The heart breaks
through the depth
of a giant quake
as fear hides in tiny creases
and illusion grabs for
dear life.
It is hard to let go
of that which does not
serve the spirit.
Ego fights to survive,
kicking and screaming
for acceptance,
acknowledgement,
and assurance.
But,
what if through the break
you allow divine light
to be the rescuer
of such amazing lessons
and replace the spaces
with grace and peace?
There. In there,
through the tender flesh
expanding to find answers,
breathing to find justice,
you can be free.
Then you will witness
the vastness and greatness
of universal brotherly love.
Tag: betrayal
The Sage Who Said Nothing
Amelia continued packing her backpack. She checked her list to make sure she was not missing anything. She had looked online and printed out a map of the Appalachian Trail. From the parking ground to the Sage’s home, deep in the woods, was exactly 111 miles. It could take her 3 days to get there. She had her tent, extra clothes, and toiletries. She also had another sack of fresh grains and vegetables as per others who had visited the Sage. The Peruvian Shaman did not accept money. People who came to see him donated their time, food, or materials.
Morning came with the awareness that her mid-age-overweight body might not make it through the hike. Her body was stricken by arthritis but she moved through it and made sure to pack some Advil. She wanted answers to why she continued to lose so much. Once again, another business and relationship had taken her livelihood. Amelia believed the Sage would have the right answers. She knew he would enlighten her with awareness and bestow on her the gift of spiritual acceptance. She ate breakfast and headed the 55 miles to the parking ground below the mountains on the Blue Ridge Parkway.
She parked her blue Honda and trekked up the trail. With map in hand, she was excited to find the mystical wisdom from someone who was connected to Source. She was too closed to her situation and she couldn’t find the why’s and how’s. After several hours, her lungs felt like they were being poked with knives, Amelia stopped to snack and get water from a stream. She was exhausted. How was she to make this journey in 3 days? It was going to be impossible. By her calculations she hadn’t traveled 8 miles.
After an hour of meditation she had the strength to continue. Amelia moved past the pain and discomfort. That night she rested well, in pure exhaustion. She bathed under a waterfall. She ate lightly and sufficiently. The next morning her aches paralyzed her. She thought maybe it was time to just give up. She could camp there for another day and then head back home. But, her tenacity moved her with passion. She wanted answers. She was determined to see the Sage. She had a list of questions for him. She wanted to understand why she walked away from everything, again. She wanted to find out if she would ever repeat such challenges.
It took her four and a half days to reach the top of the mountain. There was no house or shack. There was a hut that blended with the forest. Had it not been for the smoke coming from it she might have overlooked it. She dumped her belongings in front of the doorway. She spoke softly, “Hello? Is anyone here?”
A little dark man with black hair and small black eyes stepped into her sight. He motioned her to come sit on the cushions in the middle of the hut. There was very little in this space. For a second she judged how anyone could live like this. Through her own resistance she began to talk.
“Oh, thank you. My name is Amelia. I have traveled a long distance to see you.” She began to pull out her list from her jacket. The Sage stopped her gesture. He motioned her to put down the list.
He spoke in broken English. His accent was thick, choppy, and Amelia explained that she also spoke Spanish. He sat on the cushion in front of her and said nothing else.
“Okay, well, I have recently lost my business to my husband…not to death…to betrayal…to alcoholism…(She took a deep breath and tears began to fall)… I handed everything to him. This is the second time in my life I walk away from everything. I have lost more than money. I have lost my trust. I have lost my will. I have lost my faith. I have lost my mind. I have lost…” The Sage put his hand up to stop the excessive chatter.
He grabbed her left hand and looked at her palm lines. Her hands were dirty and she began to talk about how they got that way, when the Sage once again motioned her to stop.
They sat there for a long while. She could hear the wind moving the trees outside. She could hear a stream passing nearby. She could hear her own breath and heart. Her chest was pounding up to her ears. She could feel the heat rising from her anger at being shut down. She felt the sting of rejection, the knife of betrayal, and the lost of herself.
She broke the silence again, “I have questions.” He motioned for silence.
After a few minutes he said, “Life.”
Amelia, confused, asked, “Excuse me, what about life?” He motioned her to stay quiet.
A short while later he looked into her eyes, while still holding her hand, “Let go.”
She asked again, “Let go of what exactly? I’ve let go of everything. I have lost everything. I don’t even know where to begin again….” Once again, he looked into her hazel eyes and held a hand up.
He then said, “Laugh.”
She looked at him puzzled and took her hand back. She was completely confused by these words. This man is known to give answers from the Universe to heal and get past traumas. All she got was Life, let go, and laugh. Was this a joke? Was this a Hallmark card? Seriously! Her anger rose and she felt the heat move her body into an inexplicable release. But she contained it. She was good at keeping things tightly inside.
The Sage got up and stood in front of her. He motioned a sign on her forehead. He stepped to the back of the hut and got a small sealed pouch. He said, “Keep it on you. It will give you answers.” Then he motioned her to exit.
“I’m sorry, I am a bit confused, are you sending me away? Is this all? I want answers or advice or suggestions on how to get past this hurt….” He held his hand up one last time.
“You have the answers. Life. Let go. Laugh.”
Amelia was livid. She stepped out into the wilderness again and said, “Geez, thanks for the almighty wisdom. I might have to let go of it all. She began to cry in frustration and then she giggled with deep exasperation.”
The Sage smiled and said, “There you go. You have already started to heal.”
**************************************************************
Sometimes it’s the journey that heals us. Sometimes in its excruciating path we find the answers. You are your wisest sage. You are the mystical being. You are the One. You don’t have to go looking for answers outside in the world. They come through the experiences of Life. They arrive through Letting Go. And, they heal through Laughter. A wise man once said nothing. That’s all he had to offer.
~ Millie Parmer ~
Life Surrounded by Hope
Long ago in the midst of a horrible separation I wrote my ex a letter in Spanglish expressing how I felt during the many years of our union. In those days I took very little responsibility for what I brought into that relationship. It was easier to blame him for most of it. It was comforting to tell the stories of victimization and believe I had no handle in things. I am embarrassed to say that my ego was huge. It was arrogance and an unwillingness to take participation in the choices I had made. In this letter I expressed that Hope was a thing of the past. I, in full blown sarcasm, told him that Esperanza (which is Hope in Spanish) was an old woman living in Peru on some mountain, and that she didn’t live in our relationship anymore. Hope was not available. The blame from both of us was atrocious. It was disturbing how at one time we might have gotten the magic and then 18 years later it was nowhere to be found. Infidelities and other distrusting behaviors had sent “Esperanza” somewhere back to South America. Whether he got the sarcasm or read between the lines of so much hurt, is beyond me. I wrote the letter in Spanish and in parts that had no translation I stuck with English. At this point I could have used a billboard to express how I was feeling and it would not have mattered. We were past the point of reconciliation and respect. The he-said-she-said game was well-past due. The hurt was astronomical.
These days, years later, I try desperately to find grace and hope living in my heart. When I make a mistake I step back and try to take accountability for it. I am still human and ego is still very present. The only difference now is that I am grateful for the lessons that come my way. Esperanza has returned to my life. She lives deeply in the corners of my home, heart, and relationships. Esperanza had to disappear in order for me to learn those things that needed to be ingrained. The universe whispered a lot in those days. Then it would speak louder. Finally, when it would scream I was physically in danger. It took a lot of physical power to get me to listen. My tenacious and stubborn ways have been the biggest personality downfall. I am gentler with my spirit now.
The truth is that Hope never left my side. Hope was there when I signed over my half of the company to him; when I sold everything to leave my home; when I abandoned our beautiful house that took years to short sell and make zero on it; when I began living a life of authentic truth. Hope knew I would survive. Grace joined in and pushed me to strengthen my dignity and integrity. Hope didn’t disappear. It was actually there quietly waiting to be acknowledged. I began to forgive myself, and in the process forgave him for all that was done…because he did what he could under his capacity. He has his own stories. And, now we can talk and feel nothing but respect for one another.
Happiness and misery live simultaneously inside. They are a matter of choice and perception. Do you see hope in the distance? Do you see darkness around you all the time? To lose hope is to lose everything. And, in those moments it is when hope is truly present. It is an oxymoron. I thought I had lost my dear Esperanza, sending her off to some remote place. Hope was merely sitting and waiting for my presence. Once I was aware of the lessons, experiences, choices and journey everything fell back into alignment. I moved to North Carolina to live on top of a mountain which was always my dream. I have been able to strip self-worth issues, and live with the absence of blame on others. I am responsible only for me. My life has brought me here while Hope held my hand.
Where is Hope taking you? Who is holding all of your dreams and desires waiting on you to align with them? Be aware of your thoughts, illusions and reality. Feel the presence of love, compassion, forgiveness and truth. You are always in the care of the Divine!
“Hope is a waking dream.” – Aristotle
Forgiveness is an Act of Will
A lot has been appearing about forgiveness the past few weeks. A dear friend called me for advice on something. She asked me to meet her at a cafe and we sat outside on a gorgeous spring day. She began her saga and before I could tell her what I thought she said, “I know what you are gonna say. ‘Let it go and forgive…karma has his address.’ But, I cannot and will not let it go.” I asked her why she wanted my help when she was going to do whatever she wanted to do? She apparently just wanted someone’s permission. And, this I did tell her. I don’t condone that saying, “An eye for an eye.” I cannot relate to getting back at anyone for their wrongdoings. I am not programmed that way. I believe the universe has a way of keeping tally and it’s not for me to return the hurt and damage. I am not so much a pacifist as I am a believer that what goes around, comes around.
Here is what I know about forgiveness: it’s never for the other person. When I forgive it’s for me to let go. I forgive in order to let go of my own betrayal in not trusting God. I know I’ve been heavily criticized and judged by many closed to me for letting things go so easily. I have been known to abandon a horrible situation and not look back. I truly just let it all go. When I am at that point of desperation, anxiety and emotional crisis I have to gather my integrity and just head out the door. I’ve lost an endless amount of money, careers, homes and relationships because I refuse to entertain someone else’s insanity. I refuse to degrade my spirit into enabling their own hurt. All I can do is wish them well and keep moving forward. It’s not easy! I don’t leave a situation all airy-fairy dancing in joy. I leave depleted and exhausted with pain. I truly believe with every cell that when a person hurts you it’s because they are heavily hurt. Most people do not take responsibility for their actions or their drama. It’s easier to point to another person. So that hurt will become severe as time passes. Me, retaliating and hurting them is not the answer. I only know that walking away…starting over…just letting things take their course, is the way I am designed to function and forgive. It might not be for anyone else. But, it is for me! It’s the only way I can sleep at night, knowing that I have forgiven and have placed the events in some compartment of compassion. I establish the experience as a powerful lesson…and onto to the next one! Sometimes this happens in a short span of time. Other times it takes longer, but never do I regret walking away!
I am certain I’ve hurt many along the journey of my life. I am one of the most imperfect tenacious souls I’ve ever encountered. I don’t deliberately go out of my way to harm anyone but I do know that when we don’t act in accordance to what another expects, hurt is birthed in a situation. Our expectations of each other create disappointments. Our own past issues keep mirroring and re-enacting so we learn powerful life lessons.
Sometimes it takes a while for me to let things go…but when I do, the ache is no longer there. Those who have hurt me have been released from me. They are free. I can speak with them, see them in the street, and feel absolutely nothing but compassion. I don’t have to avoid them or be malicious with them. I simply move along and allow them to be who they are. They no longer owe me anything because I have released them from that obligation. They are struggling with their own issues. As humans we are just trying to make it through this expedition alive until the day we are not.
I asked my friend what she would get out of hurting this person who has hurt her so deeply. She said, “Peace!” I told her there is no peace in revenge. There isn’t anything but more hurt. Sure, she would get satisfaction from returning pain but eventually that would bite her back in the ass. I begged her never to ask me for that kind of advice. I cannot tolerate the idea of purposely hurting another just because it helps that person clear their ego. Ego has a way of playing us into stupid trickery. It will create elaborate plotting and scheming ideas to feel that it has won. I don’t entertain that kind of behavior. The higher you go on the chain of evolution the less you hold on to regrets, resentments, anger and other lower vibrational frequencies.
You know when you’ve grown? When you no longer hold another in your painful thoughts. You know when you’ve evolved spiritually? When you only wish them the very best in spite of what they caused you. You know when life is providing true freedom? When you see the hurt coming way before it arrives and you simply accept it and move on. You set boundaries and are no longer a doormat, but you allow for those experiences to teach you about your humanness. Oprah has said, “True forgiveness is when you can say, “Thank you for that experience.”
Letting go is not easy. It’s not a cliche that we can swallow when we are angry and full of resentments. It’s sometimes the struggle that creates such a distressful sense of anxiety. But, letting go of the past, traumas, events, atrocities, and anything else actually creates a sense of BEing. You eventually begin to find balance through gratitude for those life assignments. You deserve a serene state of consciousness. Your higher soul will provide the most favorable lessons for the evolution of your spiritual growth. It’s up to you to accept them and move on. Forgiveness, in every sense of the word, is gracious and merciful. Don’t let hurt keep you in a prison of your own hatred.
“The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward.” ~Steve Maraboli
Tenderness of Time
Some years are pretty uneventful with life changes. You go through the daily routines, family issues, keeping the same jobs, everyone is healthy, same friends, and life is pleasantly stable. But, there are some years that come in like a massive tornado storming through everything and twisting your life around. This week has been the anniversary of such a year.
In a year’s time I’ve lost loved ones to misunderstandings and family gossip/issues. I’ve cleared up my friends’ list and stuck with deleting those who didn’t really show me the utmost love and respect. I got engaged, had a granddaughter come live with us, died in the hospital for a snippet of a moment, fell deeper in love with my fiancé, acquired him as a house mate with a bunch of animals, had to sell my car, awakened to many different possibilities, and had my last child graduate from high school. I have seen my dearest of friends endure difficult life transformations; my children make painful choices; dealt with stressors of mental illness and destruction; and even made friends with a neurotic cat I thought hated me. A year has brought me closer to many who I wouldn’t have been closed to before. I have met amazing souls. Most importantly I have made peace with me. I’ve forgiven myself for a lifetime of self-deceit.
I have had several other things happen this year: personal ones that have deepened my faith, spirituality and belief system. I have entered into the wise years of midlife with some acceptance that I know nothing of what I was able to articulate for most of my life. I know zero…zip…nada. I’m okay with that. I am learning to keep my mouth close to those around me of things I feel, but my ears opened to the things I can share. My heart has been broken, healed and enlarged because of such acceptance, conviction and awareness.
I am empowered by a few things: the surrendering of pain, the consenting of change, and the reward of letting go. It isn’t easy! I am still very human and learning is a constant complex forte. I am selfish with my time, even now that it seems to move quicker with a little one in tow, and the solitary moments of having Divinity visit every morning. I am trying to find balance where there seems to be a disproportion. But, it is all a matter of perception. I have always wanted this moment and this life. I feel gratitude embracing me when I step back to realize I have received everything I’ve manifested in my dreams.
A year in a life can make a huge impact. Anniversaries of hurt and betrayal stay for a while. The year is over. The mourning has subsided. I have so much more to enjoy ahead of this journey. All hours work with the days whether we accept them or not. Each day works beautifully within the weeks. Each week flatters the consecutive junction of months. And, each month gathers in triumph as the sum of a year. It is nothing in the scope of reality. Everything is an illusion of how we choose to live our lives. Every lesson this year has been inspired with surrendering, love, compassion and most of all connection of self and spirit. The greatest exercise has been in loving the tenderness of time. Holding my granddaughter and feeling her joy, sadness, love, and spirit has been the icing of the cake this year. What better way to begin a new chapter? May your painful endings connect to wonderful new beginnings…always!
Mastering the Art of Humility
It is easy to love those who fall into our way of thinking, accept us for who we are, and coincide with our perspectives. The challenge in loving unconditionally is accepting those who hurt us deeply. There is a humble skill in not allowing the ego to enter self judgment. Loving those who are easy to love does not provide the lessons in forgiveness, compassion and letting go. It is the vengeful, the enemies full of anger and despair, betraying our trust who push us to search for the humility in love.
Sometimes turning the other cheek seems like a weakness. Sometimes it is the only thing one can do engulfed in the silence of surrendering. When we are in the presence of someone who hurts us it is a divine lesson. It is impossible to see it this way when the pain and betrayal inflames the ego forming judgments. It is heartbreaking, heart-wrenching, and despairing. I am learning to see those folks as treasure givers. They allow me to go within and see parts of myself I don’t really like. These people become teachers in an intricate path of progress and a spiritual understanding of compassion.
Love has a million words, emotions, and theories. It is attached to religions, politics, passion, relationships, and romance. And, yet, in its simplest terms it is who we are, or should be. We allow hurt from others because we love them in a way we expect them to love us in return. Whenever our expectations of our individual realities do not match up this is when we hurt.
Throughout history we learn from the great masters, religious leaders, gurus and humble people how to forgive and love unconditionally. Some of these masters were no different than us. The one thing they knew how to do, in spite of atrocious betrayal and unspeakable acts, is their understanding that faith in something higher than themselves would allow love to cure all.
I am entering a place of humility with the past and those who have taught me to forgive. It isn’t pretty. I am still human and ego plays a huge role when I believe to be right in my actions. As I step away from my mind and enter my heart there is a calmness and assurance that it is okay to let go. It is perfectly fine to step away and allow those folks who believe themselves to be right (because in their stories they are correct). We have freewill. We have the ability to rationalize, analyze and move on.
The art of humility is not easy. Often times the ego conjures it up as a weakness. Through meditation, faith and divine compassion I am learning to shut it up and push it out. May you see those who hurt you as amazing teachers in your journey! Step back and realize that we are all in each others’ stories. Some are good and some not so much…! Ultimately love allows you to return to the divine you. And, this is the place I have to continue to remind myself to follow because the “divine you” is God in each one of us.
Moments with Millie 