Just Allow Love to Be

Last night my heart felt a small crack of old brokenness. I allowed for it. I was deeply hurt by a loved one who continues to love me in her own manner but I expect her to love me differently. After a few hours I let it go. After release of tears I forgave my own heart for desiring things to be differently.

She loves me the way she knows how to love. It’s demoralizing and unacceptable for me to expect her love as I love. It’s also not fair to her for me to expect anything. It’s my shit. Not hers.

So I truly let go of the expectation of what love should look like. From children. From family. From friends. From my mate. I love as I love. That’s it. To expect otherwise is egotistical and irresponsible. That’s a personality and labeling that does me no justice.

Love because that’s your job. And let go because that’s also your job.

Love you!

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Cycles and Stories

We move through cycles of what was and what is. And, somewhere in between lies the illusion that these things make us whole and become our stories. Your story might be raw and full of pain, or it might consist of happiness and delightful moments. You have been embraced by love and lovers (past and present), but in the end it is this very second that glues us together. You have lost a loved one to death or just the ending of a relationship and it hurts like hell but you are still here surfing the ebb of deep waters.

This is Sacred Presence.

This is part of expansion.

This is a raw and vulnerable ability to stay here and share while connecting to another by saying, “I am here for you. You are not alone. I understand. I have experienced something similar. Or, I haven’t and it is beautiful how you are moving with grace, strength and faith.”

Yes, these are the moments that make us whole through the veil of life. These are the days that move through us in the subconscious with changes and growth. We don’t know it but there’s a shift inside. This new year is one full of growth and adventure. You have been tested for so long that you have forgotten what it is to just be in sacred presence.

We can’t look back and know when things changed and we gave up but they are there. Today I am making changes to a new opportunity to find joy in the little things. These non-judgmental days of self awareness are huge mile markers.

Today…Tomorrow…Every single morning is an opportunity for me to expand my heart and consciousness.

Keep searching for your truth. It isn’t always pretty or perfect or without some hurt…but it is your truth. These are the things that have created your humanness to continue expanding in our world. The conscious shift in knowing and acceptance is evolving within you always. And how MARVELOUS you are, darling! Go be all that greatness you are meant to be!!!! Together we make some yummy magic. Mucho love.

On Being a Mother

My sons came home for the holidays. They always do regardless of where they are. I’m grateful for this. They are amazing men. They gave me the reason to mother them and so many others.

I was told from early on that the likelihood of me bearing children was minimal. The older I got the less the chances. So I showed the doctors that I don’t take no for an answer. I had Nelson at 20. Patrick at 22. Several miscarriages and lots of health issues didn’t stop me from bringing these two souls into this world.

We grew up together. I was a single mom for a long while with them. When I left their father he ran the opposite direction and never saw them again. We nurtured each other. We grew up learning the ins and outs of parenting.

These boys taught me unconditional love, patience, letting go, humor, and how to be a conscious soul through a very human experience. Their love for me and each other has been magical.

When I began adopting children they never complained. They opened up their hearts and shared their home with little strangers. My sons, not once, asked me to please stop. They never felt jealous or pushed aside. And even now with two little ones at home all I witness is unconditional love and tenderness. They are my heroes.

They go back home today. This mama heart is tender this morning. I will miss their pure intelligence and intellectual conversations. Their laughter. Their own banter that’s hysterical most of the time. I will miss their inspirational and motivational pep talks to me about how I need to be sharing more stories and creating a forum for the world to learn from One another. They are techie. I’m not and they show me this and that…sending loving thoughts while challenging me to think outside of my comfort zone.

My head starts to feel overwhelmed but they truly are looking out for my best interest.

You know when you recognize your job as a good parent? When your grown children want to come home and just be with you. I’ve done my best and they’ve exceeded any kind of desire I’ve had for them as adults. Happiness comes out in every laughter and tear. Every touch and hug reminds me that I’ve been so deeply blessed with love. True love without ever judging or criticizing my choices. And I have done the same for them.

Be gentle with your children. Allow them to do whatever they need to do in order to learn and evolve. It’s not our jobs to get in their way. Our only job is to be there to love. And love is all there is….

You Are Divine

There are millions of stories out in the world that reflect right back to our own circumstances. Let’s face it, we all have them because that’s what makes life. We are compilations of historical events. Some monumental, others not so much. We are the sum of every single experience, interaction, and reaction. We are here on borrowed time creating novels of information and adventures.

Tell me what life doesn’t have some juicy substance that makes us gasp, smile, cry, love and forgive.

Tell me how we make it out of here without any experience that is worth sharing and learning from others.

Tell me, and show me as well, how you can do it alone because I don’t know if I would want to. I want to hear you, touch you, or have the availability to read parts of your legacy.

Tell me how we can overcome obstacles without truly being aided by a Supreme Being and loved ones.

Tell me, just tell me how we can withhold truth from ourselves and others…and still make it an authentic life. How can we call that a life worth living?

Tell me, because I don’t know any other way but to pour out my heart to others and allow others to pour their essence into me so I can drink from their knowledge.

I want to join the warriors of love and light to continue changing the world with spiritual vibes. I want to leave a footprint alongside others bringing joy and laughter.

This, I know, I want for the rest of my life.

Remember that every single thing you’ve experienced (bad or good, lovely or shameful) has brought you to this very moment. You get to decide what you do with your history to change your present and future self. Don’t ever forget your power and strength to create the best possible life.

Mucho love!

m.a.p.

Coming Undone

I was next at the check out counter in the grocery store. A woman with three small items came up behind me and I immediately asked her to go before me. She thanked me and was a bit shocked.

“This would never happen where I’m from!” She said.

“Where are you from?” I asked.

“Florida.”

I told her I was from there too. I laughed. The cashier said she was from there as well. I told her it had nothing to do with where you are from. It had to do with conscious kindness. She had three things. I had many more. I don’t even think about it as location or origins. I don’t think. It’s hard enough waiting in line. It’s not a big deal.

She looked lost in her thoughts. She began to come undone while putting her credit card in the machine. She complained about the weather being too cold, just moving here to Asheville, coming to live with her mother, having to start all over again. In less than three minutes I knew her life. She was younger than me. She was beautiful in a broken way that my heart wanted to grab her and cuddle her through love and compassion. She was completed disheveled by the act of skipping over me. I asked her to stop for one minute and just be. I asked her to just be with the moment. I refrained from going too close to her. She said thank you, paid and left. My words triggered something deep and she just couldn’t be.

I was getting in my car when I saw her still struggling with herself two cars down from me. I told her to have a good evening. To be gentle with herself. Tears formed. She waved and got in her car.

She didn’t want to be seen. She resisted the humanity. She was so deep into her own world of disappointments that she couldn’t get herself comfortable with anyone, let alone my presence. She couldn’t accept. She was way down in too much pain to feel me holding a candle for her release from darkness.

It’s okay. It’s okay to not want to come undone in front of a stranger. But, I hope that you come undone in front of someone. I hope you accept kindness and love and acknowledgment from someone. I hope you have a someone for this. It’s hard to witness and even harder to feel the feels of it all.

And this is what the holidays seem to bring up for so many. They feel forced out of their comfort zone and have to pretend.

So don’t. Don’t do anything you feel goes against your beliefs or your stability. Stay in the now. And make zero excuses for how you feel.

I love you.

Just this Moment

There is an easy flow to this morning. The schools do not open till later due to the ice and cold weather. By this time I’m at work but today I sit across a playpen with a little boy eating his cereal and a little girl snuggled on the sofa watching her favorite cartoon. I never imagine my life at fifty like this.

I actually never imagined my life at fifty…at all. I didn’t think I would be here by then.

We have little deaths in our timelines. We get sick or completely reinvent ourselves. We move or stay or just wake up one day feeling different. It’s all magical and exactly how we intend it to become.

A million contracts are paid in our lives. Those contracts we designed before even incarnating. The lessons were created to expand our consciousness. The journey is up to us.

We hold the wheel. We maneuver ourselves to the next destination, watching carefully for mud slides or cracks on the road. The older we get the more aware we become…at least I hope that for everyone.

So this morning, all plans are out the door. I need to go see clients. They will wait for later. I need to be at a meeting which may be done through conference call. Everything is interchangeable, relatable and temporary. Right now I am exactly where I’m suppose to be.

I’m here watching the light hit the trees out back. I am watching the frost swirl with the wind in the porch. I am snuggled by one cat and another walking around wondering why we are still home.

The simplicity of life is in these moments. Things can change in an instance. And it’s okay. We breathe through it. We become grateful to the present. We are gifted these moments to take in what’s important and release what is not.

Right now it is me and my kiddos holding on to a few hours of free time.

Gentle Visit

I went to see a client Saturday with my little boy. Walking in through the halls of the facility little elderly ladies came out to touch and kiss him. I walked into my client’s room. He was lying on the bed and had just eaten breakfast.

He’s hard of hearing. Won’t wear his hearing aids. I can’t really talk with him but I let him talk all he wants. He just needs to be heard. He fell in love with my 18 month old while believing he was a little girl.

“Oh I would spoil you rotten, sweetheart!” He said while touching his cheeks. He kept saying sweet things to him, reminiscing of another era.

He made room for us on his bed and we sat side by side. He kept talking about his little girl (which I was unaware he ever had). At one point he got emotional and a tear rolled down his cheek.

My little boy stared at him and reached his tiny hand to his face to stop the tear. My heart melted. I felt a connection beyond his years.

My client put his forehead against his and together they sat there for a brief moment transfixed in their divine knowing.

His roommate started to cry as well. And I recognized that all we really want is touch and to be seen. We just want to know someone sees all of us. We want to feel loved and understood.

I grabbed his hand in mine as I held my baby boy with the other. He dropped his head towards mine and my baby laid his head against my chest.

Several generations being held by silence.

No words ever exchanged from me. He can’t hear. And all he said over and over was that his world was full of joy this morning. He never asked who I was. He didn’t have to. His dementia tells him another story. I never try to correct it…I am just there for whatever shows up.

I hope you reach out to those who aren’t able to understand. I pray you allow the magic to show up without judgment. Watching their exchange gave me hope for deeper empathy and compassion.

It’s there. We are there rising above it all. I love you. I see you. I feel you. We are all connected. ~m.a.p.