Reflections of Light

reflections

Carl Jung said, “We meet ourselves time and again in a thousand disguises on the path of life.” I am consciously aware of this statement. Our behaviors, actions, thoughts and a million other accounts intercept, connecting you and me as a reflection of one another. Our paths intertwine, cross and perhaps for a millisecond, touch. Many spiritual practices express the need to empty the mind, the baggage of the past, as not to burden or share our toxic waste with another when we are in the worst possible space in our lives. This is always a challenge. It becomes even more so when you are trying to stay on a high vibration (of joy and optimism) and someone with a lower negative one comes into your space. What does one do in order not to let their issues become yours? How can we remain in a place of compassion and not carry their issues? How can we truly help another unless we see ourselves through their eyes?

A wise friend several years ago shared a small lesson in how to deal with others. She said that we are all mirror images of one another reflecting the duality of darkness and light. The things that irritate me in someone else are usually things I need to look at and investigate in myself. If they didn’t become magnified through those annoying moments then there is nothing that pertains to me. The ego takes a beating when we start to be honest with our darkness. Egotism rises to a level that can create psychological fragments causing illnesses, depression, and disorders. No one ever wants to admit their ugliness, which is not monstrous…it’s part of our humanness teaching us through those emotions, actions, and lessons. The more we start digging in our psyche the angrier Ego gets. But, in order to see the true image in others with love (the good and the bad) one has to empty out the crap inside. It’s a must! It’s also work in progress. Just when you think you dealt with one trait…bang..another one comes up like a nasty pimple to the surface. My friend suggested to truly look at those qualities and imperfections with love. I believe in doing so we transcend to a place of oneness and unconditional acceptance. You don’t have to condone or take on their issues and behavior, but you can understand that they are parts pertaining to each of us.

We are all created in pure perfection of Divinity. There is no one less or more; exceptional or depleted; wiser or thoughtless. The spectrum of reality is all an illusion. We get to choose those parts in another, the disguises, that accommodate us well. I am learning that when someone’s costumes and drama brings out the worst in me I need to truly listen to what is not being said. I try to remain kind as much as possible. I don’t do confrontations. I refuse to be nasty, especially if that person is having a nasty moment. Two elevated-angry souls is a recipe for disaster. I often step back and watch the disguise peel off, the inner child evolving and standing naked, as the reality of what brought that moment hits the surface. I begin to see the reflection of me ego-less. I believe our oneness is what creates the whole of us…together in this small blue planet. I begin to witness life through a different lens. I am not having to remove myself completely or run from the situation. I can stand there in my nakedness as well and be vulnerable.

We really are not what happens to us along the way. We are every decision we choose to believe and accept. We are unfinished compositions of art painted through love, strokes of genius, and divine colors of light. Let the light in you always reflect the light in me. I have to remember that we are always staring at mirrors of the inner child. And, what do children love more than anything? To love, laugh, and play! Love and light, my friends!

I’m Sorry Syndrome

I had a dream in the early hours of morning about a visit to a therapist.  Dr. Carl Jung sat across from me with a giant desk in between us.  I remember asking, “Dr.Carl, this is very impersonal.  Is there a way we can sit next to each other without this desk in the way?”  We moved to the area where I sat on the sofa and he sat on a comfy chair across from me.  I began with apologizing for my brokenness.  It was a long dream.  I was woken by my boyfriend while crying.  The details aren’t important.  What is relevant is my sense of apologizing for my emotions.

I have always had the “I’m Sorry Syndrome.”  And when someone asks me to stop apologizing I apologize for it again.  I know where and how it stems from.  There has to be a barricade to this agonizing need to please others.  As women we tend to do it more frequently than men.  Childhood traumas, abusive relationships and just pure self-esteem issues cause us to immediately sneak in the apology to smooth things over with another person.  But, sitting across from Carl Jung I realized it wasn’t necessary.

We tend to apologize for everything.  I apologize for interrupting, for feeling a certain way, for being early to an appointment, etc.  Heck, I apologize just for laughing or crying while thinking I am making the other person feel uncomfortable.  And, let’s not even discuss the apologies I shell out when the other person has done me wrong and I end up apologizing for them.

The word “sorry” is magical.  It opens hearts and allows for forgiveness.  However, that same word can be a crutch in not allowing self-worth to grow in a positive manner.  We apologize for our parenting skills, professional choices, schooling, loving too deeply or not loving enough.  We apologize for not wearing the right clothes, not having enough money, and having a bad hair day.  We apologize for so many senseless acts based on our emotions.  When do we stop this self-sabotage outrage of losing our self onto another?  Why do we apologize when we find our voice and want to express it?  Each time an apology is dished out we are serving a part of our worth and letting that person hold the key to our emotions.

I remember my ex never apologized…ever.  So, I spent years apologizing every time he did something wrong or hurtful to me.  I would end up apologizing for a fight or disagreement.  The common answer from him was, “If you weren’t the way you are then you wouldn’t push me to act this way.  I accept your apology.”  Typical narcissism personality disorder to the oomph degree!  In these moments an apology is like white-out.  It is covered up but always still underneath it all.  When you’ve wronged or hurt someone an apology is a must!

Some of the questions I asked Dr. Carl (as I kept calling him) were: “What is my purpose here?  What do I do with myself from here on?  What can I bring to this life?”  I believe I had a few more universal questions in regards to my existence.  I can’t remember right now.  What I do remember is the feelings of shame and displacement.  I recall the brokenness of remorse and guilt. In the middle of the conversation I can still feel the sense of self-criticism and judgment while apologizing for the past and the lessons that I’ve learned from such traumas.

As a child I wasn’t heard.  My mother had me at 44 years of age.  She was too busy going through menopause when I was just starting middle school.  Puberty was something you did and never discussed.  I apologized for my mood swings, for wanting to be with friends, and for needing to just be left alone without her around.  I apologize for my ultra sensitivity, my need to be perfect in school, and anything that she could not relate to as a teenager in the 80’s.  I was expected to be seen and not heard.  This was most people of my generation.  Now that I am my mother’s age I see the difference the generation gap created.  The need to apologize is a weakness rather than a healthy characteristic when the resentment is for wanting to honor your feelings.

When do we stop this nonsense of putting everyone else in front of our own needs?  When and how do we break the pattern of justifying what we want with an apology?  When do we start to live authentically…now or the day we are dying?

I believe that a dream with an archetypical world famous psychologist was exactly what I needed to reflect and cease those things I keep struggling to fix.  I cannot continue to be sorry for the person I am or continue to become.  If I happen to ruffle a few feathers along the way I have to accept it is a reflection or projection of that other person.  We must stop apologizing for evolving and wanting to live authentically.  Let’s put the word “sorry” back to its real context once and for all.

“The only correct actions are those that demand no explanation and no apology.”  ~Red Auerbach

You are never truly broken…

I spent the night participating in home movies of myself.  The scenes, characters, and situations all suffocated me with negativity.  My ex played a huge role in patronizing and embarrassing me in front of others.  My family turned things upside down to make a point of my “reckless-risky behaviors and decisions.”  Friends came out of nowhere to humiliate me and tell me “their truths” about how they felt in regards of my actions and choices.  These are the small gatherings of traumas leftover from some other time in my life.  Every so often sleep takes me to the subconscious house of pain.  While I am awake I rarely go to those rooms of anguish and agony.

Carl Jung would have a field day with the symbols and archetypes decomposing the brokenness from the collective unconsciousness.  Years ago mornings like this would leave me in tears, mangled and confused.  I would be paralyzed in making a decision without overly analyzing for days.  I would ask continuously, “What’s my purpose here?  I can’t contribute to this or that.  They are right.”  I would find myself spinning out of self-doubt, self-control while lacking self-worth.  Once in that space of inflicted hostility everything seemed worthless of my attention and magnified by inexplicable amount of fears.

Recently I was watching a show with Mark Nepo.  He was being interviewed by Oprah on Super Soul Sunday.  These words echoed this morning when I woke, “To be broke is not a reason to see all things broken.”   I know the past is a wilderness forest.  Once you pass the corner you can only see forward.  You can see shadows of those bad things in the far distance.  Nothing can hurt you any longer from back there.   I have spiritually evolved enough to know these dreams happen when a huge change is about to take place in my life.  They replicate and feed off the little scared girl in me. Their presence is a reminder of how much light I’ve acquired.

We have the inexplicable habit of seeing the world as broken when we are down feeling broken as well.  We justify the negativity as part of our community – the pity-party group.  In darkness all you see is dark unless you allow the spirit to find a switch to turn on the light.  It only takes an instance to do this.  This is what I’ve realized: we are never broken anymore than we are fixed.  It is a shift in our egos that allows us to choose which side we serve.  In being broken we minister to the dark side of our soul.  In accepting our imperfections as perfections we support the light of spirit.  Which do you choose to serve?  Which side will you be: the victim or the survivor?

As I am sipping on my java looking at yet another gray day I smile in contentment.  I am reminded of the great things in my life…right now this instance:  The dog lies near my feet; the cat is stretched out purring on a chair; the man I love is sound asleep down the hall; the smell of incense fills the room; and candles flicker in an erratic dance.  This is Divinity signing to my essence of the great shift in perception.  There is no more darkness.  I won’t go there in waking moments feeding the negativity from the night.

Stop counting your cracks, the imperfections, the shattered insecurities and begin to see what each scar has brought to you in strength.  There…in there…lies a loving spirit dedicated to live in harmony. You are whole…not a hole of pity.  Don’t let the sunshine frighten you more than the big black shadows.  Stop being afraid to live!  Each breath is a gift.  Don’t take it lightly!  God bless….