patience is not so much a virtue but a reality of living this moment. I am embracing faith and the Oneness of the universe. I am allowing my thoughts to move through and not obsessing over every single thing the mind insists on entertaining. The ego is a mastermind in manipulation. I am deeply aware now when it starts the drama.

This death of ego-self is unrecognizable to anyone else. I am certain others don’t see the change, like when I lose or gain weight. Or when I color or cut my hair. Or even when I wear make-up. The death of my egotism is not noticed because it’s subtle. There is a lack of judgment. People know they can share something with me because I am not here to judge them. But they don’t see that as the death of my old self. This type of death is best describe as a true awakening from the illusion of reality.

Death is not like going to sleep, it’s more like waking up from a dream and realizing the person you were in the dream wasn’t you, the problems you had in the dream weren’t your problems and waking up from the dream to this world is like going back to sleep again and waking up in a dream world, forgetting who we are again and getting lost in the dream character, the character who we think we are and who has problems. Waking up in a dream and realizing we are not the dream character but the dreamer is enlightenment.” ~ Emmanuel Diogu

A few nights ago I couldn’t sleep. I spent hours meditating on love. I began sending love to my closest family members, then friends, then strangers, then the world…moving from continent to continent. I felt my heart expand. Many times I sobbed while my heart ached with a thousand heart beats. As I departed several places where I know there are wars, death and mass destruction I found myself gasping for air: breathing deeper and exhaling every negative emotion attached to those places. I loved profoundly without being able to verbalize it, even now. I was cradled by God in a way that touched the core of all human connection. I received a clear message that Love is Letting Oneness Vibrationally Expand. This is what I was doing…expanding through vibrations. Death came and went many times during those moments. I don’t know where the hours went. Somewhere during my travels I lost space and time. It happens a lot lately. I am able to move through the veils of illusion and not be rushed.

My mini death moments are happening closer together. I do question a lot of things. That’s part of my newness. I was never one to question purpose and the unexplained notions of the world. I marvel at the simplest acts, and cherish the lessons that become our stories. I love these stories more than anything especially when they from others. So, thank you for allowing me to share my life with you. Thank you for allowing my moments here and partaking on my journey. I love you! I love that we might not know one another but we are deeply connected by the cord of humanity. Love and light to you!


View from Craggy Pinnacle Blue Ridge Mtns.

Flawless green humps seen in distance

under the loud silence

surfing the earth

as God sits and watches

the serenity of the land.

Ripple-less melody under the fog

escape in the horizon

washing and clearing

the echo of nature.

This magnitude of knowing

peace and faith

allows for release.

How can one stand above the world

without feeling the omnipotence

wonder of existence?

The vastness,

the vacancy,

the void-ness,

reaches inside of spirit

and awakes everything.

The peaking of morning,

the scoop of evening,

is the flow and essence

of every part of life here.

It is the ALL in the universe…

the everything of anything…

the complete I AM.