Being the Spectator

I took a Kundalini yoga class early this morning. It was the perfect gift for entering a new week.

With each breath cycle, prana, I allowed the life force in me to clear out stagnant energy. Every pose allowed for the vibrancy to rise and fall.

I became the spectator of my stories for that hour… releasing and returning to me with each passing minute.

I am learning the gentleness of me. Of not pushing what doesn’t feel right, even on the yoga mat.

May you find yourself in the driver’s seat witnessing it all without judgment.

I love you. Mucho.

Breathe deeply and be gentle

falling-unicorn

The other night I fell off my gorgeous unicorn. I was going really really fast, missed a curve, and ended up in a ditch. The next morning I landed in the emergency room. It was that intense. My heart felt like the unicorn was still on me. It was hard to breathe and function. The nurses in the ER didn’t understand my story. They almost sent me to the psychiatric ward. The nerve of some people not believing what is someone’s reality.

I would like to stick with that story and the reason I ended in the hospital for almost two days. That would be more acceptable to me than the ugly truth. My heart couldn’t take one more form of crap. I shut down. For two days I was poked, probed, pricked, and pulled. Luckily the ticker inside is in good shape. However, the stress and other minor crap have risen to get noticed. The night prior to that I spent it throwing up with severe aches all through my body. It’s as if my body parts are all raising their hands up and yelling, “Hey, me, me, me! Pick me! I need to be entertained. Let me be the center of attention today.” This getting older thingy ain’t for sissies. And, this loving so openly isn’t either.

As I was being discharged last night my oldest son was in the room with the most amazing nurse. I went to the bathroom to change and as I was coming out I overheard him say really low, “My mother loves so hard and so deeply that her heart is just expanding to take more of it in.” The woman said something along the lines of medical mumbo-jumbo and Nelson returned, “You don’t understand, Ma’am, you’ve had here in this room for two days the greatest teacher with some amazing superpowers….” At that moment, I stepped into their view and they both stayed quiet. I appreciate my sweet loving son thinking that I have love superpowers but my body is obviously retaliating big time.

On our way home I laughed and told him that I am so blessed to be loved by him this way but he’s not a little boy anymore…and I don’t have any kind of superpowers. He gave me a long lecture and between the tightening of my chest and the lack of energy I really zoned out. He’s no different than me…after all I fell off a unicorn.

I am better this morning. I am moving rather slow and being mindful of breath. In the hospital I was given oxygen and I didn’t realize I hold my breath so much, except when I am meditating. And, in that lack of oxygen other parts of me are being affected. I slept like I haven’t in years while in the hospital. It’s good to know that my heart is in excellent shape and that my blood work is wonderful. And, that I will live till the ripe age of 111. But, I also know that for a year and a half I have had a difficult time absorbing things. I have repressed them. My emotional and physical bodies are trying to align with my spiritual one that is moving at a much higher frequency. I feel the vibration of so much and it’s trying to adjust. In this adjustment things are being shaken. I feel the expansion and the pulling and it’s not fun. Sometimes it’s extremely painful. It takes all of me to constantly relax and put down my guard so I can take a deep breath into the unknown.

As we move through this season, I ask that you stay aware of your emotions and your physical body. There are some major intense energies swirling around. The last quarter of this year has been incredibly difficult to administer for many of us. Allow yourself the gift of deep breaths, being present, release, and loving. Cry, create, love, be in nature, play with a child and be a child yourself. But, stay present to all that is you. Don’t conform to the news, or the panic out there. Turn the media off. Seriously! Turn it off. I have disconnected from it. I recognize all that is out there is hurting me and I cannot help anyone else if I don’t take care of me.

My son helped me out of the car when we got home and kissed my forehead like I do to all my kids, “Mom, please relax and feel better. Please chillax. Please stop worrying about everyone else. I know you will find a lesson for this episode as you like to call it…but just chill and forget all your problems this weekend.”

I promised him I won’t be getting on my unicorn for some time until I feel stronger. He laughed…I giggled and we did our pinky swear.

My sweet husband has had a scare and I promised him that I would rely more on him when it comes to my emotions. I promised I wouldn’t carry the entire world on my back alone. I would shed some of the shit on him…he is bigger and stronger. He has been shaken too. He has seen my willingness to be independent, as I drove myself to the ER without telling him. (Cause I thought I would be in and out and back to work)…the unicorn was in the backseat of the car waiting to be checked as well and no one wanted to admit him into the hospital.

Be gentle with you. I will be gentle with me. Let’s allow this gentleness to bleed into the world with love, hope, and kindness. Love you all!

Tornado

tornado

The night’s silence

was deafening

forcing thoughts to

travel into uncharted

corners of my mind.

I journeyed from here to there,

what if’s, when not, what to, where at,

in a lunatic chaotic frenzy.

The wind picked up slightly

inside,

outside,

and I felt the tornado of emotions

whisking through the body.

This is not me in waking hours;

this is not who I am.

I allowed the rhythmically

loving breath to guide me

into calming waters,

and then just like that…

I was asleep again

in the places where fairies run free.

Revival

Somewhere between

curves and the straight path

a rock stood

waiting for my arrival

to find seat and contemplate

on the journey left behind,

and the quest lying ahead.

And in this rest stop

restoration began

as it suddenly occurred to me

that the blaze of roar

coming from the earth

was the graceful evanescence of fear.

With each breath

my substance,

essence,

and my being

reconditioned to a universal consciousness

of truth and divinity.

I was half way home. I was almost there

where God had designed the pilgrimage

while cutting through the mountains

to the here and now

of this place I now

get to call home.

The Unfolding

This living and dying

in synchronicity,

symmetrically

disentangling itself

is the lotus flower

of existence.

Each petal awakens

and sleeps

the singularity of lessons.

There is love,

compassion,

anger,

fear,

faith:

an endless composition

in rhythmic succession.

Each breath and demise

pulls and releases

the foundation of Spirit.

This unfolding

takes and surrenders

simultaneously into our being

to deliberately force us to be…

just be the Divine.

I Am of You

iam

I took a breath

this morning

and there you were

waiting for my spirit

to own existence.

 

I felt my cells grounding

into the dirt,

the air,

the grass,

the leaves…

and finally knowing

that everything

is a part of me.

 

Through me

I reached the universe,

the infinite source of all.

I closed my eyes,

seeing the thread of love

travel from here to there

into all that I am.

The I AM of YOU.

Sabbatical Senses

photo(8)

I woke to salty air licking my skin,

waves echoing in the distance,

birds clearing space over trees,

the sun playing peek-a-boo

through the window panels

lovingly enticing me to rise

and explore.

A deep breath…

a gentle exhale

remaining and reminding

there is no need

for thoughts today.

I’ve vacated from my life

just for a little while….