The Need to Find Home

growth

“Wisdom tells me I am nothing.  Love tells me I am everything.  And between the two my life flows.” – Nisargadatta Maharaj

I have been self-absorbed lately, so much to the point of trying to find purpose on a life I’ve created from love, faith and the awareness of lessons. Ever since I was a child I have always known what I wanted from life. I’ve never been without goals. Except now I am looking for “home” through the internal maze of consciousness. I am not depressed.  I have bouts of sadness at times because of loss, changes, and those who have come and gone, leaving me to question my humanity. I am left to question my character and how I have been part of others and their drama. But, I am aware that we all live through this because it sums the total of our lives. Without reflection and deep introspect we are nothing.

I was driving back from town early this morning and out of the blue, tears began to flow. I was overcome with joy, giddiness and something else. I know there is no such thing as “out of the blue” because inside of each one of us we know the answer to every moment, feeling, and choice. Our psyche will form false illusions through ego, but we all have the answers. I pulled to the side of the road shaking off “the whatever issue” that was strangulating me. Even though it felt good it also felt sad. It is that “whatever” attitude that brought me into releasing the tears. I was admiring the scenery coming up the mountain as the sun was casting minimal light through the fog making the bright colored leaves even more magnificent. I began to say the word, “home,” out loud.

I am home. At this moment I look back at a some very difficult years. I’ve had to re-establish my sense of identity and my purpose as things have evolved. Every change and challenge has pushed me to question my sanity, beliefs, and connections. I’ve made plans and now have had to deviate from many of them. However, the new journey has been delicious because it has shown me other parts of myself. But, at times thoughts transpire and I recognize them as small hiccups that push the internal needs to frustration.

The Divine has reshaped the map to the future with some humorous points. At times I see the irony and humor in the childish idea that I have control of my life. The joke is on me! I realize what home is now. I see it through the faces of loved ones, the places I’ve lived and the memories collected throughout my days. Home is deeper than a place of residence. It is something in me that remembers and settles with ease. This could be through anything. Home is the essence of who I am.

Something happened when I had the near-death experience almost three years ago. Something significant came back with me deleting all sense of fear. Normal problems now seem ridiculously dramatic circumstances trying to push my higher evolution to learn quicker. In this state of awkwardness I let things fall too easily at times, while at other times they grab a hold of me and suck the air out leaving a vast emptiness with answers to no questions. I don’t understand the struggle here on earth. I don’t comprehend the suffering. Where I went in those moments of leaving my physical body I was at peace.  I was engulfed by a light of love. Nothing compares to that. And this morning as I witnessing the reds, oranges and yellows on the mountains, I recognized that sense of awesomeness that must be experienced as I let go. I keep surrendering with constant clarity that whatever is ahead is rigged in my favor.

I want to live fully. I want to live to the highest desire of my authentic soul. I want to live with passion even when I have no clue to what is ahead. I want to watch sunrises and sunsets as often as I can. I want to see my children grow old, experiencing the magnificence of life. I want my friends around me through the tough and easy times. I want to drink wine, slack off, chase fairies at night, have fun, and still be responsible to know better. I want to keep waking up every morning to the smell of this body aging, growing, and expanding. I want my mate to hold me, touch me gently, wipe my cares and tell me that we will be together until we are not. I want to be guided my synchronicity and serendipity. I want to live a life that is meaningful to that light I witnessed as snow was falling outside of the hospital. I want to continue to hear autumn leaves wrestling while mimicking the sound of rain. I want to experience the changing of four seasons for sixty-something more years. I want to look in the mirror and see the best of me that no other person will ever see. I want to meet strangers and give them a smile to take with them. I want to continue to want things that money can’t buy. I want to stop the urgency of hurt in others and let them know that they are not alone.

Life is truly a bitch at times, but we get this incredible opportunity to make it whatever we want. This is our home. This is my home. Mass consciousness carries energy and it’s time to alter the negative vibes and make them positive ones.

I have become little in my “knowing” while constantly being bombarded by my guides and the remnants of passing souls on a day-to-day basis. It’s not easy to live among the living and still have a foot firmly planted through the veils of reality. I returned from that other dimension with a keen awareness of the miracle of consciousness. There is no description that can do justice to the world outside of this physical one.

Even all these years later I try to make sense of my need to go home when I see beauty unfolding as I did this morning. I continue to struggle with fitting in my body while feeling comfortable in my skin and those around me. I have this achy feeling of not belonging in this reality where the complaints outweigh the contentment in humanity. I haven’t a clue of what I want, as I used to, for so long in my life. There is no grounding until we wake up as spiritual beings. I feel that clearly nudging at me through meditation. There are people truly battling the claws of death through illnesses and they are holding on to life with passion (sometimes through fear). I am blessed to have a chance to stay here and breathe one more day.

We, in this human form, waste so much precious time expecting others to make us happy, tell us what we need and should do, and give us a reason to wake every morning. We live with constant stress of perfection that doesn’t exist. We want to know without having to walk the path. There’s no way! It’s better to live with the wisdom of experience, the open heart of love and the in-between world of accepting that we are spiritual beings having a human experience. It’s okay. It is in that world that, I guess, I find home time and time again. The sadness comes and goes. Joy and grace visit just as often. I will continue to move through this world holding tightly to what I do know is true for me.

As I type this I am witnessing the essence of earth dancing outside. This is the quietude of presence that assures me that what’s to come is beyond anything I could imagine. It’s in that anticipation that the willingness to continue spoils me and brings me joy. Won’t you meet me there? Grab a hold of your truth and let it evolve into the best you there will ever be. Your thoughts are ripples in the waves of mass consciousness. Together we will make this place home!

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Gentleness of You

gentle

There is a delicious yoga class, and its sweet instructor, that I like to catch whenever I can once a week. Unfortunately, it’s on Wednesday mornings and I cannot always attend. The yoga place is far from home but this instructor is worth every mile down the mountain into the city. Before each class, Laura (the perfect yogi), shares a quote, discusses something spiritual for practice or just gives a word to take into the hour and fifteen minutes. On this particular day she said that even though the class is called Gentle Flow, that there is nothing really easy about the class. Sometimes in that gentleness and slowness things get stretched and opened. Many times the only thing keeping you is returning to your breath and being aware of all the tightness in the body. She’s right. There are times I have gotten a huge workout from just the simple and slow stretches.

I have thought about her teaching for some time. I am always saying to folks, “Be gentle with yourself.” This doesn’t mean be easy or lazy or live in a constant flow of letting go. It means be kind. Be present. Be available to release whatever comes up without having to run from it. Just like this particular class, gentleness has a way of tapping into the most intense parts of our psyche and body. Gentleness is the essence of pull and release.

Being gentle means having consideration and softness. It means allowing things to rise and fall without pressure. Yoga is showing me parts of my body that I never recognized were tensed. I have been using muscles through these gentle movements that force me to feel deeper about how I carry my stress, emotions, and challenges. I can’t imagine taking one of those intense classes with head stands and fast pace movements. This “gentle flow” works well with where I am right now in my life.

I remember reading a quote by novelist Richard Paul Evans that said, “Sometimes its not the strength but gentleness that cracks the hardest shells.” I happen to believe this to be truth. True gentleness goes deeply into the hardest parts and opens us into who we are meant to be. These days I am moving through a different form of flow. I am embracing the middle age way of carrying myself in the mornings. There are days that my body cracks like a bowl of Rice Crispy cereal making all sorts of sounds. I am forced to be slower and kinder. And, when I speak to myself, in meditation or prayers, I am being conscious, courteous, and cordial with my higher self. I am by no means impatient during my practice. It’s about the only time that I feel the gentleness of the universe embracing me…just like in yoga.

Grace and forgiveness seem to be growing through me these days. There is delicious flow of these aspects arriving through lessons, awareness, and the beauty of accepting all parts of my imperfections.

And now you….

Allow gentleness to flow through your spirit. Don’t talk about yourself in a negative tone. Don’t complain to others about what you can and cannot do. Be kind with your words. Be available to accept defeat and continue through perseverance. You are magnificent. Recognize this greatness and stop the busyness of avoidance. This is life. Be gentle with the journey and yourself. Be the love that gently moves through your heart and onto every other person you encounter in your day.

gentleness

Accepting the Hot Mess

hot-mess

I am an emotional-intuitive soul. I rarely make correct decisions based on thinking, logic or what others think for me because they believe it will fix me. I have to feel whatever I am about to do. If it doesn’t feel right, I have learned to avoid it. If it feels good, I follow it even when it makes absolutely no sense to anyone else. I am moved by a “knowing” that I cannot explain. The older I get, the easier it is for me to base my decisions on that knowing.

I am also a runner. I have a pair of invisible worn-out running sneakers with me at all times. I have a hard time dealing with things that don’t feel good, right, or acceptable. I have a hard time sitting and patiently waiting for the feeling to subside…so my natural instinct is to haul ass as fast as possible. I put Speedy Gonzalez to shame!  This is not a characteristic that should be applaud.  This is merely a survival instinct that allows me to deal with discomfort in a quick manner.

Between being emotional and a long distance runner, I can get myself on an emotional roller coaster that feels like I am living in an eternal (internal) hell. Even though others might not recognize it, because I am excellent about hiding my emotions, and diving into someone else’s issues (of course to avoid my hot messes), I tend to deal with my emotions in a destructive manner. God forbid I face my discomfort with the same openness and love I give everyone else.  Nurturing everyone else is so delicious. Me…nahhh…not the best feeling at times!

But, this is what I am learning in the past few months. It’s become very clear that I have the ability to sit in the annoyance, displeasure, frustration and muck, while surviving the duration. I have seen myself grow through the process. If I run, I am not growing. If I stay, I get depress but it eventually dwindles and I come out of the challenge with a stronger spiritual bonding with my higher self.

Let’s face it, life is magnificent and crappy and delicious and challenging and so many other things that make us want to just give up one moment and cheer with passion on another. It’s all a giant emotional roller coaster, especially for someone like me who is moved by emotions.

My two year old a few months ago said to me from the backseat of the car, “Mama, you a hot mess!” It came out of nowhere. I looked at her through the rear view mirror and asked, “Why do you say that, Kali bug? Why am I a hot mess?” Her answer was quite ingenious, “Cause!” And she went on to look at the trees and ask for her doll.

“Cause!”

Cause life is stupendous and annoying and yummy and messy all at once. That’s why! I don’t pretend to be perfect or normal by social status. I am a hot mess of emotions and must accept the ups and downs of who I am. I avoid implementing my feelings onto others. But, when a two year old can see my frequency and feel my vibration, I recognize that I am not hiding it from anyone. I am just pretending. I am in complete avoidance and oblivion.

Whenever I see another who has the same emotional mapping I am attracted to them. They don’t seem like a hot mess to me. They seem like souls who need a nudge, a cheerleader, and someone to hold their hand. I don’t need to say anything, because they will change from one moment to another. I just need to acknowledge them, create a safe space for landing until the next thing that will catapult them into a frenzy. That’s the beauty of the emotional being…we are serendipitous and move through a different realm of acceptance.

And, that’s the answer. Acceptance.

When I finally accept myself, becoming aware of who I am without needing to conform to those around me, I am willing to change and expand. I can sit with the discomfort, dive into the hot spring of messes and just be. It’s okay. I don’t have to run because I can’t explain my knowing. I don’t have to hide because I can’t live in the sadness or the joy when it doesn’t feel right to another. I just have to surf the wave of emotions. I feel for all those who understand this process. I know you get it cause you, too, are constantly in the flux of feelings and knowings without making sense of it with critical thinking.

And…let’s face it, it’s hard to live with someone else who doesn’t understand the feelings that come in and out within a five minute span of time.  It’s torture for the other person because they want to understand the logic behind the “knowing and feelings.”

Embrace your hot mess, your loving status, and everything in between. Use your senses and your inner guidance to follow the yellow brick road. Stop making life so difficult. You have the innate ability to be the best version of you without others dictating it. If it feels good…do it!  When you finally surrender into who you are, life invites you to live in sheer joy of freedom!

Our bodies have five senses: touch, smell, taste, sight, hearing. But not to be overlooked are the senses of our souls: intuition, peace, foresight, trust, empathy. The differences between people lie in their use of these senses; most people don’t know anything about the inner senses while a few people rely on them just as they rely on their physical senses, and in fact probably even more.” ~ C. JoyBell C.

Sunday Love Story

love holding on

During my time as a hotel/retreat owner I met amazing people. Thousands walked through our doors. I heard stories of all types: challenges, sorrows, joys, marriages, divorces, illnesses, births, careers changes, like altering experiences, love stories and those of loss. Truth be told, I do not miss the responsibility of the business. It was a 365/24/7 job. I felt stuck and at a loss as time went on. But, what I miss are the connections I made on a daily basis. I was able to witness love and life through each person who entered our place. I could write a book about the souls who chose to share their stories, only because I was available to sit and witness them.

Several years ago Mickey and Dell visited. They would always stay in room 5. I used to refer to him as Santa Claus…his long white beard and smiles always brought about a childhood nostalgia. Mickey and Dell started dating in the10th grade and were married at 19 years old. They had two daughters, one who died a few years ago. I remember their love and union as if it was a fantasy fairy tale. Dell loved our place. She loved the pond. She was an extraordinary creature of poise and grace. Her beautiful white hair and fair skin was something out of a story book. She was intelligent, funny, and one of the most compassionate souls I’ve ever encountered.

One day I received a call from their daughter, Shannon, that Dell had passed on. I didn’t realized she had cancer the last time they stayed with us. My heart sunk and I asked myself, “How will Mickey survive this? How does a love that strong and beautiful survive loss? What happens to the one left behind when they have been together 40 something years?” But, all I could say to Shannon was that I was so sorry for her loss. I asked about her dad. Out of respect I held my questions. I could only imagine the inexplicable pain of losing your soul mate. I cried for a long while that afternoon. I didn’t get to say goodbye to one of my favorite guests.

Mickey continued to come every so often in Dell’s honor. She loved the place and he would stay one night here and there. He would come with his daughter and her family. But it wasn’t until one of the last weekends at our place that I got to know the real Mickey along with some of my friends. I had not realized the sense of loss he experienced until one-on-one he opened up about the love of his life. His sharing with us allowed the healing to begin. And, what I saw was deeper than his words. He’s a very reserved being. What I witnessed was the truth of grace and faith at the hands of separation.

See, that’s the thing about love: it doesn’t have to be gone to continue enduring its depth. He still feels married to his beautiful Dell. She was wise. She was angelic and now she’s his true guardian angel until the moment he joins her in that other realm.

Mickey has had losses. Shannon has had losses. Losing a daughter and then a wife within a short expand of years is inconceivable to me. It’s not something I ever want to experience. But, when you visit with my own Santa Claus you realize that we continue showing up and choosing our happiness. We are filled with other things during the day and at night we are touched by our loved ones in dreams.

Mickey still puts his darling wife and daughter to bed with his prayers. He still shares the day’s moments and tribulations. He still continues to walk among us, even when you see that there is someone always around him shining a bright light. I am also certain that there are dark moments of the soul that make him question the purpose for his walk here on earth. He is after all very human.

Love never dies. It evolves and continues to impact us in so many levels. Healing from any loss has no expiration date,or time of limitation. It’s all about honoring one moment at a time. When I think of his stories and the love that I witnessed when they would visit our center, I hold my heart tightly. I know love. I have been its student since very young. I know the way it moves, radiates, and transcends. I have witnessed love and lovers beyond time and space. Thank you, Mickey, for showing me once more what to aspire to be in this life. You are now, and forever will be, my Santa Claus bringing me joy through your texts every single day. I love YOU!

You are not Alone

 

alone

There is nothing wrong with admitting
that at times

this is much to bear
and you must fall on your knees

to let it out,

in a sigh or a cry

because being alone is part of our existence.

All the materialism,

collection of people,

obsessions and addictions

cannot replace

or mend

that space you have

opened to Spirit –

the awed-nature awareness

that says, “Hello, look at me,”

when you feel deserted or forsaken.

Allow it. Surrender.

You are not alone.

This journey is existential in nature

and its path is lighted by sacredness.
Sometimes the ache is profound and it comes
deep from Greatness
while you say,
“Let it go. Make it go away.”

Beg, plead and negotiate.
It does no justice to that space,

to the ache from the beyond.
The heart knows nothing of negotiations;
it is driven by a vast and endless force.

Tell me what drives this alienation to such intensity.
Let me hold you and help you in your need.
You don’t need to be alone–
you are not alone.

I may be able to hold your hand,

make you smile,

and when I leave

the emptiness will visit again

until you don’t feel its desperate claws.

You will sit with it and love it

as you reach the beauty in yourself.

I cannot fix this.  You don’t need anyone

to try and mend the process of your rhythm.

This ache and withdrawal goes unnoticed by others
but it is there peeking,

poking, projecting and protruding
until it surfaces again and again.

Don’t question your faith.

Forgive yourself for anything and everything.

Question You and what You need to learn from it.

Then again,
don’t question a thing.
Let it subside on its own.
Be aware of any pain,

control, the illusion of separation

and dive into the wisdom it creates.
Be thankful for it
because it means
that you are alive.

It means you are never alone.

It means….you are filled with creation!