Sunday Love Story

love holding on

During my time as a hotel/retreat owner I met amazing people. Thousands walked through our doors. I heard stories of all types: challenges, sorrows, joys, marriages, divorces, illnesses, births, careers changes, like altering experiences, love stories and those of loss. Truth be told, I do not miss the responsibility of the business. It was a 365/24/7 job. I felt stuck and at a loss as time went on. But, what I miss are the connections I made on a daily basis. I was able to witness love and life through each person who entered our place. I could write a book about the souls who chose to share their stories, only because I was available to sit and witness them.

Several years ago Mickey and Dell visited. They would always stay in room 5. I used to refer to him as Santa Claus…his long white beard and smiles always brought about a childhood nostalgia. Mickey and Dell started dating in the10th grade and were married at 19 years old. They had two daughters, one who died a few years ago. I remember their love and union as if it was a fantasy fairy tale. Dell loved our place. She loved the pond. She was an extraordinary creature of poise and grace. Her beautiful white hair and fair skin was something out of a story book. She was intelligent, funny, and one of the most compassionate souls I’ve ever encountered.

One day I received a call from their daughter, Shannon, that Dell had passed on. I didn’t realized she had cancer the last time they stayed with us. My heart sunk and I asked myself, “How will Mickey survive this? How does a love that strong and beautiful survive loss? What happens to the one left behind when they have been together 40 something years?” But, all I could say to Shannon was that I was so sorry for her loss. I asked about her dad. Out of respect I held my questions. I could only imagine the inexplicable pain of losing your soul mate. I cried for a long while that afternoon. I didn’t get to say goodbye to one of my favorite guests.

Mickey continued to come every so often in Dell’s honor. She loved the place and he would stay one night here and there. He would come with his daughter and her family. But it wasn’t until one of the last weekends at our place that I got to know the real Mickey along with some of my friends. I had not realized the sense of loss he experienced until one-on-one he opened up about the love of his life. His sharing with us allowed the healing to begin. And, what I saw was deeper than his words. He’s a very reserved being. What I witnessed was the truth of grace and faith at the hands of separation.

See, that’s the thing about love: it doesn’t have to be gone to continue enduring its depth. He still feels married to his beautiful Dell. She was wise. She was angelic and now she’s his true guardian angel until the moment he joins her in that other realm.

Mickey has had losses. Shannon has had losses. Losing a daughter and then a wife within a short expand of years is inconceivable to me. It’s not something I ever want to experience. But, when you visit with my own Santa Claus you realize that we continue showing up and choosing our happiness. We are filled with other things during the day and at night we are touched by our loved ones in dreams.

Mickey still puts his darling wife and daughter to bed with his prayers. He still shares the day’s moments and tribulations. He still continues to walk among us, even when you see that there is someone always around him shining a bright light. I am also certain that there are dark moments of the soul that make him question the purpose for his walk here on earth. He is after all very human.

Love never dies. It evolves and continues to impact us in so many levels. Healing from any loss has no expiration date,or time of limitation. It’s all about honoring one moment at a time. When I think of his stories and the love that I witnessed when they would visit our center, I hold my heart tightly. I know love. I have been its student since very young. I know the way it moves, radiates, and transcends. I have witnessed love and lovers beyond time and space. Thank you, Mickey, for showing me once more what to aspire to be in this life. You are now, and forever will be, my Santa Claus bringing me joy through your texts every single day. I love YOU!

You are not Alone

 

alone

There is nothing wrong with admitting
that at times

this is much to bear
and you must fall on your knees

to let it out,

in a sigh or a cry

because being alone is part of our existence.

All the materialism,

collection of people,

obsessions and addictions

cannot replace

or mend

that space you have

opened to Spirit –

the awed-nature awareness

that says, “Hello, look at me,”

when you feel deserted or forsaken.

Allow it. Surrender.

You are not alone.

This journey is existential in nature

and its path is lighted by sacredness.
Sometimes the ache is profound and it comes
deep from Greatness
while you say,
“Let it go. Make it go away.”

Beg, plead and negotiate.
It does no justice to that space,

to the ache from the beyond.
The heart knows nothing of negotiations;
it is driven by a vast and endless force.

Tell me what drives this alienation to such intensity.
Let me hold you and help you in your need.
You don’t need to be alone–
you are not alone.

I may be able to hold your hand,

make you smile,

and when I leave

the emptiness will visit again

until you don’t feel its desperate claws.

You will sit with it and love it

as you reach the beauty in yourself.

I cannot fix this.  You don’t need anyone

to try and mend the process of your rhythm.

This ache and withdrawal goes unnoticed by others
but it is there peeking,

poking, projecting and protruding
until it surfaces again and again.

Don’t question your faith.

Forgive yourself for anything and everything.

Question You and what You need to learn from it.

Then again,
don’t question a thing.
Let it subside on its own.
Be aware of any pain,

control, the illusion of separation

and dive into the wisdom it creates.
Be thankful for it
because it means
that you are alive.

It means you are never alone.

It means….you are filled with creation!

Believe in your truth

When someone says that you are impossible, unlovable, not worth anyone’s time…anything negative or degrading…please believe them. Believe what they say to be true to THEM. Believe that in those words they are showing you a part of their own ugliness and insecurities. Also believe that they aren’t worth your time. Those who say they are brutally honest can be brutal bullies. DO NOT own what they say…do not inhale it into your spirit. You do NOT acknowledge any of it because it’s not your truth. Don’t take in the lies. You know your authentic self better than anyone else. However, DO remember what they tell you, forgive them and get rid of the negativity. You DO NOT need that toxic energy in your life. You are magnificently beautiful. Never let another person’s bullshit become yours. We are all struggling in our own ways and it takes a hurt person to hurt another. Compassion and kindness are contagious. Show them what that looks like…always. Success isn’t about money…it’s about living your life with integrity, love and truth!

 

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Spiritual Deprivation

magical morning

When asked about the common subjects people talk to me about I always say “Love and Spirit.” People will share their love and stories without filter. It’s a given! They will unload information in a heart beat. The second subject is always along the lines of spiritual deprivation. Folks are in need of magic, mysticism, miracles, and faith. They want to know that there are others out there with the same curiosity and open-conscious level of understanding. They want to know that this is just not all of it…you know, the concept of living just to pay bills. Because, frankly, it’s not!

I am blessed to know (and my list continues to grow) hundreds of spiritual people. They are from all walks of life: Christians, Buddhists, Jews, Muslims, and even non-denominational. I also know many religious folks who come across as spiritual but in truth they are all mind and no heart. To me spirituality is having a compassionate heart tied to a faith in something greater than ourselves that is non-violent and non-judgmental. If you are judging, criticizing and point all sorts of fingers to another while reciting God’s name, well darling, you aren’t spiritual. You are something else. Unfortunately there are a lot of religions based on the mastery of manipulation and the heart has to be taken out of the equation. You cannot love and hate at the same time. Impossible!

A few friends showed up this weekend from Florida and Georgia. Ah…the beauty of entertaining like-minded souls is in the allowance. We were able to openly discuss so many subjects of the conscious mind. And the thing that kept coming up was spiritual deprivation and starvation. We are not connecting one on one with others. I know they are millions feeling this massive shift of awareness, however, due to the overwhelming negativity of the pointing-fingers syndrome, no one discusses their faith with anyone. No one wants to be ridiculed. No one wants to die. The deprivation grows larger and before you know we are all scattered and left to fend for ourselves and spirit.

Spirituality is a lonely path. My steps cannot be walked by you and vice versa. We can, however, compare the paths. We can discuss the different ways we come into prayer, contemplation and meditation. We can share experiences that are beyond this realm. We can go deep into conversations about stars, planets, and cosmic energy. We can trust in each other when someone says, “Yeah, I was back there talking to the fairies and then Stevie, the unicorn, brought me out of the forest.” Just because you haven’t experienced it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. I haven’t experienced homelessness but I sure believe in it. I haven’t experienced war but I now it’s there. So, these are folks that want more. They crave for spiritual knowledge. They eat, sleep, watch and read all sorts of information trying to rationalize or enrich their faith. For centuries religions have done this. It’s part of our DNA, we must grow into the unknown. It’s pretty sad that in today’s world we can still be deprived by the simplest forms of human needs: mind, body and spirit.

I don’t have answers on how to find more spiritual connections. I really haven’t a clue. At least ten times a week I get a message from someone asking for spiritual retreats, meet-ups, or just comments on wanting connections with Spirit. I can only tell you that at times what you are looking into others is right inside of you if you just sit long enough to listen. There are some rough days I get up at 3AM angry as a hungry bear. Anger is not an emotion that suits me. It actually lowers every part of my cellular composition so I try real hard to just avoid the emotion. But, when it grabs a hold of me in the middle of the night, shaking me violently I know I must get to the nearest dark room, sit my butt down and disconnect from it. I am determined to raise my vibration to the highest form of love and dispel that emotion. I need to quiet the ego bitchiness and center myself to what matters. It’s in those moments that Spirit visits me. It’s in those precious minutes that the universe cradles me with unbelievable forms of awareness through love. And, it’s also in those times that forgiveness arrives and I can let go of all that is causing me such turmoil and chaos. I walk away feeling like me. I am still a spiritual being having a human experience. I am choosing to make it less dense with emotional baggage.

You have the answers to all your spiritual questions. You carry with you the spiritual knowledge to change and feed and enhance your life through divine guidance. You are all there is. Sure it’s awesome to share with others. Heck yeah! It’s comforting to know you aren’t bat-ass crazy and the looney farm has a room with your name on it waiting for you to check yourself in. That’s always wonderful to acknowledge. Likes attract likes. If you want more spiritually grounded individuals in your life you have to become one yourself without the fear of being scrutinized. You also have to look around your circle and realize when you have to let go of toxic energy. You have to put yourself in the arms of respect and self-worth. What good will it do you to find spiritual folks and then return to a place that destroys the yummy energy? Go love you. Go believe in yourself. Go be spiritual through the forest, by the shoreline, over the desert, on a mountain top. Just BE! You got this!

Faith in Humanity

create

I am finishing my coffee and getting ready to head to work this morning. As I was making my way into the kitchen something powerful hit me: The words, “I am not giving up my faith in humanity.” I wasn’t even thinking about anything of importance. I began brewing my second cup of java and while standing in the middle of the kitchen the words echo once again and tears began to cloud my vision. I understand why these words link together. I am seeing so much negativity in social media…the snippets of news I hear along the day…the comments made by friends and family. I hear from one ear the necessary things and discard the rest. BUT, I am not influenced by what anger and fear have to say. I believe in the human spirit. I believe in humanity. I truly believe that things escalate when we continue to shed light into the darkness.
Think about how France and the USA are now embracing each other in ways that for years they have not done so. I remember visiting Paris years ago and not being welcomed kindly when I spoke in English…but when I switched to Spanish I was served with friendliness. Think about the amount of people these issues have touched. Think about how we are fighting one cause together. I don’t like the word “fighting” but for those who are military or completely determined to beat the shit out of someone else the word brings masculinity. I get it. Things break. Our hearts get fractured from all the violence and crimes. And then, that fracturing begins to slowly heal. Oh my God, when does it stop, right? Well, I am still NOT giving up my faith in HUMANITY. The moment we lose faith the enemy wins. That simple!
I know I am a bit naïve. Okay, maybe too naïve, but I have to believe in the core of my spirit that things happen to bring humanity back on track. We have to stop the freaking labels. We have to diminish the bigotry and racism. We are not black, white, brown, yellow or pink. We are not our religions: Christian, Jewish, Muslim or whatever. We are breathing beings trying to find our way in this planet. We are roommates trying to set boundaries on what the other person needs to feel comfortable. AND even roommates have turmoil in their living arrangements because we are all different: personalities, beliefs, culture, etc.
I am not giving up on humanity. I am going to go to work to read countless files of folks who are mentally ill, traumatized, and purely in extreme need of help. You want perspective…walk into a place that has lost hope. Walk into a village that has little water. Walk into a place that has thousands of folks living in filth. Walk into the lives of children without parents. Walk into a war zone of folks fighting all in the name of their God. It’s senseless, yes! It’s disgusting, yes! It’s truly demoralizing and it tears into your fears of what another human is capable of doing with hatred. Alienation, hatred and hostility do not disappear alone. These emotions begin to dissolve and suppress when we shine compassion and love to them. I don’t have the freaking answers to why these horrific acts of humanity happen. I don’t truly understand all the hatred. I don’t get the reason we hold on to issues without forgiving. But I have to promise my spirit that until my last breath I will not give up on humanity because I believe in us and the power of community. I believe in a higher power that brings us together. I believe in you. Together we can commit to bringing love and aid to others…not my judging or rejecting what’s happening…or criticizing another’s faith. We bring it home into our spirits by truly empathizing and realizing that what happens over there is also part of our stories. May you have a beautiful day…and may you realize that you have the power to change the world one heart at a time!

Your Wholeness


integrity

Integrity. This has been the word for the week. It is what makes you righteous, whole, and truthful. It’s your word. How many of us say one thing and do the complete opposite? That’s an example of not living through integrity.

I have been witnessing the need to clear things up…through my truth and moral beliefs. I am purging, not just clutter in the home but past issues, old paradigms, and relationships that are not in alignment with my honor.

DO NOT tell me who you are. Show me through your actions. Do not promise me something that you know very well you won’t follow through. Just be you. BE the WHOLENESS of your essence without pretending, compromising your word, or breaking your authentic nature. That’s all.

Just this morning I witnessed a child of 20 months show me her wholeness and value. I heard her in her room so I opened the door catching her sitting on her bed. She extended an arm way out and said, “Nooooo. No, Mama….no!” I stepped back and realized she needed more time to herself. I walked out and closed the door. Ten to fifteen minutes later she called for me and we began our morning. She was in all her truth and knowing that I would understand. I completely honor this in its simplest form. She didn’t need me to get her up just because she was talking in there. She needed her time. She showed me that when she’s ready she will call me by name. Our perception and interpretations get in the way of how we value others and ourselves. She has not learned the distinction, therefore following her instincts and desires is all that is expected from her.

No one is expecting perfection. No one wants what you cannot provide. Even a toddler will show you exactly who they are if you are willing to pay attention. Live within the means of what you believe and can accomplish. NO ONE or anything is worth the loss of your integrity. Sometimes it is like your virginity…once it’s gone there’s no getting it back. There is no trust or re-do button that can fix it. And, it starts from childhood. Standing your ground. Stand in your honor and worth.


Live in the sweetest bubble of virtue. Let YOUR life be an example of who you are through love, laughter and actions….! You know exactly what and who you are. If you don’t then you need to sit and contemplate for a while. If you don’t know how to find your wholeness then how the hell can you expect another to do it for you?